... Things to Ponder I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily ... , but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? Whenever I feel blue, I ... house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. Life is sexually transmitted. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the ...

... Victim Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work After Death Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found By Tree Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced To ... For Second Time In 10 Years Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84 War Dims Hope For Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Deer Kill 17, 000 Typhoon ... Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood Lansing ...

... moth. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. This may be true! In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the ... . Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out:" Tee hee, Brutus" Joan of Arch was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Queen Elizabeth was the" ... Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared," A horse divided against itself cannot stand" Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. ...

... , sir, come to think of it, your dog died"" My dear Clyde died? How awful! Still, he was getting on in years, and I suppose it had to happen some time. How did he die ?"" The vet said it was probably from eating the rotten meat"" The rotten meat? Since when do we leave rotten meat lying around for the dog to eat ?"" Well, it was the dead horses, sir. ... been rotting for some time after the barn burned down"" Good Lord! How in the world did the barn burn down ?"" It must have been some embers that blew over from the house, sir"" The house? The house burned down, too? How did the house burn down ?"" Well, sir, we think someone must have knocked over a candle"" Oh. A candle? Wait a moment-did the power go off? ...

... How to Get Rid of Your Preacher Steps to Get Rid of Your Preacher.... Look him straight in the eye and say" Amen" once in awhile. He'll preach himself to death within a few weeks. Pat him on the back and brag on his good points. He'll work himself to death. Start paying him a living wage. He's probably been on starvation wages for so long he'll eat himself to death. Rededicate your own life and ask ... preacher to give you a job to do. He'll probably die of heart failure. Get the congregation to unite in prayer for the pastor. He'll become so effective some larger church will soon take him off your hands. [Source: Frank's Daily Chuckles] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Mother-in-law in Jerusalem George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George that the sending of a body back to the States for ... in price"" No, it's not! that ," says George." You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead. I just can't take that chance" [Author Unknown-from 'Joke du Jour ' (JdJ @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Heaven Knows A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it ... Heaven Knows A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it ...

... on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH! Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and amazing impact, he landed squarely on my back and resumed his rather antisocial and ... oncoming VTX with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for," Bonsai !" or maybe," Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum !" The leap was nothing short of spectacular. as he shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know ...

... TV-violence debate If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.-Dave Barry I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers-and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.-Editor of ... ? Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. Advising the President. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. -David Letterman Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli," I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied," That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress" For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls ...

... eerie. His dry thirsty mouth was drawn thin like a bow, And the beard of his chin was plucked out cruelly, and slow. The cross from his back held him high in his shame, And the soldiers encircled his death with a game. He had a kind face, in his eyes none saw hate, And he shook when they laughed at his horrible fate. He was dying for me, took my sins on himself, And I wept when I ... him, in spite of myself. A look in his eye, and the twist of his head, Soon gave me to know, I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work; And he took all my sin, and then turned with a jerk." It is finished ," he said. Death he willingly chose, Then GLORY TO GOD, from the grave He arose !!! Dad sprang from his bed, shouting ...

... If Not For Bad Luck I'd Have No Luck At All My wife just left and the well went dry, and my horse is sick and about to die. Then my still blew up and the barn burned down, and the road washed out on the way to town. Then my dog got rabies and bit the cat, and they both died soon after that. Now I lost my specs and my pipe-stem broke, so I can't even sit and read and ... . Then a tree fell on the chicken shed, and most of the hens got smashed plumb dead. Then a chimney fire took half of a wall, and this old shack is about to fall. Then I caught my heel on an old dead vine, and sat smack dab on a porcupine. Then a beaver dam broke and my bridge washed out, and my watch stopped working and I've got the gout. And the bank foreclosed so I've lost my place, ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! A Man's Job I ’ ll admit I ’ m a hypocrite when it comes to the division of labor between men and women. It is risking a fate worse than death for a male in my house to suggest that any task is “ woman ’ s work ” But I think there are some things only a man should do. And no man – say, for example, the one I married many moons ... when I looked out on our back patio and, to use another colorful phrase from Grandpa, nearly dropped my dentures. There was Ebony, happily chewing on what appeared to be the carcass of an animal that had no business being dead on my property. Upon further, horrified inspection, I discovered it was a rabbit – a headless rabbit – and that what remained of the head was actually hanging out of the mouth of our lovable family pet. You forget, sometimes ...

... believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check with their finger when you say the paint is wet? Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? Why does the government require that only sterilized needles be used for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose idea was it to put an" ... then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the top end on your first try? How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say," It's all right ?" Well, it isn't all right ...

... because it's probably going to be quite a last sight. METEOROLOGIST: A rather soft-spoken, mild-mannered type person until severe weather strikes, and they start yelling at you through the t.vs:" GET TO YOUR BATHROOM OR YOU'RE GOING TO DIE !" STORM CHASER: Meteorologist-rejects who are pretty much insane but get us really cool pictures of tornadoes. We release them from the mental institution every time it starts thundering, just to see what they'll do. TRANQUILIZER: What you have to ... your blow dryer, your washing machine, your microwave and your fans will all come on all at once. 1) You'll just about have a heart attack when they all come on at the same time, waking you from a dead sleep. 2) And your breakers will blow, leaving you in the dark once again. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death. STILL think you're having a bad day? There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the ... and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 A. M. on Sundays. So a Worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11am, all the doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, ...

... a bath in case he accidentally falls into a river. Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says midway down:" See I am not injured yet" Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich. Father: A banker provided by nature. Criminal: A guy no different from the rest. except that he got caught. Boss: Someone who is early when you are late, and late when you are early. Politician ... to decide that nothing can be done together. Experience: The name men give to their mistakes. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions. Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead. Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. Opportunist: A person who starts taking a bath in case he accidentally falls into a river. Optimist: ...

... , get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. Adam to Eve: I'll wear the plants in this family! And on the 8th day God said, OK Murphy, you take over. Birth, life, death. Repeat as necessary. I disbelieved in reincarnation in my last life, too. Freedom*OF*religion includes freedom*FROM*religion. In a crisis call for Isis! That was Zen. this is Tao. Sects, ... we can do is be entertaining. I am an agnostic pagan. I doubt the existence of many gods. I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things; right now, I'm so far behind I'll never die! He says gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at. -Terry Pratchett, 'Small Gods ' And it came to pass that in the hands of the ignorant, the words of the Bible were used to ...

... "-Unknown Marine Recruit" Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you"-Your Buddies" If you see a bomb technician running, follow him"-USAF Ammo Troop" Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death. I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80, 000 Feet and Climbing"-At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan" You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3"- ... row is all luck; three in a Row Is prevarication"" Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there !"" Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the Purpose of storing dead batteries"" Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a Person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about It" Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII:" When a prang (crash) seems Inevitable ...

... " MEANS: the girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal" MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing" MEANS: what did you catch me at?" She's one of those rabid feminists" MEANS: she refused to make my coffee." I ... MEANS: why isn't it already on the table?" It would take too long to explain" MEANS: I have no idea how it works." I'm getting more exercise lately" MEANS: the batteries in the remote are dead." We're going to be late" MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac." Take a break, Doris, you're working too hard" MEANS: I can't hear the football over the vacuum cleaner. ...

... Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop." Mother ," the nuns asked with earnest," please give us some wisdom before you die" She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said," Don't sell that cow" [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the_funnnies ' (andychaps_the-funnies-owner @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ... Mother Superior Is Feeling Superior The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held ...

... you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g, abdomen) A: The body is consisted into three parts ... : Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky. Q: What ...

