... Teenager Owner's Manual Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund) ... way to do this. CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words" clean" and" neat" Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for ... preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy. CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will ...

... 8 Simple Rules for Dating my Daughter When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds. Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I ... when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night." So ," I'll call out jovially." I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid ?" As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have ...

... in this documentary series of Happy Moments Which Never Really Happened did not seem to register with anyone until suddenly one Saturday morning my wife proclaimed that" the photographer will be here in less than two hours"" What ?" my older daughter demanded, outraged." Why didn't you tell me ?"" I did tell you. I wrote it on the calendar, and I mentioned it to you on Monday"" Monday? How am I supposed to remember something from Monday ... The Photographer Cometh The walls throughout our house are decorated with portraits of our family sitting together, smiling and serene. These photographs have the same dubious pedigree as snapshots of flying saucers -a more realistic picture would depict my daughters screaming at each other and my son spilling his milk. News that a professional photographer was coming to our house for yet another installment in this documentary series of Happy Moments Which Never Really Happened did not seem to register with anyone until suddenly one Saturday ...

... The Curse of Curfew My eyelids snap open at exactly twenty-two hundred hours, responding to an inner alarm that sounds whenever a daughter is out on a school night. Curfew has darkened the land, and any children caught outside the perimeter are now subject to arrest and the torture of telephone deprivation. I pad down the stairs to my daughter's bedroom. Every light is on and her stereo is blaring, sure signs that she's not home. It is now two minutes after ... o'clock, and normally I'd call 911 but those people got surly with me last time because I phoned it in as a" possible child abduction" due to the fact that my daughter's date wore an earring. I glance out the window and freeze: The boy's car is in the driveway. Well okay. I flick on the outside lights, helpfully flipping them on and off a few dozen times so the occupants of the car will know what time it is. There's ...

... adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says," Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools ... cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry ...

... time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument). John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers. (He's a bully). An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory. (Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond). I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality. (She's so immature that we've run out of diapers). Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very ... is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination. (The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away). Nick thrives on interaction with his peers. (Your son needs to stop socializing and start working). Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions. (Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument). John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers. (He's a bully) ...

... for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman.-Jacob (Genesis 29: 15-30) Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife.-David (I Samuel 18: 27) Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course)-Cain (Genesis 4: ... to Acquire a Wife Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. (Deuteronomy 21: 11-13) Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.-Moses (Exodus 2: 16-21) Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.-Boaz (Ruth 4: 5-10) Go to a party ...

... Dog Therapy If you want to teach your children about accountability and hard work, allow them to adopt a puppy. The feeding and care and training of a dog takes enormous effort, and your children will gain a special understanding of what is meant by the word" responsibility" as they watch you do it. When my older daughter told me she wanted a puppy, I explained to her no she didn't. I told her how difficult it is to take care of dogs, and she listened very carefully so she could be sure to ignore everything I was saying. She responded that since she was an independent adult, living in her own apartment, attending college and working full time, she had a right to make her own decisions and she had already adopted a dog and the only thing she needed from me was to watch it when she was at work. Or class. Or on a date. Or had plans for the ...

... Alligator Swim. Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces," My dear guests .I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed !" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH !! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could .the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. He said," My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain .which do ...

... believe that a lake can be fun even if you don't rent jet skis and blast around at high speed, and when I come up with a list of exciting things to do on a trip," go to the mall" is not likely to be on it, even if they do have factory-outlet stores. Because of my antediluvian attitude, I have forced my children to suffer through several" horrible vacations ," including one just this summer in which my younger teenage daughter" almost drowned" She didn't almost anything. I took her out in a rowboat by promising her an opportunity for one-on-one quality time with her father, during which the two of us could talk intimately about anything she wanted and then I would pay her twenty dollars. I know it sounds as if I were bribing her to spend time with me, but in my view, she was going to get the money out of me anyway," borrowing" it so that ...

