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... . APPLE: Nutritious lunch-time dessert which children will trade for cupcakes. BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42. BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning." BECAUSE ": ... beets. ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself. APPLE: Nutritious lunch-time dessert which children will trade for cupcakes. BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42. BATHROOM: ... after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals. OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company. OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad. PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms ...
... to correct him." Don't you know what pregnant means ?" she asked." Sure ," said the young boy confidently." It means carrying a child" When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, ... ?" After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to ... ," how do you make babies ?"" It's simple ," replied the girl." You just change 'y ' to 'i ' and add 'es" Children's Logic:" Give me a sentence about a public servant ," said a teacher. One of the small boys wrote:" The fireman came down the ladder ...
... the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk. Always repeat everything you say at least five times. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to ... paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, apallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have ... their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it -it's the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers. To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5pm ...
... begin the Herculean task of breaking down all that food. As it often does, the terrible news came from a single, small voice. The youngest child emerged from the bathroom shouting excitedly, The potty s exploding ! There are few things less welcome at such a time than the words potty and exploding ... fare. The men did what men do on such occasions; they stood around waiting to begin the traditional male holiday jobs of eating and sleeping. The children sprinted around outside, hands and feet flying, noses running, delirious with the joy of being out of school and unsupervised. When all was ready, we ... when Congress mandated that toilets should flush with a measly 1.6 gallons of water. Today s children, deprived of the 3.5 gallons that swirled through our childhoods, are far too well-acquainted with the humble plunger. When one was located nearby, our low-flow generation sent up an affectionate cheer that made my blood boil. ...
... mud-pies with your toes without worrying about what the carpet will look like. A paper with a purple crayon scribble on it might be a masterpiece to your child. Inalienable truths: Treat your children the way you want other people to treat them. Never leave a PTA meeting to use the restroom. There will never ... A Mother's Wisdom After I had children I realized there was a lot of information left out of the first time parenting manuals. Although most of them mention what to expect when you're expecting, or give advice on what to do during childbirth, none of them mention what you're really in for during the next eighteen ... . So, for what it's worth, here is a collection of household tips, motherly wisdom, and observations I have acquired. Houshold tips: It is possible to make a bottle, change a diaper, and wind the automatic swing without remembering your full name or the day of the week. It is possible ...
... Childern's Sermon A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church. On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started ... Childern's Sermon A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church. On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started ... Childern's Sermon A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church. On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started ...
... my body again, this body of mine is for me to use, And not for your hugs and kisses and stuff, that's just another form of child abuse. HE CONTINUED WITH: And stop trying to fill my head with morals, like your mama did to you, Things like that is called mind control ... : Guess what I learned in Civics Two, that's taught by Mr. Wright, It's about the laws of the land, today, its called THE CHILDREN'S BILL OF RIGHTS. IT SAYS: That I don't have to clean my room, I don't even have to cut my hair, Nobody can tell me what ... A Child's Bill Of Rights My son came home from school one day, with a silly grin on his face, He thought he was smarter than me, his mom, and he could put me in my place. HE SAID: Guess what I learned in Civics Two, that's taught by Mr. Wright ...
... , but he" made the dinner". Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n.-Gotta get married in a church. Childbirth (child*brth) n.-You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say" focus. breathe .push" ... -hance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear! Park (park) v / n.-Before children, a verb meaning" to go somewhere and neck" After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. Patience (pa* ... everything up, but he" made the dinner". Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n.-Gotta get married in a church. Childbirth (child*brth) n.-You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say" focus. breathe ...
... Taylor s aunt. She was warm, comforting and pillowy soft, and she could cook up a storm. When I watched the show as a child, I always wanted to climb up in her lap. The make-believe Mayberry was based on Griffith s real-life hometown of Mount Airy, NC, a community ... a fact known only by hip young whippersnappers such as myself) Opie s also has many different kinds of chocolate. This is a good thing for children, and it s an even better thing for women. Chocolate is to women what beer is to men. Chocolate is nature s Midol. While ... meltdown. She really did look like Andy s aunt upswept hair, warm smile and pillowy soft frame. For a moment, I had a childlike urge to climb into her lap. Fortunately, I came to my senses before I ended up in the Mayberry jail guarded by Barney. Aunt Bea s ...
... on the bench asleep, her head resting on them. Sadly or not depending on your perspective-the garden room is no more. My flower child has grown into a teenager, a Mary Quite Contrary who has long been embarrassed by her blooming bedroom. So this summer we finally updated it. We took ... ~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he ... bench and its fencing and put them in the garage. We removed the prettily painted shelf with its daisy-shaped knobs underneath that held trophies and ribbons and other childhood memorabilia. We painted the room lime green yes, heaven help me, lime green-because that's the color desired by the girl whose legs are now ...
... : 30 and have summers off" (This is my personal favorite). You might be a school employee if it is difficult to name your own child because there's no name you can come up with that doesn't bring high blood pressure as it is uttered. You might be a school employee if you can tell ... , the kids sure are mellow today" You might be a school employee if when out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior. You might be a school employee if you have no social life between August and June. You might be a ... with Velcro and then requiring uniforms made out of the corresponding Velcro could ever be misunderstood by the public. You might be a school employee if meeting a child's parent instantly answers this question," Why is this kid like this ?" You might be a school employee if you would choose a mammogram over a parent conference ...
... Equal Protection" clause. Specific examples are cited of other children who are not cleaning their garages. Step Five: The" nobody else has to" doctrine is rejected as having no bearing on the case. Step Six: Each child petitions separately for the relief under the" why do I have to do it none of it is my junk" theory. Step Seven: The father rules that the individuals of the household are a family, that the junk in the ... the process by which a paternal proclamation becomes law in the Cameron household. Step One: The father of the house issues an executive order that all Saturday activities will be suspended until the garage is cleaned up. Step Two: The children form a committee and produce a report finding the order totally unconstitutional because it violates the" Cruel and Unusual" clause. Step Three: The committee report is voided by paternal declaration. Step Four: The ruling is appealed under the" ...
... sitter to call only if she sees blood. At Home: 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. 2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children. Swallowing Coins: 1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the ... The Birth Order Of Children Your Clothes: 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB / GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. Preparing for the Birth: 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing. 3rd baby: You ...
... Deficient Noun Disease Do you commonly find yourself calling your children by the wrong name, and feel like kicking yourself for spending so much time selecting just the right name for each child? Do you find yourself saying to your child," Sure, I know where you left your cookie" It's on the long white horizontal surface in the kitchen. you know, the one with the thing we cook with on one end and the thing we put stuff into keep it ... Deficient Noun Disease Do you commonly find yourself calling your children by the wrong name, and feel like kicking yourself for spending so much time selecting just the right name for each child? Do you find yourself saying to your child," Sure, I know where you left your cookie" It's on the long white horizontal surface in the kitchen. you know, the one with the thing we cook with on one end and the thing we put stuff into keep it ...
... Q & A on College Having a child in college is the best cure I know for some of the worst symptoms of middle age, such as savings accounts and vacations. It's sort of the financial equivalent of stepping into an elevator shaft -except that in this case, at the end of each semester the elevator takes you back up to the top floor so you can do it again. For those parents who believe they might accidentally have given birth to children smart enough ... get into college, here's a session of Bruce the Answer Man to address their concern. (" Concern" in this case being the same as" panic ") QUESTION: I've always meant to establish a college fund for my son, but now he's 19. Does this make me a bad parent? ANSWER: No, it makes you a typical parent. QUESTION: Please explain the meaning of college" non-discretionary fees" ANSWER: Take tuition, room, and board and ...
... want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your child's favorite toy and made him / her cry. You have time to shave only one leg at a time. You hide in the bathroom to be alone. You child throws up, and you catch it. Someone else's kid throws up at a party, and you keep eating. You consider finger paint to be a controlled substance. You mastered the art of placing large quanitities of pancakes and eggs on ... You Know You're A Mom When... You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal. You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your child's favorite toy and made him / her cry. You have time to shave only one leg at a time. You hide in the bathroom to be alone. You child throws up, and you catch it. Someone else's kid throws up at a party, and you keep ...
... , the boss asked," Is your Mommy there ?"" Yes ", came the answer." May I talk with her ?" Again the small voice whispered," no". Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child." Is there any one there besides you ?" the boss asked the child." Yes" ... Telephonic Conversation... The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered," Hello ?" The boss asked," Is your Daddy home ?"" Yes ", whispered the small voice." May I talk with him ?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered," No" Wanting to talk with ...
... I Bring You Franken-thine Miss Swickey knew she was in deep trouble when six-year-old Homer first uttered his one and only line in the Sunday School Christmas pageant. Facing a facsimile of the Christ child, lying in a manger, Homer, as one of the three Wise Men, held out his gift and said," I bring you Franken-thine" Immediately the entire stage was bedlam." That's frankincense ," Miss Swickey said soothingly over the hooting of the other children." ... word is frankincense, Homer. Not Frankenstein"" Yeth'm ," Homer said, a sheepish grin on his face. Miss Swickey shook her head. The rehearsal had not been going at all well today. First one of angels got into a fight with a shepherd. Then Joseph upstaged Mary by picking his nose. Shortly thereafter, one of the sheep-donated by local farmer Isaiah Doolittle-had an accident onstage, much to the merriment of the young thespians. Now ...
19. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Theme Park. [Humor]
... ) standing in line, and (b) sweating. The sun reflects off the concrete with a fiendish lack of mercy-you're about to learn the boiling point of tennis shoes. Your hair is sunburned, and when a small child in front of you gestures with her hand she smacks you in the face with her cotton candy; now it feels like your cheeks are covered with carnivorous sand. The ride your children have selected for you is a corkscrewing, stomach-compressing roller ... Theme Park One of the most endearing traits of children is their utter trust that their parents will provide them with all of life's necessities, meaning food, shelter, and a weekend at a theme park. A theme park is a sort of artificial vacation, a place where you can enjoy all your favorite pastimes at once, such as motion sickness and heat exhaustion. Adult tolerance for theme parks peaks at about an hour, which is how long it takes to walk ...
... t be like regular chores. I could feed the chickens. And milk the cute little cows" This from a kid who develops sudden, crippling pain in her legs when asked to take out the trash. This from the child caught flinging the dog poop over the fence into the neighbor s yard instead of disposing of it properly. I inform her cute little cows like to be milked very early in the morning, at an hour she s only seen ... the cows, since you like to get up early anyway. I could pick crops and stuff like that This from a kid who can t even pick her socks up off the floor. This conversation got me thinking about children and chores and TV shows that leave me chewing my own figurative cud while I wallow in maternal guilt. It was so easy for Ma Walton and Ma Ingalls to do everything right. Their children did chores happily, ecstatic at being able ...
... Things To Think About Insanity is inherited-you get it from your kids. It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father. It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents. Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. One child is often not enough, but two children can be ... too many. You can learn many things from children. like how much patience you have. Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid. The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself hire someone to do it forbid your kids to do it There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television ...
... everyone is in trouble" She watched as He reached for the container marked patience." And what do I need patience for ?" she asked as He poured in quite a supply." After a week you will know, my child"" And whatever could that be ?"" This is your bypass mechanism. It enables a mother to operate efficiently for long periods of time without compliments from her children"" I'm sure I won't need that"" I'm sure you ... " Then God reached for a bundle labeled insulation against loud noises." You can skip that ," she told him." I don't mind a little noise"" That's nice ," He said. Seeing all the energy He was preparing to give her, she shifted uneasily from one foot to the other." I wouldn't need all that energy in a million years"" Little you know. You will use all of this and be begging for more before long" ...
... be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey. We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comments I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5: 00 a.m. ... discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying. We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose ...
... Sundays before the service. One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel, the priest came rushing up in full vestments. He said he had an emergency and asked if I'd speak to the children at their story time. He said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm. But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk about the good shepherd, the priest burst into the room and signaled to me that ... Who is the Shepherd? Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop them off at our church's Children's Chapel on Sundays before the service. One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel, the priest came rushing up in full vestments. He said he had an emergency and asked if I'd speak to the children at their story time. He said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm. But just as I was ...
... Sundays before the service. One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel, the priest came rushing up in full vestments. He said he had an emergency and asked if I'd speak to the children at their story time. He said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm. But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk about the good shepherd, the priest burst into the room and signaled to me that ... Good Shepherd Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop them off at our church's Children's Chapel on Sundays before the service. One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel, the priest came rushing up in full vestments. He said he had an emergency and asked if I'd speak to the children at their story time. He said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm. But just as I was about to get ...
... flower children, it s a time you remember fondly. Well, at least those of you who still have functioning memories remember it fondly. The rest of you are busy searching for your lost meatball. Being a very curious child prone to over-analyzing things, I spent a great deal of time puzzling over the logistics of the On Top of Spaghetti song. How could a sneeze be powerful enough to knock a meatball off its pasta perch and send it all ... meatball. What a great song that was, full of the groovy goofiness that defined The Sixties. For a young whippersnapper like me, The Sixties is a historical period, practically ancient times. But for many of you old-fogie flower children, it s a time you remember fondly. Well, at least those of you who still have functioning memories remember it fondly. The rest of you are busy searching for your lost meatball. Being a very curious child prone to ...
... that day replayed when 'cross the street I flew." Saint Peter, roll that scene where I'm a small, befuddled tot~A man, hit by a peacock, taken to the piddle-pot !" -Connie" When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child" (I Corinthians 13: 11, KJV) [by: Connie Hinnen Cook (cjcook @mynewroads.com)-from Connie Hinnen Cook] Inspirational Poems SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved ... . He saw I was excited, but had no clue as to why. Quite out of breath, I waved my arms and gasped," A man got hit !" Dad Heck feigned shock and leaned down low to hear my childish bit." He got hit by a*peacock*and guess what, I 'bout forgot. They took that man away, and put him in the*piddle-pot *! Dad Heck said," What ?!" I stomped my foot and ...