... Dead Mule In The Churchyard. A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He telephoned the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Pastor to the Health Department. They explained," Since there was no health threat you'll need to call the Sanitation Department" When the pastor called the Sanitation Department, the Manager of the Sanitation Department said," I can't pick up that dead mule without authorization from the mayor" The Pastor was not at all too eager to call the mayor, who possessed a very bad temper and was always extremely unpleasant and hard to deal with, but, eventually, the Pastor called the mayor anyway. The mayor did not disappoint the Pastor. The mayor immediately began to rant and rave. After his continued rant at the pastor, the mayor finally said," Why did you call me any way ...

... Castaway Did you hear the one about the two men who crashed in their private plane onto a South Pacific island? They both survived. One of the men brushed himself off and then proceeded to run all over the island in order to determine their chances for survival. After a thorough search of the island he rushed up to the other man and declared," This island is uninhabited, there is no food, there is no water. We are going to die !" The other man comfortably leaned against the fuselage of the wrecked plane, folded his arms and responded," I make $100, 000 per week" And then was quiet. The first man, realizing his friend must not understand declared again with strong conviction," Listen, we are on an uninhabited island. There is no food, no water. We are going to die !" The other man, unruffled, again responded." Listen, I make $ ...

... Canada Now that Vancouver has won the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions that people all over the world are asking. These questions about Canada were REALLY posted on an International Tourism Website! Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die. Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA) A: Depends on how much you've been drinking. Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles; take lots of water. Q: Are there any ATMs in Canada? Can you send me list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton & Halifax? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of? Q ...

... baptized on the table in the foyer.*Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.*Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.*The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral.*The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church board.*As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.*Fifth Sinday is Lent.*Thank you dead friends.*Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.*Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.*Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.*For the word of God is quick and powerful .piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit.*Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.*Definition: Persons who are shut-in during bath weather.*Bring ...

... we would discover that you've got far more waddle in your walk than is strictly necessary. The way you visually track every bite of food I take, with a trembling expression of frantic pleading, is most annoying. Speaking of walks: We've been taking the same route around the same block for nine years. For you to sob, whine, and tremble every time I get out your leash is just crazy. And would you please stop rolling in road kill? Dead animals smell like .well, like dead fish. There is a reason I give you a bath every single time you roll in something -it is NOT a coincidence. Here's a news flash: Our next-door neighbors LIVE THERE. They have a right to be in their own yard! Stop barking at them through our windows! Your crazed fury is especially irritating in view of the fact that when you actually encounter them in person you flop on your back and let them rub your ...

... piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.*After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.*While your human is sleeping, lie on its face. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive? The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disembowelled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented. After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbour's Pomeranian) are better still living. ...

... theater ?" (Yes! Hey wait, I didn't say that)" If you answered yes to any of these questions, it is probably too late to see a doctor. In fact, you probably lapsed into a coma somewhere after the third question. Have a nice day" Just great, now I've got skull apathy and I'm about to go coma. I zoom home and breathlessly dial my doctor's telephone number, assuring the receptionist that this is a life and death emergency and yes, I have insurance." This is Doctor Spleensplitter"" Doctor Spleensplitter! This is Bruce Cameron! Thank God you answered the phone"" Oh, I'm. I believe I picked up the wrong line"" Dr. Spleensplitter, I've got the top ten reasons to have skull apathy, plus I can feel a coma coming on. You have to help me !"" Skull apathy ?"" Yes"" What sort of symptoms are you experiencing ...

... Australia Factoids. These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website-a Melbourne University Tourism Studies student working in the summer holidays answered. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney-can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A. Sure, it's only three thousand miles, but take lots of water. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden) A: So its true what they say about Swedes. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you ...

... DO ON A DATE?" Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough" Jane age 8" On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date" Martin, age 10 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?" I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns" Craig, age 9 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?" When they're rich" Pam, age 7" The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that" Curt, age 7" The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. ...

... for an hour, which I think was very cruel. December 17-Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. December 20-Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the horrid stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Stupid snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. ...

... his handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle; again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions. They arrived on the 1st hole, a par 4." Please avoid those trees on the left ," said the caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand." That's the mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa; you're lucky I was here with you" After taking a bogey on the hole, they moved to the 2nd, a par 5." Avoid those bushes on the right ," says the caddy. Of course, the businessman's ball went slicing away into the bushes. As he went to pick ...

... King Arthur and the Witch Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question? .What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. ...

... Failing with Style We all fail sometimes, but there's something about failing with style. Here are some of the best test paper blunders from the most clueless-and inventive-of students. CLASSICAL STUDIES Question: Name one of the early Romans ' greatest achievements. Answer: Learning to speak Latin BIOLOGY Question: What is a fibula? Answer: A little lie CLASSICAL STUDIES Question: What were the circumstances of Julius Caesar's death? Answer: Suspicious ones BIOLOGY Question: Give an example of a smoking-related disease. Answer: Early death BIOLOGY Question: What is a plasmid? Answer: A high definition television RELIGIOUS STUDIES Question: Christians only have one spouse, what is this called? Answer: Monotony PHYSICS Question: Name an environmental side effect of burning fossil fuels. Answer: Fire GEOGRAPHY Question: What does the term" lava" mean? Answer: A pre-pubescent caterpillar GEOGRAPHY Question: The race of people known as Malays come from which ...

... husband tells me it's an enormous relief; because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if Santa was a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree; still in the shopping bag. Another problem for a" he-Santa" would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead-gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems-because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds, and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, ...

... is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention. Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe? A. You can tune the lawn mower; and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawn mower and don't return it. Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe? A. Add vibrato. Q. What's the difference between a dead piper in the road and a dead country singer in the road? A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session. Q. What's the range of a bagpipe? A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm. Q. Why are a piper's fingers like lightning? A. They rarely strike the same spot twice. Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune? A. Someone is blowing into it ...

... Bad Dog! This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, 'Did you hear that Fluffy died? ' The guy stammers and says, 'Um. no. um. what happened?. The neighbor replies, 'We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be ...

... every day on something, but they ain't saying anything"" The budget is a mythical bean bag. Congress votes mythical beans into it, and then tries to reach in and pull real beans out"" If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics"" Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke"" The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf"" The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets"" I don't want to complain, but every time they build a tax structure, the first thing they nail is me" [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... berth. Course-The direction in which a skipper wishes to steer his boat and from which the wind is blowing. Also, the language that results by not being able to. Cruising-Fixing your boat in exotic locations. Crew-Heavy, stationary objects used on shipboard to hold down charts, anchor cushions in place and dampen sudden movements of the boom. Current-Tidal flow that carries a boat away from its desire destination, or towards a hazard. Dead Reckoning-a course leading directly to a reef. Deadrise-getting up to check the anchor at 0300. Deviation-any departure from the Captain's orders. Dinghy-the sound of the ship's bell. Displacement-when you dock your boat and can't find it later. Estimated Position-a place you have marked on the chart where you are sure you are not. First Mate-crew member necessary for skippers to practice shouting instructions to. Flashlight-Tubular metal container ...

... first, 7 in the second, 5 in the third ), Haikus are used to communicate timeless messages, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity. The Web site you seek Cannot be located, but Countless more exist. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much. Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that. Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone. Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down. A crash reduces Your expensive computer To a simple stone. Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred. You step in the stream ...

... The Loose End and The Laundry" Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead" Erma Bombeck By some strange twist of fate, I've brought forth a football fanatic. My son is one of those addled creatures whose very DNA, I'm convinced, has a pigskin membrane. Unfortunately for him, he has a mother who wouldn't know a touchdown from a hoedown. For the life of me, I can't understand the appeal of the game – a chaotic mix of men pushing, shoving and bellowing, slobber and obscenities flying. And that's just the fans. But my boy has been hooked from an early age, spending countless hours watching, playing and dreaming about football. He's consumed whole forests of paper drawing intricate plays marked with Xs and Os. And I've grown tearful remembering other Xs and Os my sweet child long ago scribbled on construction-paper cards, right under the words" I Love You, Mommy ...

... " Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk ?" MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said," If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six" STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight." I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window" BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked:" How does it know it's me? SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups." Please ...

... a while later completely full." It's fantastic out here in the world" he told them." So are you going to live with us then ?" one of them asked." I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't" The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised." Why? We thought you liked it here"" I do ," our friend replied." But I must get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Poetic Justice From San Antonio, Texas: This is too funny! This could only be true. you can't make stuff like this up. Clutching their Dillard's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit -no flies, no smell. What business could that poor kitty have had here ?" murmured Ellen." Come on, Ellen, let's just go" But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining," I'll just put my things in your bag, and then I'll take the tissue" She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Dillard's bag and cover it. They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen's burial bag (with the cat) in the ...

... and CO2 is cold water. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin. A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. Liter: A nest of young puppies. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives. The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops. For ...

... to sweep the room with a glance. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. Experience ...

... wife, wrap your mind around this: my man couldn ’ t even remember the name of the church in which we got married. He forgot where we had our first kiss. In two decades of looking at my face, he had failed to notice that I wear pink – not red, never red – lipstick. He didn ’ t know my favorite song or my favorite movie. The man who has memorized the vital statistics of every football player living or dead and who can recite plot lines from umpteen episodes of Law and Order could not recall what I was wearing when he proposed. He was unable even to correctly guess my favorite comfort food – chocolate (duh !). In fact, out of 20 not-so-newlywed questions, we managed to come up with the same answer exactly once. Amazingly, we both knew which part of my body he likes best (none of your business which one). And not surprisingly, we ended ...

... two tickets to Miss Saigon ?"" I'm waiting until I get to be your age"" It didn't seem worth a blood test"" I already have enough laundry to do, thank you"" Because it would take all the spontaneity out of dating"" My co-op board doesn't allow spouses"" I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund"" They just opened a great singles bar on my block"" I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness"" That Witch Doctor of Love I consulted was a fraud"" What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads ?"" I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck"" I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation"" Why aren't you thin ?" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. Q: Is the sun a star? A: Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime. Q: What is a vibration? A: A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. Q: What is a fossil? A: Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to be oil. Q: Define a vacuum. A: Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there. Q: What is exaporation? A: We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. Q: How are clouds formed? A: I am not sure how clouds get formed ...

... a bill in congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that if passed will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every sent e-mail. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flower, character, or program I will receive immediately after I forward this. People are just trying to talk me into doing it to make me look like a fool. The American Red Cross will not donate 50 cents to a certain individual dying of some never heard of before disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations, they don't donate! And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things on to my friends for fear they will think I am not their friend .or by telling me I have no conscious or don't believe in JESUS CHRIST. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks ...

... of the car. There! Perfect! Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand until all of the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk. Always repeat everything you say at least five times. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. A fully grown goat ...

... Polite Insults When Insults Had Class (no 4-letter words ): The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said," If you were my husband I'd give you poison ," and he said," If you were my wife, I'd drink it" A member of Parliament to Disraeli:" Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease"" That depends, Sir ," said Disraeli," on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress"" He had delusions of adequacy"-Walter Kerr" He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire"-Winston Churchill" A modest little person, with much to be modest about"-Winston Churchill" I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure"-Clarence Darrow" He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary"-William Faulkner ...

... and CO2 is cold water. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin. A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. Liter: A nest of young puppies. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives. The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops. For ...

... all could. Rule No. 12: Smoking doesn't make you look cool. It makes you look moronic. Next time you're out cruising, watch an 11-year-old with a butt in his mouth. That's what you look like to anyone over 20. Ditto for" expressing yourself" with purple hair &/ or pierced body parts. Rule No. 13: You are not immortal. (See Rule No. 12) If you are under the impression that living fast, dying young, & leaving a beautiful corpse is romantic, you obviously haven't seen one of your peers at room temperature lately. Rule No. 14: Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school's a bother, & life's depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be a kid. Maybe you should start now. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... ? (A Rebuttal) There is absolutely NO way Santa is female. Here's why: First, Christmas would be late every year. The line at the department store would never move because Santa would feel the need to" bond" with every kid that sat on her lap. The elves would never get any toys made because they'd be too busy telling her," No Santa, those red pants do not make you look fat" What woman would be caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she might break a nail in there. Also, men don't care if they would get covered with ashes and soot while sliding down the chimney. And what about Santa's beard? I'm sure you'll agree that most women look significantly better without facial hair. Besides, a She-Santa would not go out without makeup. If Santa was female, she sure wouldn't have white hair. And she would never wear a hat because it would mess up her ...

... ! Git, Turnip and Tater And Sam and Bosco !"" Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall! Quit shakin the trailer, Or you'll make Santy fall !" The dogs kept a-barkin ' And wouldn't shut up, And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup. Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys. Bubba got most, But left a few for the boys. Since the guns had been dropped He just might not die. He jumped in his sleigh, Told his reindeer to hurry. The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry. Just as the reindeer Got into the air, The trailer collapsed, But Bubba didn't care. He was busy lookin ' At all his new toys. Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys:" Go check on yer Maw, Make sure she's all right. That roof fallin ' on her Could-a hurt just a might" ...

... : 3-4) When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents," I have seen a .woman; now get her for me" If your parents question your decision, simply say," Get her for me. She's the one for me"-Samson (Judges 14: 1-3) Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though).-David (2 Samuel 11) Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law).-Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth) Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.-Solomon (1 Kings 11: 1-3) A wife?. NOT !!!-Paul (1 Corinthians 7: 32-35) [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments ' (TheBible @USA.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Saturday morning with nowhere we have to go and no one special we have to be." We're here to tie the perfect fly, make the perfect cast, catch absolutely nothing, and still call it a perfect morning." We're here to nail a yield sign with an apple core from half a block away. We're here to win the stuffed bear or go broke trying." I don't think the meaning of life is gnashing our bicuspids over what comes after death but tasting all the tiny moments that come before it. We're here to be there when our kid has three goals and an assist. And especially when he doesn't." I don't think we're here to make SportsCenter. The really good stuff never does. Like finding ourselves with a free afternoon, a little red 327 fuel-injected 1962 Corvette convertible, and an unopened map of Vermont's backroads." None of us will find ourselves on our deathbeds saying, 'I wish I'd spent ...

... American. MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone. GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road. ARISTOTLE: It ...

... Why Dogs Shouldn't Use Computers He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work. Three words: carpal paw syndrome. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's browsing www.purina.com instead of working. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating. He can't help attacking the screen when he hears," You've Got Mail" It's too messy to" mark" every Web site he visits. The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms. He can't stick his head out of Windows XP. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her. About then the neighbor's wife, who had just returned from grocery shopping came over, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and badly lacerating his scalp. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him. Seeing his scalp injury, and not having any alcohol, she went to the kitchen, and poured whiskey over a dish towel. Then she returned to pat the bleeding scalp wound on the neighbor man's head, with the whisky soaked dish towel. The neighbors, hearing all the commotion, had called the police. When the police saw the unconscious man, and smelled the whiskey, ...

