... St. Peter, calmly replies," That will give you an additional 1000 points. Welcome to the heavenly kingdom !" Addendum-Ephesians 2: 8-9 (NIV)" For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-not by works, so that no one can boast" [Author unknown-from Stan] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ... by, you guessed it, St. Peter. Peter says," It takes 1000 points to enter heaven" The man puffs up and says," That should be no trouble. I am a Presbyterian elder who has been faithfully married for 60 years" St. Peter says," That will give you a point" The man is troubled but unruffled and says," I am a staunch Republican and have never missed voting in a national election. I was ...

... found feverishly, frankly facing facts. Frustrated by failure and filled with foreboding he forthwith fled to his family. Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly. 'Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited family favour ' But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching frantically flagged the flunkies. 'Fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast ' But the fugitive's fault-finding frater frowned on the fickle forgiveness of the former folderol. His fury flashed. But fussing was futile, for ... The Prodigal Son Parable in the Key of" F" Feeling footloose and frisky, a feather-brained fellow forced his fond father to fork over the family finances. He flew far to foreign fields and frittered his fortune feasting fabulously with faithless friends. Finally facing famine and fleeced by his fellows in folly, he found himself a feed-flinger in a filthy farmyard. Fairly famished he fain would have filled his frame with the foraged foods of the fodder fragments left by the filthy farmyard ...

... to it things we ’ ve already accomplished. This gives us a definite sense of purpose, and that ’ s the only real reason to have resolutions in the first place. Midyear declarations – like middle-aged muscles – tend to be a little loose and flabby. We can fit pretty much anything inside them. Here, for example, are just some of the accomplishments I ’ ve been able to add to (and check off) my midyear list: I will faithfully watch exercise videos each morning as I enjoy my coffee and donuts, resolving to begin actual exercise very soon. I will be a master of multitasking, faithfully writing out a to-do list each day as I watch exercise videos while enjoying coffee and donuts. Then I will faithfully spill coffee on my list, rendering it illegible and making it impossible for me to do anything on that list. I will faithfully take a shower every day, even when I have to then dash ...

... God's Miracles. Our Response? A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says" get in, get in !" The religious man replies," no I have faith in God, He will grant me a miracle" Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in God and God will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again 'cause" God will grant him a miracle" When the water was chin high, a helicopter crew sees the man, and throws down a ladder, and they tell him to climb aboard. Mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the offer of help for the faith of God. The water continues ...

... rimmed with red." I'll tell you what's wrong. EVERYTHING is wrong, from that infernal misnamed sheep over there, to fist-fights in the stable, to a kid who can't say a simple word like frankincense, to. Well, you name it. There is no way this pageant is going to be ready by tomorrow night" Pastor Spicknal put a fatherly hand on Miss Swickey's heaving shoulders." There now. Everything will be fine. Just have a little faith. Remember what Jesus said about the mustard seed and moving the mountain"" What I really need is the mountain to fall on me, Pastor" Pastor Spicknal patted the woman lightly on the shoulder and smiled." Take my advice, Miss Swickey. Believe that the pageant will go on with the minimum of trouble, and it will" Then he was gone." A lot you know about it ," Miss Swickey grumbled under her breath as the pastor disappeared through ...

... Church Signs Reported to be actual church signs. Free Trip to heaven. Details inside! Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins. Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here! Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons-come hear one! (Ouch !) A singing group called" The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor changed the outside sign to read," The Resurrection is postponed" People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are. God so loved the world that He did not send a committee. Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush! When down in the mouth, remember Jonah; he came out all right! Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday. Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily. How will you spend eternity-Smoking or ...

... We Walk By Faith, Not By Sight A first grade class was listening to the teacher who was attempting to explain evolution to the children, and that God doesn't exist. The teacher asked: Tommy, do you see the tree outside? Tommy: Yes. Teacher: Tommy, do you see the grass outside? Tommy: Yes. Teacher: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky. Tommy: OK. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky. Teacher: Did you see God? Tommy: No. Teacher: That's my point. We can't see God because he doesn't exist. Jamie raised her hand, and wanted to ask Tommy some questions. The teacher agreed. Jamie: Tommy, do you see the tree outside? Tommy: Yes. Jamie: Tommy, do you see the grass outside? Tommy: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by ...