... time. And he practiced it at home, where he delighted in wrapping his toddler son s Christmas presents so thoroughly layer upon layer of paper secured by yards of tape and elaborately tied ribbons-that it sometimes took the child days to open each gift. My boss would regale us in the last week of December with proud tales of how his son worked diligently each day for a few minutes anyway to open his surprises from Santa. We were even ... , which means you cannot blame us for wrap rage. It also means our football team can wipe the floor with the team of my former boss, but that s another column for another day. As parents of modern American children who cannot possibly grow into decent adults without owning all the latest electronic equipment and toys (or so they tell us ), we ve experienced our share of wrap rage, and we have the scars to prove it. My personal packaging ...
... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! To Do or Not To Do When my children are grown and looking back over their childhoods, I hope they ll forgive me for my Shakespeare phase. This was a phase in which I d quote The Bard extensively, or as extensively as my Cliff Notes knowledge of him would allow. When it was past my kids bedtimes, I d order them to sleep, perchance to dream ... my daughter was whining about something, I d announce that the lady doth protest too much When I had to pick up my son s stinky sneakers, I d say sarcastically as I gagged at the odor wafting from them, a rose by any other name would smell as sweet And when my darlings would head out the door to school in the morning, I d call out after them: Parting is such sweet sorrow ! ...
... Mom's Letter to Santa Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, ... the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting," Don't eat in the living room" and" Take your hands off your brother ", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet ...
... with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the ... ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Childern's Prayers One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was" acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation," Pray for me! Pray for me !" ~~~~~~ A ... Childern's Prayers One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was" acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation," Pray for me! Pray for me !" ~~~~~~ A ...
... now LIVES !" So you'll hear them exclaim, on their next Christmas night, Happy Christmas to all, WHO WILL KEEP CHRISTMAS RIGHT !!! Addendum-PROPHESY FULFILLED-Isaiah 7: 14"... The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel" Several HUNDRED years later... Matthew 1: 23" The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him ... 'Twas the fight before Christmas when all through the house Not a good deed was stirring, and Dad was a louse! Their mother was angry and loaded with care, 'Cause the gift list was longer than ever this year! The children were nagging for gifts worth a ton, And Dad was convinced," Christmas just isn't fun !" With Mom's loud complaining, and Dad mad at all, They loaded the car for the trip to the mall! They stopped first at ...
... when is the government going to go after Big Bread? Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; ... women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread. Bread is made from a substance called" dough" It has been proven that as little as one pound of" dough" can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month! Primitive tribal societies that have no bread, exhibit a low ...
... will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, I promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your ... . Help that one first and then work your way down. In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now. Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your hips. To ...
... lives from your house. A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment. The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home. A child will always eat exactly what he or she has loved for the past year-unless it is the only food in the fridge. The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a ... Laws of Parenting Sir Isaac Newton may have discovered the laws of gravity, but here's a parallel set of laws that govern moms and dads. A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance he or she is away from the parent. Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time. The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives ...
37. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- True Grit. [Humor]
... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! True Grit When one is on horseback, he knows all things George Herbert I grew up on John Wayne movies. I was fascinated as a child by the westerns, where Wayne rode tall in the saddle, a rugged symbol of America itself. I wanted to be like the girl in True Grit, riding at breakneck speed alongside the hero, impressing him with my equine expertise. The only problem ... I raced across the plains. In reality, as I found out recently, my fantasy fell flat when confronted with actual horse flesh. I had an opportunity, with my family, to go on a two-hour trail ride. My children were excited, and they managed to convince my mother to come along. Although my mom grew up on a farm, she hadn t been on a horse in more than 40 years. It s amazing what people will do ...
... moments, I considered buying one of these outfits, actually mulled over the suggestion on the package of one costume that I channel my inner vixen. But my vixen vanished when I saw the looks of horror on the faces of my children. Mom in a minidress was an idea more monstrously frightening than they could fathom. So, still in need of a disguise, I pondered my predicament. My Halloween attire would have to be homemade, something funny and familiar, or ... Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! The Scariest Costume I promised my kids, after much begging on their part, that I d dress up for Halloween this year. Maybe, I thought, I d continue my longtime childhood role of witch one of those wonderfully hideous hags with a pointy black hat and hooked plastic nose complete with wart. Or maybe I d reprise my polyester princess phase, with a few adult modifications. But when I went costume ...
39. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Turbulence! [Humor]
... before. He was about 8 years old and dressed in patriotic garb. He carried a small American flag and wore a plastic derby hat festooned with stars and stripes. Before we even boarded the flight, everyone was aware of this child because he was loud and boisterous, pointing excitedly at the airplanes, waving his flag and shouting every sentence. I was tired that day and feeling about as cranky as the king, so I was royally perturbed when this young firecracker sat ... their seats. His tired-looking mother tried to shush him, but a few minutes later, he did it again. Turbulence ! I turned around and gave him my most severe maternal look, which he ignored just like my own children do. After several more outbursts, the flight attendant came by and admonished him. He grinned appealingly at her and nodded as if he would comply, but as she walked away, he made his own little declaration of independence. ...
... strange, slouching creature with a pencil-thin mustache and adolescent angst oozing from every pore. This extraterrestrial I once called flesh and blood, whose mood swings dwarf the Grand Canyon, seems intent on bungee jumping from that rickety bridge connecting a child with adulthood. And I think he plans on dragging his rapidly aging mother along for the ride. A drastic language change was the first indication of alien infestation in my once-cherished offspring. The rosy-cheeked cherub who used to run to me, ... on to those severed apron strings. I may need them to strangle him.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her ...
... pristine"" Escalators would help on steep uphill areas of the hiking trails"" More families would enjoy the parks and city children could learn more about nature if the Parks Department would provide services that include arcades, water slides and child care"" A big hotel with a golf course and even a convention center would attract more people to this natural beauty"" Instead of a permit system or fees, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the ... by the National Forest Service from visitors to our nation's parks." Need more signs to keep the park pristine"" Escalators would help on steep uphill areas of the hiking trails"" More families would enjoy the parks and city children could learn more about nature if the Parks Department would provide services that include arcades, water slides and child care"" A big hotel with a golf course and even a convention center would attract more people to this natural beauty"" ...
... encouraged me in college, and prayed for me my entire life. When Mother's illness was diagnosed, my sister had a new baby and my brother had recently married his childhood sweetheart, so it fell on me, the 27-year-old middle child without entanglements, to take care of her. I counted it an honor." What now, Lord ?" I asked sitting in church. My life stretched out before me as an empty abyss. My brother sat stoically with his face ... to my first heartbreak, comforted me at my father's death, encouraged me in college, and prayed for me my entire life. When Mother's illness was diagnosed, my sister had a new baby and my brother had recently married his childhood sweetheart, so it fell on me, the 27-year-old middle child without entanglements, to take care of her. I counted it an honor." What now, Lord ?" I asked sitting in church. My life stretched out before me ...
... join. In a few short months, I inadvertently managed to sock it to my local unit. I don't think the PTA ladies have yet recovered. It started with the best of intentions. I dutifully joined PTA when my oldest child started school. At open house, a group of relentlessly energetic moms surrounded me, thrusting a sheaf of volunteer sign-up sheets my way, and I obediently scribbled my name on sheet after sheet. Soon after, I opened my door to ... Not a PTA Mom Sometimes, I cast my memory back to that childless period that my husband calls BK (Before Kids). Back when, for all we knew, the acronym PTA stood for Pizza Takeout Activities. We were young and ignorant then. But in the fullness of time, we became fruitful and multiplied, and lo, we brought forth fruits who had the temerity to exhibit a need for education. And so, we sent them to school. ...
... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Backpack Black Hole Indiana Jones has nothing on me. The intrepid explorer may have had to face a pit of snakes and various other vermin, but that s child s play compared to the task that awaits me at the end of every school year. I ve got to clean out my son s backpack, and I need a lot more than a whip and a fedora to do it. ... block out the evidence of its steady deterioration. As the English poet Thomas Gray-who no doubt had a teenage son said, ignorance is bliss. But then the school district decided to temporarily abandon its attempts to educate my children, and it deposited them back with me, along with all their educational paraphernalia. The backpacks were flung joyously into a corner and instantly forgotten. There they sat for several days. My daughter s book bag still appeared to be ...
... minivan mentality out of the mom. For the first time in 15 years, I m not driving a family truckster. We finally traded it in for a mid-sized SUV, and I immediately felt hipper. When I told my children that, they assumed, for some reason, I d said hippier and suggested I cut back on the carbs. After I explained that my liberation from the mom-mobile had transformed me into a more groovy parent a cool ... up year after year in the sun, and all mingling with the nauseating odor of dog vomit that we never could completely eliminate. Even when everything was cleaned out, the van still retained its distinct aroma the congealed essence of childhood. And I thoughtlessly gave it away. Somewhere, someone else is hurtling down the highway right now with a minivan full of my memories. (They've probably got the windows open) Whoever you are, I want those memories-and ...
... up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize ... noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable: Have him ...
... be out in public unsupervised"" In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite"" Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have ... , please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments"" As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses" And from the pilot during his welcome message:" Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight !" Heard on Southwest Airlines just after ...
... the flashing lights and loud music and all that, but I knew he wouldn't understand." Well, OK ," I said." One try" After all, I told myself, I was a good mother and wanted my child to be happy. Besides, what were the chances of a person who had just learned how to aim into the toilet accurately, hitting a target the size of a quarter with a water pistol? Imagine my surprise, then, when ... Carnival Prize Winning In the eight years I've been raising children, I've learned a lot about life. One thing I've learned is that no one, no one, ever feels the same way about a prize they won from a carnival game once they get it home. Let's face it, no matter how much of a good idea it seemed at the time, a nine foot stuffed gorilla doesn't have the same ambiance in, say, your living room as it did ...
... Child's Cowboy Boots The Cowboy Boots: (Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this) Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help, and she quickly found out why he needed it. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat ... Child's Cowboy Boots The Cowboy Boots: (Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this) Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help, and she quickly found out why he needed it. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat ...
... More Things I Learned From My Children There is no such thing as childproofing your house. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. A 3 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread ... on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. Baseballs make marks on ceilings. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. When you hear the toilet ...
... ... May thy ball lie in green pastures~and not in still waters.~Author Unknown The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.~Billy Graham Golf appeals to the idiot and the child in us. Just how childlike golfers become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.~John Updike It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.~Robert Lynd If ... had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.~Horace G. Hutchinson They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.~Gardner Dickinson If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.~Sam Snead Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.~William ...
... simple creatures who can t faithfully follow a grocery list, this is a nightmare. These befuddled beings are caught, like the typically baffled Homer Simpson, between a rock and a hard place. And if, like my oldest child, they are newbies in the land of love and utterly unfamiliar with the world of women, they would often probably like to dive under that rock and pull the hard place down like a fortress around them. My son, the one ... Better save your money, kiddo , I said. Christmas is right around the corner ~Jackie Papandrew 2008~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her ...
... costs as much as your house payment. You can't remember.... is pot illegal? It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station:" STORM WATCH" You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. HEY !!!! Is pot illegal ???? Both you AND your dog have therapists. The ... : Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible. You make over $300, 000 and still can't afford a house. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower. You can't remember.... is pot illegal? You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. You have a ...
... mothers of sons capable of separating me from my baby, it was too late. He was smitten. I used to think girls were far more affected by these things than boys. I was wrong. My son, the child who normally can t shut his mouth, is absolutely tongue-tied in the presence of this girl. His eyes have a tender, deer-in-the-headlights look when she s around, and his face wears a moony expression that is absolute agony for ... . Yuck, they are just so vomitocious , says my word-wise daughter. My thoughts exactly.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her ...
... in the wall. Or maybe I ll grab some of my rowdy friends and go shopping.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her ... once again deeply embedded in the season of beering and cheering, of touchdowns and testosterone. And I m realizing how much the power of pigskin has shaped my life. It started, as most psychologically traumatizing things do, in childhood. My father was gripped by a grave case of gridiron giddiness, and most of his mania was focused on the University of Oklahoma Sooners. Game days were serious business around our house. By the time my dad s friends arrived ...
... unwashed one. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed. Garage clutter expands. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will, if you move, fill a two-car garage. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote-controls divided by the number of viewers. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outside temperature. The capacity of any ... Murphy's Household Laws A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to his / her ability to actually do the work involved. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one. A newly washed window gathers dirt at twice the speed of an unwashed one. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed. Garage clutter expands. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will, if you move, fill ...
... & Spencer Bread Pudding-" Product will be hot after heating" (.and you thought ????) On packaging for a Rowenta iron-" Do not iron clothes on body" (but wouldn't this save me time ?) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine-" Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication" (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers) On ... ) On Sainsbury's peanuts-" Warning: contains nuts" (talk about a news flash) On an American Airlines packet of nuts-" Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts" (Step 3: say what ?) On a child's Superman costume-" Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly" (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one) On a Swedish chainsaw-" Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands ...
... down to the ear-pickling beat. Occasionally, these leaders of the future would engage in mass collisions, putting their fine clothing in peril by slamming into each other with obvious delight. Nowhere did I see any actual dancing. My own child, when he finally stopped eating and got up the courage to get on the dance floor, appeared to literally have ants in his pants, flailing his arms and thrusting out his legs in an alarming manner that I can guarantee he never ... , maybe almost everything. Ms. Angelou may not have ever been to a middle school dance.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her ...
