... The Birth Order Of Children Your Clothes: 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB / GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. Preparing for the Birth: 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing. 3rd baby: You ... for an epidural in your eighth month. The Layette: 1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau. 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains. 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they? Worries: 1st baby: At the first sign of distress -a whimper, a frown -you pick up the baby. 2nd baby ...

... Office Job Descriptions Office Job Descriptions... PROJECT MANAGER is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month. DEVELOPER is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby. ONSITE COORDINATOR is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month. CLIENT is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby. MARKETING MANAGER is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman ... available. RESOURCE OPTIMIZATION TEAM thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources. DOCUMENTATION TEAM thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months. QUALITY AUDITOR is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby. TESTER is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby. HUMAN RESOURCES is one or more people who think that a donkey can deliver a 'human ...

... Baby Talk What your baby would tell you if he or she could talk: I have my blankie, you have your caffeine. Enough said. Don't be jealous, but I think I'm in love with the ceiling fan. I know where the remote control is, but it'll cost you. To you, it's just an empty egg carton; to me it's PlayStation 2. Actually, I don't mind sitting in a bathtub that I've peed in. Bang a screwdriver ... bottom is so darn cute, why is someone always trying to cover it up? Who are you two to tell me how important it is to sleep alone? What you secretly believe is true: I am much smarter than other babies. [Author Unknown-from Patricia, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly.~Gene Perret The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.~Dave Barry I wish I had the energy that my grandchildren have-if only for self-defense.~Gene Perret Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas are short ... explain it to your grandmother.~Proverb An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly.~Gene Perret The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.~Dave Barry I wish I had the energy that my grandchildren have-if only for self-defense.~Gene ...

... and you get a bird dog that's always complaining, a Grouse-and-Bitch. Cross a parrot with an alligator and when the Parrigator asks you for a cracker, you'd be well advised to give it one. Cross a sheep dog and a baby of the carp family will get you a Shag-carpette. Splice the genes of 63, 360 inchworms and you get a Mile-worm. An Impossabull is what you get when you make a three-way cross between an impala, a possum and a bull ... and you get a bird that sings with a lisp. A Snary. Cross a lamb with a camel to produce sweaters with bumps especially for the ladies, a Lamel. Here's one from the flora domain. Cross the aloe and baby's breath to get the ingredients for the French aphrodisiac, the Aloebaby. Cross a donkey with a Doberman and you get the Asspinscher, the dog who thinks he's a goose. Incidentally, the cross between a parrot and a centipede mentioned earlier ...

... Gift Wrapping Tips For Men This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb, went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew," presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh" These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention ... wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt. My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting: GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN: Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of ...

... they get down here? Do you have to take care of them all first. Please answer all my questions. I always think of you. Yours truly Susan FERVENT WISHES, SUGGESTIONS AND COMPLAINTS Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce Dear God How come you didn't invent any new animals lately? We still have just all the old ones. Johny Dear God, It rained for are whole vacation and is my ... did he work as good as we do now? Tom Dear God My grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis Dear God, I know all about where babies come from. I think. From inside mommies and daddies put them there. Where are they before that? Do you have them in heaven? How do they get down here? Do you have to take care of them all first ...

... 65-Year-Old Mother-New Baby With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit." May we see the new baby ?" one asked." Not yet ," said the mother." I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first" Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked," May we see the new baby now ?"" No, not yet ," said the mother. After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again," May we see the baby now ?"" No, not yet ," replied the mother sternly. Growing very impatient, they asked," Well, when CAN we see the baby ?"" WHEN HE CRIES !" she told them." WHEN HE CRIES ??" they demanded." Why do we have to wait until he CRIES ??"" ...

... , and he will try to catch it. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there. Boys ' rooms are usually messy. Girls ' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a tool. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls ...

