... room WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum" WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME ": Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment. XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more ... her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself. APPLE: Nutritious lunch-time dessert which children will trade for cupcakes. BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42. BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by ... : Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be" Just like Daddy" WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, ...

... want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him"" But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK. His Dad (God) appreciated everything that ... make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk, He can just leave that to mothers and fathers"" God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray ... good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK. His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore ...

... no better revenge than to let her keep him. A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished. A little boy asked his father," Daddy, how much does it cost to get married ?" The father replied," I don't know son, I'm still paying" Young son: ... Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her ?" Dad:" That happens in every country, son" Then there was a woman who said," I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was ... than to let her keep him. A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished. A little boy asked his father," Daddy, how much does it cost to get married ?" The father replied," I don't know son, I'm still paying" Young son:" Is it ...

... " during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to ... ," Pray for me! Pray for me !" ~~~~~~ A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer" Dear Harold". At this, dad interrupted and said," Wait a minute," How come you called God," Harold "? The little boy looked up and said," That's what ... . Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation," Pray for me! Pray for me !" ~~~~~~ A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer" Dear Harold". At this, dad interrupted and said," Wait a minute," How come you ...

... of it, but, as it turns out, my son has accepted an invitation from Johnson's son for a" guy's weekend" camping with his fruitcake father." I had already planned a guy's weekend !" I protest." Doing what, sitting on the couch watching baseball ?" my son demands." Which ... Camping-part 1 It happens to all fathers eventually. You think your youngest child is innocent in the ways of the world, and then he comes up and asks you .well, you know. The QUESTION." Dad? Why can't we ever go camping ?" Normally I handle his requests for information with ... very patient and caring" Ask your mother" Somehow I know, though, that this is one of those times only a dad will do. Lovingly, I place a warm hand on his shoulder and reply," My son, camping was made obsolete with the invention of the condominium"" But Dad ," ...

... that all right with you? Marnie Dear God. Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? Lucy Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? Anita Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was ... not kill each so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. Larry Dear God, I want to be just like my daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. Sam Dear God, I keep waiting for spring but it never come yet. Don't forget ... How far back do you go? Love, Dennis Dear God, I know all about where babies come from. I think. From inside mommies and daddies put them there. Where are they before that? Do you have them in heaven? How do they get down here? Do you have to take care ...

... How a Bill Becomes Law The following steps trace the process by which a paternal proclamation becomes law in the Cameron household. Step One: The father of the house issues an executive order that all Saturday activities will be suspended until the garage is cleaned up. Step Two: The children form a committee and produce a report finding the order totally unconstitutional because it violates the" Cruel and Unusual" clause. Step Three: The committee report is voided by paternal declaration. ... determines there is another day left in the weekend in which homework can be done. Step Twenty-two: The children file a grievance with the Supreme Court of the house: their mother. A restraining order is sought prohibiting enforcement of the father's executive order on the grounds that he never listens, he is ruining our lives, he's mean, and if he really wants the garage cleaned up why doesn't he do it himself. Step Twenty-Three: A constitutional crisis is averted when the ...

... who are running the operation) and states that if all we're going to do is sit around and watch TV, she has a whole list of chores that need to be done. Step Five: The TV is turned off. Father and son privately grumble to each other that if Pavlov had had his mother around, we never would have learned how to make dogs drool on command, and the world would be much worse off. Step Six: The bell is rung ... yells from kitchen to stop running in the house. Father furtively turns on TV to check on developments at the car wash. Step Eight: Gradually it occurs to the father that the dog has something else in its mouth: the father's shoe. The father yells for the animal to drop it, but the animal pretends it has forgotten how to understand English. The son finally tackles the stupid canine, knocking over a lamp in the process. How did the dog get ...

... , that make its oration a work of art. I ’ ve heard The Pig Story so many times that I could recite it in my sleep. It ’ s a tale of how, in a more simple time, my father procured my mother ’ s hand in marriage for the price of a few hogs. Every word of the story is true. My parents grew up on farms several miles apart in southeastern Oklahoma. My mother was the youngest of 10, ... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! The Pig Story Ever since I can recall, my dad has been telling The Pig Story. He tells it with great flourish and over the years, he ’ s perfected a series of coy pauses and soft smiles, delivered at just the right moment, that make its oration a work of art. I ’ ve heard The Pig Story so many times that I could recite it in my sleep. It ’ ...

