... How to Get Rid of Your Preacher Steps to Get Rid of Your Preacher.... Look him straight in the eye and say" Amen" once in awhile. He'll preach himself to death within a few weeks. Pat him on the back and brag on his good points. He'll work himself to death. Start paying him a living wage. He's probably been on starvation wages for so long he'll eat himself to death. Rededicate your own life and ask ... preacher to give you a job to do. He'll probably die of heart failure. Get the congregation to unite in prayer for the pastor. He'll become so effective some larger church will soon take him off your hands. [Source: Frank's Daily Chuckles] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... eerie. His dry thirsty mouth was drawn thin like a bow, And the beard of his chin was plucked out cruelly, and slow. The cross from his back held him high in his shame, And the soldiers encircled his death with a game. He had a kind face, in his eyes none saw hate, And he shook when they laughed at his horrible fate. He was dying for me, took my sins on himself, And I wept when I ... him, in spite of myself. A look in his eye, and the twist of his head, Soon gave me to know, I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work; And he took all my sin, and then turned with a jerk." It is finished ," he said. Death he willingly chose, Then GLORY TO GOD, from the grave He arose !!! Dad sprang from his bed, shouting ...

... TV-violence debate If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.-Dave Barry I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers-and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.-Editor of ... ? Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. Advising the President. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. -David Letterman Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli," I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied," That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress" For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls ...

... on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH! Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and amazing impact, he landed squarely on my back and resumed his rather antisocial and ... oncoming VTX with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for," Bonsai !" or maybe," Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum !" The leap was nothing short of spectacular. as he shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know ...

... you for weeks. Some people are like Slinkies-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. ... Things to Ponder I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets ...

... he wouldn't make it to church. But there he was, drivin ' down the road with his favorite fishin ' pole stickin ' out the window. I tell you, only a miracle coulda ' snatched him out'a the jaws of death that way! Then there was my head deacon, Wilbur Snooch. He had done left a message on my answerin ' machine that his back was so jerked out'a line that he thought he might have to have surgery. But I want ... head clear up, but what I saw renewed my faith in the Good Lord. I tell you, Brother, I seen miracle after miracle! My Sunday School superintendent, Hank Weaselbaum had called to tell me that he was so deathly sick, he wouldn't make it to church. But there he was, drivin ' down the road with his favorite fishin ' pole stickin ' out the window. I tell you, only a miracle coulda ' snatched him out'a the jaws ...

... , get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. Adam to Eve: I'll wear the plants in this family! And on the 8th day God said, OK Murphy, you take over. Birth, life, death. Repeat as necessary. I disbelieved in reincarnation in my last life, too. Freedom*OF*religion includes freedom*FROM*religion. In a crisis call for Isis! That was Zen. this is Tao. Sects, ... we can do is be entertaining. I am an agnostic pagan. I doubt the existence of many gods. I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things; right now, I'm so far behind I'll never die! He says gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at. -Terry Pratchett, 'Small Gods ' And it came to pass that in the hands of the ignorant, the words of the Bible were used to ...

... wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. This may be true! In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of ... murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out:" Tee hee, Brutus" Joan of Arch was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Queen Elizabeth was the" Virgin Queen" As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted" hurrah" It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention ...

... Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death. STILL think you're having a bad day? There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the ... and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 A. M. on Sundays. So a Worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11am, all the doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, ...

... Mother Superior Is Feeling Superior The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held ... Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop." Mother ," the nuns asked with earnest," please give us some wisdom before you die" She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said," Don't sell that cow" [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the_funnnies ' (andychaps_the-funnies-owner @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Idle Kids Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work After Death Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found By Tree Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One Drunken ... Paid $1000 in '84 War Dims Hope For Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Deer Kill 17, 000 Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy Arson Suspect Is Held In ...

... Castaway Did you hear the one about the two men who crashed in their private plane onto a South Pacific island? They both survived. One of the men brushed himself off and then proceeded to run all over the island in order to determine their chances for survival. After a thorough search of the island he rushed up to the other man and declared," This island is uninhabited, there is no food, there is no water. We are going to die !" The other man comfortably leaned against the fuselage of the wrecked plane, folded his arms and responded," I make $100, 000 per week" And then was quiet. The first man, realizing his friend must not understand declared again with strong conviction," Listen, we are on an uninhabited island. There is no food, no water. We are going to die !" The other man, unruffled, again responded." Listen, I make $ ...