... her stereo is blaring, sure signs that she's not home. It is now two minutes after ten o'clock, and normally I'd call 911 but those people got surly with me last time because I phoned it in as a" possible child abduction" due to the fact that my daughter's date wore an earring. I glance out the window and freeze: The boy's car is in the driveway. Well okay. I flick on the outside lights, helpfully flipping them on and ... The Curse of Curfew My eyelids snap open at exactly twenty-two hundred hours, responding to an inner alarm that sounds whenever a daughter is out on a school night. Curfew has darkened the land, and any children caught outside the perimeter are now subject to arrest and the torture of telephone deprivation. I pad down the stairs to my daughter's bedroom. Every light is on and her stereo is blaring, sure signs that she's not home. It is now two minutes after ...
... Gun-When in port, and with the crew restricted to the ship for any extended period of time, wives and ladies of easy virtue often were allowed to live aboard along with the crew. Infrequently, but not uncommonly, children were born aboard, and a convenient place for this was between guns on the gun deck. If the child's father was unknown, they were entered in the ship's log as" son of a gun". A Square Meal-In ... weather, crews ' mess was a warm meal served on square wooden platters. The Devil to Pay-To pay the deck seams meant to seal them with tar. The devil seam was the most difficult to pay because it was curved and intersected with the straight deck planking. Some sources define the" devil" as the below-the-waterline-seam between the keel and the adjoining planking. Paying the Devil was considered to be a most difficult and unpleasant task. Between the Devil and the ...
... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Old Lame Signs You know how, when you re a child, and you don t correctly hear the lyrics to a song or the words to some hackneyed clichι that adults are always throwing around? Like the phrase my parents often spouted at me when, in a noble effort to be helpful, I d point out to them the moral failings and personal hygiene challenges of my younger brother. ... ahead. Try not to make too much noise at midnight. I ll already be asleep.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her ...
... for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1? ' After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old ... with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT? ' A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods ' The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner ...
... to pay another visit to that vixenish virtual me. Maybe I ll feed her some Haagen-Dazs.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her ... billboard. I envy that kind of confidence. Almost every woman, on the other hand, believes she surely resembles a Teletubby in her swimsuit. We can only be persuaded to try on new ones each summer because as with childbirth we forget the agony endured during the experience. This seasonal amnesia allows us to set out once again on a search for the sublime suit, the one that will leave us looking like a supermodel. When I was younger, I ...
... the M-LAW competition for wackiest warning label of the year: 1st prize Do not use for personal hygiene-on a toilet brush. 2nd prize This product moves when used-from a child's scooter. Previous winners have included: Remove child before folding-on a baby's buggy. Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally-on a digital thermometer. Never remove food or other items from the blades while the product is operating-on an electric hand blender ... Warning Labels Here are the winnners of the M-LAW competition for wackiest warning label of the year: 1st prize Do not use for personal hygiene-on a toilet brush. 2nd prize This product moves when used-from a child's scooter. Previous winners have included: Remove child before folding-on a baby's buggy. Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally-on a digital thermometer. Never remove food or other items from the blades while the product ...
... yours was excellent! The chair and back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him. Little Nikki turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Nikki, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out. I discovered that the household chores ... sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so you'll be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what's been going on since your computer entered our lives two years ago. The children are doing well. Kevin is 7 now and is a bright, Handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good but yours was excellent ...
... as your house payment. You can't remember. is pot illegal? It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station:" STORM WATCH" (I love this one !!) You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. HEY !!!! Is pot illegal ???? Both you AND your dog have therapists, ... : Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible. You make over $300, 000 and still can't afford a house. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower. You can't remember. Is pot illegal? You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. You have a very strong opinion about ...
67. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Cat Person. [Humor]
... Christmas tree with dangling cat toys. .your neighbors refer to you as" the crazy one with all the cats" .you have more pictures of your cats than your kids in your wallet. .you refer to your cat as your furry child. .your parents wind up with a four-footed, furry" grandchild" .you plan your vacation around the cat show schedule. .you accidentally call your spouse by your cat's name! .you set a place at the dinner table for your cat. ... dark. .you snap your fingers and pat the sofa beside you to invite your guests to sit down. .you sleep on one edge of the bed because the cat is sleeping in the middle looking soooo cute! .you accidentally put your child's dinner plate on the floor. .you spend more money on toys for your cats than on the kids or grandkids .you decorate your Christmas tree with dangling cat toys. .your neighbors refer to you as" the crazy one with all the cats ...
... became an adult I discovered that the meaning of Thanksgiving sure isn't what it used to be. When I was younger, I remember receiving the inevitable homework assignment to write an essay on" Something I Am Thankful For". Then, I'd spend a lot of time sitting in my room trying to figure out just what in the world that could possibly be, and I'd end up writing down everything I could think of from God to environmental consciousness. But after having children, my priorities have clearly changed. Before children: I was thankful to have been born in the United States of America-the most powerful, free, democracy in the world.-After children: I am thankful for Velcro tennis shoes. As well as saving valuable time, now I can hear the sound of my son taking off his shoes which gives me three extra seconds to activate the safety locks on the back-seat windows right before he hurls them out of the ...
... A Mother's Brownie Recipe Remove teddy bear from oven and tell your child," No, No" Preheat oven to 375. Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Add margarine to 2 cups of sugar. Take shortening can away from child and clean cupboards. Measure 1 / 3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away from child again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail. Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1 / 2 cups sifted flour. Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and open windows for ventilation. Take telephone away from child and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill. Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1 / 2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well. Let cat out of refrigerator. Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan. Bake 25 minutes. Rescue ...
... And To All A Good Night The night before Christmas (I 'twy to refrain from 'twriting the word "'twas ") has a slightly different connotation for me now that my children are teenagers; instead of" Let's Open at Least One Present !" it's become" Let's Violate Curfew !" But I remember how it was when I had three children under the age of ten. There's always considerable argument over what the words" family tradition" mean on Christmas Eve. In my opinion, the" family tradition" is defined as" What Dad Remembers" I remember baking cookies for Santa, listening to Christmas music, and tucking the children into bed before eight o'clock. Their mother remembers that they haven't gone to sleep that early since they stopped nursing. My children remember that Dad is always tying ropes to the tree, which despite my efforts adopts a" Leaning Tower of Christmas" look by about three in the afternoon. They remember that they want ...
... are quivering with fear and indignation, Ebony will stroll back to the house with obvious satisfaction. If, however, her intended prey actually growls in return, my all-bark-and-no-bite hound will collapse in submission like a cowardly house of cards. All of the small-dog owners hate her. One of Ebony s fiercest foes is a woman I affectionately call The Dragon Lady. This is the neighbor who will point out that your lawn needs mowing, your porch needs sweeping and your children need spanking. And she frequently suggests that Ebony, who takes special delight in worrying The Dragon Lady s wiener dog, needs intense treatment that would permanently take her to another city far, far away. When my cranky neighbor walks her equally cranky dog daily in front of my house, she encases the creature in a blue harness that makes it just look like a walking sausage. The other day, The Dragon Lady and her sausage went by at the exact time ...
... Raising Boys The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas... a) For those with no children-this is totally hysterical! b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny. d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding ): A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2, 000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to ...
73. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Its 3 AM. [Humor]
... were running dueling commercials about who is better suited to be President when the phone rings at that ungodly hour with news of a terror attack or possibly an earth-shaking Brangelina update. And you should be relieved as well. Because no matter who you think would make a better president, it is good to know the leader of the free world will apparently be answering an old-fashioned, corded telephone. Both candidates commercials featured the same ominously ringing phone, the same innocently sleeping children, even the same introduction: It s 3 AM, and your children are safe and asleep Being a mom, my first thought upon watching those red-phone ads was Why doesn t someone answer that dad gum thing before it wakes up the kids ? But after that, I noticed something in Senator Clinton s commercial. Actually, I noticed a couple of things. First, when we see her reassuringly answering that crisis call, she looks really ...
... Answering Machine at School This was voted unanimously by the office staff as the best answering machine message for the school. Hello! You have reached the automated answering service for the school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all of the options before making a selection: To lie about why your child is absent-Press 1 To make excuses for why your child did not do his / her homework-Press 2 To complain about what we do, how we do it-Press 3 To chew out staff members-Press 4 To ask why you didn't get information that was enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you-Press 5 If you want us to raise your child-Press 6 If you want to reach out and touch, slap, or hit someone-Press 7 To request another teacher for the third time this year-Press 8 To complain about the bus transportation ...
... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Cleaning By Closet There s a Nightmare in My Closet. That s the title of a beloved children s book. It s also a reality in my bedroom. My closet has become like a Roach Motel people go in, but they don t necessarily come back out. I knew I had a problem when I couldn t get out of my closet once I d managed to fight my way in. It was kind of like that trash compactor scene in the first Star Wars movie where the heroes are about to be flattened by the moving walls. The stacks of stuff in my walk-in wardrobe holder seemed to be closing in on me. In order to get into my closet, I had raised my leg as high as a woman in my mediocre state of fitness can raise a leg, and I d hoisted it over the pile of ...
... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Tis A Few Weeks Til Christmas Tis a few weeks 'til Christmas and all through my house Not a gift has been bought, and I m feeling like a louse. The dog chewed up the stockings I left in her reach without care And I m hoping St. Nicholas will soon take her with him in the air. My consumers, er, children, nestle each night snug in their beds With craniums full of toy commercials that cause visions of dollar bills to dance in mass marketers heads. And me in my stained sweatpants, with my hair in a cap I m too seasonally stressed for even a short winter s nap. When out near my lawn the other night, there arose such a clatter I tripped over some of last year s toys trying to see what was the matter. Down hard on the floor, I fell ...
... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Resistance is Futile When my children were younger, our family went through a time of serious trekkiness. Each night, we d curl up together on the couch and watch a rerun of Star Trek: The Next Generation. That s the Star Trek show in which the elegant Captain Picard would, in his rich, Shakespearean baritone, command his crew to Make it so No matter how daunting the task, Picard s space-alien-butt-kicking crew would comply, and the galaxy would be safe for another day. When the show was over, I d send my own crew out with the more humble mission of getting ready for bed with the same command, delivered in a phony English accent. Make it so , I d say as I sent them to their rooms. One of our favorite series of Star Trek episodes involved the Borg, a race of aggressive ...
... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! The Most Wonderful Time of the Year My all-time favorite commercial is the one where a father with an ear-to-ear grin is pushing a shopping cart through a Staples store, gleefully tossing in school supplies as his dejected children follow glumly behind and The Most Wonderful Time of the Year plays in the background. They re going back ! the announcer tells us. Sweeter words were never spoken. Last May, in the calm quiet of my house before my kids got home from school, I made a stupid decision. I decided that my little darlings needed a slacker summer. You know the kind of summer I mean the kind that we had. An unstructured summer spent running through sprinklers, lying in tall grass deflowering dandelions, watching the Road Runner never fail to foil Wile E. Coyote. I envisioned euphoric days where my children, their imaginations fired by boundless freedom, ...
... Church Bulletin Bloopers Ushers will eat latecomers. For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. Today the pastor will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing," Break Forth into Joy !" The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning. Miss Charlene Mason sang," I Will Not Pass This Way Again ," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around ...
... there ," said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after creating the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break, and He was very angry." Didn't I tell you NOT to eat that fruit ?" God, the" First Parent" asked?" Uh huh ," Adam replied." Then why DID you do it ?" God asked exasperatedly." I dunno ," Adam answered. God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give your children wisdom and they ignore it, don't be to hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling His children, what makes you think you can do better than Him? [Author unknown] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... , and a hockey game broke out"-Rodney Dangerfield Every once in a while, in a blinding moment of clarity that fortunately doesn t last long, I realize my family thinks I m utterly insane. Such a moment occurred just the other day when we gathered to watch a group of males armed with sticks fight over a slippery, seemingly trivial object. On most days, I could simply stay home and watch something similar take place among my own children. But for some reason, we paid top dollar to experience the same kind of violence and mayhem in a large and very loud arena. We attended a hockey game. Call me a dork my kids do but I m just not interested in watching sports unless my children are participating. My family, perhaps thinking they could redeem me, insisted I come along to the game and so I did, bringing a book with me to ward off certain boredom ...
... Signs of a Frustrated Mother Your children know how to read HTML code but can't operate a vacuum cleaner. Your children tell you that you said" yes" and you don't even remember the question. You go to the grocery store and find yourself having a good time. Your husband asks how your day went and you rate it on a scale of 1-10 repeats of" stop that !" or" no !" You can't remember the last time you didn't have to share your drink. You mistakenly tell the kids it's" sanity" time when you meant to say" bed" time. The laundry seems to have taken on an evil nature and you begin to feel that it's out to get you. You dread hearing the phone ring because it's a sure sign there's about to be trouble amongst the children. It's finally your turn on the computer and" Touched by an Angel" is just coming on. You go to sleep with" ...
83. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Trash Day. [Humor]
... Trash Day Every Wednesday morning for the past nine years, my wife has interrupted the usual flow of chaos by shrieking," oh my gosh, it's trash day !" The children, all three of whom are in various stages of school preparation, react to this statement as if she has just spoken Romanian, stopping and staring at her in numb incomprehension." Hurry !" my wife urges them. Being obedient children, they immediately proceed to hurry. However, with no specific instructions beyond that, they don't seem to be hurrying to do anything in particular -certainly, trash collection is in no way involved. They bump into each other in the hallway a lot, shouting at each other to" get out of the way !"" Gather up all the garbage !" my wife and I command. The kids respond by forming a committee to debate the fairness of this directive. After a brief discussion, they reach the consensus that everyone should ...
84. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- The F Word. [Humor]
... , clicking my heels and wriggling all over with delight the way my dog did the day she scored five hot dogs from the plates of five careless kids at a picnic) With some semblance of sanity sure to return to our weekends, I am once again trying to enforce in my house a no-screens rule for Sunday afternoons: no TV, no computer, no video games, no hand-held whatchamacallits of any kind. It is Family Time, I announce grandly to my children on our first football-free Sunday. I say the word in a honeyed, reverent tone to convey its importance: Family with a capital F; Family as the bedrock of society. It is a time for us to bond with one another, to cast aside the technological gadgetry that tends to separate us and look deeply into each other s eyes. The ingrates I brought into this world respond with great groaning and lamentation. There s even some weeping and considerable gnashing ...
... Church Football. Quarterback Sneak-Church members quietly leaving during the invitation. Draw Play-What many children do with the bulletin during worship. Halftime-The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave Benchwarmer-Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit. Backfield-in-Motion-Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service. Staying in the Pocket-What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work. Two-minute Warning-The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings. Instant Replay-The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations. Sudden Death-What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes" overtime". Trap-You're called on to pray and are asleep. End Run-Getting out of church quick, ...
86. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- It's Over. [Humor]
... out that not a single hair was sticking out of my nose. But I stopped laughing recently, just after I celebrated yet another birthday on the wrong side of 40. That's because I found myself in a long and serious conversation with my dad about the attributes of various high-fiber breakfast cereals. A deep and abiding interest in fiber is a sure sign of impending geezerdom, and I didn t even notice it until I saw the looks on the faces of my children. Every teenager should have to sit through a discussion of the digestive delights of eating a cardboard breakfast. It will give him or her a greater appreciation for the fleeting Cap n Crunch phase of life. I might have forgotten about our fiber forum if I hadn t gotten freaked out a couple of days later when it appeared I needed to add adult diapers to my shopping list. See, I was driving a friend s car, which is equipped with ...
... CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy. Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue ?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with ...
... made room for an entire leg of lamb on Easter when I left the room for half an hour, to the production center which plops dog stools all over the back yard -I don't want her gastrointestinal tract cured, I want it REMOVED. Don't get me wrong, I am genuinely fond of my dog, the only creature in the house who treats me with something other than contempt. Me:" No one is going anywhere until the garage is cleaned up !" Children:" We hate you !" Dog: Wag wag wag. The dog's current affliction made itself known to me one night with the sound of a balloon being released. I opened my eyes, half expecting to see my dog flying around the room in circles until totally deflated. Instead, I was treated to the olfactory equivalent of a hydrogen bomb -it was as if our bedroom had become the staging area for Saddam Hussein's biological warfare program." Oh my God! Get ...
... exactly the way I expected to celebrate my daughter s 14th birthday. Oh, I knew she d probably want to have a slumber party. And I knew I could survive it. I m a veteran of those wrongly named events where very little actual slumber occurs. Who invented slumber parties anyway? It s difficult enough to get your own kids to go to bed. Whoever thought it was a good idea to bring in other people s children and attempt to persuade them to go to sleep at a reasonable hour? I d like to have a word with that person. But I went along with what my daughter wanted it was, after all, her birthday. At first, the slumber party ran its expected course. There were numerous rounds of nail painting, makeup application and hair braiding, all accompanied by intense discussions of the attributes and faults of various boys the girls knew, and sigh-filled talk ...
... having the pleasure of watching hefty, well-paid men run around chasing a piece of pigskin. And the NFL realizes a handsome profit in the bargain. It's a win-win situation all around. Despite the fact I wouldn't know a touchdown from a hoedown, I wanted to be part of this patriotic process. So I begged my family to let me come along. Because I brought a book to the last professional sporting event I attended (a hockey game) and embarrassed my children, I was forced to undergo an airport-style security screening before we left home. The paperback I'd hidden under my shirt was confiscated, and so I arrived at the game betting on being bored. But surprisingly, there was plenty to capture my attention. The first thing I noticed was that many fans were sporting large yellow pieces of synthetic cheese on their heads. I had an up-close encounter with one of these chunks of cheese when its bearer bent over to pick up something ...
... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Talk to the Hand One of the most gratifying things about being a grandparent has got to be those moments when life comes full circle-when your grown children, those who gave you so much grief as teenagers find themselves raising teens of their own. My parents have had several of these satisfying occasions, especially since my daughter crossed that turbulent threshold into adolescence. Being old and obviously with failing memories, they are under the inaccurate impression that I was sometimes rather difficult to deal with when I was 13, and they seem to feel that I m getting my just desserts. I have no memory of being anything other than delightful as a teenybopper. But I do remember vowing that I would never, ever repeat the fatigued phrases my mother seemed so fond of using when I was growing up. A few years ago, a friend gave me a humorous plaque that read: ...
... three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents. MAYBE: No. NAIL POLISH: part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look" like a tramp" OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad. PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops. QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college. REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen. SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma. TOWELS: See" FLOOR COVERINGS". UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident. VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too. WALLS ...
... can deliver a baby in One month. DEVELOPER is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby. ONSITE COORDINATOR is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month. CLIENT is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby. MARKETING MANAGER is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available. RESOURCE OPTIMIZATION TEAM thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources. DOCUMENTATION TEAM thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months. QUALITY AUDITOR is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby. TESTER is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby. HUMAN RESOURCES is one or more people who think that a donkey can deliver a 'human baby ' if given 9 months. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com) ...
... Mother's Day Special The following answers were given by young children to these questions: Why did God make mothers? Think about it, it was the best way to get more people. How did God make mothers? He made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom? God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me. What kind of little girl was your Mom? My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff. How did your Mom meet your dad? Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting. What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him? His last name. Why did your Mom marry your dad? She got too old to do anything else with him. What's the difference between moms and grandmas? About 30 years. Describe the ...
95. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Boot Camp. [Humor]
... try again. Cath and her increasingly annoying e looked skeptical, but seemed willing to give me another chance. After the warm-up, they explained that we d be doing eight cycles of training designed to strengthen my heart and tone problem areas. My numerous problem areas protested, but I pressed on, making it through an awe-inspiring two cycles before succumbing to exhaustion. I gave myself a good week or two to recover before making another attempt. By now, my children had sensed an opportunity for amusement and gathered around like vultures to watch, cruelly eating Cheetos and Oreos in my presence and placing bets with each other on how long I could last. Cath and her drill-instructor e were openly dubious, but I assured them that my problem areas and I were now united in the cause. Unfortunately, those faithless flabby regions turned traitor during the first cycle, refusing to soldier on. I barely survived Cycle Two before my arms and legs went ...
... (not reindeer) he drove with such skill." Come on there Buck, Poncho, & Prince, to the right, There'll be plenty of travelin ' for you all tonight" The driver in Levi's and a shirt that was red, Had a ten-gallon Stetson on top of his head. As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight, With his beard and moustache, so curly and white. As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke, And were so astonished, that neither one spoke. And he filled up their boots with such presents galore, That neither could think of a single thing more. When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws, He asked in a whisper," are you really Santa Claus ?"" Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think ?" And he smiled as he gave a mysterious wink. Then he leaped in his buckboard, and called back in ...
... Buzzwords Of 2003 BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. SITCOMS: (Single Income, Two Children, Opressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. SWIPED OUT: an ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media ...
... good in it. So with this assumption firmly in mind and having not worn an LBD for quite a while, I went shopping recently for a new little black dress to wear to this year s holiday parties. I had my teenage daughter and my mother in tow. And I stumbled upon a shocking scandal, one that should have every woman in the country up in arms. Someone is sabotaging the LBD. Someone, probably the same folks adding lead to children s toys, is removing fabric from the fundamental fashion frock and skewing the sizes. These pernicious people have a lot to answer for. I tried on dress after dress in what I thought would be a quick quest for a trendy, yet timeless LBD. I started, naturally, with the size that I know fits me, the size that has fit me for years. But for some reason, the dresses in my size failed to flatter my figure. In ...
... Dog Therapy If you want to teach your children about accountability and hard work, allow them to adopt a puppy. The feeding and care and training of a dog takes enormous effort, and your children will gain a special understanding of what is meant by the word" responsibility" as they watch you do it. When my older daughter told me she wanted a puppy, I explained to her no she didn't. I told her how difficult it is to take care of dogs, and she listened very carefully so she could be sure to ignore everything I was saying. She responded that since she was an independent adult, living in her own apartment, attending college and working full time, she had a right to make her own decisions and she had already adopted a dog and the only thing she needed from me was to watch it when she was at work. Or class. Or on a date. Or had plans for the ...
100. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Garden Wars. [Humor]
... these vegetables ?" I've got zucchini growing thick as Popeye's forearms out there, bloating past prime because after the zucchini tacos and the zucchini flamb*and the zucchini pancakes and the zucchini fondue, no one can even look at another one of the darn things without experiencing squash-induced food disorder. Tomato plants sag like bellhops carrying Ivana Trump's luggage to her room. Wicked peppers drip toward the ground, and potatoes tunnel all over the yard like prairie dogs. I'm overrun. My children react to their vegetable-enriched meals by making projectile gagging sounds and attempting to foist spoonfuls of zucchini casserole on the dog, who for the first time in her canine life has stopped begging at the table." I'm a carnivore ," my son declares." I'm not eating anything but meat"" Meat! Meat !" my children chant. My neighbor Fred deserves some of the blame -it was he who showed up at my door with a wheelbarrow full of horse manure last spring ...
101. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Email Ennui. [Humor]
... laughs. It s not a place you want to be. I am now actually afraid to open those messages from my mother, as I expect when I do that a virtual hand bearing a striking resemblance to the one that used to swat my backside will spring out of my computer screen and grab hold of my ear. Electronic communication is a wonder, and I have become dependent on it. I ve actually sat in my living room and text-messaged my children, who were in their bedrooms with the doors closed. This allowed me to avoid the exhausting (and usually unsuccessful) prospect of having to yell across the house, hoping to get their attention, or the even more debilitating process of actually getting off the couch and walking (how old-school that is !) several feet to their rooms. Why should I interrupt a perfectly good session of playing couch potato when I can make use of modern technology? If text-messaging doesn t ...
102. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Free Cat. [Humor]
... one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her," Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much ?" She replied," You won't believe this ," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the mom finally told her little girl," Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it" (You can see where this is going) She told the pastor," I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying ...
... give them crisp, comforting contours, and I place them lovingly on their assigned shelves. And how do these ungrateful bolts of blotting material repay my hard work? By running rampant in my linen closet. If I open the closet door, I ll find towels in a tumultuous state, hanging like hoodlums off the shelf or brazenly bunched up in the corner. Towels that earlier were well-behaved are suddenly mingling with sheets and pillowcases on unauthorized shelves. As neither my children nor my husband avows any knowledge of how they got there, I have to assume the terrible towels are in total revolt. There s also the matter of moisture. Our towels have a strange mania for mildew. They will leap off the hooks on which they have been faithfully hung after being used to dry off a humid (and hopefully clean) human. Then they will insist on lying unmoved for hours, amassing smelly spores and funky fungi. Sometimes, they ...
... into today and our chance meeting would be gone. Yesterday I hugged someone very dear to me. Today they are gone. and tomorrow will not bring them back. Wouldn't it be nice if we all knew tomorrow would be here? But this is not to be, so take the time TODAY to give a hug, a smile, an" I love you". JUST FOR TODAY, .smile at a stranger .listen to someone's heart .drop a coin where a child can find it .learn something new, then teach it to someone .tell someone you're thinking of them .hug a loved one .don't hold a grudge .don't be afraid to say" I'm sorry" .look at a child, and tell them how great they are .don't kill that spider in your house, he's just lost so show him the way out .look beyond the face of a person into their heart .make a promise, and keep it .call someone, for no reason, to just ...
... dark, circular breakfast item deceptively named Black Pudding. This was served with what is apparently used to flavor all food in England the ubiquitous Brown Sauce. Turns out, Black Pudding is a sausage made by cooking pig s blood with a filler until it is thick enough to congeal when cooled. No wonder these poor people tried to colonize the world in earlier times. They were simply seeking more tasty cuisine. The Pig s Blood Affair, as my children took to calling it, almost spoiled our appetite for exploring the Sceptre'd Isle. But I assured my crew that, in spite of a few foibles, the English are a lovely and lively bunch. And so we set out to savor the civilization that produced both Shakespeare and the Spice Girls. We went to palaces and castles, museums and galleries. We gazed upon statues, paintings and sculpture far older than our own country. We heard exciting tales of monarchy and mayhem ...
106. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Elevator Rules. [Humor]
... their floor for them. While waiting on an elevator, there will always be one person to comment on how slow the elevator is and then push the up or down button over and over as if that will make it speed up. Once inside the elevator that same person will repeatedly punch the button for their floor thinking that this also will speed up the elevator. On top of the list of the most annoying elevator pet peeves is the parent who will allow their child to push the buttons and then smile at you after the kid has pushed all 26 buttons while you are on the first floor needing to get to the 25th floor. Then at every floor the kid will yell" Is this where we get off ?" The floor that is labeled the 1st floor is not really the 1st floor but is in reality the basement. The 1st floor is actually labeled the 2nd floor. If you are not in any hurry, there will always ...
... man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. [Author Unknown-Randy, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... bus, the middle the road, and the back of the church. Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your door for years. Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong. The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience:" And in conclusion" If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has. Not only are the sins of the fathers visited upon the children, but nowadays the sins of the children are visited upon the fathers. God Himself does not propose to judge a man till he is dead. So why should you? To make a long story short, don't tell it. If your left hand doesn't know what your right one is doing, you should consider running for a job in Washington. Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set. Peace starts with a smile. I don't know why ...