... The Prodigal Son Parable in the Key of" F" Feeling footloose and frisky, a feather-brained fellow forced his fond father to fork over the family finances. He flew far to foreign fields and frittered his fortune feasting fabulously with faithless friends. Finally facing famine and fleeced by his fellows in folly, he found himself a feed-flinger in a filthy farmyard. Fairly famished he fain would have filled his frame with the foraged foods of the fodder fragments left by the filthy farmyard ... . 'Fooey, he said, 'My father's flunkies fare far fancier, ' the frazzled fugitive found feverishly, frankly facing facts. Frustrated by failure and filled with foreboding he forthwith fled to his family. Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly. 'Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited family favour ' But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching frantically flagged the flunkies. 'Fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast ' But the fugitive's fault-finding frater frowned on the ...

... You are not getting a guinea pig. Are you forgetting what happened to the goldfish you had, and also to the mice you were given for your birthday? Please ask for something reasonable, like a new rake to help your father in the yard. That request I can fill immediately. Dear Santa: Well the directions never said you can't take goldfish into the bathtub with you so how was I supposed to know? And the thing with the mice was not my ... is a member of the pork family. How about you get me a little trailer for my go-cart and I'll haul leaves in that. Plus I also want a drum set. Oh, and I think you should know, my dad is not using the exercise bike you got him last Christmas. I guess it goes against his instinctive pursuit of getting fat. Dear Drummer Boy: No pigs of any kind, including those related to rats. No catapulting yourself headfirst from ...

... Mike kept telling the teacher his dog ate his homework. We didn't believe him until his dog graduated from Yale. When I get home from school, it takes me about an hour to do my homework, 2 hours if my father helps. I was having trouble in English. My Dad bought me a cheap dictionary but I couldn't find the words to thank him. My dad bought me a thesaurus, too. I thought that was very nice, pleasurable, agreeable ... I was doing geography homework and I asked him where I would find the Catskills. He said," I don't know, your mother puts everything away !" When my father saw my report card, he said I was just like Abraham Lincoln, I went down in history. [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... embedded in the season of beering and cheering, of touchdowns and testosterone. And I ’ m realizing how much the power of pigskin has shaped my life. It started, as most psychologically traumatizing things do, in childhood. My father was gripped by a grave case of gridiron giddiness, and most of his mania was focused on the University of Oklahoma Sooners. Game days were serious business around our house. By the time my dad ’ s friends arrived to catch the ... with their first brewski, the air was electric with excitement. If the Sooners did well, all would be right with the universe, and my papa and his pals would be bursting with pride. If they did not do well, if they fumbled and failed, a deathly pall would hang over the house, and each man would have to find his own way to deal with his distress. On the day of that granddaddy of all games for the diehard Sooner fan ...

... young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice." Father ," he said," I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage" His father replied," Don't you love this girl ?"" Oh yes, very much ," he said ," but you see ... I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them"" No problem ," said dad," all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed" Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom" Mom ," she said," When I wake up in the morning ...

... If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd. And a more current sign is. Awesome Powers-the God who snags us !!! And a quick side-dish. Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says," My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50" The second boy says," That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few ... on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100" The third boy says," I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to collect all the money !" Addendum-Proverbs 17: 22 (NRSV)" A cheerful heart is a good medicine, but a downcast spirit dries up the bones" [Original source ...

... , I don ’ t think it ’ s too much of a stretch. The first part of my research took place this summer while I was hiking a part of the Colorado Trail (in Colorado, oddly enough) with my father. We came across a very annoyed llama. The llama, loaded down with camping gear, was engaged in a strenuous tug of war with a man who looked like he ’ d rather be undergoing a root canal. This man was ... who was now sweating profusely, had obviously shifted into the Wife Interpretation and Management Phase (WIMP) and was nodding at her vigorously while totally ignoring what she said. “ This was all her idea ,” he said to my grinning dad in a low voice, thrusting his head in his wife ’ s direction. He explained the couple had come from Maryland and rented the llama to carry the gear as they communed with nature for several days. “ This is only our ...

... s obviously a bearer of the sock exhaust gene, and most likely, the underwear overuse one as well (thankfully, we have no pictures on that). I have evidence of this DNA disability in my own family. My father is notorious for his thriftiness when it comes to underwear retention. Several years ago, as a joke, I started putting new briefs in my dad ’ s Christmas stocking every year. It made me feel better to believe that, at ... on an annual basis, he ’ d be dressed in hole-free knickers. Recently, though, I had to go into my father ’ s closet to get something, and there I found a box filled with every package I ’ ve given him – unopened and unused. He swears he will eventually get around to wearing them, but I have my doubts. Apparently, even though females are not infected with these genetic disorders, they can be carriers. I seem to ...

... Son To Israel A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home." Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers ," the son said." It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that ... in Israel I converted to Christianity"" Oi vey ," replied the father," what have I done" So in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace." It is amazing that you should come to me ," stated his friend," I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian" So in the tradition of the patriarchs they went to the Rabbi." It is amazing that you ...