... The Mommy Test I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. Why ?" my daughter asked." Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, Mommy, how do you know all this stuff ?"" Uh ," I was thinking quickly." All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy" We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information." OH .I get it !" she beamed." So if you don't pass the test you have to be ...

... all the garbage !" my wife and I command. The kids respond by forming a committee to debate the fairness of this directive. After a brief discussion, they reach the consensus that everyone should be held responsible for his or her" own" junk. As corollary to this absurd principle, they initiate an anthropologic study into the contents of each receptacle. For example, since the parents cook, most of the trash under the sink is" theirs" My oldest daughter haughtily declares that she" never" throws anything away. My son, checking through the downstairs trash can to gather evidence that he's not accountable for that one, begins to feel remorse over some of the things he's discarded, and starts pulling items out." We're running late !" my wife warns. This could be our Official Family Motto. I recently purchased a shredder for my confidential documents, only to discover I don't have any confidential documents. However, a fifteen-year-old ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! The Tell-Tale Hamster" Above all was the sense of hearing acute. I heard all things in the heaven and in the earth … How, then, am I mad ?" — Edgar Allen Poe," The Tell-Tale Heart" After launching a successful campaign consisting of much begging, a considerable amount of whining and periodic bouts of pouting, my daughter has acquired a hamster. I really think this furry bit of fluff is going to drive me to madness. When archaeologists of the future sift through the layers of our lives to try to understand how we lived, they will undoubtedly be baffled by our penchant for raising rodents. I was puzzled by this myself as we drove home with our new pet: a golden-hued hamster my daughter affectionately named Sunset. Without any evidence to the contrary, she decided that Sunset must surely be a girl. I paid a pretty penny for all the paraphernalia ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Talk to the Hand One of the most gratifying things about being a grandparent has got to be those moments when life comes full circle-when your grown children, those who gave you so much grief as teenagers – find themselves raising teens of their own. My parents have had several of these satisfying occasions, especially since my daughter crossed that turbulent threshold into adolescence. Being old and obviously with failing memories, they are under the inaccurate impression that I was sometimes rather difficult to deal with when I was 13, and they seem to feel that I ’ m getting my just desserts. I have no memory of being anything other than delightful as a teenybopper. But I do remember vowing that I would never, ever repeat the fatigued phrases my mother seemed so fond of using when I was growing up. A few years ago, a friend gave me a humorous plaque that read: ...

... Sign-Teenage Daughter's Bedroom Door From a sign I recently posted to my teenage daughter's bedroom door: Welcome to your room! Please take a few minutes to familiarize yourself with these instructions, which, like all of your father's rules, are designed to make your stay in his house comfortable and less inconvenient to his life. ROOM ACCESS: When you first enter the room, you'll notice that you'll have some trouble pushing the door into its fully open position. This is because you've elected to ignore the drawers and closet space provided for you, instead organizing all of your clothing in large heaps on the floor. I've given up trying to change your ways, so I've decided to make the best of the situation and assign your bedroom as sleeping space for our new puppy, who has proven so difficult to housebreak. Yours is the only room in the house where I can be reasonably sure it won't ruin the carpet. MAID SERVICE: ...

... on TV ), I was able to get the gist of the plot – namely, that a bunch of snakes invade a plane and cause bedlam in the skies. For some reason, that ’ s the scenario that popped into my head the other night when I was faced with a situation perhaps not as lethal, but still scary – a slither of shrieking teenage girls stuck in one of my trees. It wasn ’ t exactly the way I expected to celebrate my daughter ’ s 14th birthday. Oh, I knew she ’ d probably want to have a slumber party. And I knew I could survive it. I ’ m a veteran of those wrongly named events where very little actual slumber occurs. Who invented slumber parties anyway? It ’ s difficult enough to get your own kids to go to bed. Whoever thought it was a good idea to bring in other people ’ s children and attempt to persuade them to go to sleep ...