... Australia Factoids. These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website-a Melbourne University Tourism Studies student working in the summer holidays answered. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney-can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A. Sure, it's only three thousand miles, but take lots of water. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden) A: So its true what they say about Swedes. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you ...

... theater ?" (Yes! Hey wait, I didn't say that)" If you answered yes to any of these questions, it is probably too late to see a doctor. In fact, you probably lapsed into a coma somewhere after the third question. Have a nice day" Just great, now I've got skull apathy and I'm about to go coma. I zoom home and breathlessly dial my doctor's telephone number, assuring the receptionist that this is a life and death emergency and yes, I have insurance." This is Doctor Spleensplitter"" Doctor Spleensplitter! This is Bruce Cameron! Thank God you answered the phone"" Oh, I'm. I believe I picked up the wrong line"" Dr. Spleensplitter, I've got the top ten reasons to have skull apathy, plus I can feel a coma coming on. You have to help me !"" Skull apathy ?"" Yes"" What sort of symptoms are you experiencing ...

... has anything happened while I've been away ?"" No, sir, I can't think of anything at all worth mentioning"" Come now, I've been away for months. Surely something must have happened in all that time"" Well, sir, come to think of it, your dog died"" My dear Clyde died? How awful! Still, he was getting on in years, and I suppose it had to happen some time. How did he die ?"" The vet said it was probably from eating the rotten meat"" The rotten meat? Since when do we leave rotten meat lying around for the dog to eat ?"" Well, it was the dead horses, sir. They'd been rotting for some time after the barn burned down"" Good Lord! How in the world did the barn burn down ?"" It must have been some embers that blew over from the house, sir"" The house ...

... Mother-in-law in Jerusalem George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5, 000. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150. George thinks for some time and answers," I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do" The Consul, after hearing this, says" You must have loved your ...

... for an hour, which I think was very cruel. December 17-Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. December 20-Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the horrid stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Stupid snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. ...

... for an hour, which I think was very cruel. December 17-Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. December 20-Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the horrid stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Stupid snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. ...

... every day on something, but they ain't saying anything"" The budget is a mythical bean bag. Congress votes mythical beans into it, and then tries to reach in and pull real beans out"" If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics"" Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke"" The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf"" The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets"" I don't want to complain, but every time they build a tax structure, the first thing they nail is me" [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Canada Now that Vancouver has won the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions that people all over the world are asking. These questions about Canada were REALLY posted on an International Tourism Website! Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die. Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA) A: Depends on how much you've been drinking. Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles; take lots of water. Q: Are there any ATMs in Canada? Can you send me list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton & Halifax? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of? Q ...

... first, 7 in the second, 5 in the third ), Haikus are used to communicate timeless messages, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity. The Web site you seek Cannot be located, but Countless more exist. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much. Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that. Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone. Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down. A crash reduces Your expensive computer To a simple stone. Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred. You step in the stream ...

... male gets an election. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g, abdomen) A: The body is consisted into three parts-the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U. Q ...

... " Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk ?" MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said," If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six" STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight." I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window" BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked:" How does it know it's me? SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups." Please ...

... us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee in our pants every time we sneeze. When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says," Please stop screaming, Mrs. In-Labor. Calm down and push. Just one more (10 more) good push ," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the nurse and" husbsnd coach" square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed, 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole. After that, it's time to raise those angels, only to find that when all that" cute" wears off, the beautiful ...

... ! Git, Turnip and Tater And Sam and Bosco !"" Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall! Quit shakin the trailer, Or you'll make Santy fall !" The dogs kept a-barkin ' And wouldn't shut up, And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup. Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys. Bubba got most, But left a few for the boys. Since the guns had been dropped He just might not die. He jumped in his sleigh, Told his reindeer to hurry. The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry. Just as the reindeer Got into the air, The trailer collapsed, But Bubba didn't care. He was busy lookin ' At all his new toys. Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys:" Go check on yer Maw, Make sure she's all right. That roof fallin ' on her Could-a hurt just a might" ...