... it means the teeth will have to come out" Okay, not so bad. I've lost teeth before, and even had something of a cottage industry for awhile selling them to the tooth fairy, who turns out to be my father, of all people. Here you go through most of your childhood thinking your dad is a gynecologist and then you see him sneaking into your sister's room to take her molar and leave a quarter. I remember when my friend Tommy lost ... of his teeth when he put his mouth right where I was throwing a baseball (what an idiot !). That night I lay in bed giggling over the idea of my father sneaking in to put money under Tommy's pillow. The next morning, when I innocently asked my dad how Tommy was doing, he pretended not to understand what I was talking about. According to kindly Dr. Lecter, even though we humans have no spare fingers or extra heads or anything, ...

... but that ’ s because you have not had to spend more than four decades attached to a stringy substance that has resisted my attempts to mold it into something attractive. You, my friend, have not had to live with my father ’ s follicles. Now, those faulty follicles have not been a problem for my father. That ’ s because he is a man and, on top of that, he ’ s a HIM (hair-indifferent man). A HIM ... My Dirty Laundry! The Hairy Truth When I reach the Pearly Gates, and I am allowed to ask one question, I already know what it ’ s going to be. Why, Oh Lord, did you give me my dad ’ s hair? This may seem to you like a ridiculously shallow question to be asking at such a moment, but that ’ s because you have not had to spend more than four decades attached to a stringy substance that has resisted ...

... I don't know why they bring that up every year). We can't even agree on what we have for the traditional Christmas Eve dinner, though after serving burritos one time, the children remember it is not a good idea for father to eat refried beans the night before we sit for several hours together in the living room. At eight o'clock, mindful of the fact that Santa has put an unassembled" Barbie Dream House" in my garage, I start hinting to ... it was when I had three children under the age of ten. There's always considerable argument over what the words" family tradition" mean on Christmas Eve. In my opinion, the" family tradition" is defined as" What Dad Remembers" I remember baking cookies for Santa, listening to Christmas music, and tucking the children into bed before eight o'clock. Their mother remembers that they haven't gone to sleep that early since they stopped nursing. My children remember that Dad ...

... 8 Simple Rules for Dating my Daughter When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds. Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I ... when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night." So ," I'll call out jovially." I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid ?" As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have ...

... How Many Kids? Four expectant fathers were in a hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man," Congratulations sir! You're the father of twins"" What a coincidence !" the man said with some obvious pride." I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team" The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man," You, sir, are the father of triplets"" ... How Many Kids? Four expectant fathers were in a hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man," Congratulations sir! You're the father of twins"" What a coincidence !" the man said with some obvious pride." I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team" The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man," You, sir, are the father of triplets"" ...

... through several" horrible vacations ," including one just this summer in which my younger teenage daughter" almost drowned" She didn't almost anything. I took her out in a rowboat by promising her an opportunity for one-on-one quality time with her father, during which the two of us could talk intimately about anything she wanted and then I would pay her twenty dollars. I know it sounds as if I were bribing her to spend time with me, but in my view, she ... ?"" No"" What do you want to do ?"" Go back"" Wouldn't you rather be out here on the lake ?"" No" It was, I reflected, one of our more pleasant conversations." Dad, what's with the water ?" She pointed at my feet. I frowned. A steadily growing pool of water was forming on the bottom of the boat. As a sailor of considerable experience, I immediately recognized we were in the nautical ...

... Stillsutter informed me." Hostility? To what, footwear ?"" No, your hostility. Duchess senses you are hostile"" I'm hostile to coming home and finding she's been snacking on my loafers ," I agreed." Your father and Duchess just need better communication ," Stillsutter confided to my daughter, who nodded as if this made any sense at all." Mr. Cameron, when you talk to Duchess, tell her why you are so angry -what's really behind ... " When dogs resist housebreaking, it is often because they sense hostility in the home ," he intoned." What, now it's my fault that the dog wets the rug ?" I protested." You're the only one home, Dad ," my daughter answered." Who's fault could it be ?"" Oh, I don't know .the dog's ?"" Mr. Cameron, if I might interrupt, can you see how making this about the dog just makes Duchess defensive ?" ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! The Most Wonderful Time of the Year My all-time favorite commercial is the one where a father with an ear-to-ear grin is pushing a shopping cart through a Staples store, gleefully tossing in school supplies as his dejected children follow glumly behind and “ The Most Wonderful Time of the Year ” plays in the background. “ They ’ re going back !” the announcer tells us. Sweeter words were never spoken. Last May, ... members of my lay-about lot are deeply involved in endless, banal bickering. They argue over the color of the sky or which one of them is the biggest brat (dead even, I ’ d say) or whether Mom or Dad has more wrinkles (wisely, they chose Dad). They ’ ve all become a bunch of hibernating bears, apparently storing up fat for the winter by barely moving. They ’ re even too weak, poor things, to feed ...