... in her wardrobe. And once a woman, say one like me, has felt beautiful in this essential item of apparel (a la Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany ’ s ), she tends to assume she will always look good in it. So with this assumption firmly in mind and having not worn an LBD for quite a while, I went shopping recently for a new little black dress to wear to this year ’ s holiday parties. I had my teenage daughter and my mother in tow. And I stumbled upon a shocking scandal, one that should have every woman in the country up in arms. Someone is sabotaging the LBD. Someone, probably the same folks adding lead to children ’ s toys, is removing fabric from the fundamental fashion frock and skewing the sizes. These pernicious people have a lot to answer for. I tried on dress after dress in what I thought would be a quick quest for a trendy, yet ...

... You listen to the radio, hoping to hear that the universe came to an end last night and work is canceled. Someone has set the gravity in your bedroom to" overload" You do not feel like singing in the shower. Or soaping. The weary face staring back at you in the mirror looks familiar: Bob Dole. You go to breakfast determined to eat a nutritious meal but find yourself wavering between cold pizza and chocolate cake. A note from your daughter contains a threat to sue you for back allowance. Your dog has chewed your dress shoes; you decide this doesn't really matter. The front door seems too far away to bother. You wonder if you can make your voice hoarse enough to call in sick. Your daughter shrieks that her parakeet has escaped again. This puts the cat in a festive mood. The newspaper apparently was delivered by a confetti service, and you need a rake to gather it up. A ...

... : Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! To Do or Not To Do When my children are grown and looking back over their childhoods, I hope they ’ ll forgive me for my Shakespeare phase. This was a phase in which I ’ d quote The Bard extensively, or as extensively as my Cliff Notes knowledge of him would allow. When it was past my kids ’ bedtimes, I ’ d order them “ to sleep, perchance to dream ” When my daughter was whining about something, I ’ d announce that “ the lady doth protest too much ” When I had to pick up my son ’ s stinky sneakers, I ’ d say sarcastically as I gagged at the odor wafting from them, “ a rose by any other name would smell as sweet ” And when my darlings would head out the door to school in the morning, I ’ d call out after them: “ Parting is such sweet sorrow !” My children ...

... a mushy meatball springing out of the ground and growing into a tree. Er, yeah. Anyway, it worked wonders on my son. Whenever I sang it, he would stop crying and gaze at me in rapt attention. Actually, he was probably just too stunned by his poor genetic luck at being born to such a strange woman to continue crying, but at the time, I credited the song and my wonderfully energetic way of singing it. When my daughter came along, I sang it to her too. And when they got a little older, while they were still innocent and thought that I was the greatest thing since sliced bread, my kids would sing with me. We all laughed uproariously at the mental picture we each created of the stupendous sneeze and the miraculous meatball. Those were good times. Unfortunately, my kids kept growing and lost interest in cheesy melodies about meatballs. Eventually, they turned into teenagers who listen ...

... dropped flat. She said," Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake" So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom. a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in the center of the cake and covered it with icing and decorations. The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice gave her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home. Unfortunately, when the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive looking cake had already been sold. Alice was beside herself. The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the ...

... Letter to My Dog Dear Dog: Since you seem to have so much trouble processing the English language no matter how loudly it is spoken to you, I thought perhaps I could communicate with you more effectively if I wrote down my thoughts. First, please allow me to assure you that you are not starving. In fact, if the newspapers bothered to publish a canine version of those irritating" body-mass indices" that my daughter so delights in reading aloud to me, I'm sure we would discover that you've got far more waddle in your walk than is strictly necessary. The way you visually track every bite of food I take, with a trembling expression of frantic pleading, is most annoying. Speaking of walks: We've been taking the same route around the same block for nine years. For you to sob, whine, and tremble every time I get out your leash is just crazy. And would you please stop rolling in road ...

... times by children. EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be" put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife. FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew. FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question" What's for dinner tonight ?" See" SARCASM" FROZEN: 1) A type of food. 2) How hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle. GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself. GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids. GUM: Adhesive for the hair. HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing. HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc. HANDS: Body appendages which must be ...