... You Might be a Preacher You Might be a Preacher if. You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to awaken and discover you really were. You've ever wondered why people couldn't die at more appropriate times. You're leading the church into the 21st century, but you don't know what you're preaching on Sunday. A church picnic is no picnic-for you. You've ever spoken for free and were worth every penny. You said it's Sunday, but Monday's coming! You wonder why the tax seminar leader didn't open with prayer. Instead of getting" ticked off ," you get" grieved in your spirit" You've ever been tempted to take an offering at a family reunion. You'd rather talk to people with every head bowed and every eye closed. You've ever wanted to" lay hands" on a deacon's neck or punch out a council member. You hesitate to tell people what you do for a living. You ever talked to a person ...

... , and most of his mania was focused on the University of Oklahoma Sooners. Game days were serious business around our house. By the time my dad ’ s friends arrived to catch the kickoff with their first brewski, the air was electric with excitement. If the Sooners did well, all would be right with the universe, and my papa and his pals would be bursting with pride. If they did not do well, if they fumbled and failed, a deathly pall would hang over the house, and each man would have to find his own way to deal with his distress. On the day of that granddaddy of all games for the diehard Sooner fan – OU versus Texas – my father and his mates would do a happy little dance around the room every time their team scored, and they ’ d sing a mockingly modified version of the Texas fight song that ended with a rather rude suggestion involving biting and backsides. But if ...

... to sweep the room with a glance. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. Experience ...

... Winterize Your Lawn" Winterize your lawn ," the big sign outside the garden store commanded. I've fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a lot of it die in spite of all my efforts. Now I'm supposed to winterize it? I hope it's too late. Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing we've come up with outside of thong swimsuits! We constantly battle dandelions, Queen Anne's lace, thistle, violets, chicory and clover that thrive naturally, so we can grow grass that must be nursed through an annual four-step chemical dependency. Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis about this:" Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of ...

... TV broken? Light bulb needs changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them. If you fall in the Nursing Home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess Ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. And when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... occurred to me that I'd eaten a bean burrito for lunch -and that I was just moments away from having it occur to other people as well. The sensation was similar to what happens when you swallow an air hose and then become a professional contortionist. Nearly sobbing with effort, I concentrated on not becoming a human Hindenburg while the instructor continued her sadistic drills without any hint of the promised Polish sausage." Up down ," she commanded." Ache hurt. Pain die" (Again, this might not be exactly what she said) Finally she had us twist ourselves into a position for which the word" impossible" was invented, and I experienced what I suppose might be termed" explosive decompression" It sounded like a tuba player being sat on by an elephant. Everyone looked at me in alarm." It's okay, I feel a lot better now ," I assured them. The people closest to me were so relieved they had ...

... ) I don't put things away because. my family will never be able to find them again. (I am considerate) I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because. I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over to dinner. I don't iron because. I choose to believe them when they say" permanent press". (I am trusting) I don't stress much on anything because." A-Type Personalities" die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty old woman !!! [Submitted by Orvie Jensen-from 'WIT and WISDOM '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Polite Insults When Insults Had Class (no 4-letter words ): The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said," If you were my husband I'd give you poison ," and he said," If you were my wife, I'd drink it" A member of Parliament to Disraeli:" Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease"" That depends, Sir ," said Disraeli," on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress"" He had delusions of adequacy"-Walter Kerr" He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire"-Winston Churchill" A modest little person, with much to be modest about"-Winston Churchill" I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure"-Clarence Darrow" He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary"-William Faulkner ...

... all could. Rule No. 12: Smoking doesn't make you look cool. It makes you look moronic. Next time you're out cruising, watch an 11-year-old with a butt in his mouth. That's what you look like to anyone over 20. Ditto for" expressing yourself" with purple hair &/ or pierced body parts. Rule No. 13: You are not immortal. (See Rule No. 12) If you are under the impression that living fast, dying young, & leaving a beautiful corpse is romantic, you obviously haven't seen one of your peers at room temperature lately. Rule No. 14: Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school's a bother, & life's depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be a kid. Maybe you should start now. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says," I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book"" How current is your copy ?" he asks." I get a download every ten minutes ," St. Peter replies," why do you ask ?"" I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was immanent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet"" I'm glad to hear that ," Pete says," but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life ?" The guys thinks for a moment and says," Humm, well there was this one time when I was drivin ' down a road and I saw a giant group of ...