... left him alone all day"" I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones"" I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her"" Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on them that we'd like to say ourselves, but we wouldn't be caught dead saying"" When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you"" Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross"" You really shouldn't say 'I love you ' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget" [Contributed by: Jimmy & Jennifer-via Jeff Nickerson] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... that everyone can see yours. And imagine the enjoyment of watching broadcast television again, without distraction from those pesky cable channels! Fraternity-Boy Vacation! You'll drink as much beer as you can, then throw up. Later, you'll find that your roommate has locked you out of your room so he can be with his girlfriend, so you'll spend the night on a couch which smells as though it was once used as a place to cure salmon. Witness-Protection-Camp Vacation! After dying your hair and being given a pair of really dark sun glasses, you'll operate a small pet store in Gary, Indiana. Mother-in-Law-Camp Vacation! A self-improvement program like no other! Every single one of your faults will be discussed, in loving detail, while you do your best to practice non-violence. A chronology of your other half's former romances will be revealed, with helpful updates on their lives-every single one of them would apparently have been a better mate for your spouse, ...

... is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass. You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them! [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs ' (LABLaughs @LABLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list She said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals. About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular." I'm going to bed" And he did .without another thought. Any thing extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer? CAUSE WE ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL. (and we can't die sooner, we still have things to do !!!!) Now: GO TO BED! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee in our pants every time we sneeze. When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says," Please stop screaming, Mrs. In-Labor. Calm down and push. Just one more (10 more) good push ," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the nurse and" husbsnd coach" square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed, 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole. After that, it's time to raise those angels, only to find that when all that" cute" wears off, the beautiful ...

... . There's no bank. as soon as someone gets enough money, they leave. The only traffic jam's are caused when a farmer drives down Main Street on his combine. The local phone book has a yellow page. Third Street is on the edge of town. The 7-11 is only open from 8-5. The only road crossing Main Street is a dirt road. At the last beauty contest, nobody won 2nd or 3rd place. The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both direction. There's no place to go that you shouldn't." Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes. The New Year's baby was born in October. [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the_funnnies ' (andychaps_the-funnies-owner @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... You Might be a Preacher You Might be a Preacher if. You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to awaken and discover you really were. You've ever wondered why people couldn't die at more appropriate times. You're leading the church into the 21st century, but you don't know what you're preaching on Sunday. A church picnic is no picnic-for you. You've ever spoken for free and were worth every penny. You said it's Sunday, but Monday's coming! You wonder why the tax seminar leader didn't open with prayer. Instead of getting" ticked off ," you get" grieved in your spirit" You've ever been tempted to take an offering at a family reunion. You'd rather talk to people with every head bowed and every eye closed. You've ever wanted to" lay hands" on a deacon's neck or punch out a council member. You hesitate to tell people what you do for a living. You ever talked to a person ...

... The Day After Christmas (humor) 'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurting-even the mouse. The toys were all broken, their batteries dead; Santa passed out, with some ice on his head. Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while Upstairs the family continued to snore. And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans, Went into the kitchen and started to clean. When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror. The driver was smiling, so lively and grand; The patch on his jacket said" U.S. POSTMAN" With a handful of bills, he grinned like ...

... Two Guys From The U.P. Two guys from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan die and wake up in Hell. The next day the Devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats warming themselves around the fire. The Devil asks them," What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you ?" The two guys reply," Vell, ya know, we're from nordern Michigan, the land and of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, ya know" The Devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, hats and mittens. The Devil asks them again," Its awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that ?" Again the two guys reply," Vell, like we told you yesterday, ...

... occurred to me that I'd eaten a bean burrito for lunch -and that I was just moments away from having it occur to other people as well. The sensation was similar to what happens when you swallow an air hose and then become a professional contortionist. Nearly sobbing with effort, I concentrated on not becoming a human Hindenburg while the instructor continued her sadistic drills without any hint of the promised Polish sausage." Up down ," she commanded." Ache hurt. Pain die" (Again, this might not be exactly what she said) Finally she had us twist ourselves into a position for which the word" impossible" was invented, and I experienced what I suppose might be termed" explosive decompression" It sounded like a tuba player being sat on by an elephant. Everyone looked at me in alarm." It's okay, I feel a lot better now ," I assured them. The people closest to me were so relieved they had ...

... Winterize Your Lawn" Winterize your lawn ," the big sign outside the garden store commanded. I've fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a lot of it die in spite of all my efforts. Now I'm supposed to winterize it? I hope it's too late. Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing we've come up with outside of thong swimsuits! We constantly battle dandelions, Queen Anne's lace, thistle, violets, chicory and clover that thrive naturally, so we can grow grass that must be nursed through an annual four-step chemical dependency. Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis about this:" Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of ...

... CAT'S WORLD. I'M JUST HERE TO OPEN CANS. EARTH IS THE INSANE ASYLUM OF THE UNIVERSE. KEEP STARING; I MAY DO A TRICK. WE GOT RID OF THE KIDS. THE CAT WAS ALLERGIC. DANGEROUSLY UNDER-MEDICATED. MY MIND WORKS LIKE LIGHTNING. ONE BRILLIANT FLASH, AND IT'S GONE. EVERY TIME I HEAR THE DIRTY WORD" EXERCISE ," I WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH CHOCOLATE. CATS REGARD PEOPLE AS WARM-BLOODED FURNITURE. LIVE YOUR LIFE SO THAT WHEN YOU DIE, THE PREACHER WILL NOT HAVE TO TELL LIES AT YOUR FUNERAL. IN GOD WE TRUST. ALL OTHERS WE POLYGRAPH. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... calories into submission. Every guy should be hip about guns. Hand an economics professor a Remington, and even if he's never been within 100 light years of a gun before, he'll work the action, sight down the barrel and generally act like a reincarnation of Daniel Boone or Rambo. When shopping with your mate, do not trail her into the women's lingerie department. Stand clear of those racks of silk-and-lace panties like a mechanic would avoid the Whirling Fan blades of Death. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... to lay low to remain overlooked. I began a new diet of nuts and granola, High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola; And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes, I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes. I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half, And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed; But it was I who was laughing, under my breath, As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death. And sure enough when Black November rolled around, I was the last turkey left in the Turkey compound; So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap; I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap. She held me today, while sewing and humming, And smiled at me and said" Christmas is coming" [Author Unknown-from Catherine Major, via Tim Davis] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Or I could pose as a giant red spoon with Betty Crocker scrawled across my forehead. I could cover myself with foil marked as leftovers. Or maybe I could stick some toy tires on my arms and legs and masquerade as a minivan. In the end, I decided on something very simple. I realized that, in a way, I wear a disguise every day. Every morning, I am transformed from a bleary-eyed creature straight out of Night of the Living Dead into something resembling an attractive human being. I paint my face, and I fix my hair. I get dressed up in slimming garb designed to trick people into thinking I ’ m a treat. So this year, I ’ m going to skip that step and stroll the streets as my" real" self. And my kids will probably think that ’ s the scariest costume of all.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor ...

... ) I don't put things away because. my family will never be able to find them again. (I am considerate) I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because. I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over to dinner. I don't iron because. I choose to believe them when they say" permanent press". (I am trusting) I don't stress much on anything because." A-Type Personalities" die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty old woman !!! [Submitted by Orvie Jensen-from 'WIT and WISDOM '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... . So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog" Of course, the Reverend was taken aback." You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies !" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning," Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie ?" and ending with," Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie" There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the Reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said," All right, give him the dog" [Author Unknown-from DAILY DOSE!] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User-Did God really tell you not to run any programs? And the User answered-God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die. And Bill said to the User-How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless since Windows could replace it. So the User installed the Windows on his computer ...

... every door. Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out. The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh. I will not play" dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true. When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them. I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups. When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are*not*a hammock. Computer and TV ...

... music. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy-a sense of complete and utter boredom. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior. Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some ...

... their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the past seven years. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15, 000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I WILL NOW RETURN THE FAVOR. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will fly over your head at 5: 00 PM and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest ...

... . Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong. The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience:" And in conclusion" If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has. Not only are the sins of the fathers visited upon the children, but nowadays the sins of the children are visited upon the fathers. God Himself does not propose to judge a man till he is dead. So why should you? To make a long story short, don't tell it. If your left hand doesn't know what your right one is doing, you should consider running for a job in Washington. Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set. Peace starts with a smile. I don't know why some people change churches-what difference does it make which one you stay home from? A lot of church members who are singing" Standing on the ...

... you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'What the ?? ' ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, a nd the more you attempt to influence its ...

... been on a horse in more than 40 years. It ’ s amazing what people will do for their grandchildren. We arrived at the stables, and times being what they are, were presented with numerous pages of legalese assuring us that riding a horse is a dangerous activity and that we, as suicidal idiots, were crazy to want to be placed on hooved hazards for the express purpose of inflicting upon ourselves serious injury or, more likely, a slow and painful death. The stables, therefore, could not be held responsible. I found myself thinking that John Wayne would never have signed such a statement. “ Well, Pilgrim ,” he ’ d have said, “ we best just get on outta here ” We signed on the bottom line, though, and having dispensed with the legalities, prepared to mount our trusty rides. In deference to her age, the two young wranglers who would accompany us brought my mother a step stool ...

... moving experience. We had an enthusiastic National Park Service guide who gave us all the salient historical details and then threw in some interesting tidbits, like the fact that the youngest signer of the Declaration of Independence was 26 and the oldest – acclaimed kite-flyer Ben Franklin – was 70. The guide also reminded us of Franklin ’ s stirring comment as he added his signature and anticipated all the Fourth of July barbecues to come, “ Give me good potato salad or give me death !” OK, I made that last part up. Franklin actually reminded his fellow signers that the cantankerous King George III would not be happy with their declaration." We must all hang together ,” Franklin famously said “ or, most assuredly, we shall all hang separately" Good old Ben, always throwing a wet blanket on the festivities. Our guide described the turmoil swirling around Philadelphia in July of 1776 as the Continental Congress debated the Declaration. Standing in the hallowed room ...

... Training Courses Now Available for Men Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference! If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore! Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels! Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper! Giving Back ...

... up, but what I saw renewed my faith in the Good Lord. I tell you, Brother, I seen miracle after miracle! My Sunday School superintendent, Hank Weaselbaum had called to tell me that he was so deathly sick, he wouldn't make it to church. But there he was, drivin ' down the road with his favorite fishin ' pole stickin ' out the window. I tell you, only a miracle coulda ' snatched him out'a the jaws of death that way! Then there was my head deacon, Wilbur Snooch. He had done left a message on my answerin ' machine that his back was so jerked out'a line that he thought he might have to have surgery. But I want you to know that when we drove past the golf course, there he was, hittin ' golf balls on the drivin ' range. Hallelujah, our prayers worked! Edna Brump sent word with her sister that she wouldn't make it 'cause ...

... 32. 30. 29. 28. 27. 26. 25. 24. 23. 22. 21. 20. 19. 18. 17. 16. 14. 13. 12. 11. 10. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. Act naturally Found missing Resident alien Advanced BASIC Genuine imitation Airline Food Good grief Same difference Almost exactly Government organization Sanitary landfill Alone together Legally drunk Silent scream British fashion Living dead Small crowd Business ethics Soft rock Military Intelligence Software documentation New York culture New classic Sweet sorrow Childproof" Now, then" Synthetic natural gas Christian Scientists Passive aggression Taped live Clearly misunderstood Peace force Extinct Life Temporary tax increase Plastic glasses Terribly pleased Computer security Political science Tight slacks Definite maybe Pretty ugly Twelve-ounce pound cake Diet ice cream Rap music Working vacation Exact estimate Friendly Fire And the Number one top OXY-Moron, 1. Microsoft Works [Author Unknown-from 'Kevin Rayner ' (otchurch ...

... a full mile wide, this tornado can turn a bus into a Pinto, then gift wrap it in a semi truck. F5: The Mother of all Tornadoes, you might as well stand on your front porch and watch it, because it's probably going to be quite a last sight. Meteorologist: A rather soft-spoken, mild-mannered type person until severe weather strikes, and they start yelling at you through the t.v:" GET TO YOUR BATHROOM OR YOU'RE GOING TO DIE !" Storm Chaser: Meteorologist-rejects who are pretty much insane but get us really cool pictures of tornadoes. We release them from the mental institution every time it starts thundering, just to see what they'll do. Tranquilizer: What you have to give any dog or cat, who lived through a previous tornado, every time it storms, or they tear your whole house up freaking out. Moore, Oklahoma: A favorite gathering place for tornadoes. They like to meet there and ...

... low personal standards and then occasionally fails to achieve them. Student has been working with glue too much. When the student's IQ reaches 50, he / she should sell. Student has a photogenic memory but the lens cover is glued on. The 'Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. If you give the student a penny for his / her thoughts, you would get change. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Mom's Last Laugh Consumed by my loss, I didn't notice the hardness of the pew I sitting on. I was at the funeral of my dearest friend-my mother. She finally had lost her long battle with cancer. The hurt was so intense, I found it hard to breathe at times. Always supportive, Mother clapped loudest at my school plays, held a box of tissues while listening to my first heartbreak, comforted me at my father's death, encouraged me in college, and prayed for me my entire life. When Mother's illness was diagnosed, my sister had a new baby and my brother had recently married his childhood sweetheart, so it fell on me, the 27-year-old middle child without entanglements, to take care of her. I counted it an honor." What now, Lord ?" I asked sitting in church. My life stretched out before me as an empty abyss. My brother sat stoically with his face toward ...

... work, or apparently do anything but sit. Backfield-in-Motion-Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service. Staying in the Pocket-What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work. Two-minute Warning-The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings. Instant Replay-The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations. Sudden Death-What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes" overtime". Trap-You're called on to pray and are asleep. End Run-Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member. Flex Defense-The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life. Halfback Option-The decision of 50 %of the congregation not to return for the evening service. Blitz-The rush for the ...

... get-together, no one cared whether They impressed their classmates or not. The mood was informal, a whole lot more normal; By this time we'd all gone to pot. It was held out-of-doors, at the lake shores; We ate hamburgers, coleslaw, and beans. Then most of us lay around in the shade, In our comfortable T-shirts and jeans. By the fortieth year, it was abundantly clear, We were definitely over the hill. Those who weren't dead had to crawl out of bed, And be home in time for their pill. And now I can't wait as they've set the date; Our sixtieth is coming, I'm told. It should be a ball, they've rented a hall At the Shady Rest Home for the old. Repairs have been made on my old hearing aid; My pacemaker's been turned up on high. My wheelchair is oiled, and my teeth have been boiled; And I've bought a new wig ...

... surfaces. This is why Santa is often seen with a red nose (the sleigh doesn't have an airbag, either). Q: Why do we wish people a" Merry Christmas" instead of a" Happy Christmas "? A: The two are about the same, but with" Merry Christmas" an extra twinkle is seen in the eyes. Q: Why is a Christmas tree that has been chopped down called a" live Christmas tree ?" A: It's dead but doesn't know it, and yet it's having the time of its life. Q: Why do we wrap our Christmas gifts with paper? A: Because we like to see surprise and joy (real or kindly faked) in the recipients. Q: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? A: Nowadays, only four angels can dance there. Formerly there was no limit, but OSHA passed the Angel Safety Law recently, which also requires ...

... , there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and after church, asked:" Gary, whatever made you do such a thing ?" Gary answered soberly:" I asked God to teach me to whistle. And He just then did !" ~~~~~~~ One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer." Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, if I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take" ~~~~~~~ A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night." Dear God, thank you for these pancakes" When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said," I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight" ~~~~~~ A little boy's prayer." Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy ...