... a new technique. Cave moms who simply wanted to spend quality time with their recalcitrant cave kids around the fire probably had to threaten to accompany them on the next adolescent mastodon hunt to get them to comply. Only the locale has changed. I inform my brood that if we don ’ t have Sunday-afternoon Family Time, we ’ ll have it on Friday night. In public. In a place where their friends are sure to see them. This is what my daughter refers to as “ social suicide ,” and my children will do almost anything to avoid that. Before you know it, we are enjoying some screen-free Family Time. I suggest we start off by simply talking to each other. After several moments of silence, we move on to board games, where we find our tongues and spend valuable time arguing over which game to play. Monopoly takes too long, and Scrabble seems to my illiterate bunch too much like school. So ...

... the time go? On an impulse, my rookie Romeo – who had never before expressed an interest in making music-used all his money to buy an electric guitar, that icon of heavy-metal manliness. Then he took a couple of online lessons and learned just enough to be able to awkwardly strum a romantic refrain or two in the presence of his sweetheart. Although the vixen who ’ s trying to steal my once-little man simpers sweetly when he does this, my daughter and her friends have a different reaction. They get great amusement out of spying on the pair, peering through the door and making loud smooching noises. This sends my son into a rage. “ Mom !!” he ’ ll scream. “ Do something !” Reluctantly, I will shoo the girls away, secretly applauding their disruption of the duo. “ Yuck, they are just so vomitocious ,” says my word-wise daughter. My thoughts exactly.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie ...

... by during one of the scattershot shooting sessions. He stopped and asked my grandpa if he needed help. Then he took the shotgun, quickly dispatched the unfortunate pigs and put them in the back of the old pickup. They would provide quite a few tasty meals for the family. My grandpa was so pleased at this unexpected triumph over his nemesis that he invited my dad to come over that night for supper and there he introduced the young pig slayer to his 16-year-old daughter. The rest-as my dad always adds to universal groans-is hogstory. They were married a year later and will soon celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. They ’ ve been living high on the hog ever since.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man ...

... repainted our bedroom, and somehow she got wind of it and asked to see it. I readily agreed, smug in the knowledge that my closet doors were closed and by outward appearances anyway, my house was in order. I showed her the master bedroom, feeling pleased with myself because I ’ d actually made the bed that day. We were standing right in front of the closed closet, and I was about to triumphantly usher my guest out when my preschool-age daughter, wanting to be part of the tour, opened the closet door saying, “ And here is Mommy ’ s closet ” She barely got the words out before a tower of stuff literally poured out of the closet like a tsunami, some of it coming to rest on my astonished neighbor ’ s feet. She hasn ’ t been back to my house since then. For a while after that, I was ashamed enough to keep my closet reasonably tidy. But gradually ...

... . That ’ s because he is a man and, on top of that, he ’ s a HIM (hair-indifferent man). A HIM does not care about his hair. A HIM spends even less time thinking about his hair than he spends wondering if his jeans make his butt look big. If you have problem hair that just lies slouched across your scalp as sluggish as a teenager in the summertime, being a HIM is a real blessing. Being the daughter of a hair-challenged HIM, however, can be a curse if – like me-you are unfortunate enough to have inherited his calamitous coif. And if-like me-you have a mother with thick, beautiful, bouncy hair who dropped the genetic ball, so to speak, at your conception and allowed your father ’ s lackluster gene to beat her healthy-hair gene to the punch, you may have enough Oedipal issues to keep any therapist happy (and wealthy). ...

... and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess" ~~~~~~~ A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy:" So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say ?" The little boy replied," Thank God he's in bed !" ~~~~~~~ A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said," Would you like to say the blessing ?" I wouldn't know what to say ," the little girl replied." Just say what you hear Mommy say ," the mother said. The little girl bowed her head and said," Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner ?" ~~~~~ Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and ...