... cat" [Ellen Perry Berkeley]" One cat just leads to another" [Ernest Hemingway]" Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later" [Mary Bly]" Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia" [Joseph Wood Krutch]" People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life" [Faith Resnick]" There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats" [Anonymous]" I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior" [Hippolyte Taine]" No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me" [Unknown]" There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats" [Albert Schweitzer]" The cat has ...

... smell them too. Occasionally, I was invited in for tea parties. These were formal affairs at which I was expected to wear a pretty hat and conduct myself in a manner befitting my lovely surroundings. Sometimes I succeeded at this, but often-too often-I was so preoccupied with the day's must-do tasks that I failed to fully enjoy the garden party. Many days, after I'd excused myself and rushed out, she would carry on the party with her faithful, fuzzy friends. Later, I'd find her curled up on the bench asleep, her head resting on them. Sadly or not – depending on your perspective-the garden room is no more. My flower child has grown into a teenager, a Mary Quite Contrary who has long been embarrassed by her blooming bedroom. So this summer we finally updated it. We took down the bench and its fencing and put them in the garage. We removed the prettily painted shelf ...

... stinky laundry; we have plenty of nice clothes to wear. And I would like to thank you, Lord, for those unmade beds; they were so warm and comfortable last night. I know that many have no bed. My thanks to you, Lord, for this bathroom, complete with all the splattered mirrors, soggy, grimy towels and dirty lavatory; they are so convenient. Thank you for this finger-smudged refrigerator that needs cleaning. It has served us faithfully for many years. It is full of cold drinks and enough leftovers for two or three meals. Thank you, Lord, for this oven that absolutely must be cleaned today; It has baked so many things over the years. The whole family is grateful for that tall grass that needs mowing; we all enjoy the yard. My kids are healthy and able to run and play. Lord, the presence of all these chores awaiting me says You have richly blessed my ...

... Son To Israel A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home." Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers ," the son said." It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity"" Oi vey ," replied the father," what have I done" So in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace." It is amazing that you should come to me ," stated his friend," I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian" So in the tradition of the patriarchs they went to the Rabbi." It is amazing that ...

... state, hanging like hoodlums off the shelf or brazenly bunched up in the corner. Towels that earlier were well-behaved are suddenly mingling with sheets and pillowcases on unauthorized shelves. As neither my children nor my husband avows any knowledge of how they got there, I have to assume the terrible towels are in total revolt. There ’ s also the matter of moisture. Our towels have a strange mania for mildew. They will leap off the hooks on which they have been faithfully hung after being used to dry off a humid (and hopefully clean) human. Then they will insist on lying unmoved for hours, amassing smelly spores and funky fungi. Sometimes, they will even fling themselves into closets and under beds where they will be unlikely to be discovered for days. By then, they ’ ll have hardened into crustily creative origami with little resemblance to their former folded finery. It ’ s truly diabolical. The towels in my house adhere to ...

... is over. When you reach a weak point in the sermon, raise the pitch and volume of your voice to compensate. Have the congregation stand for the last hymn before the message, to assure everyone starts out awake. Have a good opening. Have a good closing. The middle will take care of itself if you quote enough scripture. Every good sermon must contain two good parables and a scripture, or two good scriptures and a parable. The number of faithful tithers in a congregation, and the amount in the offering plate is in direct inverse proportion to the number of sermons the pastor delivers on stewardship and tithing. The likelihood that someone will walk down the isle drops by a value of 10 percent for each minute the sermon goes into overtime. The louder the congregation sings the longer the preacher should preach. It is a well kept secret among Music Ministers that the offering total goes up 5 percent each time the third verse of ...

