... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Beauty Shop Dropout She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. – Henny Youngman I ’ m thinking about becoming a beauty shop dropout. I ’ m thinking of abandoning my regular visits to those places of promised prettiness that writer Susan Sontag called theaters of feminine frivolity. If I do, it will be for the good of mankind, specifically for the sake of one of mankind ’ s representatives who had the misfortune to witness my latest bid for beauty. The salon is a sacred place for many women. You (and by using the word you here, I mean me) enter it ugly, with a bed head that looks like it got tangled in a spinning ceiling fan. You leave it looking good – cleanly cut, cleverly colored and skillfully styled. The hairdresser is an authority figure, a sorcerer with scissors who can make us ...

... A Female Looks In The Mirror Age 8: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella / Sleeping Beauty. Age 15: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella / Sleeping Beauty / Cheerleader or sees fat / Ugly. (Mom I can't go to school looking like this !) Age 20: Looks at herself and sees" too fat / too thin, too / short / too tall, too straight / too curly"-but decides she's going anyway. Age 30: Looks at herself and sees" too fat / too thin, too short / too tall, too straight / too curly" but decides she doesn't have time to fix it, so she goes anyway. Age 40: Looks at herself and sees" too fat / too thin, too short / to tall too straight / too curly"-but says:" At least I'm clean" and goes anyway. Age 50: Looks at herself and sees ...

... the time during your leisure hours. Agenda follows: Day 1: The" 10 Deadliest Snakes" Fall Tour. You and a guest will be escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to handle and examine each of the world's 10 most deadly snakes. Day 2: The" Great White Encounter" You and your tour guide will take a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to dive into the chum-laden water and experience the beauty of the Great White shark. Day 3: The Aboriginal" Festival of Spears" You will be the honored guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebrate the subjugation of the aboriginal race by the white man, with free liquor and a special weapons exhibition. Day 4: The" Crocodile Dundee" Petting Zoo. You will be able to come up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless salt-water crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked to participate in a ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Age Before Beauty Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.~Mark Twain Now that spring has sprung, it ’ s time for women of a certain age and with an uncertain waistline – women whose bodies have been happily hibernating all winter-to torment themselves by thinking about the approach of yet another season of swimsuit exposure. I saw this torment on the face of a friend of mine not long ago when she stopped by for a cup of coffee. We lamented the increasing force of gravity on our various body parts. “ My thighs have fallen below my knees ,” my friend said glumly, “ and you don ’ t even want to know about my other falling objects. My husband has threatened to trade me in for a newer model ” Through no fault of our own, we have somehow reached that age where things are ...

... right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman.-Jacob (Genesis 29: 15-30) Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife.-David (I Samuel 18: 27) Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course)-Cain (Genesis 4: 16-17) Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.-Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2: 3-4) When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents," I have seen a .woman; now get her for me" If your parents question your decision, simply say," Get her for me. She's the one for me"-Samson (Judges 14: 1-3) Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though).-David (2 ...

... The Shock Upon Entering Heaven I was shocked, confused, bewildered as I entered Heaven's door, Not by the beauty of it all, by the lights or its decor. But it was the folks in Heaven who made me sputter and gasp-the thieves, the liars, the sinners, the alcoholics, the trash. There stood the kid from seventh grade who swiped my lunch money twice. Next to him was my old neighbor who never said anything nice. Herb, who I always thought was rotting away in hell, was sitting pretty on cloud nine, looking incredibly well. I nudged Jesus," What's the deal? I would love to hear Your take. How'd all these sinners get up here? God must've made a mistake. And why's everyone so quiet, so somber? Give me a clue"" Hush child ," said He" They're all in shock. No one thought they'd see you" [Author Unknown ...

... anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent-or some similar combination. LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed. LAW 14: Golf balls from the same" sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three). LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty. LAW 16:" Nice lag" can usually be translated to" lousy putt" Similarly," Tough break" can usually be translated" Way to miss an easy one, sucker" LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you. LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be. LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least ...