... is was Peter the disciple-he slept on his watch. Q: When was baseball mentioned in the Bible? A: When Rebecca walked to the well with a pitcher. Q: Why didn't they play cards on Noah's ark? A: Because Noah sat on the deck. Q: How did Jonah feel when the great fish swallowed him? A: Down in the mouth. Q: When is high finances mentioned in the Bible? A: When Pharaoh's daughter took a little prophet from the bulrushes. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's friend noticed the same lady following them, as she had done every day, all week long. Finally he said to Timmy," Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her ?" Timmy nonchalantly replied," Yeah, I know who she is" The friend said," Well, who is she ?"" That's just Shirley Goodnest ," Timmy replied," and her daughter Marcy"" Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us ?"" Well ," Timmy explained," every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life ," so I guess I'll just have to get used to it! [Author Unknown-from 'Andychaps_the-funnies ' (Andychap ...

... Who is the Shepherd? Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop them off at our church's Children's Chapel on Sundays before the service. One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel, the priest came rushing up in full vestments. He said he had an emergency and asked if I'd speak to the children at their story time. He said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm. But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk about the good shepherd, the priest burst into the room and signaled to me that he would be able to do the story time after all. He told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart and needed lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job was to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed ...

... she responded." I mean ," he continued," What are your relations like ?"" I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents" He said," Do you have a real grudge ?"" No ," she replied," We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one"" Please ," he tried again," is there any infidelity in your marriage ?"" Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes"" Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up ?"" Yes ," she responded," about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do" Finally, in frustration, the judge asked," Lady, why do you want a divorce ?"" Oh, I don't want a divorce ," she replied." I've never wanted a divorce. My husband ...

... still doesn't answer." Sir, forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but I really want to know what time it is. Why won't you answer me ?" The old Jew says," Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must invite you to my home. You're handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you'll want to get married. And tell me, why would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch ?" [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... What Children Say About Heaven Mom, God's so neat, and heaven's supposed to be so great. Could me and Gloria go there Saturday for a sleep-over? Our seven-year-old daughter, Clarisa, was not really excited about going to Sunday school, but her little friend talked her into it. After the first class, at lunch she said," I like my teacher, and she said if I come to Sunday school every Sunday, she'll show me how I can get a free trip to heaven" My three-year-old granddaughter, Morgan, came over one day and looked around the room and asked," Where's Grandpa ?" I answered," He's in heaven" Surprised, she looked at me and said," Still ?" I know what heaven is like, because I was there. God makes people when He thinks of them, and then they wait to be born. Our six-year-old, Rachel, prayed," God, they keep ...

... much time on their hands, to serve on a committee which would establish busyness benchmarks. Of course, we ’ d have to engage in a national debate about what exactly counts as being busy. A single mom (or dad) working two jobs to make ends meet? Busy. Britney Spears hitting every Starbucks in a 10-mile radius? Not so much. Does exercise merit a mark on the busy meter? Oh, yeah. Unless you are – like my daughter – only working out your thumbs through too much text-messaging. What about shopping? If, like me, you have to go from store to store trying to find something that makes you look slim, you are definitely busy. If you are a size 2 and everything automatically looks great, you are definitely not busy. (And, by the way, I hate you) There would, of course, have to be safeguards in place to prevent corruption of the high ...

... edges, as if the flowers on the wall were blowing in a gentle breeze. We decided to leave it that way. I nailed a small wooden bench to a section of picket fencing. Then, together, we painted the whole structure white and added more stenciled flowers-red roses this time-all over the bench. We wove fake ivy and silk flowers along the fencing to complete the look. The bench and its fence were secured to one of my daughter's bedroom walls, and a mirror-bordered with glued-on ivy and still more silk flowers-was mounted above. She'd sit on that bench in her garden room, cuddling her crew of stuffed animals, and she would pretend she was in a real garden. Some days, she'd play dress-up in front of the mirror, wearing a lovely hat adorned, naturally, with flowers. Once, I walked in to find her breathing deeply." I'm just smelling all of my ...