... the miraculous meatball. Those were good times. Unfortunately, my kids kept growing and lost interest in cheesy melodies about meatballs. Eventually, they turned into teenagers who listen to jarring noise they define as music that no one over 30 can bear to hear. The spaghetti song once again burrowed its way down into my memory banks, becoming a moss-covered relic of the past. Until the other day, that is, when I was taking care of my neighbor ’ s baby boy. It ’ s been a while since I had to entertain a baby, but I guess it ’ s like riding a bike. It always stays with you. The baby started to cry, and before I knew it, I was once again singing the song. “ On top of spaghetti ,” I warbled, “ all covered with cheese …” The baby stopped crying and looked at me in amazement. My own kids covered their ears as if in pain. ...

... Dear Baby Jesus A little boy is told by his mother that he has been very bad this year. Thus, he would probably not get anything for Christmas." What? Nothing for Christmas ?" cried the little boy." Well ," said mom," maybe if you write a letter to baby Jesus and tell him how sorry you are, Santa will bring you some presents" The little boy returned to his room and began his letter. With each attempt at writing he would first apologize and then promise to be good for a certain amount of time. Each letter he crumpled-up, and then started again, making the" be good" time shorter with each letter. Just as he was about to give up in frustration, he was suddenly struck by a bolt of inspiration! Running to the living room he carefully removed the little Mother Mary figure from the family's manger scene, and then he carefully wrapped it in a sock ...

... young son answered." We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night"" How about transportation ?" the father asked." I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles ," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised. Finally, in exasperation, the man asked," What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know"" We've thought about that, too ," the little boy replied." We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it !" [Source: The Daily Dilly (www.dobhran.com)-from 'Wit and Wisdom '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... At last she headed for the door, saying sagely," Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself !" When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied," I'm not sure"" Look in your underwear, Grandpa ," he advised." mine says I'm four to six" A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother," Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today" The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool." That's interesting ," she said," how do you make babies ?"" It's simple ," replied the girl." You just change 'y ' to 'i ' and add 'es" Children's Logic:" Give me a sentence about a public servant ," said a teacher. One of the small boys wrote:" The fireman came down the ladder pregnant" The teacher took the lad ...

... Quotables JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked:" Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk ?" MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said," If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six" STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight." I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window" BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked:" ...

... of the preacher tripping over the mike cord is greater on" Bring A Friend" Sunday than any other week. The largest Bible Class will show up when the teacher feels his / her worst. No matter how many bulletins you print, you'll always need one more. A member living 15 miles away will be 15 minutes early; Members living two blocks will be 15 minutes late. Saying" Let us Pray" or singing" Just as I Am" causes babies to cry. The shorter the agenda, the longer the business meeting. Business meetings ALWAYS last at least 15 minutes longer than they should. (So do some sermons) Church committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting. (William Spurgeon) When you answer the Bible teacher's question right, nobody remembers; when you are wrong, nobody forgets. The longest Scripture readings always come with the longest sermons. The furnace ...

... Washington-on-the Brazos, Harrisburg, Galveston, Velasco, West Columbia and Austin. The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. which is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington DC (by 7 feet). The name" Texas" comes from the Hasini Indian word" tejas" meaning friends. Tejas is not Spanish for Texas. The State Mascot is the Armadillo (an interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies. They have one egg, which splits into four, and they either have four males or four females). The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... The" real story" of the three bears. It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!" Who's been eating my porridge" he squeaks? Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty!" Who's been eating my porridge !," he roars? Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells," For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this ?"" It was 'Momma Bear ' who got up first"" It was 'Momma Bear ' who woke everybody else in the house up"" It was 'Momma Bear ' who made the Coffee"" It was 'Momma Bear ' who unloaded the dishwasher from last ...

... Foul Wind-breeze produced by flying turkey. Freeboard-food and liquor supplied by the owner. Gybe-A common way to get unruly guests off your boat. Headway-what you are making if you can't get the toilet to work. Head up-Leaving the boat toilet seat up. When boat skipper is female, leaving the head up is a serious offense. Heave-Ho-what you do when you've eaten too much Ho. Jack Lines-` Hey baby, want to go sailing? ' Jibe-either you like it or you don't and it gets you. Keel-term used by 1st mate after too much heel by skipper. Ketch-A sailboat with good wine in the cabin. Landlubber-anyone on board who wishes he were not. Latitude-the number of degrees off course allowed a guest. Mast-religious ritual used before setting sail. Mizzen-an object you can't find. Motor Sailer-A ...