... send you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket for you. The family is fine. Your father, he has a lovely job. He has about 500 men under him. He is cutting grass down at the cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet whether it's a girl or a boy so ... Letter From A Mother To Her Son Dear Son, I am writing slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, cause the last family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they would not have to change their address. This place has a ...

... spouted at me when, in a noble effort to be helpful, I ’ d point out to them the moral failings and personal hygiene challenges of my younger brother. “ That sounds like the pot calling the cattle black ,” my father would often drawl in response. At least that ’ s what I thought he said. This would leave me very confused, not only about why a pot would feel the need to mention the color of some cows (assuming, of ... of the lunacy of grown-ups. One day, I remember thinking, I will understand. I was well into my teens before I realized that the talkative pot was describing the color of a kettle, not cattle, and that my dad had been calling me a hypocrite. It was like those V8 commercials where people are always popping themselves in the forehead for being stupid when they “ could have had a V8 ” After years of confusion, my mind suddenly cleared like cobwebs ...

... “ It ’ s as hot in here as my grandma ’ s house used to be ” He gave me one of his obnoxious I-told-you-so looks. When I was growing up, and my mother would get upset about something, my father would tell the family “ your mamma ’ s got her back up ” Most of the time, my dad was the reason for my mom ’ s spinal contortions. I am definitely my mother ’ s daughter. The I-told-you-so look I ... from my husband sent my back right on up out of proportion and made me stubbornly determined to spend the night in this balmy B and B. The hostess left, and we began to unpack our clothes. That ’ s when my mate realized the situation was even worse than he thought. “ Where ’ s the TV ?” he asked. “ There ’ s not one ,” I said. “ Isn ’ t it great ?” “ Just like Grandma ’ s house ...

... attachment ?"" How much of my time should be taken up explaining how RAM is different from hard drive memory ?"" How many times can I bear to hear my dad say, 'Hey, can I replace the motherboard with a fatherboard? Ha ha ha!" To make things easier, we have prepared a list of Warning Signs which we encourage you to refer to often, or, if you can't figure out how to bookmark it, print it out. Also ... my parent / sibling / spouse is unable to open an email attachment ?"" How much of my time should be taken up explaining how RAM is different from hard drive memory ?"" How many times can I bear to hear my dad say, 'Hey, can I replace the motherboard with a fatherboard? Ha ha ha!" To make things easier, we have prepared a list of Warning Signs which we encourage you to refer to often, or, if you can't ...

... Creek Jumping One day a boy came walking home from school. On the way home he saw a creek. He quickly jumped in, clothes and all. When he arrived home completely soaked his dad asked," Son what happened ?"" I jumped in that creek down the road"" Why did you do that ?"" I dunno" His dad was very angry and said," If you jump in that creek again, just because, I'm gonna tan your hide-just because! Is that clear ?"" Yes dad ," the boy replies. The next day, the boy came home walking from school, and sure enough when he saw that creek, he jumped right on in. When he went home, his dad knew what had happened and asked," Didn't I tell you not to jump in that creek again ?"" Yes dad, but Satan told me to do it !" His dad, being a religious ...

... Miracle Machine An Amish boy and his father were visiting a local mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two" shiny silver walls" that enclosed a small room, and would repeatedly move apart and back together again. The boy, totally amazed by this, asked his father," What is this father ?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded," Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I do not know what it is" While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed one of the buttons. The walls opened and the lady walked between them and into the small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch as the circles lit up in ...

... the process two of the nuts rolled down near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide up the nuts." One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me" As they were dividing the nuts, another boy walking by the cemetery happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery but could not see the boys because they were hidden by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to his house." Father, father ," he yelled as he entered his house." The cemetery. Come quick !!!"" What's the matter ," the father asked?" No time to explain ," the boy frantically panted." Follow me !!!" The boy and the father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stood at the side of the road, and listened for a few moments. Then the father asked his son," what's wrong ?" The son said ...

... 'Twas The Fight Before Christmas 'Twas the fight before Christmas when all through the house Not a good deed was stirring, and Dad was a louse! Their mother was angry and loaded with care, 'Cause the gift list was longer than ever this year! The children were nagging for gifts worth a ton, And Dad was convinced," Christmas just isn't fun !" With Mom's loud complaining, and Dad mad at all, They loaded the car for the trip to the mall! They stopped first at Sears to buy Grandma a platter, At Wards Sis tried on jeans that confirmed she was fatter! They stopped at the ATM for some more cash, And saw their new neighbors with THEIR Christmas stash! Hearts sank as they saw what their neighbors could spend," We've got to buy more !" Everybody chimed in! When, what to their shopping red eyes should appear, But a sign with the answer to their Christmas fear." ...

... boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other"" Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs"" Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings"" Love is what makes you smile when you're tired"" Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK"" Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"" Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen"" If you want to learn to love ...

... Walk On Water Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Sven just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother." Grandma ," he asked," it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him ?" Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said," Because your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January-you were born in July" [Author Unknown-from Lorraine, via 'LABLaughs ' ...

... son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Dear Bubba, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad," For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the GUNS !" Love, Bubba At 5 A.M. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire area, without finding any guns. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son. ...

... ) they had bought out of state (they're illegal in their state, of course !). Just before they were to arrive, a cousin called, saying his neighbors ' plans had just fallen through and asking if he could bring them along to the picnic-they even had extra food to bring." Sure, the more the merrier !" When the cousin arrived with his neighbors, it was discovered that the head of that family was a police officer. Johnny's father turned as innocently as he could to his son and whispered to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Johnny disappeared, and the father changed the topic to food for the day. This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father told them the gas grill was all set to use out back-they just had to turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed. They ...

... A Peacock Tale When I was young, my grandparents lived right across the street. And they were just the nicest folks you'd ever want to meet. That morn Dad Heck was having a plain, ordinary day. When I came running 'cross the street in my 4-year-old way. My eyes as wide as quarters, and my arms up in the sky. He saw I was excited, but had no clue as to why. Quite out of breath, I waved my arms and gasped," A man got hit !" Dad Heck feigned shock and leaned down low to hear my childish bit." He got hit by a*peacock*and guess what, I 'bout forgot. They took that man away, and put him in the*piddle-pot *! Dad Heck said," What ?!" I stomped my foot and yelled," Lissen to me! A*peacock *! To the*piddle-pot *! Ask Mommy and you'll see !" ...

... A Peacock Tale When I was young, my grandparents lived right across the street. And they were just the nicest folks you'd ever want to meet. That morn Dad Heck was having a plain, ordinary day. When I came running 'cross the street in my 4-year-old way. My eyes as wide as quarters, and my arms up in the sky. He saw I was excited, but had no clue as to why. Quite out of breath, I waved my arms and gasped," A man got hit !" Dad Heck feigned shock and leaned down low to hear my childish bit." He got hit by a*peacock*and guess what, I 'bout forgot. They took that man away, and put him in the*piddle-pot *! Dad Heck said," What ?!" I stomped my foot and yelled," Lissen to me! A*peacock *! To the*piddle-pot *! Ask Mommy and you'll see !" ...

... A Peacock Tale When I was young, my grandparents lived right across the street. And they were just the nicest folks you'd ever want to meet. That morn Dad Heck was having a plain, ordinary day. When I came running 'cross the street in my 4-year-old way. My eyes as wide as quarters, and my arms up in the sky. He saw I was excited, but had no clue as to why. Quite out of breath, I waved my arms and gasped," A man got hit !" Dad Heck feigned shock and leaned down low to hear my childish bit." He got hit by a*peacock*and guess what, I 'bout forgot. They took that man away, and put him in the*piddle-pot *! Dad Heck said," What ?!" I stomped my foot and yelled," Lissen to me! A*peacock *! To the*piddle-pot *! Ask Mommy and you'll see !" ...

... Kids Marriage Plans A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand." That's a serious step ," he said." Have you thought it out completely ?"" Sure ," his young son answered." We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night"" How about transportation ?" the father asked." I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles ," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised. Finally, in exasperation, the man asked," What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know"" We've thought about that, too ," the little boy replied." We're not going ...

... the best way to get more people. How did God make mothers? He made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom? God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me. What kind of little girl was your Mom? My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff. How did your Mom meet your dad? Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting. What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him? His last name. Why did your Mom marry your dad? She got too old to do anything else with him. What's the difference between moms and grandmas? About 30 years. Describe the world's greatest Mom: She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself. Is anything about your Mom perfect? Just her children What would it ...

... would be a shame, John remarks, I was really looking forward to listening to you talk about your great job for ten hours. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF PIE TO MAKE my Mother shouts. (Mom, you've got a month, you act like you're already pre-heating the oven) Finally, decide on the exciting events !!!!! A really good polka band would be great, Uncle Lou declares. Also a contradiction in terms, adds Cousin Tina. YOUR FATHER WANTS RASPBERRY, my mother writes, as if we all have the same father. I can't eat raspberries, I am allergic, John advises. What would happen, Dean taunts, would your body swell up until it is fat as your head? Let's have a pi*ata, Tina suggests, that would be fun. Yeah, John agrees, especially if Dean is the pi*ata. The best polka band in all the world is right here in Boise ...