... : 3-4) When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents," I have seen a .woman; now get her for me" If your parents question your decision, simply say," Get her for me. She's the one for me"-Samson (Judges 14: 1-3) Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though).-David (2 Samuel 11) Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law).-Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth) Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.-Solomon (1 Kings 11: 1-3) A wife?. NOT !!!-Paul (1 Corinthians 7: 32-35) [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments ' (TheBible @USA.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... that everyone can see yours. And imagine the enjoyment of watching broadcast television again, without distraction from those pesky cable channels! Fraternity-Boy Vacation! You'll drink as much beer as you can, then throw up. Later, you'll find that your roommate has locked you out of your room so he can be with his girlfriend, so you'll spend the night on a couch which smells as though it was once used as a place to cure salmon. Witness-Protection-Camp Vacation! After dying your hair and being given a pair of really dark sun glasses, you'll operate a small pet store in Gary, Indiana. Mother-in-Law-Camp Vacation! A self-improvement program like no other! Every single one of your faults will be discussed, in loving detail, while you do your best to practice non-violence. A chronology of your other half's former romances will be revealed, with helpful updates on their lives-every single one of them would apparently have been a better mate for your spouse, ...

... a full mile wide, this tornado can turn an Expedition into a Pinto, then gift wrap it in a semi truck. F5: The Mother of all Tornadoes, you might as well stand on your front porch and watch it, because it's probably going to be quite a last sight. METEOROLOGIST: A rather soft-spoken, mild-mannered type person until severe weather strikes, and they start yelling at you through the t.vs:" GET TO YOUR BATHROOM OR YOU'RE GOING TO DIE !" STORM CHASER: Meteorologist-rejects who are pretty much insane but get us really cool pictures of tornadoes. We release them from the mental institution every time it starts thundering, just to see what they'll do. TRANQUILIZER: What you have to give any dog or cat who lived through the tornado every time it storms or they tear your whole house up freaking out of their minds. MOORE, OKLAHOMA OR TORNADO ALLEY, ALBERTA: Favorite gathering places for tornadoes. They like to ...

... to lay low to remain overlooked. I began a new diet of nuts and granola, High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola; And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes, I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes. I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half, And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed; But it was I who was laughing, under my breath, As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death. And sure enough when Black November rolled around, I was the last turkey left in the Turkey compound; So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap; I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap. She held me today, while sewing and humming, And smiled at me and said" Christmas is coming" [Author Unknown-from Catherine Major, via Tim Davis] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... calories into submission. Every guy should be hip about guns. Hand an economics professor a Remington, and even if he's never been within 100 light years of a gun before, he'll work the action, sight down the barrel and generally act like a reincarnation of Daniel Boone or Rambo. When shopping with your mate, do not trail her into the women's lingerie department. Stand clear of those racks of silk-and-lace panties like a mechanic would avoid the Whirling Fan blades of Death. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User-Did God really tell you not to run any programs? And the User answered-God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die. And Bill said to the User-How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless since Windows could replace it. So the User installed the Windows on his computer ...

... CAT'S WORLD. I'M JUST HERE TO OPEN CANS. EARTH IS THE INSANE ASYLUM OF THE UNIVERSE. KEEP STARING; I MAY DO A TRICK. WE GOT RID OF THE KIDS. THE CAT WAS ALLERGIC. DANGEROUSLY UNDER-MEDICATED. MY MIND WORKS LIKE LIGHTNING. ONE BRILLIANT FLASH, AND IT'S GONE. EVERY TIME I HEAR THE DIRTY WORD" EXERCISE ," I WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH CHOCOLATE. CATS REGARD PEOPLE AS WARM-BLOODED FURNITURE. LIVE YOUR LIFE SO THAT WHEN YOU DIE, THE PREACHER WILL NOT HAVE TO TELL LIES AT YOUR FUNERAL. IN GOD WE TRUST. ALL OTHERS WE POLYGRAPH. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... , Why? Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak? Why do banks charge a fee on" insufficient funds" when they already know you don't have enough money? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check with their finger when you say the paint is wet? Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? Why does the government require that only sterilized needles be used for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose idea was it to put an" S" in the word" lisp "? If people evolved from apes, did some apes choose not to evolve? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day ...

... a bill in congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that if passed will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every sent e-mail. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flower, character, or program I will receive immediately after I forward this. People are just trying to talk me into doing it to make me look like a fool. The American Red Cross will not donate 50 cents to a certain individual dying of some never heard of before disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations, they don't donate! And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things on to my friends for fear they will think I am not their friend .or by telling me I have no conscious or don't believe in JESUS CHRIST. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks ...