... taxes, and they only work nine or ten months a year! It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they really do, baby-sit! We can get that for less than minimum wage. That's right. I would pay them $3 an hour and only the hours they worked, not any of that silly planning time. That would be $15 a day. Each parent should pay $15 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children. Now, how many do they teach in a day... maybe 25. Then that's 15 x 25 = $375 a day. But remember they only work 180 days a year! I'm not going to pay them for any vacations. Let's see... that's 375 x 180 = $67, 500 (Hold on, my calculator must need batteries !). Oh, yeah, we have those special teachers or the ones with masters degrees? Well ...
110. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- First Day. [Humor]
... First Day A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook instead of a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls. Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg. The pirate replies," Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then a shark came along and bit me leg off !" The little boy then asked," How did you lose your hand ?"" Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them scalawags cuts me hand off. Their doc couldn't find a hand, so they puts this hook on ," answered the pirate. Next, the little girl asked," How did you lose your eye ?"" Well ," says the pirate ...
... , I subliminally communicate the fact that I don t care by totally ignoring her. That s when she moves into the next phase. She begins pushing her empty metal bowl around the kitchen, knowing full well that it makes a lot of racket. I abandon subliminal communication for something more direct. Ebony Joyce Papandrew! Stop it now ! I shout, using her full name-yes, she has a full name-just like I use my children s full names when I am communicating my displeasure with them. The bowl momentarily stays put, and the house is silent. But it s just a clever, psychological ploy. After a few quiet minutes and with dastardly doggie daring, Eb will then hook her paw under her unfilled dish and actually fling it through the air so that it lands with a great clatter on the kitchen tile. This propels me, muttering curses I wouldn t want my mother ...
... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! The Five Phases of a Family Reunion Family reunions are a charming phenomenon, awash in warm feelings and cold sweat. We like to occasionally get together with our kinfolk, those who are at our end of the gene pool. Kinfolk are dangerous individuals who can recite all our embarrassing faults, who know about every youthful transgression, who can provide blackmail material to our children. If we were smart, once we d grown up and escaped, we would never go near these people again. But many of us are drawn to cousinly confabs like moths to dysfunctional family flames. And based on my attendance at several such events, I ve determined there are five phases to the typical family reunion. The first is the meet and greet phase. That s when everyone is on his or her best behavior, all a little hesitant, a little shy. We subtly assess each ...
... Truths From Little Children No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. You can't trust dogs to watch your food. Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. Dogs still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time. School lunches stick to the wall. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. The best place to be when your sad is in Grandma's lap. Moms get mad when you cut your own bangs. Never put chewed gum in your pocket without a wrapper Moms gets even ...
... What Children Say About Heaven Mom, God's so neat, and heaven's supposed to be so great. Could me and Gloria go there Saturday for a sleep-over? Our seven-year-old daughter, Clarisa, was not really excited about going to Sunday school, but her little friend talked her into it. After the first class, at lunch she said," I like my teacher, and she said if I come to Sunday school every Sunday, she'll show me how I can get a free trip to heaven" My three-year-old granddaughter, Morgan, came over one day and looked around the room and asked," Where's Grandpa ?" I answered," He's in heaven" Surprised, she looked at me and said," Still ?" I know what heaven is like, because I was there. God makes people when He thinks of them, and then they wait to be born. Our six-year-old, Rachel, prayed," God, they keep ...
... Tips From Your I.T. Department When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all. Ask us if we got taught how to use a computer in High School. the teachers at High ...
... Place a CD in a stereo and turn up the volume as high as it will go. Repeat this with more stereos in each bedroom of the house. When the decibel level exceeds that of the launch of a space shuttle, open any unbroken windows and see whether your neighbors complain. If they don't, you need either (a) more stereos or (b) different neighbors. You simply cannot fully appreciate the Living-with-Teenagers Experience if your neighbors don't complain about your children. The" But I Had To Rinse My Hair" test: Fully drain your hot-water tank, then try to take a shower because you're late to a meeting. Next, place a kitchen timer in the bathroom with a note saying" ABSOLUTELY NO SHOWERS LONGER THAN FIVE MINUTES ," then ignore the note and drain the hot-water tank exactly as before and pretend you're late for another meeting. Repeat this test until you become accustomed to cold showers in the morning. The" ...
... else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said," bread ," go to question number two (2). Say" silk" five times. Now spell" silk" What do cows drink? Answer: Cows drink water. If you said" milk ," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to amuse yourself by reading something more appropriate, such as Children's World. If you said" water" then proceed to question number three (3). If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is m ade from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from? Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said" green bricks ," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions ...
... another man who spoke only English. It was for the third member of the team that the son wrote out a translation of my request, carefully jotting down the English words above my text, as follows: Greetings to you, friend of the forest: Above the home of my people lies the ghost of the growth of the planet, whose broad arms have enfolded us in the darkness of their frowns during the long periods of light and the playing of the little children of my loins. Now I fear that a great inclination seizes this hair of Douglass, with the making of a horrible momentum that seeks to cleave the sheltering and disrupt the napping of the father of my offspring. I pray you'll sing the ribbons of restraint and petition the linked chewer to formerly see the dried plumbing of those perilous offshoots of trunk, of which my compatriot Fred exposed electrifying laziness, with not a bruising of crown nor canceling of the eyes of the house ...
... need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim," What? And spoil the mood ?" In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand sewn play animals for underprivileged children. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say," I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive" If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that" THIS is where Grandma wanted us to ...
... get the ball"" Aren't you going to play any more ?"" No, I'm going to lie down. I'm having internal bleeding. Are there any more cookies ?" Grumbling, he went off to search for the ball. I gazed up at the sky and made a mental note to complain to the homeowner's association about the presence of a tennis court in our neighborhood. I mean, what kind of thing is that to have in a place where there are children around?-Bruce Cameron-[ by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2003-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... To Prepare For Your Hospital Experience Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man to examine you using his weed applicator. Drink a quart of paint, one-coat coverage, eggshell flat white. Then have your child stuff his slinky down your throat. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House ' sign on your front yard and lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck up your nose. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing your smile and repeating:" mild discomfort" Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a Craftsman (square-head) screwdriver and stab yourself with a knitting needle. Remove all food from the house that is recognizable and actual tastes good. With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat-hangar and onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall, while wearing your bath-robe backwards and ...
... You Know You're Getting Older When. You Know You're Getting Older When. Everything hurts; and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals. You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere. Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D. Your children begin to look middle aged. You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall. Your mind makes contracts that your body can't meet. You look forward to a dull evening. Your favorite part of the newspaper is" 20 years ago today" You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. Your knees buckle and your belt won't. You regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptation. You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 106 around the golf course. Your back ...
... Tooth Fairy Form Letter Dear: Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night. While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason (s) indicated below: () the tooth could not be found () it was not a human tooth () we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny () we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odour () the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash () the tooth did not originally belong to you (x) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy () you were age 12 or older at the time your request was received () the tooth is still in your mouth (x) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit ...
124. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Signs. [Humor]
... want me to do ?" asked the sheriff." I don't care, just do something about these drivers" So the next day the sheriff had the county go out and put up a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING. Three days later, the farmer again called the sheriff and said," That sign didn't help a bit. They are still hitting my chickens" So the next day, the county put up a sign that said: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY. Again, no change. So the farmer called and called, every day for three weeks. Finally, he told the sheriff," Look, your signs are just not working. Mind if I put up one of my own ?" The sheriff told him," Sure thing, let's see if yours works better" He was willing to agree to anything to get him to stop those daily calls. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the ...
125. Inspirational and Christian POEMS -- Didja Know? [Humor]
... Didja Know? You think you know the Bible? well, let's test you then and see~Can you recite one verse from Hezekiah 33? It says that women must not wear such clothes as manly slacks, And furthermore, it seems against the colors: greys and blacks. And men must not adorn themselves with earrings, jewels or chains," No necklaces of any kind ," verse 22 explains. The children must not play with dogs, it calls them filthy beasts! Dogs aren't allowed at festivals or any kind of feasts. All babies under three weeks old must not cry after 2, They must be pacified with sweets and candy, if they do. And each camel must be restrained within the gates by ten, Camel restraints are made quite clear: the how, the where, the when. No one should touch a winged insect, no swatting pesky flies:" Pour apple cider on its head until the insect ...
... The 'Real ' Night Before Christmas 'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse Instructions were studied and we were inspired, in hopes we could manage" Some Assembly Required" The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, while Dad and I faced the evening with dread: a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot! And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot! We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat-let no parts be missing or parts incomplete! Too late for last-minute returns or replacement; if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement! When what to my worrying eyes should appear but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear, With each part numbered and every slot named, so if we failed, only we could be blamed. More rapid than eagles the parts then ...
... preacher and his young wife were talking about being more considerate of each other. The good wife promised that she would stop being so critical of his sleep-inducing sermons. He, in return, promised to honor her privacy and stop looking through her dresser drawers. The preacher was true to his word, and never looked through his wife's dresser drawers; the good wife was never openly critical of her husband's sermons; and their marriage progressed smoothly. After 50 years, their children gave a great party to celebrate the golden anniversary of the preacher and his wife. Many people came to congratulate the happy couple, and brought lovely gifts. That evening, as they were putting the gifts away, the preacher saw that his wife had left one dresser drawer slightly open. He tried as hard as he could to withstand the temptation, but he finally opened the drawer and looked inside. There he found 3 eggs, and $10, 000.00, in ...
128. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Summertime. [Humor]
... lines in it, too) There s plenty of time in the fall to focus once again on our faults, assuming we have any. For now, let s have a great summer of 08. I won t tell the Russians or Mr. Gore, if you won t.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... WOMEN'S T-shirts A WASHINGTON POST columnist runs a column each summer listing interesting" WOMEN'S T-shirts" observed at the Ocean City, Maryland beach. I CHILDPROOFED MY HOUSE, BUT THEY STILL GET IN. (On the front) 60 IS NOT OLD. (On the back) IF YOU'RE A TREE. I'M STILL HOT. IT JUST COMES IN FLASHES. AT MY AGE," GETTING LUCKY" MEANS FINDING MY CAR IN THE PARKING LOT. MY REALITY CHECK JUST BOUNCED. LIFE IS SHORT. MAKE FUN OF IT. I'M NOT 50. I'M $49.95 PLUS TAX. ANNAPOLIS -A DRINKING TOWN WITH A SAILOR PROBLEM. I NEED SOMEBODY BAD. ARE YOU BAD? PHYSICALLY PFFFFFT! BUCKLE UP. IT MAKES IT HARDER FOR THE ALIENS TO SNATCH YOU FROM YOUR CAR. I'M NOT A SNOB. I'M JUST BETTER THAN YOU ARE. IT'S MY CAT'S WORLD. I'M JUST HERE TO OPEN CANS. EARTH IS THE INSANE ASYLUM OF THE UNIVERSE ...
... . You have less than two days to file. And who knows? Maybe you'll get a refund. That's the spirit! Let's begin with your name, address, and marital status. Sorry to hear about the divorce. But don't let it get you down-that alimony deduction will come in mighty handy in these tough financial times! Please don't cry. The economy's bound to bounce back. In the meantime, let's talk about dependents. Do you have any children? Wow! I hope they're not all in college. Do you have any other dependents? Sorry. You can't deduct your dog, even if she is your only friend. I agree. The IRS is unreasonable. But let's move on to income. What were your wages in 2008? You are having a bad go of it, aren't you? But at least you're getting the Unemployment Benefits max. I'm afraid Unemployment Benefits are taxable. The government giveth and the ...
... weekends What women want in a man at age 52: Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed Doesn't belch or scratch in public Doesn't borrow money too often Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear Appreciates a good TV dinner Remembers your name on occasion Shaves some weekends What women want in a man at age 62: Doesn't scare small children Remembers where bathroom is Doesn't require much money for upkeep Only snores lightly when asleep Remembers why he's laughing Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself Usually wears some clothes Likes soft foods Remembers where he left his teeth Remembers that it's the weekend What women want in a man at age 72: Breathing Doesn't miss the toilet [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... their relationship will play out for eternity. That's a lot of pressure we're putting on our men, ladies. I suggest that we cut them some slack and allow them to come out of their canine quarters. We really can't expect them to be able to read our minds. Not even the brilliant Dr. Freud could do that.~Jackie Papandrew 2008~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me" And God said," No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself" And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said," Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think ...
... fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim," What? And spoil the mood ?" In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say," I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive" If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that" THIS is where Grandma wanted us to ...
... swiped my lunch money twice. Next to him was my old neighbor who never said anything nice. Herb, who I always thought was rotting away in hell, was sitting pretty on cloud nine, looking incredibly well. I nudged Jesus," What's the deal? I would love to hear Your take. How'd all these sinners get up here? God must've made a mistake. And why's everyone so quiet, so somber? Give me a clue"" Hush child ," said He" They're all in shock. No one thought they'd see you" [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies ' (andychaps_the-funnies @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
136. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- The Seamstress. [Humor]
... The Seamstress One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked," My dear child, why are you crying ?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls." Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied," No" The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires." Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied," No" The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble." Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied," Yes" The Lord was pleased ...