... Priest and Politician A parish priest, Father O'Brien, was being honored at a dinner on the 25th anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic. Sooo Father O'Brien decides to say his own few words while they await the politician's arrival." You will understand ," he said," the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. What is confessed in there to me, is never repeated on the outside. However, I got my first impressions of this parish from the first confession I ever heard here. Realize, please, that I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25 years ago, I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had ...

... Exceptional Golfer As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty and chastity; but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest. One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So. he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was ...

... Letters to a Pastor ** Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville. ** Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix ** Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Page 11, Anderson ** Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven ** Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany ** Dear Pastor, I would ...

... ." It was the lady up the street ," said the boy." I don't know her name; they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars"" Oh my Goodness ," moaned the mother," she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on" So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars, and demanded to know why she did it." Well ," she said," this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he ran off to Hawaii with ...

... Telephonic Conversation... The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered," Hello ?" The boss asked," Is your Daddy home ?"" Yes ", whispered the small voice." May I talk with him ?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered," No" Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked," Is your Mommy there ?"" Yes ", came the answer." May I talk with her ?" Again the small voice whispered," no". Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child." Is there any one there besides you ?" the boss asked the child." ...

... again. With the exception of that first pummeling, you manage to stay off the rides all day, explaining to your children that it isn't good for you when your internal organs are forcibly rearranged. Now, though, they coax you back in line, promising a ride that doesn't twist, doesn't hang you upside down like a bat, doesn't cause your brain to flop around inside your skull-it just goes up and then comes back down. That's it, Dad, no big deal. What they don't tell you is HOW it comes back down. You're strapped into a seat and pulled gently up into acrophobia, the city falling away from you. Okay, not so bad, and in the conversation you're having with God you explain that you're thankful for the wonderful view but you really would like to get down now. And that's just how you descend: NOW. Without warning, you plummet to the ground in an uncontrolled free ...

... does it know it's me? SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups." Please don't give me this juice again ," she said," It makes my teeth cough" DI (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked:" How much do I cost ?" MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad:" Why is he whispering in her mouth ?" CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied," I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in ?" JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story His dad read:" The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife ...

... is your favorite book? My mom said it is the Bible because you have to pray a lot. -Kimberly W, age 8, Meriden, CT Dear President Bush: Can you help with the weather in Seattle? It rains too much. My mom said not even the president can do anything about the weather. I hope she is wrong. We need more sunshine in Seattle. -Elizabeth P, age 8 Seattle WA What does Congress do all day? My dad told me that Congress doesn't do anything but make trouble. -Ralph N, Palm Beach, FL What does the vice president do all day? I have asked a lot of grownups and nobody knows the answer. -Shannon D, age 8 Bismarck, ND I think you won the election because you were a better speaker even if a lot of people didn't know what you were talking about. -Tracy O, age 10 Green Valley, AZ My girlfriend Betsy and I would like ...

... he suggested the two of us box." You mean hit each other ?" I asked nervously. Even at that age, I had begun to develop a strong aversion to being socked in the face, a phobia which persists to this day." Just on the gloves, we'll only punch each other's gloves ," he explained. Well, that seemed reasonable. I dashed inside to suit up, the brave prizefighter being readied for the match by his mommy. My father was reading the newspaper in the living room with my sisters and, fatefully, Patty." Brad and I are going to box !" I blurted. I always measured the degree to which my words impacted my father by the distance he lowered the paper to peer at me over its top edge. My announcement apparently interested him a great deal, because he dropped the sports section a full eight inches. The only time he'd reacted more strongly was when I'd asked him how ...

... the front of the bus, the middle the road, and the back of the church. Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your door for years. Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong. The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience:" And in conclusion" If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has. Not only are the sins of the fathers visited upon the children, but nowadays the sins of the children are visited upon the fathers. God Himself does not propose to judge a man till he is dead. So why should you? To make a long story short, don't tell it. If your left hand doesn't know what your right one is doing, you should consider running for a job in Washington. Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set. Peace starts with a smile. ...

... Things Dogs Must Remember I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house. I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet. I will not eat the cats ' food, before or after they eat it." Kitty box crunchies" are not food. I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not wake Mommy by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell ...

... be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches. Boys grow their fingernails long because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long-not because they look nice-but because they can dig them into a boy's arm. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched a" Pokemon" movie three times in a row. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys. [Author Unknown- ...