... The invention of the IPOD means that kids get to shoot their sentimental songs directly into their ears with no one else being the wiser. So I never heard it coming. I thought my son ’ s angst-ridden expression was just a bad case of indigestion. By the time a cute little snippet of a girl appeared at my door swinging a blond ponytail and wielding a metaphorical woman ’ s weapon-feared by all mothers of sons – capable of separating me from my baby, it was too late. He was smitten. I used to think girls were far more affected by these things than boys. I was wrong. My son, the child who normally can ’ t shut his mouth, is absolutely tongue-tied in the presence of this girl. His eyes have a tender, deer-in-the-headlights look when she ’ s around, and his face wears a moony expression that is absolute agony for me. When she simply says his name, the young ...

... a beaver dam is anybody's guess. Apparently you don't have enough time in the mornings to straighten your blankets, so I've decided to get you up each morning a full fifteen minutes earlier than the day before, until we find an hour that affords you the opportunity to address the situation. This will continue as unbroken process until I am waking you up before you've even gone to bed. If you think I'm bluffing, you probably don't remember that when you were a baby, you woke me up at four thirty every single morning for a year. BATHROOM: Speaking of mornings, you and your teenage sister have been playing out the same drama over the bathroom every weekday for as long as I can remember. It's a longer-running show than Cats, and it always climaxes with one of you standing in the hallway and screaming at the other. To preclude even one more encore presentation of" I Need To Use The Bathroom You've Been In There ...

... weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend. Rule No. 6: It's not your parents ' fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of" It's my life ," You're not the boss of me ," & other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it's on your dime. Don't whine about it, or you'll sound like a baby boomer. Rule No. 7: Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room & listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents ' generation, try delousing the closet in your bedroom. Rule No. 8: Your school may have done away with winners & losers. Life ...

... eat, actually begged for bread after only two days. Bread is often a" gateway" food item, leading the user to harder items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person. Newborn babies can choke on bread. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions: No sale of bread to minors. No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to ...

... .-Voltaire Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you.-Pericles (430 B.C) A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.-Gerald Ford No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.-Mark Twain Talk is cheap. except when Congress does it.-Anonymous The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.-Ronald Reagan The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.-Winston Churchill There is no distinctly native American criminal class. save Congress.-Mark Twain The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.-Herbert Spencer The only difference between a ...

... ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils, leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about. Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over the" John" Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are ), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee in our pants every time we sneeze. When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says," Please stop screaming, Mrs. In-Labor. Calm down ...

... wife even more. You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes. You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's mother. You use your own saliva to clean your child's face. You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back the second time. You can't bear to give away baby clothes -it's so final. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say," Not in your good clothes !" You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you. You read that the average five-year-old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is above average. You say at least once a day, I'm not cut out for this job, but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. [Author Unknown- ...

... on his combine. The local phone book has a yellow page. Third Street is on the edge of town. The 7-11 is only open from 8-5. The only road crossing Main Street is a dirt road. At the last beauty contest, nobody won 2nd or 3rd place. The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both direction. There's no place to go that you shouldn't." Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes. The New Year's baby was born in October. [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the_funnnies ' (andychaps_the-funnies-owner @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... then and see~Can you recite one verse from Hezekiah 33? It says that women must not wear such clothes as manly slacks, And furthermore, it seems against the colors: greys and blacks. And men must not adorn themselves with earrings, jewels or chains," No necklaces of any kind ," verse 22 explains. The children must not play with dogs, it calls them filthy beasts! Dogs aren't allowed at festivals or any kind of feasts. All babies under three weeks old must not cry after 2, They must be pacified with sweets and candy, if they do. And each camel must be restrained within the gates by ten, Camel restraints are made quite clear: the how, the where, the when. No one should touch a winged insect, no swatting pesky flies:" Pour apple cider on its head until the insect dies" Ripe cantaloupes must not be found within a garden's walls, Don't pluck an ...