... will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh. Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window. I will not play" dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true. When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them. I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups. When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are*not*a hammock. Computer and TV ...

... with a pro! AND AWAY WE GO! The next day we went shopping, very much to his dismay, I didn't buy him 501s or shirts designed by Nike. I had called and talked to the C. S. D, they said that they didn't really care, If I bought him Volume shoes, or a pair of Nike Airs. AND THEN: I cancelled his appointment with DMV, so he could test his driving SKILLS, I'd probably be dead by now for sure, If only looks could kill! I SAID: By-the-way, I don't have time to stop and eat, or pick up stuff for you to munch, I think you should follow C. S. D 's advice, And make yourself a big sack lunch. So, you say what? that you're not hungry, that you can wait til dinner time? Well, I am fixing liver and onions, Cause that a favorite dish of mine ...

... n) The team that everybody supports, but nobody goes to watch. KAPPA: (n) What members of sororities or fraternities wear on their headas. KITCHENETTE: (n) A small, thin person working in the cafeteria kitchen. KLUTZ: (n) What you discover your lab partner is when you ask him to slowly pour the sulfuric acid into the beaker you're holding. LAB: (n) A room full of icky, funny-looking creatures and the dead frogs they dissect. LETTERMEN: (n) Scholarship athletes who proudly wear letter sweaters proclaiming the vowel or consonant they have mastered. LIBERAL ARTS: (n) See:" Would you like fries with that ?" LOUNGE: (n) Any area in a dorm, union or classroom building where the only furniture that isn't soiled, ripped or scarred is immediately stolen. MAJOR: (n) Area of study that no longer interests you. MIDNIGHT OIL: (n ...

... (Cookies) Dozens:__ Clean clothes! Relationships:_What?_I am in love with myself._I am in love!_I am engaged._I got married last weekend. My Roommate:_Worships the ground I walk on._Gave me a black eye._Committed suicide and left a note blaming me._Has fleas. My Professors are:_Sadistic water walkers._Mental institution escapees._Brain dead nerds._Super oxygen thieves. Latest News:_I wrecked the car._I can't use your credit card because I exceeded the credit limit._You are going to have a grandchild._False alarm -you aren't going to have a grandchild. Food:_Is great!_Even makes me appreciate your cooking_I have had pizzas and soda for the last twenty meals._I stopped eating out of fear. Grades:_I am making ...

... 3: 00 P.M. Arrive back at camp. 3: 30 P.M. Leave camp to kill a deer. 4: 00 P.M. Return to camp for bullets. 4: 01 P.M. Load gun-leave camp again. 5: 00 P.M. Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you. 6: 00 P.M. Arrive at camp, see deer grazing in camp. 6: 01 P.M. Load gun and fire. 6: 02 P.M. One dead pick-up truck. 6: 04 P.M. Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer. 6: 06 P.M. Repress strong desire to shoot partner. 6: 07 P.M. Fall into the camp fire. 6: 10 P.M. Change clothes-throw burned ones into fire. 6: 15 P.M. Take pick-up, leave partner and his deer in the woods. 6: 25 P.M. Pick-up boils over-hole shot in radiator. 6: 26 P.M. Start ...

... Duct Tape It is not widely known that Duct tape was first developed for use as medical bandaging material during World War II. It did keep soldiers from bleeding to death, but pulling it off caused more damage and pain than the original bullet wound so it was quickly abandoned for more conventional bandaging. The military started looking for other uses for this amazing product and the rest is history. Duct tape comes in a variety of colors (the newest is clear ), but my favorite is the original silver / gray. It is with great pride and honor that we offer this list of" Unconventional Uses for Duct Tape. Unconventional Uses for Duct Tape... Hang a strip of duct tape from the ceiling for an instant fly trap. Super seal your tax return envelope with duct tape to annoy the IRS. And when you've finished your taxes, patch the fist hole in your wall with duct tape. Lost in the woods? Not ...

... CBS is on line 3. You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town. You see the cruise captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket. They pay your wages out of petty cash. You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had. Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget. The simple instructions enclosed-aren't. A black cat crosses you path and drops dead. You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife. You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together. Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee. The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm. The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one long look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this message on the screen: DEAREST WIFE, JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE. [Author Unknown-from Julie] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... . But not to fear, ladies and gents, God blessed me with intelligence. All fires are quenched by water thrown, That's one sure thing I've always known. So thinking quickly I pour some in, Then I see a frightening thing begin. A fiery face came to my eyes, It must be Satan in disguise! It grabbed the stove in a flaming grasp! I screamed, and gave a frightened gasp. What happened next I can't describe, But death threatened by my side. Let loose a wild lion in my den, But never, ever, will I cook again !!! [Author Unknown-from 'The Funny Bone '-Ed: anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Cooking Terms Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat. Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow. Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid. Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words" Putrid ,"" hORRId ," and" sluDGE" Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned not only when the food is removed, but when it is put in the oven. Oven ...

... money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitchell bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last! Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded," What happened, Father ?" All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost! Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you! The priest nodded wisely and said" That's the problem with you Protestants. you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites" [Author ...

... Law VII Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. Cartoon Law VIII Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives, might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container. Cartoon Law IX Everything falls faster than an anvil. Cartoon Law X For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. Cartoon Law ...

... A Dog's Life" If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise"-Unknown" Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant"-Unknown" Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies"-Gene Hill" In dog years, I'm dead"-Unknown" To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs"-Aldous Huxley" A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down"-Robert Benchley" Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives"-Sue Murphy" I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves"-August Strindberg" No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation"-Fran Lebowitz ...

... forget to eat. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said," Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning ?" Clear as a bell my body said," Listen witch. do it and die" The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff. If men can run the world, why can't they stop ...

... Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can no longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there's nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put down only 4000 years ago. RAISINS: Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth. SALT: It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours. SPICES: Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will. VINEGAR: If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good. EXPIRATION DATES: This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen. [Author Unknown- ...

... %of us pop our zits 33 %of women lie about their weight 10 %of us claim to have seen a ghost 57 %have had deja vu 49 %believe in ESP 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids The average girl starts her period at age 12 44 %have broken a bone Only 30 %of us know our cholesterol level 14 %have attended a self-help meeting 15 %regularly go to a shrink 78 %would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home 46.5 %of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up 30 %of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat 54.2 %of us always wash our hands after using the toilet 23.5 %admit they don't always flush 45.2 %pee in the shower 44.9 %pee in the ocean 28.1 %pee in the pool 55.2 %will let someone else come in the ...

... , sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's owner Dr. Eskin and its steward Benny who managed to swim to the closest island. After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found. The other man was quite calm, relaxing against a tree." Dr. Eskin, Dr. Eskin, how can you be so calm ?" cried the Benny." We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered here"" Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Benny ," began the confident Dr. Eskin." Five years ago I gave the United Way $500, 000. and another $500, 000. to the United Jewish Appeal. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, since I did very well in the stock market, I contributed $750, 000 ...

... Smokes'll cause lung cancer. Cheese'll constipate. But prunes'll make you scour some And make your tum gyrate. Saccharin'll give you tumors. Cyclamates'll too Red dye'll stain your innards And give you Green Gomboo. Salt'll boost blood pressure up. Pepper makes you sneeze. Florides freckle up your teeth, And knobby-up your knees Pork'll give trichinosis Which makes your muscles balk. Rabbit'll" tootleream" you Or cause your jaws to lock. So don't partake of nothin ' And you won't die. I guess. Everything is dangerous. Some more and some less. [Wallace McRae-from John Traver] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her. About then the neighbor's wife, who had just returned from grocery shopping came over, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and badly lacerating his scalp. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him. Seeing his scalp injury, and not having any alcohol, she went to the kitchen, and poured whiskey over a dish towel. Then she returned to pat the bleeding scalp wound on the neighbor man's head, with the whisky soaked dish towel. The neighbors, hearing all the commotion, had called the police. When the police saw the unconscious man, and smelled the whiskey, ...