... 22. 21. 20. 19. 18. 17. 16. 14. 13. 12. 11. 10. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. Act naturally Found missing Resident alien Advanced BASIC Genuine imitation Airline Food Good grief Same difference Almost exactly Government organization Sanitary landfill Alone together Legally drunk Silent scream British fashion Living dead Small crowd Business ethics Soft rock Military Intelligence Software documentation New York culture New classic Sweet sorrow Childproof" Now, then" Synthetic natural gas Christian Scientists Passive aggression Taped live Clearly misunderstood Peace force Extinct Life Temporary tax increase Plastic glasses Terribly pleased Computer security Political science Tight slacks Definite maybe Pretty ugly Twelve-ounce pound cake Diet ice cream Rap music Working vacation Exact estimate Friendly Fire And the Number one top OXY-Moron, 1. Microsoft Works [Author Unknown-from 'Kevin Rayner ' (otchurch @hotmail.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... a shoe box to be used for a quick burial and began to look forward to the day the sun would set on our rat-like pet. Alas, though, the rodent lives on. And my daughter for some reason loves it. So I will bide my time and invest in some earplugs. But I'm saving that shoe box.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
139. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- The B and B. [Humor]
... lumpy bed. After a while, I was too uncomfortable to keep my back up any longer. Finally, I broke down and suggested that we leave. We quickly packed our things and headed for a hotel, where we drank champagne and toasted our marriage in an ice-cold room on a king-size bed. ESPN never sounded so good.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
140. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- The Pig Story. [Humor]
... my dad to come over that night for supper and there he introduced the young pig slayer to his 16-year-old daughter. The rest-as my dad always adds to universal groans-is hogstory. They were married a year later and will soon celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. They ve been living high on the hog ever since.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... share a bathroom ," my older daughter seethed." I can't wait until I move out and get my own apartment"" I can't wait either ," my younger daughter agreed. Well, that made it unanimous. Back in the living room, my wife was snarling at her own hair. Women can do this. When a man makes his hair angry, it leaves." Where is your son ?" she demanded. Apparently I had sole legal custody of the children today." He'd better not be getting dirty; those are his last clean pants" I got the feeling from this message that if he were getting dirty, it would somehow be my fault, so I set out to find him. Stepping outdoors gave me escape from my daughters ' shrieking, but it also put me in a position to witness my son's attempt to ride his bicycle over a small jump in the yard. Due to his adversarial relationship with gravity, ...
... all his hard work. Later, after I ve washed the dishes, he asks me how I enjoyed my night off Oh, I enjoyed it very much, General , I mutter sarcastically. Huh ? Never mind , I say. Maybe you should go clean the grill ~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... " the British are coming !" as a warning, leading to the Revolutionary War. 1812-At an international Thanksgiving dinner, King George of England, still hurting from losing the Revolutionary War, challenges United States President James Madison to" best 2 out of 3" 1860-At a Senate Thanksgiving dinner, the seven-year-old son of Alabama's Senator Richard Applebee insults the Senators from Massachusetts, New York, and Pennsylvania, sparking the Civil War. The tradition of the" children's table" is instituted in 1861. 1903-Canada steals idea of Thanksgiving holiday, placing it in October, so they can say it was their idea first. 1928-To commemorate" our nation's greatest era of prosperity that will last forever and ever ," President Herbert Hoover dumps ceremonial ten thousand turkeys into the Potomac River. 1929-Following the Great Stock Market Crash, thousands of men go Turkey Diving in the Potomac River. 1957-Declaring her spicy stuffing" a ...
... The Lost Chapter Of Genesis So God asked Adam," What is wrong with you ?" Adam said" I don't have anyone to talk to" God said that He was going to make Adam a companion, and that it would be a woman. He said," This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it" Adam asked God," What will a woman like that cost ?" God replied," An arm and a leg" Then Adam asked," What can ...
... season, I ve decided to treasure both of our gift grinches just as they are. I m making it easy on myself by giving my mom-in law some cold, hard cash. And if she returns that, well, I ll use it to buy something for myself maybe a complete set of coasters.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... 'Twas The Night Before Christmas (Flu Version) Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house Every creature was sneezing Including the mouse! Twas the night before Christmas but what could we do? The family had been struck down by the flu! The children were nestled all snug in their beds. While Tylenol and Sudefed cleared up their heads. And me with my hot tea and he with a snack Had settled in front of a big unwrapped stack. When out on the lawn there was a crash and a clatter I ran out the front door to see what was the matter. When what to my wondering eyes did appear A large man in a red suit yelling" oh dear"" I've appointments all over ," said the man who was fat." And now just look here, my tire is flat !" We invited him in though we warned him of flu. And waited for the Auto club to do what they ...
147. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- The Boat Ride. [Humor]
... Americans which actually thinks it possible to enjoy a vacation without hours and hours of cable television. I believe that a lake can be fun even if you don't rent jet skis and blast around at high speed, and when I come up with a list of exciting things to do on a trip," go to the mall" is not likely to be on it, even if they do have factory-outlet stores. Because of my antediluvian attitude, I have forced my children to suffer through several" horrible vacations ," including one just this summer in which my younger teenage daughter" almost drowned" She didn't almost anything. I took her out in a rowboat by promising her an opportunity for one-on-one quality time with her father, during which the two of us could talk intimately about anything she wanted and then I would pay her twenty dollars. I know it sounds as if I were bribing her to spend time with me, but in my view ...
... articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly suriferous. Where there are visible vapors having their prevalence in ingnited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. ANSWERS: Twinkle, twinkle, little star. Look before you leap. Birds of a feather flock together. Beauty is only skin deep. No use crying over spilt milk. Cleanliness is next to godliness. The pen is mightier than the sword. Can't teach an old dog new tricks. Spare the rod and spoil the child. A watched pot never boils. All that glitters is not gold. Where there's smoke, there's fire. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... it. The only solution is to get a divorce and spend every penny of my alimony to keep a hair dresser at my beck and call. I m kidding, of course. Really, dear, I m just kidding. I should have been born a HIM. Thanks a lot, Mom.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note-just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. The Mother will not be upset by this. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. All single women have a cat. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing ...
... a Man-Revised List (Age 52) Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed Doesn't belch or scratch in public Doesn't borrow money too often Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm talking Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear Appreciates a good TV dinner Remembers your name on occasion Shaves some weekends What I Want in a Man-Revised List (Age 62) Doesn't scare small children Remembers where bathroom is Doesn't require much money for upkeep Only snores lightly when awake, though loudly when asleep Remembers why he's laughing Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself Usually wears some clothes Likes soft foods Remembers where he left his teeth Remembers that it is a weekend What I Want in a Man-Revised List (Age 72 and over) A heartbeat. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... guy could come, I suddenly remembered after hearing someone (on TV, of course) use the phrase trivial pursuit where I d put those blasted pieces of plastic. I ve promised to never again pull such a stunt. But I think I made my point. Or not.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then ?" My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:" If I've told you once, I've told you a million times-don't exaggerate !!!" My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:" I brought you into this world, and I can take you out" My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:" Stop acting like your father !" My mother taught me about ENVY:" There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do !" [Author Unknown-from 'Better Preaching Through Intimidation '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... What Do You Do All Day? A man came home from work and found his three Children outside, still In their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty Food boxes and wrappers Strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was The front door to the house And there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding Into the entry, he found An even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked Over, and the throw rug was Wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a Cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys And various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the Counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog Food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a Small pile of sand was spread By the back door. He ...
... in his newly organized dresser. They will probably be the same socks and underwear he takes to college in several years. Perhaps those great scientific minds working on the human genome will find a way to fix this strange scourge before it gets completely out of hand. In the meantime, all you Y-guys should definitely keep your shoes on.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... person enters. A Bazaar is to be held to raise money for plush seats for all, since the people believe it is a long felt want. My wife is rather delicate so she can't go regularly: it is almost a year since she went last. Naturally it pains her not to be able to go more often. I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for you, if you wish, where you will be seen by all. For the children there is a special time so that they will not disturb the elders. Hoping to have been of some service to you, I remain, Sincerely, The Schoolmaster [Author Unknown-from PCD, via 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (gcfl-info @gcfl.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... We Walk By Faith, Not By Sight A first grade class was listening to the teacher who was attempting to explain evolution to the children, and that God doesn't exist. The teacher asked: Tommy, do you see the tree outside? Tommy: Yes. Teacher: Tommy, do you see the grass outside? Tommy: Yes. Teacher: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky. Tommy: OK. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky. Teacher: Did you see God? Tommy: No. Teacher: That's my point. We can't see God because he doesn't exist. Jamie raised her hand, and wanted to ask Tommy some questions. The teacher agreed. Jamie: Tommy, do you see the tree outside? Tommy: Yes. Jamie: Tommy, do you see the grass outside? Tommy: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by ...
158. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Thank You, Lord [Humor]
... . Even though I keep my eyes closed against the morning light as long as possible, thank you, Lord, that I can see. Many are blind. Even though I huddle in my bed and put off rising, thank you, Lord, that I have the strength to rise. There are many who are bedridden. Even though the first hour of my day is hectic, when socks are lost, toast is burned, and tempers are short, my children are so loud, Thank you, Lord, for my family. There are many who are lonely. Even though our breakfast table never looks like the pictures in magazines and the menu is at times not balanced, there are many who are hungry. Even though the routine of my job is often monotonous, thank you, Lord, for the opportunity to work. There are many who have no job. Even though I grumble and bemoan my fate from day to day ...
... The Wrong Number Few people are aware of this, but I could easily have been one of the world's great concert pianists, had I decided to ignore my passion for storytelling and writing humor and instead learned to play the piano. My fingers possess such a nimble dexterity that even as a child, my music teachers would gush that in me they had found one of those special students who, in their words," could type" I am sure that by deciding to adopt the qwerty keyboard instead of the sort mastered by the likes of Johannes Brahmas and Ludwig Rollover Beethoven, I have deprived the world of great musical masterpieces, which you would think the Pulitzer Committee would take into consideration once in a while, not that I'm interested in their stupid prize anyway. With such amazing capability literally at my fingertips, I am, as you would suspect, not only an extremely gifted typist, but also very adroit at using the telephone as ...
... the seat in front of her, my sour travel companion reluctantly removed her stuff from my seat, and I squeezed into it. THEY RE MAKING ME TURN OFF THE PHONE NOW , she shrieked into the device in a parting shot. I REALLY HATE FLYING ! You and me both, lady.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Clothes Hung Up~Clean clothes can be easily removed from the clothes bar by gently lifting Up on the hanger and pulling towards you. The clean item can now be Removed from the hanger for wearing. The wrong way to remove clean clothes Is to YANK on one corner of the garment. This causes the hanger to go Flying around the clothes bar, scratching the wall and becoming impossibly Entangled with the neighboring hangers. Special note: This makes Mom want To choke children. So far, she has been able to refrain from this action. Dirty Clothes Rule~If you have made the decision to put something in the dirty clothes, do Not later decide that you, for some reason, now need to retrieve it by Digging through the clothes baskets, leaving behind amess that looks like A small tornado whipped through the laundry room, leaving a scene of Devastation in its wake. Special note: The only thing worse than having to Put ...
... by refusing to eat her pie with ice cream and caramel sauce and nuts and a whole pan of apple strudel. (If there is no dessert, I am perfectly resentful to go without. I'll make little jokes like" if there's no dessert you must be a horrible person" so that everyone at the dinner will get over their embarrassment at the dreadful faux pas and look upon our hosts with tolerant repugnance) My love affair with sweets started when I was a child, but not in my mother's kitchen. My mother didn't like to bake and to prove it would make us her chocolate chip cookies: heavy, flat disks with all the succulence of kiln-fired clay. My mother's cookies were very popular with my friends because they never lost their texture even after hours of field hockey. (We also liked the idea that they were made of biodegradable materials and didn't need to be picked up from the playground at the end of the game, ...
... are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want: Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it's something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children. Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's" golden time" is between 3: 30 and 4: 30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious ...
164. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Fear of Flying. [Humor]
... plane problems of the amazing Amelia Earhart were far more serious, in the end, than mine have been, she probably had a lot more fun when she was flying. I ve decided that, for the time being anyway, I m going to stick to driving. And I won t be using any porta-potties.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Garden of Eden Story Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him," What is wrong with you ?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. God said," This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed" Adam asked God," What will a woman like that cost ?" God said," An arm and a leg" Adam said," What can I get for just a ...
... no time to train you. CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED Some time each night and some time each weekend. DUTIES WILL VARY Anyone in the office can boss you around. MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL We have no quality control. CAREER-MINDED Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way). APPLY IN PERSON If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled. NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality. SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE You'll need it to replace three people who just left. PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without ...
... Elementary Bible School Tests This next piece comes from an elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched nor corrected but submitted just as they were written by the students. And away we go. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ARK. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. Moses led the Jews to ...
168. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Drivers Ed. [Humor]
... s what I like about it. If any of the previously mentioned law enforcement officers are reading this and happen to see me out driving, I was just kidding about you being biased and unfair. I don t at all mind filling up your city coffers. I just wish you d keep the roads clear of cows.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
169. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Drug Problem. [Humor]
... some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed. Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place. God bless the parents who drug us to where we should be. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the end of a perfectly adequate sentence " It was nice seeing you last week I had actually typed not one, but two obsequious smiley faces. I could only shake my head in disgust. Even the word-weenies like me are gradually being worn down. Shakespeare must be rolling in his grave. :(~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... live with but makes a fine ancestor. I want to find ALL of them! So far I only have a few thousand. I Should have asked them BEFORE they died! I think my ancestors had several" Bad heir" days. I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the JUNE flower. Only a Genealogist regards a step backwards, as progress. Share your knowledge, it is a way to achieve immortality. Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools! It's an unusual family that hath neither a lady of the evening or a thief. Many a family tree needs pruning. Shh! Be very, very quiet. I'm hunting forebears. Snobs talk as if they had begotten their own ancestors! That's strange: half my ancestors are WOMEN! I'm not sick, I've just got fading genes. Genealogists live in the past lane. Cousins marrying cousins: Very tangled roots! Cousins marrying cousins: A non-branching ...
... 'Gonna Be A Bear In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too. When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that. If you're mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that. If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup, 'gonna be a bear! ...