... ring around the local park and someone points at you and your dog, you raise both arms over your head, whoop and go looking for a ribbon. When shopping, your best friend asks you what you think of that snappy suit in the window, and you scowl and mutter," Useless, it is the same color as my dog and it has no pockets" When your neighbor points to her crawling infant and asks you what you think of her new baby, you study it for a minute and reply," Well, a little short on coat and long in the hock, but that kid has a great topline !" Dog cookies are starting to look good. What's a vacation? [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford"" Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day"" I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones"" I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her"" Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on them that we'd like to say ourselves, but we wouldn't be caught dead saying"" When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you"" Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross"" You really shouldn't say 'I love you ' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should ...

... Warning Labels Here are the winnners of the M-LAW competition for wackiest warning label of the year: 1st prize Do not use for personal hygiene-on a toilet brush. 2nd prize This product moves when used-from a child's scooter. Previous winners have included: Remove child before folding-on a baby's buggy. Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally-on a digital thermometer. Never remove food or other items from the blades while the product is operating-on an electric hand blender. Harmful if swallowed-on a three-pronged brass fishing lure. Do not use this product as a toy, pillow, or flotation device-on a bag of air used as a packing material. Do not use as a ladder-on a 30cm tall CD rack. Never iron clothes while they are being worn-on a household iron. Do not use the Silence Feature in emergency situations. It will not extinguish a fire ...

... Seven Stages of the Married Cold Stage 1: Sugar dumpling, I've really been worried about my baby girl. That's a bad sniffle and there's no telling about these things with all the strep that's going around. I'm going to put you in the hospital for a general check-up and a good rest. I know the food's terrible, but I'm going to bring you dinner every night from Rosini's. I've got it all arranged with the floor supervisor. Stage 2: Listen, darling, I don't like the sound of that cough. I'm going to call Doc Miller to rush over here. Now you go to bed like a good girl just for papa. Stage 3: Maybe you'd better lie down, honey. Nothing like a little rest when you're feeling lousy. I'll bring you something. Have we got any canned soup? Stage 4: Now look, dear, be sensible. After you've fed the kids and gotten the dishes done ...

... that if a guy didn't like kids and pets, don't bother with him because he probably possessed no patience or sense of humor. Another was to be careful of what you wish for. When my husband and I were first married many years ago, two of the first things on our priority list when we could finally afford to move into our own home (where pets and kids would definitely be allowed ), was of course, to get a puppy and have a baby. We bought a beautiful little Shelty that we named Rusty, and made plans to start our family. One of my favorite memories, of this era in our lives, was when my husband came home from work or an errand. The first thing he would do is drop everything, and greet Rusty by grabbing his little face, gently shaking his head back and forth, saying with a lot of gusto," Hi ya, Rusty, did you miss me ?" ...

... how much patience you have. Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid. The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself hire someone to do it forbid your kids to do it There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going. Those who say they" sleep like a baby" haven't got one. The best thing to spend on your children is time. [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Tips From Your I.T. Department When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all. Ask us if we got taught how to use a computer in High School. the teachers at High ...

... of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -Voltaire (1764) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. -Pericles (430 B.C) No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session. -Mark Twain (1866) Talk is cheap-except when Congress does it. (Unknown) The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -Ronald Reagan The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -Winston Churchill The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903) There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress. -Mark Twain What this country needs ...

... Before children: I was thankful for the Moosewood Vegetarian Cookbook.-After children: I am thankful for the Butterball turkey hotline. Before children: I was thankful for a warm, cozy home to share with my loved ones.-After children: I am thankful for the lock on the bathroom door. Before children: I was thankful for material objects like custom furniture, a nice car, and trendy clothes.-After children: I am thankful when the baby spits up and misses my good shoes. Before children: I was thankful for my wonderful family.-After children: I am thankful for my wonderful family. [by Debbie Farmer (familydaze @home.com)-from 'Heartwarmers '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... TITLES OF THE LOVE BALLADS YOU CAN SING TO YOUR BELOVED: "'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?"-Arnold, age 10 "'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister"-Larry, age 8 "'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!"-Eddie, age 6 "'I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Don't Bother Me When I'm with My Friends"-Bob, age 9 "'Hey, Baby, I Don't like Girls but I'm Willing to Forget You Are One!"-Will, age 7 "'Honey, I Got Your Curly Hair and Your Nintendo on My Mind"-Sharon, age 9 WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY" I LOVE YOU"" The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day"-Michelle, age 9" Some lovers might be real nervous, ...