... Influence of Rock On Elijah on Mt. Carmel: FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY 400 Killed On the birth of Christ: HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple On feeding the 5, 000: PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH Disciples Mystified Over Behavior On healing the 10 lepers: LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED" Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy On healing of the Gadarene demoniac: MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE Local Farmer's Investment Lost On raising Lazarus from the dead: FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK Will Reading to be Delayed [Kevin Rayner (http :// groups.yahoo.com / group / off-the-church-walls)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... in a half-sob." This is the jungle. Animals live here" He frowns." My name's Doug" The beautiful National Forest was clearly designed for thinner people. The trees are so tightly packed together I can barely squeeze between them. We haven't gone five minutes before I've slipped over a rock and fallen in thick mud." Quicksand !" I gasp." Help me, Fred !" My son leans over to take a picture of me sinking to my death." You're fine ," Johnson claims." Hey, what kind of shoes are those? Loafers? You wore loafers to hike in ?"" No, I wore loafers to CAMP in ," I point out." Nobody said anything about hiking. Why couldn't we have stayed by the truck ?"" That was a parking lot"" And wouldn't you agree that a parking lot is a perfect place for LOAFERS ?" I snap, deftly demolishing his argument. We move ...

... of county fairs and carnivals, I made up my mind that there would be absolutely no throwing darts, tossing Ping-Pong balls, shooting baskets, or any other kind of physical action that might result in winning a prize. However, any fool knows that all of the good rides are on the carnival midway-strategically placed somewhere between the coin toss and the rubber ducky pond. And sure enough one sunny afternoon, as we were strolling towards the Tilt O Whirl of Death minding our own business, I heard a voice call out from the water gun races ," Win a jumbo Pokemon of your choice! Only one dollar !" I tried to ignore it, but I could tell by the way my five-year old son was jumping up and down and pulling on my elbow, that it was too late." Hey, Mom ," he said." Can I try? Pleeeeease ?" I considered telling him all about the mysterious force and the flashing ...

... On My Brakes And Sue You Jesus Loves You-The Rest Of Us Think You're An Idiot. Forget World Peace-Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal! Hang Up And Drive! Where There's A Will. I Want To Be In It! Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again? This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away? This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway Honk If Anything Falls Off He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Is Miles From The Next Exit I Haven't Lost My Mind-It's Backed-Up On Disk Somewhere [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Building a Campfire Building a campfire is easy. Just follow these sixteen steps (in order ): Split dead limb into fragments, and shave one fragment into slivers. Bandage left thumb. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments. Bandage left foot. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand). Light Match. Light Match. Repeat" a Scout is cheerful ," and light match. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire. Apply burn ointment to nose. When fire is burning, collect more wood. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled" kerosene" Treat face and arms for second-degree burns. Relabel can to read" gasoline" When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood. When the thunder storm has passed, repeat all steps. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All ...

... paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of the big cliffs by a lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 100-foot drop and says:" Dis looks like a grand place" He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says:" Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me" BUT WAIT !!!! There's MORE! PART TWO: Moments later, Knut arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other." Hey, Ole. Watch dis ," Knut says. He takes ...

... the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. he also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistels were the wives of the apostles. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony. [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies ' (Andychap @aol.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net ...

... Explain God (third grade homework assignment)" One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth"" He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk, He can just leave that to mothers and fathers"" God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime"" God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off"" God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which ...

... have someone care for your every need. Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or many other places? No problem, there are always cruise ships ready and willing to take you where ever you would like to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home. Just plan on calling me on" shore-to-ship" satellite telephone. P.S. And when death comes, there are no ridiculously high funeral expenses to be paid-they give you a sea burial-no extra charge. [Author Unknown-from Sherry, via 'LABLaughs ' (LABLaughs @LABLaughs.com)-Ed: Anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... laconic teenage son – the one destined for a career as a comedian or possibly a member of Congress – tells me that his religion forbids any activity between sunup and sundown. I congratulate him on his staunch adherence to his faith. Even our Labrador seems nearly comatose in these dog days. The other members of my lay-about lot are deeply involved in endless, banal bickering. They argue over the color of the sky or which one of them is the biggest brat (dead even, I ’ d say) or whether Mom or Dad has more wrinkles (wisely, they chose Dad). They ’ ve all become a bunch of hibernating bears, apparently storing up fat for the winter by barely moving. They ’ re even too weak, poor things, to feed themselves. “ Mom !” they will wail from the living room, where they have actually become part of the furniture and now require dusting. “ We ’ re hungry! ...

... from Sears And Women From Nordstroms I believe that, in general, women are saner than men. For example, If you see people who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male. Without males, there would be no such sport as professional lawn mower racing. Also, there would be a 100 percent decline in the annual number of deaths related to efforts to shoot cans off of heads. Also, if women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be, I sincerely believe this, virtually no military conflicts, and if there were a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of thoughtful notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon (which would be salads, with the dressing on the side) ...

... and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me Are you listening to me !? = [Too late, you're dead] [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person." Yes ," said the policeman." The detectives want very badly to capture him" Little Johnny asked," Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?"-When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life in such a manner that you rejoice, and the world cries when you die. Indian Proverb [Source Unknown-from Ashley] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Mammogram Appointment I know my memory's fading. I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I chose a seat next to a man and his wife in the waiting room. Both the chairs and conversations were so comfortable that before long I'd totally forgotten why I was there and asked the man." So. what are you here for ?" Talk about a show stopper. Dead silence just as" Nurse Ratchet" announced my name in her best baritone voice. I thought," Great. now he has a name to match the idiot's face" I rushed past the giggles and hurried after the angel of no mercy. Rounding the corner, I was met with," Hi! I'm Belinda !" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned," Allll I need you to do is step into this room right heeere, strip to the waist, thennnn slip on this gown. Everything clearrrr ...

... to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you. PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis. WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18, because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it, and wish you could only do more. BENEFITS: No health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered-however, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life, if you play your cards right. [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead '-Ed: anon. ...

... clinician will offer the most advice and the least support. The absurdity of the suggestion is directly proportional to the distance from the bedside. As soon as you finish a thirty minute dressing the doctor will come in, and take a look at the wound. The disoriented patient always comes from a Nursing Home whose beautiful paperwork has no phone number on it. Your nose will itch the very moment your gloved hands get contaminated with bodily fluids. The patient who has been dying all night finally meets his maker 12.5 minutes before shift change. You walk out of a patient's room after you've asked them if they need anything: they will put the call bell on as you are about three quarters the way down the hall. The patient furthest away from the nurses ' station rings the call bell more often than the patient nearest to the nurses ' station. The doctor with the worst handwriting and most original use of the English Language will be responsible for ...

... The Parachute Paradigm You are one of" two" people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react? Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway. Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before. Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute. Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions. Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline. Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment. Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too. Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings. Engineer: you make them another parachute ...

... guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says," I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book"" How current is your copy ?" he asks." I get a download every ten minutes ," St. Peter replies," why do you ask ?"" I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was immanent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet"" I'm glad to hear that ," Pete says," but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life ?" The guys thinks for a moment and says," Humm, well there was this one time when I was drivin ' down a road and I saw a giant group of ...