... used against future levies. And any reader who contacts my editor and uses terms to describe me such as genius and should be paid more will get a year s worth of free laughs. I truly appreciate your understanding during these hard times for humor. I accept cash or credit cards.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... that my hair will fail to achieve the desired fullness, and I will be cruelly condemned to a Bad Hair Day. A Bad Hair Day wipes out all of my hard work and leaves me grouchy as a grizzly. I m a high-maintenance mamma bear who needs her own bathroom. Maybe someday, I ll get it.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
175. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- History. [Humor]
... was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in ...
... . Ice is a valid topic of conversation. Your" drive-thru" meal consists of MRE's and bottled water. Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea. You spend more time on your roof then in your living room. You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder or a tree worker. A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center. You don't worry about relatives wanting to visit during the summer. Your child's first words are" hunker down" and you didn't go to Ole Miss! Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's Christmas. Toilet Paper is elevated to coin of the realm at the shelters. You know the difference between the" good side" of a storm and the" bad side" Your kids start school in August and finish in July. You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning. [Author Unknown ...
... your powers for good instead of evil. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. A PBS mind in an MTV world. Allow me to introduce my selves. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. Whisper my favorite words:" I'll buy it for you" Better living through denial. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. Adult child of alien invaders. Do they ever shut up on your planet? I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes? Back off! You're standing in my aura. I can't remember if I'm the good twin ...
178. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Good Son. [Humor]
... of strict Presbyterian parents. He was very, very good, worked hard at school, did his chores, and was generally helpful and obedient. But one morning, for some reason, he came down to breakfast in a very nasty mood. When his mother served him prunes, he snarled," I don't want prunes !" and he refused to eat them. His parents were aghast, and his father said," Robert, you know that the Lord commanded children to honor and obey their parents, and He will punish those who do not" But Robert still refused and was angrily sent back to bed, and the prunes were put in the refrigerator. A few minutes later, a terrible thunderstorm came up with great roars and flashes of lightning." Ah, wonderful ," said Robert's mother," this will teach him a lesson" Robert came back down the stairs, went into the kitchen and opened the fridge. From there ...
179. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Got Flax? [Humor]
... . There, above my business-type mouth, lay a thick, blueberry-colored, flaxseed-speckled mustache. I looked like one of those celebrities in the Got Milk? ads, except that I looked like a complete idiot. I wiped off my mustache and went back, red-faced, to my meeting. Then I went in search of some donuts.~Jackie Papandrew 2008~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
180. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Gravy Train. [Humor]
... my gravy. I m going to be thankful for all the things I take for granted. I m going to remember that my life, even when lumpy, is pretty darn sweet. In fact, most of the time, I am definitely on the gravy train. I hope you are, too. Happy Thanksgiving.~Jackie Papandrew 2008~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008 (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . Beg for goodies subtly Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach unless you can get away with it. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important) Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house Tolerate children Turn on your charm big time. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DO 'NOT ' BITE HIM !!! [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments ' (TheBible @USA.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... of them and is asleep in one of the drawers? Is the only comb you can find in the bathroom a flea comb? Do you cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays? Does your cat" insist" on a fancy Sunday breakfast consisting of an omelette made from eggs, milk, and salmon, halibut, or trout? Do you have pictures of your cat in your wallet? Do you bring them out when your friends share pictures of their children? (Pollsters claim that 40 percent of cat owners carry their pet's pictures in their wallets, by the way) When people call to talk to you on the phone, do you insist that they say a few words to your cat as well? Do you accept dates only with those who have a cat? If so, do you eventually double-date with the cats to see how they get along? When someone new comes to your house, do you introduce your cat ...
183. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- A Kiss. [Humor]
... a byte" ALGEBRA" A kiss is two divided by nothing" PHYSICS" A kiss is a contraction of the mouth due to an expansion of the heart" CHEMISTRY" A kiss is the reaction resulting from the interaction between two hearts" ACCOUNTING" A kiss must be considered an investment that is profitable when returned" ECONOMICS" A kiss is one of those things for which the demand is always higher than the supply" PHILOSOPHY" A kiss is persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth, and homage for the old" THEOLOGY" A kiss is divine" EARTH SCIENCES" A kiss is a clean, green, renewable energy resource that works best when recycled often" PHARMACOLOGY" A kiss is an oral stimulant taken by mouth that can often cure what ails you" LAW" A kiss is when the party of the first part and the party of the second part have reached a mutually beneficial understanding that two (2) pair ...
184. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- A Man's Job. [Humor]
... was here, he would have performed the man-job. But Grandpa was also a firm believer that some work belongs only to women. And that seems like a betrayal of my feminist philosophy. I guess the truth is I want to have my cake and eat it, too. As long as Ebony doesn t get there first.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... this bad news ?" I ask. He sighs." Well, it means I'll be able to afford that new bass boat I've been looking at. For you, it means the teeth will have to come out" Okay, not so bad. I've lost teeth before, and even had something of a cottage industry for awhile selling them to the tooth fairy, who turns out to be my father, of all people. Here you go through most of your childhood thinking your dad is a gynecologist and then you see him sneaking into your sister's room to take her molar and leave a quarter. I remember when my friend Tommy lost two of his teeth when he put his mouth right where I was throwing a baseball (what an idiot !). That night I lay in bed giggling over the idea of my father sneaking in to put money under Tommy's pillow. The next morning, when I innocently asked my dad how Tommy was doing ...
... neighbor is probably still trying to recover from what he saw that day. I haven t been able to look him in the eye since then. And I m considering going natural, forsaking my quest to be comely and giving Pig Pen a run for his money. Or maybe I ll just find a new hairdresser.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... of time. Read less. Makes you think. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow. Not date any of the Baywatch cast. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. Not have eight children at once. Get in a whole NEW rut! Start being superstitious. Personal goal: bring back disco. Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace ...
... , the loop that encircles Atlanta and has a posted speed limit of 65mph (but you have to maintain 80 mph just to keep from getting run over ), is known to truckers as" The Watermelon 500" Georgia 400 is our equivalent of the Autobahn. You will rarely see a semi-truck on GA 400, because even the truck drivers are intimidated by the oversized SUV-wielding housewives racing home after a grueling day at the salon, or the tennis match, to meet their children at the school bus coming home from the college prep preschool. The last thing you want to do is give another driver the finger, unless your car is armored, your trigger finger is itchy and your AK-47 has a full clip. Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air. There are 5, 000 types of snakes and 4, 998 live in Georgia. There are 10, 000 types of spiders. All 10, 000 live ...
... have time to make it. Real mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox. Real mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens, and happy kids. Real mothers know that dried playdough doesn't come out of shag carpet. Real mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up. Real mothers sometimes ask" why me ?" and get their answer when a little voice says," because I love you best" Real mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade. it is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom. IMAGES OF MOTHER 4 years of age: -My mommy can do anything! 8 years of age: -My mom knows a lot! A whole lot! 12 years of age: -My mother doesn't really know quite everything. 14 years of age: -Naturally, mother doesn't know that, either. 16 years of age: -Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned ...
... the grave. Then I called my friend, the one who is still trying to locate her thighs down past her knees. We consoled each other, both of us finally understanding the old axiom about youth being wasted on the young. We agreed that we should learn how to age gracefully. Yeah, right.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
191. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Are You Normal? [Humor]
... theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods 90 %believe in divine retribution 10 %believe in the 10 Commandments 82 %believe in an afterlife 45 %believe in ghosts 13 %( mostly men) have spent a night in jail 29 %of us are virgins when we marry 58.4 %have called into work sick when we weren't 10 %of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item Over 50 %believe in spanking-but only a child over 2 years old 35 %give to charity at least once a month How far would you go for $10 million? 25 %would abandon their friends, family, and church 7 %would murder 69 %eat the cake before the frosting When nobody else is around, 47 %drink straight from the carton 85 %of us will eat Spam this year 70 %of us drink orange juice daily Snickers is the most popular candy 22 %of us skip lunch daily ...
... The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked the Mexican how he spent the rest of his time. The Mexican fisherman said," I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor" The American scoffed," I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and, with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing ...
... -Today's Media If today's media got a hold of these Biblical stories... On Red Sea crossing: WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE Pursuing Environmentalists Killed On David vs. Goliath: HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock On Elijah on Mt. Carmel: FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY 400 Killed On the birth of Christ: HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple On feeding the 5, 000: PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH Disciples Mystified Over Behavior On healing the 10 lepers: LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED" Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy On healing of the Gadarene demoniac: MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE Local Farmer's Investment Lost On raising Lazarus from the dead: FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK Will Reading to be Delayed [Kevin Rayner (http :// groups.yahoo.com / group / off-the-church-walls)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
194. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Class Reunions. [Humor]
... tried so hard to impress. We drove fancy cars, smoked big cigars, And wore our most elegant dress. It was quite an affair; the whole class was there. It was held at a fancy hotel. We wined, and we dined, and we acted refined, And everyone thought it was swell. The men all conversed about who had been first To achieve great fortune and fame. Meanwhile, their spouses described their fine houses And how beautiful their children became. The homecoming queen, who once had been lean, Now weighed in at one-ninety-six. The jocks who were there had all lost their hair, And the cheerleaders could no longer do kicks. No one had heard about the class nerd Who'd guided a spacecraft to the moon; Or poor little Jane, who's always been plain; She married a shipping tycoon. The boy we'd decreed" most apt to succeed" Was serving ten years in the pen, While the ...
195. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Cooking Terms. [Humor]
... in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat. Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow. Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid. Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words" Putrid ,"" hORRId ," and" sluDGE" Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned not only when the food is removed, but when it is put in the oven. Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry. Microwave Oven: ...
196. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Cruise Control. [Humor]
... is six months OLDER than I am. My spouse foolishly took to calling me Mom for the rest of the cruise. Now that we are home, he s sleeping on the couch, not only because I m mad at him but because, for some reason, I need a larger portion of the bed.~Jackie Papandrew 2008~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing things in my records like" Good Kitty" and" Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like" MEAN !!"" BITER !!!" and" GET HELP !!!!!" I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2: 00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me. I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail. If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt. If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty. I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea ...
... After a while, our supposedly waterproof tents began to leak. And with each drip of water, we got wetter and whinier. By the time darkness fell, we were ready to pack it in. We threw everything into the car and headed for a warm and dry motel. Our pioneer ancestors must be rolling in their graves.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Well, how much does a brain cost ?" The doctor quickly responded, "$ 5, 000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain" The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask," Why is the male brain so much more ?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group," It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains. because they've been used" [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the_funnnies ' (andychaps_the-funnies-owner @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
200. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Busy, Busy. [Humor]
... or channel surfing regular activities in my household would not count. I anticipate years of lobbying and litigation over this issue from the lazy. But I honestly believe it would be worth it. Those of us who exemplify the best of busyness must be set aside from those who give it a bad name.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Camping-part 1 It happens to all fathers eventually. You think your youngest child is innocent in the ways of the world, and then he comes up and asks you .well, you know. The QUESTION." Dad? Why can't we ever go camping ?" Normally I handle his requests for information with a very patient and caring" Ask your mother" Somehow I know, though, that this is one of those times only a dad will do. Lovingly, I place a warm hand on his shoulder and reply," My son, camping was made obsolete with the invention of the condominium"" But Dad ," he protests," The Johnsons camp all the time !" Johnson! That rat. You know the type. His Christmas decorations are never up past the middle of January. Every weekend he is out hammering, mowing, and painting, always whistling as he walks around with the list his wife prepared for him ...
... her arm out of its socket and twist her knees til they tremble as I lunge against my leash in my attempt to investigate. This would not be necessary if my hominid was in better shape and could run with me. Maybe that should be one of her New Year s resolutions. I ll let her know.~Jackie Papandrew 2008~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other" Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a" Middle Manager" SENIOR MANAGEMENT: See above-Same sign, different title. CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play" Customer Service" Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager. CONSULTANT: Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your" skills" are in demand, and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a ...
... On Being Bald... If a man is bald in front, he's a thinker. If he's bald in the back, he is a lover. If he's bald in front and back, he thinks he's a lover." Papa, are you growing taller all the time ?"" No my child. Why do you ask ?"" 'Cause the top of your head is poking up through your hair" He has wavy hair. it's waving goodbye. He's not baldheaded. he just has flesh-colored hair. There's one proverb that really depresses him: 'Hair today, gone tomorrow ' He's so bald that it looks like his neck is blowing a bubble. There's one thing about baldness. it's neat. There's a new remedy on the market for baldness. It's made of alum and persimmon juice. It doesn't grow hair, but it shrinks your head to fit what hair you have. He has less hair to comb, but more ...
... in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery / ice cream parlor. There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee. The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star-struck woman smiled demurely. Pull yourself together, she chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children; you're forty-five years old, not a teenager! The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then when she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction. When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change-but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into ...
206. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Perfect Couple. [Humor]
... perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor? Scroll down for the answer. The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no ...
... or two, your home will be immaculate. Ah, the sweet taste of victory! But what, you may ask, do you do with the stuff you've dragged out? This is where the second part of your training comes into play. As an officially recognized HCA, you'll be able to encourage (translation: con) your gullible family members into putting it all away for you-and get the housework done in the process. Listen up. Your unsuspecting children wander in from playing at June Cleaver's spotless house next door. Feign your harried" where on earth have you been all day / am I the only one who can do any work around here / I'm not your slave" look and either sigh, scowl or cry. But keep in mind that when it comes to Mom, kids hate sighing, scowling and crying. That's their job and they're not happy when someone else does it better than they do. Keep it ...