... Dog and Cat Medicus The 'How To ' give your Dog or Cat a Pill.-DOG: Put the pill in a piece of meat. Drop meat in dogs mouth-to retain your fingers.-CAT: Pick up the cat and gently cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. Retrieve pill ...

... . Please use the large double door at the side entrance. The 8th graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7: 00 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. Tonight's sermon-" What is hell ?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the North and South ends of the church. Babies will be baptized at both ends. Tuesday at 4: 00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early. This being Easter, Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Smith to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of a new carpet. All of those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and do so. Thursday ...

... in a foot massage unit Columella Nasi a) the small indented space below and between the nostrils b) the scientific term for pasta that's gone bad c) the Op-Ed page in Italian newspapers Ferrule a) the metal band on a pencil that holds the eraser in place b) a measuring stick made from iron c) a victory dance in the ferret family Octothorpe a) the" pound" symbol on a digital telephone keypad b) eight Olympic runners c) a baby octopus Phosphenes a) the light you see when you close your eyes hard b) a chemical used in laundry detergent c) a Greek name for female co-eds in college Punt a) the indentation at the bottom of a wine bottle b) a German boot c) the heavy ball used in the sport of curling Rowel a) the spinning star on a cowboy's spur b) a small oar c) a tool used in the application of brick mortar Wamble a) stomach ...

... on my cell phone in fractured syntax designed to torture my English-major soul." i no u h8 me. i try so hard 2 b good. y r u mad @me ?" Cave men scribbling on walls were more eloquent. Then there's the alteration in appearance. While I'm desperately trying to avoid bags and sags, this long-haired Neanderthal living in my house embraces them as fashion. Wearing gravity-defying pants slung low across his scrawny backside, he looks just like a baby with an overly full diaper. When I helpfully pointed this out, I got another overwrought electronic missive that ended with the text message equivalent of a scream. This modern means of communication does keep the house quiet. Adolescent males seem to lose all capacity for living like civilized human beings. This means that my boy constantly raids the refrigerator but can't manage to close a door, that he can take 30-minute showers but never hang up a wet towel, that he stuffs freshly ...

... the door and act like you know what you're doing then catch the next one and hope all the people you were with have gotten off. When there are six elevator doors, the one you stand in front of will be the last to open. When the elevator is the most full, one of two people will be on with you: an extremely sick man who coughs constantly and then gets off on the same floor you do, or a lady with a baby that screams through the entire ride. Don't pass gas in an elevator even if you are all alone because when you do, the very next stop will have ten people waiting to get on. It's always best to wait until the elevator is full then no one knows who to blame. If you speak to a stranger in an elevator there will always be nervous laughter. The friendliest person on the elevator that insists on talking to you will always have bad breath and body ...

... . HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range. INCENSE: Holy Smoke! JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams. JONAH: The original" Jaws" story. JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own. KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower. MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough. PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches. PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats. RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking ...

... Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this, you know you're from California if: Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible. You make over $300, 000 and still can't afford a house. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower. You can't remember. Is pot illegal? You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian. You can't remember. is pot illegal? A really great parking space can totally move you to tears. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the USA. Unlike back home, the guy at 8: 30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks ...

... the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated." I'm not quite sure it's a duck ," he said," I think that I will have to get a second opinion" And of course by that time, the bird was long gone. Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies." I'll have to do some more investigations ," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape. Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck? The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma. Finally a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM !! ...