... , but I went ahead and preached anyhows. Only thing was, with all them people missin ' the echo in the church gave me a hoot of a headache. My wife said I needed to git out and ride a bit 'cause the fresh air would make me feel better. Well, she took to drivin ' and I took to ridin ' and sure 'nuff, she was right. Not only did my head clear up, but what I saw renewed my faith in the Good Lord. I tell you, Brother, I seen miracle after miracle! My Sunday School superintendent, Hank Weaselbaum had called to tell me that he was so deathly sick, he wouldn't make it to church. But there he was, drivin ' down the road with his favorite fishin ' pole stickin ' out the window. I tell you, only a miracle coulda ' snatched him out'a the jaws of death that way! Then there was my head deacon ...

... my calculator must need batteries !). Oh, yeah, we have those special teachers or the ones with masters degrees? Well, we could pay them minimum wage just to be fair. Let's round it off to $6 an hour. That would be $6 times 5 hours times 25 children times 180 days = $135, 000 per year. Wait a minute, there is something wrong here !!! There sure is, huh ????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Author unknown-from Faith Sturgis (teacher ), via Keith Todd] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definitely a guy! Cupid flies around carrying sharp weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. However, as long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith, and Nat King Cole's version of" The Christmas Song ," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy !!! M E R R Y C H R I S T M A S! [Author Unknown-from 'Thomas S. Ellsworth ' (tellswor @slonet.org)-Ed: Anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... of any church organization and is always busy evangelizing the unchurched. The perfect pastor is always in the next church over! If your pastor does not measure up, simply send this notice to six other churches that are tired of their pastor, too. Then bundle up your pastor and send him to the church at the top of the list. If everyone cooperates, in one week you will receive 1, 643 pastors. One of them should be perfect. Have faith in this letter. One church broke the chain and got its old pastor back in less than three months. [by Father McGinn-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... They have unfortunately not dipped into either Tolkien or Tolstoy, but they have read the words on Popsicle wrappers before tossing them on the table. With the onset of August, the lazy days of summer have begun to really drive me crazy. My laconic teenage son – the one destined for a career as a comedian or possibly a member of Congress – tells me that his religion forbids any activity between sunup and sundown. I congratulate him on his staunch adherence to his faith. Even our Labrador seems nearly comatose in these dog days. The other members of my lay-about lot are deeply involved in endless, banal bickering. They argue over the color of the sky or which one of them is the biggest brat (dead even, I ’ d say) or whether Mom or Dad has more wrinkles (wisely, they chose Dad). They ’ ve all become a bunch of hibernating bears, apparently storing up fat for the winter by barely ...

... kids. Over the years, in order to spend more time with my little darlings, I ’ ve developed the unfortunate habit of" cleaning by closet" It is so easy and quick to simply throw everything in there and close the door. It wasn ’ t always so. There was a time when my closet was under control. Shirts hung out with shirts. Pants clung crisply to trouser hangers. Skirts and dresses maintained a modest, well-organized appearance. Shoes faithfully resided with their mates and never strayed. Nothing that doesn ’ t belong in a clothes closet would have dared show its face. You could see every inch of the floor. But then I had children, and children are agents of chaos. Like staying in shape, keeping up a closet requires constant vigilance. I no longer had time for that. Soon, just as dogs and their owners come to resemble each other, my closet and I began to exhibit similar ...

... before succumbing to exhaustion. I gave myself a good week or two to recover before making another attempt. By now, my children had sensed an opportunity for amusement and gathered around like vultures to watch, cruelly eating Cheetos and Oreos in my presence and placing bets with each other on how long I could last. Cath and her drill-instructor e were openly dubious, but I assured them that my problem areas and I were now united in the cause. Unfortunately, those faithless flabby regions turned traitor during the first cycle, refusing to soldier on. I barely survived Cycle Two before my arms and legs went AWOL, quivering like mutinous mounds of Jell-O. Cath and her sneering e threatened a court martial. That ’ s when I decided to dig up that old burn-feeling video and return to Sweet Lady Jane. Even her buttocks tucks would be better than Boot Camp. If I could just find some leg warmers.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie ...