... my house for too long, I could block out the evidence of its steady deterioration. As the English poet Thomas Gray-who no doubt had a teenage son – said, ignorance is bliss. But then the school district decided to temporarily abandon its attempts to educate my children, and it deposited them back with me, along with all their educational paraphernalia. The backpacks were flung joyously into a corner and instantly forgotten. There they sat for several days. My daughter ’ s book bag still appeared to be an item designed to transport knowledge. It was festooned with glued-on sequins, and scribbled on with cutesy messages and smiley faces from her friends. She ’ d attached a collection of fancy key chains to it. There were a few stray pieces of paper left inside and a motley collection of school supplies rolling around on the bottom. Some of the bag ’ s dignity was lost, perhaps, but it was still recognizable. And ...

... The Practical Joker A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied," Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you" The husband was thinking to himself," Oh no, what has he done now ?" and said with trepidation," Well what did you name them ?" The brother replied," I named the little girl Denise" The husband, relieved, said," That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son ?" The brother replied, ...

... into" instant gratification ," so he seemed to feel waiting an entire month was too much to ask. He even accused me of" doing nothing" at that moment, even though he could clearly see I was involved in getting comfortable on the hammock. A nurturing and involved parent, I decided to forego my nap and drive my son down to the neighborhood courts for a lesson or two, because that's just the kind of dad I am and also because my daughter baked some cookies for us to take along. Once we had stationed ourselves on either side of the net and began tapping the ball back and forth, it was immediately clear that my son had been practicing. In fact, one of his shots came directly at me with such speed it was all I could do to dodge out of the way." Hey ," I shouted," you made me drop my cookie !"" Why didn't you hit it back instead of ...

... we will be serving hot gods for lunch.*If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.*Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.*Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.*Karen's beautiful solo:" It is Well with my Solo"*Congratulations to Tim and Rhonda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17.*If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.*We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.*Hymn:" I Love Thee My Ford"*Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer.*Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.*Helpers are needed! Please sign up ...

... . My husband and I make our living by way of the Web. And we carry it with us at all times. Sometimes, I ’ m not sure my mate knows where he ends and his Crackberry (Blackberry) begins. And I ’ m not really one to talk. I ’ ve developed a serious addiction to googling myself, just to see how many times my name comes up. I am an online organism, and I like it. My daughter saved up her money to buy a computer game that allows her to “ bake ” an online cake. She can select different frostings and decorations. She can whip up a comely confection with the click of a mouse. And she can share her cake with other online bakers. Even though there ’ s no taste, no reality, no cold glass of milk to wash down this lifeless computer cake, she ’ s devoted to the game. When I asked her the ...

... turn in battle. The recalcitrant latrine gurgled and grunted, but would not back down. The women, watching all their hard work laid waste, did what moms do best; we attempted to assign blame. The children, who had earlier been engaged in an innocent game of pull-my-finger with Grandpa, now eagerly took part in our vicious finger pointing designed to identify the guilty clogger. Old insults and resentments, slights delivered years ago, resurfaced as brother betrayed brother, daughters cast aspersions on mothers, and in-laws were made to feel like outsiders. Accusations of tissue overuse were hurled, and sanitary practices questioned. Legs and expressions were crossed, and eyeballs appeared to be floating. The family was falling apart. That ’ s when Grandma stepped in. Brooking no dissent, she ordered everyone into their vehicles, and we headed for the nearest service station. Later, relief registering on our faces, we clutched hands and sheepishly apologized for our outbursts ...

... to find a solution:" I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project !" HR Manager to job candidate" I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions" Quote from telephone inquiry" We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Bosses ' daughter finishes her summer classes. It's Tuesday .try to get through the day! .then you can go home. kick off your shoes .have the butler pour you some champagne while you eat chocolates and wait for the maid to finish cooking dinner. After she serves you your favorite meal then she leads you to your special chambers where your favorite film is waiting to be seen. While the fireplace begins to roar .cognac is on it's way .for those of you who don't drink you can ...