... like the picture on the box. Any toy that requires assembly will never be as fun to play with as the box. Food: Red Popsicles and yellow Kool-Aid will make an orange stain on white silk blouse. Nothing will get peanut butter out of the VCR. Be suspicious of any food that comes in blue. Organization: No matter how many hours you spend packing the car for a quick trip to the store, you will always forget the one item the baby will need the most. You can create extra space in your livingroom by putting the wooden blocks under the footrest of the recliner, stacking the Legos around the television set, and sliding the Hot Wheels track between the encyclopedia collection in the bookshelf. Or you can save time by moving all of your furniture into the garage. Most ovens are large enough to store train track, a stack of puzzles, and a Barbie Camper. Art: There is no such thing as ...

... A Woman's Random Thoughts Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them. One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 LBS. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose ...

... adds another 10 pounds. It doesn ’ t get any better than that. The virtual me turned out to be quite a hot mamma, I must say, and I eagerly anticipated the arrival of my online bathing suit. Unfortunately, when I attempted to stuff my veritable skin into my virtual suit, I was sorely disappointed. Not only was I not a hot mamma, I wasn ’ t even warm. On the virtual me, certain appendages intended to nourish babies had provided a pleasingly perky presentation. On the real me, said appendages seemed to have vanished. Upon further inspection, I found them cowering under my armpits. The spectacle was even scarier in the lower regions, but I will spare you the details. My high-tech suit solution having shriveled, I was forced to drag myself down to the department store and enter the psyche-smashing chamber of horrors known as the dressing room. Why do retailers insist on equipping their fitting rooms with ...

... Explain God (third grade homework assignment)" One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth"" He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk, He can just leave that to mothers and fathers"" God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime"" God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off"" God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which ...

... children would learn English. Today, fathers pray their children will speak English. In 1909, a father's horsepower meant his horses. Today, it's the size of his minivan. In 1909, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success. Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home. In 1909, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived. Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera. In 1909, fathers passed on clothing to their sons. Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle. In 1909, fathers could count on children to join the family business. Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and ...

... or friends and removed from the location, they will be replaced by a freshly bewildered idiot within 2.5 minutes, maximum. No matter how many signs (or how big they are) the store puts up clearly announcing" NO RETURNS OR EXCHANGES DEC 26 or 27" there will be no less than 5 morons crowded into every cashier's line who figure this rule couldn't possibly apply to them. And they'll be pretty huffy about it, too. Nitwits who can clearly afford baby sitters (either that, or they're shoplifting the 5 high-end DVD players under their arm) will have the curious impression that Boxing Day shopping is exactly the sort of bonding event their squalling 3-week-old offspring wants most to do in this life. The parking lot of any store over 300 square meters will contain no less than 17 Sport Utility Vehicles with dogs pretending to be ready to drive off at a moment's notice. When the supervising human does return, odds are 50: 50 ...

... 10 Signs Your Guy Hates Shopping Here Are 10 Signs That Your Guy Hates Going Shopping With You. You catch him staring into the store's security cameras, waving his arms in the air and mouthing:" Help me !" In the last year of hitting the mall together, he's gained 20 pounds trying to self-medicate on cheese fries from the food court. He sleeps like a baby... in Victoria's Secret. The store's lounge area has turned into a therapy circle for men, with your Guy acting as moderator. You catch him shooting the breeze about baseball and trying to place an eighth-inning bet... with a mannequin. On trips to the shopping outlets, he routinely grabs the arms of little boys and shouts" run for your life, child, before it's too late" When you suggest he bring a magazine to read to pass the time, he lugs an entire year's worth of back issues. The saleswoman at the ...

... the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket for you. The family is fine. Your father, he has a lovely job. He has about 500 men under him. He is cutting grass down at the cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet whether it's a girl or a boy so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle. We got a bill from the funeral home the other day. They said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up. Billy Bob was driving and Willie and Joe was in the back. Billy Bob got out, he rolled ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Midyear Resolutions With the first half of 2008 safely swept into the dustbin of history, it is time to also throw out our New Year ’ s resolutions – those giddy, glamorous goals made when the year was young and we were possibly influenced by too much champagne. It is time to roll out more modest midyear resolutions. The lean and vigorous New Year ’ s baby has now aged into a less lively, middle-aged adult with love handles, and our annual, overly optimistic infant aspirations need to be trimmed accordingly. Speaking of love handles, the whole ridiculous weight-loss resolution absolutely must be on the midyear chopping block. That ’ s the No. 1 pledge on most people ’ s lists, and it simply has to go. So we ’ ll start with that diabolical duo of duties-exercise and eating right-that each of us swears to embrace in January. Who are ...