... was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church fills first. The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued," And you told me a little more 'beat ' to the music would bring young people back to church, so I suppose that's why you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Now we are packed in the balcony"" Thank you, Father ," answered the young priest." I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth"" Well ," said the elderly priest," I'm afraid you've gone to far with the drive-thru confessional"" But, Father ," protested the young priest," my confessions have nearly doubled since I began that !"" I know, son ," replied the elderly priest," but the flashing neon sign, 'Toot n ' Tell or Go To Hell ' is ...

... , Mommy, how do you know all this stuff ?"" Uh ," I was thinking quickly." All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy" We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information." OH .I get it !" she beamed." So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy"" EXACTLY ," I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart. When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom. [Author Unknown-Rose, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... your pastor does not measure up, simply send this notice to six other churches that are tired of their pastor, too. Then bundle up your pastor and send him to the church at the top of the list. If everyone cooperates, in one week you will receive 1, 643 pastors. One of them should be perfect. Have faith in this letter. One church broke the chain and got its old pastor back in less than three months. [by Father McGinn-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... "" Monday? How am I supposed to remember something from Monday ?" My younger daughter was also vexed." I can't. I have to meet Lyndsey at the mall"" You'll just have to cancel. This has been scheduled for a month"" Cancel ?!" my younger daughter gasped. You can't cancel a trip to the mall -to a teenage girl, that would be like canceling breathing." You'd better get ready ," my wife warned them." Dad, could he get a picture of me jumping off the garage roof ?" my son wanted to know. I frowned." You're not supposed to be ON the roof ," I reminded him." Right, I said I would be jumping OFF ," he agreed logically." How about instead we get a picture of you putting your bicycle IN the garage, like I asked you yesterday and the day before ?" He left, muttering. Meanwhile, my two daughters could ...

... in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday. Many musical instruments-especially wind instruments and accordions-can be played without moving the fingers. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into ...

... ?" Surprised, I said," Well, Jenny, what do you think heaven is like ?" She looked up at the sky and clouds and replied," Well, I can't see any floor, so I guess people are just up there on coat hangers !" I told nine-year-old Heather that someday we would have glorified bodies. She asked," Do you think we'll look like Barbie ?" One day my five-year-old grandson, Brett, who frequently went fishing with his dad, told his mother," If Grandma's going to heaven with us, God had better have a pretty big fishing rod to haul her in !" [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:" If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then ?" My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:" If I've told you once, I've told you a million times-don't exaggerate !!!" My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:" I brought you into this world, and I can take you out" My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:" Stop acting like your father !" My mother taught me about ENVY:" There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do !" [Author Unknown-from 'Better Preaching Through Intimidation '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... The 'Real ' Night Before Christmas 'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse Instructions were studied and we were inspired, in hopes we could manage" Some Assembly Required" The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, while Dad and I faced the evening with dread: a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot! And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot! We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat-let no parts be missing or parts incomplete! Too late for last-minute returns or replacement; if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement! When what to my worrying eyes should appear but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear, With each part numbered and every slot named, so if we failed, only we could be blamed. More rapid than eagles the parts then ...

... , why do we say," It's all right ?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say," That hurt, you stupid idiot ?" Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? In Winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in the Summer, when we complained about it being to hot? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? And my FAVORITE. Statistics on sanity show that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends-if they're okay, then. it's you. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)-Ed: Anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... !" replied the interviewer." And now you sir ?" he asked the second man." Hmm .let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of"" Excellent !" said the interviewer." The blink of an eye .that's a very popular cliché for speed" He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply." Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of" The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man." It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said. Turning to the fourth ...

... help it"" But can you see what an impact it would have on the fish? They hear you laughing, and of course it makes them amused"" Are you crazy ?", he retorted." They don't care about laughter, they're fish for Pete's sake !"" I .Are you mocking me ?"" Oh, no, sir ," he grinned." I can't believe you didn't laugh when you read my column"" Well, I tried to, Dad" he claimed defensively." I just couldn't. Everyone there agreed it just made us depressed"" What are you talking about? It was really funny !"" Well, the fish didn't seem to think so" In conclusion, the report went on to say, fish do seem to have a good sense of humor, but they won't laugh at just anything." Fish do not laugh ," I stormed." They live underwater, if they laughed, they ...

... around them a cocoon of indifference and stuff their heads with what I call “ Charlie Brown cotton ” You know how all the characters in the Peanuts cartoon only hear the words of their teachers as “ wa wa wa wa ?” That ’ s Charlie Brown cotton, and I ’ m convinced that ’ s what is clouding the judgment of my own cast of characters. Why else would they not want to spend time with people as fascinating and fun as their mom and dad? To pierce this foolish fog, I pull another arrow out of my maternal quiver and fire off a good helping of guilt. While we moms often wallow in guilt, we are also adept at spreading it around when need be. I lay it on pretty thick. “ I just don ’ t understand why you don ’ t want to be around us anymore ” My voice trembles. “ It breaks my heart ” I shake my head sadly, my face downcast ...