... Red Sea crossing: WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE Pursuing Environmentalists Killed On David vs. Goliath: HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock On Elijah on Mt. Carmel: FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY 400 Killed On the birth of Christ: HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple On feeding the 5, 000: PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH Disciples Mystified Over Behavior On healing the 10 lepers: LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED" Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy On healing of the Gadarene demoniac: MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE Local Farmer's Investment Lost On raising Lazarus from the dead: FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK Will Reading to be Delayed [Kevin Rayner (http :// groups.yahoo.com / group / off-the-church-walls)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... "-Christopher Morley" A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself"-Josh Billings" Man is a dog's idea of what God should be"-Holbrook Jackson" The average dog is a nicer person than the average person"-Andrew A. Rooney" He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion"-Unknown" If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man"-Mark Twain" Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane"-Smiley Blanton" I've seen a look in dogs ' eyes, a quickly vanishing ...

... Heavenly Library There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not. As the Pope approached the gates of heaven it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace." Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven"" You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment"" Is there anything which your holiness desires ?"" Well yes ," the Pope replied," I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages, are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between ...

... Men Bashing Why are men such dogs? I resent that! Dogs are faithful. loyal. affectionate. and obedient. Why do men always say such stupid things? We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words. Why are men so uncommunicative? You'd learn to keep your mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner. Why can't men just share their feelings? Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel. ...

... the cave? How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up? Yosemite National Park: Where are the cages for the animals? What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls? What happened to the other half of Half Dome? Denali National Park: What time do you feed the bears? Can you show me where yeti lives? How often do you mow the tundra? How much does Mount McKinley weigh? Yellowstone National Park: Does Old Faithful erupt at night? When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep? We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits? [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... and if it does snow, people will be on the corner selling" I survived the blizzard" tee-shirts, not to mention the fact that all schools will close at the slightest possible chance of snow. If you are standing on a corner and a MARTA Bus stops, you're expected to get on and go somewhere. Construction on Peachtree Street is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment, especially when a water line is tapped and Atlanta's version of Old Faithful erupts. Construction crews are not doing their jobs properly unless they close down all major streets during rush hour. Atlantans are very proud of our racetrack, known as Road Atlanta. It winds throughout the city on the Interstates, hence its name. Actually, I-285, the loop that encircles Atlanta and has a posted speed limit of 65mph (but you have to maintain 80 mph just to keep from getting run over ), is known to truckers as" The Watermelon 500" ...

... Mexican Jews Two Jewish men," Sid" and" Al ," were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al," Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico ?" Al replied," I don't know, let's ask our waiter" When the waiter came by, Al asked him," Are there any Mexican Jews ?" and the waiter said," I don't know Senor, I'll ask the cooks" He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said" No sir, no Mexican Jews" Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked," Are you absolutely sure ?" The waiter, realizing he was dealing with" Gringos" gave the expected answer," I will check again, Senor !" and went back into the kitchen. While the waiter was away, Sid said," I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere" ...

... Quick Thinking Dog A wealthy man decides to take a hunting safari in Africa, and takes his faithful dog with him, so he doesn't feel so lonely out in the middle of the bush. The first day out on the expedition, the dog starts chasing butterflies absentmindedly, and before long discovers that he has become separated from the safari group. He starts wandering around in the wilderness, lost, when he suddenly notices a leopard a little way off, heading rapidly in his direction, with the obvious intention of making a meal out of him." Now I'm in deep trouble !" thinks the dog, and starts wracking his brains to figure a way out of his dire situation. He notices some bones nearby, and an idea hits him. He settles down comfortably to chew on the bones, with his back to the leopard. Just as the leopard is about to pounce, the dog exclaims loudly:" Man, that was ...