... Two Guys From The U.P. Two guys from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan die and wake up in Hell. The next day the Devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats warming themselves around the fire. The Devil asks them," What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you ?" The two guys reply," Vell, ya know, we're from nordern Michigan, the land and of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, ya know" The Devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, hats and mittens. The Devil asks them again," Its awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that ?" Again the two guys reply," Vell, like we told you yesterday, ...

... their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the past seven years. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15, 000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I WILL NOW RETURN THE FAVOR. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will fly over your head at 5: 00 PM and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest ...

... is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass. You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them! [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs ' (LABLaughs @LABLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... been on a horse in more than 40 years. It ’ s amazing what people will do for their grandchildren. We arrived at the stables, and times being what they are, were presented with numerous pages of legalese assuring us that riding a horse is a dangerous activity and that we, as suicidal idiots, were crazy to want to be placed on hooved hazards for the express purpose of inflicting upon ourselves serious injury or, more likely, a slow and painful death. The stables, therefore, could not be held responsible. I found myself thinking that John Wayne would never have signed such a statement. “ Well, Pilgrim ,” he ’ d have said, “ we best just get on outta here ” We signed on the bottom line, though, and having dispensed with the legalities, prepared to mount our trusty rides. In deference to her age, the two young wranglers who would accompany us brought my mother a step stool ...

... Mom's Last Laugh Consumed by my loss, I didn't notice the hardness of the pew I sitting on. I was at the funeral of my dearest friend-my mother. She finally had lost her long battle with cancer. The hurt was so intense, I found it hard to breathe at times. Always supportive, Mother clapped loudest at my school plays, held a box of tissues while listening to my first heartbreak, comforted me at my father's death, encouraged me in college, and prayed for me my entire life. When Mother's illness was diagnosed, my sister had a new baby and my brother had recently married his childhood sweetheart, so it fell on me, the 27-year-old middle child without entanglements, to take care of her. I counted it an honor." What now, Lord ?" I asked sitting in church. My life stretched out before me as an empty abyss. My brother sat stoically with his face toward ...

... always ask questions that have no right answers? In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year? Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain ' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch, ' but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu ' and have to be bedridden for weeks? How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes? Why do men forget everything and women remember everything? Shouldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After all there's no sense in two people remembering the same things, right? Is the real reason women live longer then men because they don't have to live with women? If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you ...

... . But not to fear, ladies and gents, God blessed me with intelligence. All fires are quenched by water thrown, That's one sure thing I've always known. So thinking quickly I pour some in, Then I see a frightening thing begin. A fiery face came to my eyes, It must be Satan in disguise! It grabbed the stove in a flaming grasp! I screamed, and gave a frightened gasp. What happened next I can't describe, But death threatened by my side. Let loose a wild lion in my den, But never, ever, will I cook again !!! [Author Unknown-from 'The Funny Bone '-Ed: anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... work, or apparently do anything but sit. Backfield-in-Motion-Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service. Staying in the Pocket-What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work. Two-minute Warning-The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings. Instant Replay-The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations. Sudden Death-What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes" overtime". Trap-You're called on to pray and are asleep. End Run-Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member. Flex Defense-The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life. Halfback Option-The decision of 50 %of the congregation not to return for the evening service. Blitz-The rush for the ...

... Duct Tape It is not widely known that Duct tape was first developed for use as medical bandaging material during World War II. It did keep soldiers from bleeding to death, but pulling it off caused more damage and pain than the original bullet wound so it was quickly abandoned for more conventional bandaging. The military started looking for other uses for this amazing product and the rest is history. Duct tape comes in a variety of colors (the newest is clear ), but my favorite is the original silver / gray. It is with great pride and honor that we offer this list of" Unconventional Uses for Duct Tape. Unconventional Uses for Duct Tape... Hang a strip of duct tape from the ceiling for an instant fly trap. Super seal your tax return envelope with duct tape to annoy the IRS. And when you've finished your taxes, patch the fist hole in your wall with duct tape. Lost in the woods? Not ...

... Explain God (third grade homework assignment)" One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth"" He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk, He can just leave that to mothers and fathers"" God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime"" God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off"" God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which ...

... fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead. Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. Opportunist: A person who starts taking a bath in case he accidentally falls into a river. Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says midway down:" See I am not injured yet" Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich. Father: A banker provided by nature. Criminal: A guy no different from the rest. except that he got caught. Boss: Someone who is early when you are late, and late when you are early. Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections, and your Confidence after. Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills. Pessimist: A person who says that 'O ' is the last letter ...

... The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly. You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car. You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window. Yo u actually burn your hand opening the car door. You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7: 30 a.m. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is," What if I get knocked out and end uplying on the pavement and cook to death ?" You realize that asphalt has a liquid state. The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and addbutter, salt and pepper. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiledeggs. The cows are giving evaporated milk. Ah, what a place to call home. God Bless Our State of FLORIDA! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... , there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and after church, asked:" Gary, whatever made you do such a thing ?" Gary answered soberly:" I asked God to teach me to whistle. And He just then did !" ~~~~~~~ One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer." Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, if I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take" ~~~~~~~ A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night." Dear God, thank you for these pancakes" When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said," I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight" ~~~~~~ A little boy's prayer." Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy ...

... of county fairs and carnivals, I made up my mind that there would be absolutely no throwing darts, tossing Ping-Pong balls, shooting baskets, or any other kind of physical action that might result in winning a prize. However, any fool knows that all of the good rides are on the carnival midway-strategically placed somewhere between the coin toss and the rubber ducky pond. And sure enough one sunny afternoon, as we were strolling towards the Tilt O Whirl of Death minding our own business, I heard a voice call out from the water gun races ," Win a jumbo Pokemon of your choice! Only one dollar !" I tried to ignore it, but I could tell by the way my five-year old son was jumping up and down and pulling on my elbow, that it was too late." Hey, Mom ," he said." Can I try? Pleeeeease ?" I considered telling him all about the mysterious force and the flashing ...

... Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can no longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there's nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put down only 4000 years ago. RAISINS: Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth. SALT: It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours. SPICES: Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will. VINEGAR: If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good. EXPIRATION DATES: This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen. [Author Unknown- ...

... Smokes'll cause lung cancer. Cheese'll constipate. But prunes'll make you scour some And make your tum gyrate. Saccharin'll give you tumors. Cyclamates'll too Red dye'll stain your innards And give you Green Gomboo. Salt'll boost blood pressure up. Pepper makes you sneeze. Florides freckle up your teeth, And knobby-up your knees Pork'll give trichinosis Which makes your muscles balk. Rabbit'll" tootleream" you Or cause your jaws to lock. So don't partake of nothin ' And you won't die. I guess. Everything is dangerous. Some more and some less. [Wallace McRae-from John Traver] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... , sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's owner Dr. Eskin and its steward Benny who managed to swim to the closest island. After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found. The other man was quite calm, relaxing against a tree." Dr. Eskin, Dr. Eskin, how can you be so calm ?" cried the Benny." We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered here"" Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Benny ," began the confident Dr. Eskin." Five years ago I gave the United Way $500, 000. and another $500, 000. to the United Jewish Appeal. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, since I did very well in the stock market, I contributed $750, 000 ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! A Man's Job I ’ ll admit I ’ m a hypocrite when it comes to the division of labor between men and women. It is risking a fate worse than death for a male in my house to suggest that any task is “ woman ’ s work ” But I think there are some things only a man should do. And no man – say, for example, the one I married many moons ago – should be allowed to shirk his duty by conveniently being out of town when one of these man-jobs needs doing. But that ’ s just what my husband did last week. Ostensibly on a business trip, he went to China, which is, as my grandpa would say, “ a far piece ” from our home. Sure enough, before the other side of the bed was even cold, I was presented with a doozy of a man-job, courtesy of ...

... forget to eat. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said," Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning ?" Clear as a bell my body said," Listen witch. do it and die" The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff. If men can run the world, why can't they stop ...

... in a half-sob." This is the jungle. Animals live here" He frowns." My name's Doug" The beautiful National Forest was clearly designed for thinner people. The trees are so tightly packed together I can barely squeeze between them. We haven't gone five minutes before I've slipped over a rock and fallen in thick mud." Quicksand !" I gasp." Help me, Fred !" My son leans over to take a picture of me sinking to my death." You're fine ," Johnson claims." Hey, what kind of shoes are those? Loafers? You wore loafers to hike in ?"" No, I wore loafers to CAMP in ," I point out." Nobody said anything about hiking. Why couldn't we have stayed by the truck ?"" That was a parking lot"" And wouldn't you agree that a parking lot is a perfect place for LOAFERS ?" I snap, deftly demolishing his argument. We move ...