... it"" The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator"-Bill Lawrence" The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because she knows that the average man can see much better than he can think"-Ladies Home Journal" A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband"-Michel de Montaingne" Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse"-Arthur Baer" Marriage is a great institution-but I'm not ready for an institution yet"-Mae West" When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her"-Sacha Guitry" You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married and a few words in your sleep to get divorced"" If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you can't afford divorce ...

... Observations Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think," Well, that's not going to happen" Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. The other night I ate at a really nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder in the car these days no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to? You know when you're sitting on a chair, and you lean back so you're just on two legs. then you lean too far, and you almost fall over, but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time. According to a recent survey, men say that the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes. And women say that the first thing they notice about men ...

... . Worse, the exertion triggers the very symptom the pills are supposed to address, so that I am caught trying to run around the room without BREATHING. The children abandon me at this point, leaving me alone with the butt blaster. When I finally am forced to inhale, my eyes tear so badly I can no longer see my adversary. Frankly, I don't think the dog WANTS to get better. This is the same animal who delights in rolling in dead squirrel parts, so that her fur is imbued with a stench is so powerful every canine in the neighborhood howls with envy. Whenever she rattles the room with a butt blaster, her eyes take on a radiant gleam, a" hey, that was my best one yet !" expression which is undiminished by the fact that the rest of her family is gagging and falling to the floor. My son claims to have an idea which will solve our problem. I'm not sure ...

... horse won't fit, and you can dance with him as you listen to the latest tunes. THE RANCH-The most dependable animal available. He will go where ever you ask him to, at whatever speed is appropriate. You can tie him to the stop sign and he will be there when you get back. Best of all, this model has been specially engineered to be able to go without water for days and stay fat and slick by eating sagebrush and dead prairie grass. Of course all models are available in base colors (sorrel, bay, black) Special order colors are available (dun, gray, palomino) and for an additional fee, custom paint jobs are also available (overo, tobiano, blanket, leopard). No horse is sold with a warranty, however maintenance plans are available in the event brakes, steering, or accelerator fail. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational ...

... Learned On the Net I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1, 387, 258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15, 000 that Bill Gates / Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363, 214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or ...

... . Your great grandfather's newspaper obituary states that he died leaving no issue of record. Another genealogist has just insulted the keeper of the vital records you need. The relative who had all the family photographs gave them all to her daughter who has no interest in genealogy and no inclination to share. The only record you find for your great grandfather is that his property was sold at a sheriff's sale of insolvency. The one document that would supply the missing link in your dead end line has been lost due to fire, flood, or war. The town clerk to whom you wrote for the information sends you a lon handwritten letter which is totally illegible. The spelling of your European ancestor's name bears no relationship to its current spelling or pronunciation. None of the pictures in your recently deceased grandmother's photo album have names written on them. No one in your family tree ever did anything noteworthy, owned property, was sued or was named in a ...

... to hit a second drive to really appreciate the first one. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it. You can hit a two-acre fairway 10 %of the time, and a two-inch branch 90 %of the time. A stroke does not occur unless it is observed by more than one golfer. 99.99 %of all matter is empty space, but that last .01 %will stop a golf ball dead. If your ball disappears in the fairway of a blind hole, it's probably because it rolled into an anti-divot and vaporized. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe. It's always winter somewhere. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the ...

... beliefs of Government Official (TM)*_ Orders from boss / superior officer / foreign government*_ Blackmail*_ Celebrity endorsement 5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned Government Official (TM )?_If you answered" yes ," please indicate your reason (s) for changing models.*_ Excessive operating / maintenance costs.*_ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model.*_ Defect in current model:*_ Dead*_ Senile*_ Indicted*_ Convicted*_ Resigned in disgrace*_ Switched parties / beliefs*_ Outbribed by competing interest Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: when you choose a" Government Official (TM )," you have chosen the best politician money can buy. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.~Robert Lynd If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.~Horace G. Hutchinson They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.~Gardner Dickinson If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.~Sam Snead Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.~William Wordsworth If you drink, don't drive~Don't even putt.~Dean Martin If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up.~Tommy Bolt Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in ...

... still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the bayou and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and not just some drunk. About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other," Look Boudreaux, ...

... The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly. You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car. You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window. Yo u actually burn your hand opening the car door. You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7: 30 a.m. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is," What if I get knocked out and end uplying on the pavement and cook to death ?" You realize that asphalt has a liquid state. The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and addbutter, salt and pepper. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiledeggs. The cows are giving evaporated milk. Ah, what a place to call home. God Bless Our State of FLORIDA! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... For Lexophiles (lovers of words) A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway) Time flies like an arrow-Fruit flies like a banana. A backward poet writes inverse. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine ...

... can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too! Adults are just kids who owe money. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? I work 40 hours a week to be this poor. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2? Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. Too may freaks, not enough circuses. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth. Earth is full. Go home. Is it time for your medication or mine? I plead contemporary insanity. And which dwarf are you? I refuse to star in your psychodrama. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just ...

... material. Ditto for any humorous bits about my dog, who is grateful for the attention. If I have to do any reading or, heaven forbid, deep thinking in order to produce a column, charges will go up dramatically. Actually, if I have to do any thinking at all, you ’ re going to be paying the price. And if I have to leave my house, especially in business attire, you ’ ll pretty much be nickel-and-dimed to death. Kind of like the airlines and the phone companies are doing. A fee will be levied for every laugh-out-loud line provided in one my columns. Readers who wish to challenge these fees must provide proof that they did not so much as snicker. Guffaws will garner an additional charge, and anything that causes genuine belly rolling will be assessed at the very highest rates. Additional fees will be incurred against any reader who fails to realize my column is not to be taken seriously ...

... , she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained," a man doth not live by sweat alone" It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which, is another name for marriage. Addendum-Of course, none of us ever said or wrote things like this when we were in school. :) [Author Unknown ...

... think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. OK, so what's the speed of dark? When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? Why do psychics have to ask you your name? Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering," What the heck happened ?" Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. [Author Unknown-from Kent, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational ...

... Nora We read Thos. Edison made light. But in Sun. school they said you did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna Dear God, If you let the dinasor not exstinct we would not have a country. You did the right thing. Jonathan Dear God. here's a poem: I love you because you give us what we need to live But I wish you would tell me why you made it so we have to die. Daniel (age 8) Dear God it is great the way you always get the stars in the right places. Jeff God: the bad people laughed at noah-you make an ark on dry land you fool. But he was smart he stuck with you. thats what I would do. Eddie Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are God. ...

... . I can't eat raspberries, I am allergic, John advises. What would happen, Dean taunts, would your body swell up until it is fat as your head? Let's have a pi*ata, Tina suggests, that would be fun. Yeah, John agrees, especially if Dean is the pi*ata. The best polka band in all the world is right here in Boise, Uncle Lou exults. For your information if I eat raspberries I could die, John declares. I don't like raspberries either, Tina confesses. He just sits in his chair and tells me to turn up the heat, Aunt Liddy reports. I'd be happy to be toastmaster again, Uncle Lou offers. Please Bruce, Tina writes privately, don't let Uncle Lou have the microphone, last time he almost gave me brain damage. WILL PEOPLE WANT ICE CREAM WITH THEIR RASPBERRY PIE? (Uncle Lou, instead of a toastmaster this time let's just ...

... intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of" Santa" does happen to be" Satan ," there is no evil connotation to our own" little man in a red suit" Patty Lewis, Human Ratraces December 10th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Vegetarians-I've had it with you people !! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not; you can just sit at the table farthest from the" grill of death ," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard the scream. I'm hearing them right now. Ha Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Patty Leiws, Human December 14th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue ...

... TV broken? Light bulb needs changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them. If you fall in the Nursing Home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess Ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. And when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...