... it's having the time of its life. Q: Why do we wrap our Christmas gifts with paper? A: Because we like to see surprise and joy (real or kindly faked) in the recipients. Q: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? A: Nowadays, only four angels can dance there. Formerly there was no limit, but OSHA passed the Angel Safety Law recently, which also requires that the pin must be inspected twice ... year for structural defects. Q: How many gifts can Santa Claus's bag hold? A: One less than infinity. Why one less? Because there's a limit to everything. Q: How could a star that is high in the sky lead the Wise Men to a tiny manger on the ground? A: Wisely, toward the end of their journey they asked directions from someone on the road. Had they not been so wise, they might have missed the manger ...

... What's in your mail? One day God was looking down at the earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check-it-out. So, He called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on earth-95 %is bad and only 5 %is good. God thought for a moment, and said maybe I had better send down a male angel. To get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him to earth for a time. When the male angel returned he went to God and told him yes the earth was in decline-95 %is bad and only 5 %is good. God said this is not good. So, God decided He would send a letter to the 5 %that were good to encourage them-a little something ...

... Candle Lighting The choir director selected the 6-year-old little boy with the sweetest face for the opening scene of the play." Now, all you have to do is, when I direct the choir to sing-... and the angel lit the candle, you come on stage and light all the candles"" I can do it-I can do it !" the little boy said, excited to be the one picked. Rehearsals came and went, and finally the big night arrived. The choir was in grand voice, the stage was beautifully decorated with dozens of unlit candles all around, awaiting the moment when the cute littlest angel made his entrance. The director gave the downbeat, the orchestra began to play, and the choir swept into the introductory lines, ending with an expectant-"... and the angel lit the candle ," and everyone looked stage right for the entrance. No little boy. The director ...

... with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle? Only three words in standard English begin with the letters" dw" They are all common. Name two of them. There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them? Where are the lakes that are referred to in the" Los Angeles Lakers ?" There are seven ways a base ball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls-a walk-is one way. Name the other six. It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it? 12. Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the letter" S" ANSWERS BELOW DON'T LOOK ...

... Pilots-On The Radio Heard on the radio.... SR-71 Pilots-I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed." 90 knots" Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech requested the same." 120 knots ," Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day as almost instantly an F-15 smugly transmitted," Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout" There was a slight pause, then the response," 525 knots on the ground, Dusty" Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I ...

... , as one of the three Wise Men, held out his gift and said," I bring you Franken-thine" Immediately the entire stage was bedlam." That's frankincense ," Miss Swickey said soothingly over the hooting of the other children." The word is frankincense, Homer. Not Frankenstein"" Yeth'm ," Homer said, a sheepish grin on his face. Miss Swickey shook her head. The rehearsal had not been going at all well today. First one of angels got into a fight with a shepherd. Then Joseph upstaged Mary by picking his nose. Shortly thereafter, one of the sheep-donated by local farmer Isaiah Doolittle-had an accident onstage, much to the merriment of the young thespians. Now this. If Homer said his line like that tomorrow night, he would surely bring down the house. For a moment, Miss Swickey questioned her own sanity in accepting the assignment to direct this year's Sunday School Christmas pageant. ...

... marriage and having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils, leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about. Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over the" John" Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are ), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee in our pants every time we sneeze. When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to ...

... learned from me. When the evening ’ s final song was announced, these soon-to-be high schoolers clung together in a swarm, arms around each other, swaying to the sound, sad to realize it was all over. I heard many of them say what a great time they ’ d had. On the way home, my son mentioned that he ’ d enjoyed “ dancing ” much more than he expected. I tried to hide my smile. The great Maya Angelou once said that everything in the universe has rhythm and everything dances. Well, maybe almost everything. Ms. Angelou may not have ever been to a middle school dance.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still ...

... New home Top ten things you don't want to hear from your real estate agent when you go to 'close ' on your new home...." I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home's garden"" Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the ancient Indian burial ground"" Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell's Angels, but I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet of it"" Listen, one bleeding mirror doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted"" Your neighbor has assured me that, technically, they're not really 'killer ' bees"" Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it would reach as far back as your property"" I read that it's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the presence of radioactivity"" Did you know that the famous punk band" ...

... the kingdom of Heaven and the Kingdom of Everyday Low Prices. Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gates. Wal-Mart: Some old geezer named Peter greets you at the automatic doors. Heaven: Eternal. Wal-Mart: Open 24 hours. Heaven: Where old people go when they expire. Wal-Mart: Where old people go when they retire. Heaven: Plenty of Room for everyone who loves God. Wal-Mart: Plenty of Parking for Everyone. Heaven: Golden-haired angels shouting the glory of God. Wal Mart: Purple-haired obese women shouting for a price check on diapers. Heaven: Salvation and redemption no matter what your sin. Wal-Mart: Full money refund on no matter what your complaint. Heaven: EDLP = Every Do-gooder lives peacefully. Wal-Mart: EDLP = Every day low prices. Heaven: Sam Walton-now a resident! Wal-Mart: Sam's choice cola-now on sale! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com ...