... On My Brakes And Sue You Jesus Loves You-The Rest Of Us Think You're An Idiot. Forget World Peace-Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal! Hang Up And Drive! Where There's A Will. I Want To Be In It! Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again? This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away? This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway Honk If Anything Falls Off He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Is Miles From The Next Exit I Haven't Lost My Mind-It's Backed-Up On Disk Somewhere [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.~Robert Lynd If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.~Horace G. Hutchinson They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.~Gardner Dickinson If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.~Sam Snead Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.~William Wordsworth If you drink, don't drive~Don't even putt.~Dean Martin If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up.~Tommy Bolt Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in ...

... , business-type person. And that ’ s just what I did one recent morning not long after I ’ d begun drinking my nutritious and colorful blueberry-flaxseed smoothies. Because I was running late, I brought my smoothie in the car with me and drank it while I was driving to my very busy, business-type office. Then I, a hard-charging and healthy professional fueled by flaxseed, went right into a meeting with other business types who had probably stuffed themselves that morning with death-inducing donuts. I should have had the upper hand. But for some reason, the others seemed to be snickering under their collective breath. One woman kept rubbing her finger across her upper lip while staring urgently at me. I was annoyed and wondered why she didn ’ t put some ointment on that lip. And then, somewhere in the recesses of my busy business brain, a dim light began to burn. I excused myself and went to the restroom, where I ...

... of Only Fools and Horses, the address of the first girl I kissed, and the plate number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses" MEANS: the girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal" MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing" MEANS: what did you catch me at?" She's one of those rabid feminists" MEANS: she refused to make my coffee." I heard you" MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I can fake it well enough, so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me." You know I could never love anyone ...

... from Sears And Women From Nordstroms I believe that, in general, women are saner than men. For example, If you see people who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male. Without males, there would be no such sport as professional lawn mower racing. Also, there would be a 100 percent decline in the annual number of deaths related to efforts to shoot cans off of heads. Also, if women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be, I sincerely believe this, virtually no military conflicts, and if there were a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of thoughtful notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon (which would be salads, with the dressing on the side) ...

... 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person." Yes ," said the policeman." The detectives want very badly to capture him" Little Johnny asked," Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?"-When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life in such a manner that you rejoice, and the world cries when you die. Indian Proverb [Source Unknown-from Ashley] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... , you're walking into an ambush"-Infantry Journal" No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection"-Joe Gay" Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once"-Anonymous" Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do"-Unknown Marine Recruit" Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you"-Your Buddies" If you see a bomb technician running, follow him"-USAF Ammo Troop" Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death. I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80, 000 Feet and Climbing"-At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan" You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3"-Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)" The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire"" Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than Submarines in the sky"-From an ...

... have someone care for your every need. Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or many other places? No problem, there are always cruise ships ready and willing to take you where ever you would like to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home. Just plan on calling me on" shore-to-ship" satellite telephone. P.S. And when death comes, there are no ridiculously high funeral expenses to be paid-they give you a sea burial-no extra charge. [Author Unknown-from Sherry, via 'LABLaughs ' (LABLaughs @LABLaughs.com)-Ed: Anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... clinician will offer the most advice and the least support. The absurdity of the suggestion is directly proportional to the distance from the bedside. As soon as you finish a thirty minute dressing the doctor will come in, and take a look at the wound. The disoriented patient always comes from a Nursing Home whose beautiful paperwork has no phone number on it. Your nose will itch the very moment your gloved hands get contaminated with bodily fluids. The patient who has been dying all night finally meets his maker 12.5 minutes before shift change. You walk out of a patient's room after you've asked them if they need anything: they will put the call bell on as you are about three quarters the way down the hall. The patient furthest away from the nurses ' station rings the call bell more often than the patient nearest to the nurses ' station. The doctor with the worst handwriting and most original use of the English Language will be responsible for ...

... to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you. PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis. WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18, because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it, and wish you could only do more. BENEFITS: No health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered-however, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life, if you play your cards right. [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead '-Ed: anon. ...

... Learned On the Net I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1, 387, 258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15, 000 that Bill Gates / Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363, 214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or ...