... Drop Off Trees Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half New Vaccine May Contain Rabies Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing Police Discovered Pot Plants Were Really Cannabis Headless Body Found In Topless Bar Air Head Fired Steals Clock, Faces Time Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training Include Your Children When Baking Cookies [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (AIKENSLongJoke @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Math-Little Johnny Mrs. Johnson, the elementary school math teacher, was having children do problems on the blackboard that day." Who would like to do the first problem, addition ?" she asked. No one raised their hand. She called on Tommy, and with some help he finally got it right." Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction ?" Students hid their faces. She called on Mark, who got the problem but there was some suspicion his girlfriend, Lisa, whispered it to him." Who would like to do the third problem, division ?" Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at nothing in particular. The teacher called on Suzy, who got it right." Who would like to do the fourth problem, multiplication ?" Johnny's hand shot up, surprising everyone in the room. Mrs. Johnson finally gained her composure in the stunned silence." Why the ...
... easy to escape the tyranny of all those New Year s resolutions that never give us a moment s peace. You too, my friend, can live a productive and satisfying life by simply resolving to do what you re already doing. Just make sure you have clean towels in the house first.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... pounds trying to self-medicate on cheese fries from the food court. He sleeps like a baby... in Victoria's Secret. The store's lounge area has turned into a therapy circle for men, with your Guy acting as moderator. You catch him shooting the breeze about baseball and trying to place an eighth-inning bet... with a mannequin. On trips to the shopping outlets, he routinely grabs the arms of little boys and shouts" run for your life, child, before it's too late" When you suggest he bring a magazine to read to pass the time, he lugs an entire year's worth of back issues. The saleswoman at the cosmetics counter has complained that your man is a little to fond of" smelling" the nail polish testers. He starts shoplifting in an attempt to" spice things up" You hand him a pair of khakis you think might look good on him, and he absentmindedly fashions then into a noose ...
212. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Pet Place. [Humor]
... doggie land mines" hidden in the grass. I love thee absolutely-because you never (well, hardly ever) hog the remote control. I love thee gratefully-because you stay by my side (or on my side). I love thee devotedly-more than clean carpeting, clothing, furniture, floors or walls. I love thee bravely-enough to battle the indomitable flea on your behalf. I love thee monetarily-enough to put the vet's children through college. I love thee openly-I will bear any embarrassment for your furry sake. I love thee totally-more than free time, excess cash or a predictable life. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (AIKENSLongJoke @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... share of arm-punching each other over wrong answers, and we provided a great deal of amusement to our friends. As we were leaving, one of them suggested that perhaps we should spend more time together. Or maybe we should just avoid playing party games. Unless we re blindfolded and trying to locate a donkey s backside.~Jackie Papandrew 2008~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid. Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What's the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart. Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband. And the winner is...... Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn .I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn. Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic ...
215. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Resumania. [Humor]
... for another opportunity" (No problem)" Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable" (Glad to hear it)" My compensation should be at least equal to my age" (And bonuses" tied to" his shoe size ?)" I am very detail-oreinted" (With the possible exception of spelling)" I can play well with others" (We'll be sure to tell your mommy)" Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel" (A new twist on work-family balance)" Objection: To utilize my skills in sales" (Have you considered law school ?)" My salary requirement is $34 per year" (They say money isn't everything)" Served as assistant sore manager" (Ouch)" Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle" (So you're willing to travel ?)" Previous experience: Self-employed-a fiasco" (Definitely to the ...
... Retarded Grandparents After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but in it they all j ump up and down with hats on. At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape! Sometimes they sneak out. ...
... catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you? Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply." Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed ?"" Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother ?"" Wasn't there any change ?" The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said," Could I get you your check ?" and we answered," How about the menu first ?" When your mother asks," Do you want a piece of advice ?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. [Erma Bombeck-from andychaps_the-funnies] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All ...
218. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Aphorisms. [Humor]
... to be filled but a fire to be kindled.-Plutarch Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask," Where have I gone wrong ?" Then a voice says to me," This is going to take more than one night"-Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_[ Charles Schulz] The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.-Salvador Dali What a distressing lack contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult.-Sigmund Freud I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.-Hunter S. Thompson Sacred cows make the best hamburger.-Mark Twain" Time's fun when you're having flies"-Kermit the Frog [Author Unknown -from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... pair with a waistband that was not too high and not too low, but just right. And, miraculously, I did. In fact, a sales clerk at the store told me low risers are on their way out of style. I say good riddance. Plumber's pants should only be worn by plumbers.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
220. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Porsche. [Humor]
... me fifteen dollars" So the parents began to yell even louder." Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars ?" they said." It was the lady up the street ," said the boy." I don't know her name; they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars"" Oh my Goodness ," moaned the mother," she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on" So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars, and demanded to know why she did it." Well ," she said," this morning I got ...
221. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Quotables. [Humor]
... " If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six" STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight." I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window" BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked:" How does it know it's me? SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups." Please don't give me this juice again ," she said," It makes my teeth cough" DI (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked:" How much do I cost ?" MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a ...
... can watch TV and still answer: uh huh, oh, I see what you mean, etc. at the right time. He is able to avoid use of the same excuse two-times-in-a-row. He has learned that a new vacuum cleaner, iron, etc. do not make acceptable anniversary presents. Admits with only minor prodding that watching Monday Night Football together does not constitute a" date" or family home evening (where applicable). Has learned all of the childrens ' names so that he doesn't have to refer to them as," Hey, you there". Knows the proper time to give a sincere compliment and also the proper time to say something such as," Its definitely an interesting dress" [Author Unknown-from Aiken Drum] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... from a hoedown. For the life of me, I can't understand the appeal of the game a chaotic mix of men pushing, shoving and bellowing, slobber and obscenities flying. And that's just the fans. But my boy has been hooked from an early age, spending countless hours watching, playing and dreaming about football. He's consumed whole forests of paper drawing intricate plays marked with Xs and Os. And I've grown tearful remembering other Xs and Os my sweet child long ago scribbled on construction-paper cards, right under the words" I Love You, Mommy" I've tried, occasionally, to fight back. Once, I suggested he end a six-hour football fest and read a book. But my son has the same regard for reading that I have for cellulite, and his withering response cut me to the quick." Print is dead, Mom. Nobody reads anymore"" There is no way ," I wailed," no way ...
... your girlfriend's home page. Your bookmark menu takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them. You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search. You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines. You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap. and your child in the overhead compartment. All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: .ISDN. cable modem. T1. T3. You dream in HTML. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't ...
... Internet Resolutions I will try to figure out why I" really" need 12 e-mail addresses. I will stop sending e-mail to my husband / wife. A phone call every now and then would be appreciated I resolve to work with neglected children-my own. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person. I resolve to back up my 12 GB hard drive daily. well, once a week. okay, monthly then. or maybe. at least once a year. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3: 00 AM in the morning. 4: 30 AM is much more practical since my friends ...
... years" And the man responded," Lord, certainly to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog declined, and the 10 years the monkey rejected" And it was so. So God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule, working and carrying heavy loads. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years more as a dog, guarding his household and eating only their leftovers after they empty the pantry; and then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren. And it became so. [Unknown-From: Stan M.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... are. I'm the Life of the Party. even when it lasts 'till 7pm. However, I'm Usually interested in goin ' home long before I get to where I'm goin. I'm Smilin ' all the time, cause I can't hear a word you're sayin. I'm also good at tellin ' Stories. over and over and over again! I'm good on a trip for at least an hour, without my BenGay, Aspirin, Antacid. I'm even good at opening Childproof caps. With a Hammer! I'm for Sure aware that other people's Grandchildren aren't as bright as mine. Ever noticed that they're making Adults much Younger these days? I'm walking more. (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less. I'm the first one to find that bathroom wherever I go. I'm Positive I did housework correctly before the Internet. And, I'm sure everything I can't find, is in a secure place. I'm a walking storeroom of facts. I've ...
... person understand, for they will not know what you want unless you exaggerate each one of these actions. When you are given a bone, do not share it with ANYONE, not even the person who gave it to you. You must guard it with your life, even if you have no intention of eating it. Everyone wants your bone. After all, it is the best bone in the world. If your person is reading the newspaper or if the children are working on their homework, tear it up. It is your duty as a dog to demonstrate to people how to get their priorities straight. Why waste time reading or working on homework when you can be enjoying a car ride or a walk in the park? When a person says the" W" word, give him / her a glimpse of how intelligent you are. Reveal the urgency to go for a W-A-L-K. If only our people knew we could spell ...
... Illiterate Immigrant Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two O's. He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going nowhere just for show ),... you get the idea. One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by." So vat's the problem ?" Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously. Smith waved a bunch of checks at him." Perhaps nothing ," he said," but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks ...
... say anything. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream" I Won !"" I Won !"" 3rd time this week !!!" When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling" Run for your lives, they're loose !" Tell your boss," It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do" Tell your children over dinner:" Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go" Every time you see a broom, yell" Honey, your mother is here !" And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity. Send this to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you-it's worth the laughter! [Author Unknown-from Rick and Debic Brown, via Kim Patterson-Ed: anon.] ...
... in commas. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said," I hate quotations. Tell me what you know" If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly. Puns are for children, not groan readers. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. Who needs rhetorical questions? Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. And the last one. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. [Author Unknown-from 'Cleanlaugh '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... rally nor a funeral. You do not feel like you've been to church if they don't talk about Jesus, read the Scripture, or offer an invitation at the end. You wish some people wouldn't make you feel guilty about standing around and talking with other members, because fellowship is one of the main reasons you come to church. A confession here: I grew up Free Will Baptist, the church of my parents; I went to the Methodist church as a child and graduated from a Methodist college; I joined a Southern Baptist church while in college, the denomination in which I've served ever since. All of the above is offered in fun, with tongue firmly planted in cheek. Much of it is the type of kidding we Baptists do with one another. I am well aware that much of it would apply in other denominations. You will notice that I avoided all the old lines about bringing casseroles to church. Those are funny ...
... s when we d likely toss President Change out on his (and her) ear, and as the winds of change blew right by us, we d adopt a new theme song-that golden oldie by Billy Joel called Just The Way You Are. Because, alas, that s just the way we are.~Jackie Papandrew 2008~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
234. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Kayak Lessons. [Humor]
... Kayak Lessons I don't recall ever having expressed an interest in kayaking. Any activity which requires the participants to wear a helmet and a life jacket is plainly something in which I should not be involved. In fact, I pretty much avoid all sports which cannot be played while holding a hot dog. Nonetheless, for Father's Day this year my children purchased me kayak lessons at the local recreation center. Now, for you uninitiated, a kayak is a thin sliver of boat into which the victim is hermetically sealed by way of a rubber" skirt" Picture being adhered to a water ski by a suction cup and being handed a paddle that looks like a helicopter rotor-that's kayaking. A kayak is about as stable as a guest on the Jerry Springer Show-it feels as if it will dive for the bottom at the slightest excuse. Kayaks were invented by Eskimos to be used in their death-wish rituals, and now can be found ...
... the polluted piece, but I pitched it and banished Ebony to the back yard before slicing another helping of lamb. Eb strolled out the door looking quite pleased with herself, and I can t say that I blame her. Whether it s lions or lambs, it s pretty obvious who rules the roost around here.~Jackie Papandrew 2008~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
236. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Little Johnny [Humor]
... the cream with a tissue." What's the matter ?" asked Little Johnny." Giving up ?"-The math teacher saw that Little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said," Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44 ?" Little Johnny quickly replied," NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network !"-At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said," Johnny what is the matter ?" Little Johnny responded," I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife"-Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures ...
... After a minute or two, Lil ' Johnny spread his hands as far apart as they would go and loudly said to his mother," her butt is 'that ' wide, mom" Hearing his comment, the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolded her son. Again, after only a couple of minutes, Lil ' Johnny stated loudly," Look how the fat hangs over her belt" The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her child. So, Johnny's mother threatened him with a severe spanking. Suddenly, the fat lady's pager started beeping. Lil ' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice," Run for your life, she's backing up !" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
238. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- I've Learned. [Humor]
... -that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love. I've learned-that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. I've learned-that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated. I've learned-that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it. I've learned-that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't biological. I've learned-that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a ...
239. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- KISS. [Humor]
... " KISS" is both infectious & antiseptic. Prof. of Accounting: a" KISS" is a credit because it is profitable when returned. Prof. of Economics: a" KISS" is that thing for which the demand is always higher than the supply. Prof. of Statistics: a" KISS" is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of two minds and hearts. Prof. of Philosophy: a" KISS" is persecution for the child, ecstasy for youth, and homage for the old. Prof. of English: a" KISS" is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all. Prof. of Computer Science: What is a" KISS "? It looks to be an undefined variable, whose possible value can equal love. Prof. of Architecture: a" KISS" is a process which ...
... Kids Marriage Plans A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand." That's a serious step ," he said." Have you thought it out completely ?"" Sure ," his young son answered." We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night"" How about transportation ?" the father asked." I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles ," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised. Finally, in exasperation, the man asked," What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know"" We've thought about that, too ," the little boy replied." We're not going ...
241. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Llama Drama. [Humor]
... even worse to have all these humans believe any live llama would parade around without its fur. But it must be intolerable to have anyone think a sane, self-respecting llama would ever run for President. There s only one thing to say about that: SNORRRBAH ! And we all know what that means.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Kids On The Bible This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e, incorrect spelling has been left in) In the first book of the bible, Guinness's, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the P!!!! hilistines with the axe of the Apostles. Moses led the hebrews ...
243. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- The Attack Of The Killer Bunny (for childern and big kids too). [Humor]
... Inspirational and Christian HUMOR-The Attack Of The Killer Bunny (for childern and big kids too ). ...
... Inspirational and Christian HUMOR-What is Love? (per 4-8 year old childern / kids) ...
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