... " And God said," No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG" And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said," Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well" And the Lord said," No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he ...

... Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country-if they could find the time-and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who is running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on ...

... The Church Cake Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies ' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake, however, when she took it from the oven she discovered the center had dropped flat. She said," Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake" So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom. a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in the center of the cake and covered it with icing and decorations. The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice gave her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home. Unfortunately, when the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive looking ...

... !" You can't remember the last time you didn't have to share your drink. You mistakenly tell the kids it's" sanity" time when you meant to say" bed" time. The laundry seems to have taken on an evil nature and you begin to feel that it's out to get you. You dread hearing the phone ring because it's a sure sign there's about to be trouble amongst the children. It's finally your turn on the computer and" Touched by an Angel" is just coming on. You go to sleep with" I'm bored" or" I'm hungry" still ringing in your ears. [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... and his wife in the waiting room. Both the chairs and conversations were so comfortable that before long I'd totally forgotten why I was there and asked the man." So. what are you here for ?" Talk about a show stopper. Dead silence just as" Nurse Ratchet" announced my name in her best baritone voice. I thought," Great. now he has a name to match the idiot's face" I rushed past the giggles and hurried after the angel of no mercy. Rounding the corner, I was met with," Hi! I'm Belinda !" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned," Allll I need you to do is step into this room right heeere, strip to the waist, thennnn slip on this gown. Everything clearrrr ?" I'm thinking," Belinda. try drinking decaf. This ain't rocket science" Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of ...

... clothes back into his hamper rather than putting them away. I find sticky cereal bowls in his closet because he was too lazy to return them to the kitchen, and the lunchbox he claimed he lost growing whole colonies of bacteria under his bed. I now understand why some animals eat their young. The child who begged me to read to him daily now rolls his eyes in disgust when I suggest we turn off the video games and pick up a book. The angel who proudly showed me off to his kindergarten classmates now pretends not to know the deranged woman waving to him in the middle school hallway. My fall from grace, seemingly overnight, has left me depressed, bewildered and prone to emotional excess." You could cut the apron strings without slicing through my heart, you know ," I whimper in one of my calmer moments." Mom ," he mumbles in that teenage tone of voice," why can't you just act normal ...

... smart, it's just the way I feel, And I was wonderin, could you tell-what the heck's the deal ?" Peter listened very patiently and when Jake was done, There were smiles of recognition, and he said," So, you're the one !"" That day your truck, it wouldn't start, and you sent your prayer a flying," You gave us all a real bad time, with hundreds of us a trying." A thousand angels rushed to check the status of your file," But you know, Jake, we hadn't heard from you in quite a while" And though all prayers are answered, and God ain't got no quota," He didn't recognize your voice, and started a truck in North Dakota" [Author Unknown-submitted by George Nobler, via Keith Todd] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... smart, it's just the way I feel, And I was wonderin, could you tell-what the heck's the deal ?" Peter listened very patiently and when Jake was done, There were smiles of recognition, and he said," So, you're the one !"" That day your truck, it wouldn't start, and you sent your prayer a flying," You gave us all a real bad time, with hundreds of us a trying." A thousand angels rushed to check the status of your file," But you know, Jake, we hadn't heard from you in quite a while" And though all prayers are answered, and God ain't got no quota," He didn't recognize your voice, and started a truck in North Dakota" [Author Unknown-submitted by George Nobler, via Keith Todd] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Haley Grandmother-a wonderful mother with lots of practice.~Author Unknown A grandparent is old on the outside but young on the inside.~Author Unknown One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new grandbaby around the finger of a grandfather.~Joy Hargrove It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one.~Author Unknown If your baby is 'beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time, ' you're the grandma.~Teresa Bloomingdale Grandparents are similar to a piece of string-handy to have around. and easily wrapped around the fingers of their grandchildren.~Author Unknown Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother.~G. Norman Collie [Author Unknown-from Patricia, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old ?"" I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time" Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God. Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels game running to the Pope's side to learn the cause of his dismay. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, Repeating over and over," There's an 'R, There's an 'R !!!"" Look, the word is celibrate, not celibate !" [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... " Heard on a Southwest Airline flight." Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em" A plane was taking off from KennedyAirport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom," Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax." OH, MY GOD !" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said ," Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front ...

... reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1, 387, 258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15, 000 that Bill Gates / Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363, 214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern I ...

... about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived. Don't Sign Your Demand Note: Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh. on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit. And in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's name and account number. Don't Advertise: A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks. Go Easy On The Disguise: One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print. Take Right Turns Only: Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a ...

... there was a woman who said," I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late" Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. First guy:" My wife's an angel !" Second guy:" You're lucky, mine's still alive" Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex. [Author Unknown-from Sherry, via 'LABLaughs Admin ' (LABLaughs @LABLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...