... think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. OK, so what's the speed of dark? When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? Why do psychics have to ask you your name? Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering," What the heck happened ?" Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. [Author Unknown-from Kent, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational ...

... intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of" Santa" does happen to be" Satan ," there is no evil connotation to our own" little man in a red suit" Patty Lewis, Human Ratraces December 10th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Vegetarians-I've had it with you people !! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not; you can just sit at the table farthest from the" grill of death ," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard the scream. I'm hearing them right now. Ha Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Patty Leiws, Human December 14th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue ...

... Heaven Knows A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out," Excuse me, where are we ...

... material. Ditto for any humorous bits about my dog, who is grateful for the attention. If I have to do any reading or, heaven forbid, deep thinking in order to produce a column, charges will go up dramatically. Actually, if I have to do any thinking at all, you ’ re going to be paying the price. And if I have to leave my house, especially in business attire, you ’ ll pretty much be nickel-and-dimed to death. Kind of like the airlines and the phone companies are doing. A fee will be levied for every laugh-out-loud line provided in one my columns. Readers who wish to challenge these fees must provide proof that they did not so much as snicker. Guffaws will garner an additional charge, and anything that causes genuine belly rolling will be assessed at the very highest rates. Additional fees will be incurred against any reader who fails to realize my column is not to be taken seriously ...

... . I can't eat raspberries, I am allergic, John advises. What would happen, Dean taunts, would your body swell up until it is fat as your head? Let's have a pi*ata, Tina suggests, that would be fun. Yeah, John agrees, especially if Dean is the pi*ata. The best polka band in all the world is right here in Boise, Uncle Lou exults. For your information if I eat raspberries I could die, John declares. I don't like raspberries either, Tina confesses. He just sits in his chair and tells me to turn up the heat, Aunt Liddy reports. I'd be happy to be toastmaster again, Uncle Lou offers. Please Bruce, Tina writes privately, don't let Uncle Lou have the microphone, last time he almost gave me brain damage. WILL PEOPLE WANT ICE CREAM WITH THEIR RASPBERRY PIE? (Uncle Lou, instead of a toastmaster this time let's just ...

... If Not For Bad Luck I'd Have No Luck At All My wife just left and the well went dry, and my horse is sick and about to die. Then my still blew up and the barn burned down, and the road washed out on the way to town. Then my dog got rabies and bit the cat, and they both died soon after that. Now I lost my specs and my pipe-stem broke, so I can't even sit and read and smoke. Then a tree fell on the chicken shed, and most of the hens got smashed plumb dead. Then a chimney fire took half of a wall, and this old shack is about to fall. Then I caught my heel on an old dead vine, and sat smack dab on a porcupine. Then a beaver dam broke and my bridge washed out, and my watch stopped working and I've got the gout. And the bank foreclosed so I've lost my place ...

... Nora We read Thos. Edison made light. But in Sun. school they said you did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna Dear God, If you let the dinasor not exstinct we would not have a country. You did the right thing. Jonathan Dear God. here's a poem: I love you because you give us what we need to live But I wish you would tell me why you made it so we have to die. Daniel (age 8) Dear God it is great the way you always get the stars in the right places. Jeff God: the bad people laughed at noah-you make an ark on dry land you fool. But he was smart he stuck with you. thats what I would do. Eddie Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are God. ...

... a kayak is a thin sliver of boat into which the victim is hermetically sealed by way of a rubber" skirt" Picture being adhered to a water ski by a suction cup and being handed a paddle that looks like a helicopter rotor-that's kayaking. A kayak is about as stable as a guest on the Jerry Springer Show-it feels as if it will dive for the bottom at the slightest excuse. Kayaks were invented by Eskimos to be used in their death-wish rituals, and now can be found every weekend on the local rivers, flitting about like giant psychotic water bugs. Fortunately, or so I thought at the time, my lessons were scheduled to take place in a swimming pool, where I felt it unlikely that I would encounter any white water. My instructor, a bearded fellow named Tom, lined up six of us in our wobbly boats in about five feet of water, and proceeded to tell us that our first ...

... Observations Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think," Well, that's not going to happen" Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. The other night I ate at a really nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder in the car these days no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to? You know when you're sitting on a chair, and you lean back so you're just on two legs. then you lean too far, and you almost fall over, but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time. According to a recent survey, men say that the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes. And women say that the first thing they notice about men ...