... It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees F. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly suriferous. Where there are visible vapors having their prevalence in ingnited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. ANSWERS: Twinkle, twinkle, little star. Look before you leap. Birds of a feather flock together. Beauty is only skin deep. No use crying over spilt milk. Cleanliness is next to godliness. The pen is mightier than the sword. Can't teach an old dog new tricks. Spare the rod and spoil the child. A watched pot never boils. All that glitters is not gold. Where there's smoke, there's fire. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... . For fun on Saturday nights, people drive up and down main street. There's no bank. as soon as someone gets enough money, they leave. The only traffic jam's are caused when a farmer drives down Main Street on his combine. The local phone book has a yellow page. Third Street is on the edge of town. The 7-11 is only open from 8-5. The only road crossing Main Street is a dirt road. At the last beauty contest, nobody won 2nd or 3rd place. The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both direction. There's no place to go that you shouldn't." Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes. The New Year's baby was born in October. [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the_funnnies ' (andychaps_the-funnies-owner @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... the growth and saves them a lot of work"" You aren't going believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it"" What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life"" You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away ...

... The ABCs Of Aging" A" is for apple, and" B" is for Boat, that used to be right, but now it won't float. Age before beauty is what we once said, but let's be a bit more realistic instead. Now, A 's for arthritis; B 's the bad back, C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac. D is for dental decay and decline; E is for eyesight, can't read that top line. F is for fissures and fluid retention, G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention. H is high blood pressure -I'd rather it low; I for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend. K is for knees that crack when they bend. L for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget! What comes next? N is neuralgia, in nerves way down ...

... how do you explain the way it works against you? Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse. A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and a tax agent-or some similar combination. All 3-woods are demon-possessed. A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty. [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... lot of work. ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it. GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life. ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have ...

... set of golf clubs, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and foolishly agreed to his plan. Our bonding started off with a bang when we attempted to put up the tents. After what seemed like hours and with several far-from-harmonious verbal exchanges over who knew less about what we were doing, the tents appeared to have assumed their intended shape. So we decided to go for a hike. At first, things went well. We drank in the beauty of the mountains as we walked along the trail. The sun was shining through the trees. The air was crisp, cool and dry. So dry, in fact, that I emptied my water bottle within the first couple of hours of the hike. And soon, I felt the need to answer nature ’ s call. Being a descendent of pioneers, I did not panic, even though we were a long way from the nearest toilet. I explained the situation ...

... computer without a lesson but can't make a bed. A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying for her driver's license. A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music-loud and very loud. An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired to dry the dishes. A young woman who loves the cat and barely tolerates her brother. A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week. A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off. A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday-he suspects the lawn needs mowing. An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over) Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response. I've run away to join a different circus. I will be out of the office ...

... been received by the National Forest Service from visitors to our nation's parks." Need more signs to keep the park pristine"" Escalators would help on steep uphill areas of the hiking trails"" More families would enjoy the parks and city children could learn more about nature if the Parks Department would provide services that include arcades, water slides and child care"" A big hotel with a golf course and even a convention center would attract more people to this natural beauty"" Instead of a permit system or fees, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to the wilderness"" Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands"" All the mile markers are missing this year"" We found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse"" Many trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building ones that go uphill"" Too many bugs and leeches and spider webs. ...

... with you to the store. Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.-Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See" Magician". Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n.-Similar to a black hole in space: if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon. Lipstick (lip*stik) n.-On your lips, coloring to en-hance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear! Park (park) v / n.-Before children, a verb meaning" to go somewhere and neck" After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. Patience (pa*shens) n.-The most important ingredient for dating, marriage, and children. See also" tranquil-izers". Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae ...

... one, you'll become a philospher"-Socrates" A diplomatic husband said to his wife, 'How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older? '"" It takes a smart spouse to have the last word and not use it"" The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator"-Bill Lawrence" The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because she knows that the average man can see much better than he can think"-Ladies Home Journal" A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband"-Michel de Montaingne" Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse"-Arthur Baer" Marriage is a great institution-but I'm not ready for an institution yet"-Mae West" When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let ...

... instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day .or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having ...

... Senior Personal Ads FOXY LADY: Fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, slim, 5-4 (used to be 5-6 ), searching for sharp looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem. SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together ...