... Mom's Dictionary AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr -old to eat strained beets. ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself. APPLE: Nutritious lunch-time dessert which children will trade for cupcakes. BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42. BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning." BECAUSE ": Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically. BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves. CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes. CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar. CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love ...

... POTUS (President of the United States) would have their own individualized transformation tunes to croon. Rudy Giuliani and John Edwards, for example, would mourn what might have been with verses from that old Sinatra song Change Partners: “ Won ’ t you change partners and dance with me ?” Hillary Clinton would be groovin ’ to Eric Clapton ’ s Everybody Oughta Make a Change with lyrics like this: “ Change in the weather, change in the sea, come back baby, you ’ ll find a change in me, ” while Mitt Romney would surely be belting out verses from another Clapton change chant: “ I can change the world, I would be the sunlight in your universe ” Barack Obama could sing these famous Sheryl Crow stanzas: “ A change would do you good, I think a change would do you good ” And John McCain would certainly serenade us with Tom Petty ’ s Change of Heart: “ Well I fought for ...

... In A Perfect World A person should feel as good at 50 as he did at 17 and he would actually be as smart at 50 as he thought he was at 17. You could give away a baby bed without getting pregnant. Forget-me-nots would stimulate the memory. Doing what was good for you would be what you enjoyed doing the most. Pro baseball players would complain about teachers being paid contracts worth millions of dollars. People always have good reasons to be optimistic. You would never fumble, but if you did, you would recover the ball yourself The mail would always be early, the check would always be in the mail, and it would be written for more than you expected. Potato chips might have calories, but if you ate them with a dip, the calories would be neutralized. If the guy from the government said to you," I'm here to help ," not only would he mean it, but also ...

... , hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if: Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible. You make over $300, 000 and still can't afford a house. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower. You can't remember.... is pot illegal? You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian. You can't remember.... is pot illegal? A really great parking space can totally move you to tears. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S. Unlike back home, the guy at 8: 30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and ...

... Pharaoh's daughter-she went to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet. Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married? A. Ruth-less. Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. Honda. because the apostles were all in one Accord. (Acts 2: 1) Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson-he brought the house down. Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible? A. David-he rocked Goliath to sleep. Q. What do they call pastors in Germany? A. German Shepherds. Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? A. The area around the Jordan-the banks were always overflowing. Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible? A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court. Q: Which Bible character had no parents? A: Joshua, son of Nun. ...

... sport is becoming accustomed to dressing like you've just immigrated from a mentally ill country. To make the sport less boring, course designers have carefully built in a whole series of obstacles, called" geese" The geese give you something to look at while the person who is at bat walks around, staring at the golf ball from all angles as if trying to decide who it reminds him of. The geese often engage in a biological function necessary to the creation of baby geese, if you get my drift, which you'd think would remind most of the men playing golf that they could probably be doing something similar if they didn't spend every weekend on the golf course, but it never does. I decided to take a lesson from a golf" pro" -a person who is paid by the country club to discredit the theory that a deep tan is bad for your health. I arrived at the club house early and found myself eavesdropping on ...

... How to Administer Medication to Your Cat Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat ...

... the funeral of my dearest friend-my mother. She finally had lost her long battle with cancer. The hurt was so intense, I found it hard to breathe at times. Always supportive, Mother clapped loudest at my school plays, held a box of tissues while listening to my first heartbreak, comforted me at my father's death, encouraged me in college, and prayed for me my entire life. When Mother's illness was diagnosed, my sister had a new baby and my brother had recently married his childhood sweetheart, so it fell on me, the 27-year-old middle child without entanglements, to take care of her. I counted it an honor." What now, Lord ?" I asked sitting in church. My life stretched out before me as an empty abyss. My brother sat stoically with his face toward the cross while clutching his wife's hand. My sister sat slumped against her husband's shoulder, his arms around her as she cradled ...