... the refrigerator. (I actually found it there once) By this time, naturally, the answering machine will have picked up the call, which is just as well. I ’ m too exhausted at that point to actually hold a conversation anyway. I ’ ve found phones under pillows, in bathrooms, on top of the hamster cage, even out in the back yard. I frequently find them in clusters, lying next to each (usually tangled in my daughter ’ s bedspread) as if for protection. One of the phones, the one grabbed by a kid with peanut butter all over his hands, has a shiny, well-worn appearance after being vigorously licked clean by our considerate dog. I ’ ve decided the solution is to return to the good old days, when the only phones were those black, 10-pound behemoths with the industrial cables connecting the receiver to the base. The kind of phone you would never find in someone ...

... bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me" Her mother said simply," Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth"" I shouldn't say good morning or anything ?" the daughter asked." Not a word ," her mother affirmed." Well, it's certainly worth a try ," she thought. The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the ...

... Signs You Are Living In The 21st Century You just tried to enter your password on the microwave. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom," What's for dinner ?" Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor this year. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen. You buy a computer and 6 months later it ...

... In the 21st Century You're fitting into the 21st Century when... Cleaning up the kitchen means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. You have a list of 10 phone nunbers to reach your family of 3. Your daughter sells girl scout cookies from her web site. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anybody is home. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years. Your reason for not staying in touch with your family is because they don't have e-mail. You didn't give your" valentine" a card this year, but you e-mailed one to your online buddies. You hear most of your jokes from e-mail instead of in person. Your reading this and you're going to forward it to someone else ...

... be such a simple change for you. To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door. Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets: They live here; you don't. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. I like my pet better than I like most people. To you it's an animal. To me he and / or she is an adopted son and / or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and when they have young, ...

... snorted, fanning himself. “ It ’ s as hot in here as my grandma ’ s house used to be ” He gave me one of his obnoxious I-told-you-so looks. When I was growing up, and my mother would get upset about something, my father would tell the family “ your mamma ’ s got her back up ” Most of the time, my dad was the reason for my mom ’ s spinal contortions. I am definitely my mother ’ s daughter. The I-told-you-so look I got from my husband sent my back right on up out of proportion and made me stubbornly determined to spend the night in this balmy B and B. The hostess left, and we began to unpack our clothes. That ’ s when my mate realized the situation was even worse than he thought. “ Where ’ s the TV ?” he asked. “ There ’ s not one ,” I said. “ Isn ’ t it great ?” “ ...

... be necessary ," Leola said." We trust you" The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II. She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch Days Of Our Lives, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June. Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful." There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers" Within a few months, the ...

... I encountered it when I was forced to drive with a teenager under the influence of driver ’ s education. Now, don ’ t get me wrong. Driver ’ s Ed is a very good thing. Bless those people with nerves of steel (and possibly minds of mush) who actually spend their days trying to teach something to creatures who already know everything. The problem is that Driver ’ s Ed has been infiltrated by Newspeak, and once your son or daughter has been brainwashed by it, you will never again be considered a competent driver. I found this out the hard way when, with my learner ’ s-permit-bearing son in the passenger seat, I pulled out of my driveway. In a hurry that day, I ’ d decided I was not mentally equipped for one of our white-knuckle trips with him behind the wheel. So I was driving, something I have been able to do for many years without major incident (notwithstanding ...

... Good Shepherd Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop them off at our church's Children's Chapel on Sundays before the service. One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel, the priest came rushing up in full vestments. He said he had an emergency and asked if I'd speak to the children at their story time. He said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm. But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk about the good shepherd, the priest burst into the room and signaled to me that he would be able to do the story time after all. He told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart and needed lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job was to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed. He pointed ...

... when it rains. My room:_Can pass your" white glove" test._Is only %full._Could not be located last Saturday night._Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training. Parties:_I don't inhale_I only go to meet people_Haven't been to one since this morning. Hope you:_Miss me_Can live without me_Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence Salutation:_Your Daughter,_Your Son, [Author Unknown-Patricia, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...