... The Sneeze They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-three students filing into the already crowded auditorium. With rich maroon gowns flowing and the traditional caps, they looked almost as grown up as they felt. Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and moms freely brushed away tears. This class would not pray during the commencements-not by choice but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it. The principal and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling. They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families. The speeches were nice, but they were routine. until the final speech received a standing ovation. A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone. He stood still and silent for just a moment, and then he delivered his speech. an astounding sneeze. The rest of the students rose immediately to their feet, and ...

... Things To Think About Insanity is inherited-you get it from your kids. It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father. It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents. Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many. You can learn many things from children. like how much patience you have. Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid. The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself hire someone to do it forbid your kids to do it There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the ...

... onto a lily pad, where it comes quietly to rest. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumps on the lily pad and snatches the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swoops down, grabs the frog and flies away. As they pass over the green, the frog squeals with fright and drops the ball, which bounces right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one. Moses leans over toward Jesus and whispers," Do you think your Dad would teach me that shot ?" [Author Unknown-from 'Lab Laughs ' (LABLaughsClean @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... the bottom, not up at the top"" I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done !"" You've just wound 'em around and around-I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year ?"" Have you been drinking ?"" Where's the cat ?"" If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father" [Author Unknown-from 'Pastor Tim '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... then yank the door open, the car alarm splitting the night air. No one is inside. When I get back into the house, my daughter and her date are standing in the kitchen, looking concerned as I quack in out of the rain." Hi !" I call cheerfully." I just needed to use the telephone" the boy stammers uncertainly. With a quick glance back at my daughter, he scampers out of the house." Oh, Dad, how could you do that ?" my daughter demands, whirling and bolting from the room. I stand there in the middle of the kitchen, scratching my head. How could I do WHAT? [by W. Bruce Cameron 2002-2003 (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Genesis 2: 19-24) [Adam is the only man that ever went to sleep single, and woke up married] Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman.-Jacob (Genesis 29: 15-30) Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife.-David (I Samuel 18: 27) Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course)-Cain (Genesis 4: 16-17) Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.-Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2: 3-4) When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents," ...

... but he ’ d clearly given up on this work With a hand on his sore back, he turned with a jerk. I started to speak, but he pointed his finger at my nose And shaking his head, up the stairs to our bedroom he rose. He fell into bed, to the dog gave a whistle And the children all scattered, like the down of a thistle. But I heard them exclaim as they dove out of sight, “ Poor Dad! He ’ s not going to have a good night"~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie ...

... as follows: Greetings to you, friend of the forest: Above the home of my people lies the ghost of the growth of the planet, whose broad arms have enfolded us in the darkness of their frowns during the long periods of light and the playing of the little children of my loins. Now I fear that a great inclination seizes this hair of Douglass, with the making of a horrible momentum that seeks to cleave the sheltering and disrupt the napping of the father of my offspring. I pray you'll sing the ribbons of restraint and petition the linked chewer to formerly see the dried plumbing of those perilous offshoots of trunk, of which my compatriot Fred exposed electrifying laziness, with not a bruising of crown nor canceling of the eyes of the house. Upon autopsy, please to be creating a pyramid of such fabrication as to allow the warming of our nakedness before the location of burning within the area of living. Upon the occasion of the ...

... Vacations! from Hell When I was growing up, summer vacations all followed pretty much the same pattern: The whole family packed into a station wagon and steamed itself into a bad mood for two days, arriving finally at some dreary motel near a beach or a park for four nights of bad mattresses and my father complaining about the price of everything (" Can you believe it? Two bucks for a cup of coffee ?") before we packed ourselves back into the car for the return trip, which somehow always took three times as long as it did coming out. We sent postcards to friends so they would think we were having a grand time and were to be envied." Wish you were here ," we'd write, as if having one more person jammed into a cramped, humid little room would somehow make the whole thing more bearable. As delightful as that all sounds, people today apparently want more from their vacations. How else to ...

... Truths From Little Children No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. You can't trust dogs to watch your food. Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. Dogs still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time. School lunches stick to the wall. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. The best place to be when your sad is in Grandma's lap. Moms get mad when you cut your own bangs. Never put chewed gum in your pocket without a wrapper Moms gets even ...

... it in the center of the driveway, so that no one will be able to drive to work. A gusty wind blows an empty milk jug out of the container and into the woods. My boy responds with the reflexes of a glacier, watching the carton bounce away. I open the door." Hey !" I tell him." Go get that !" He stares at me blankly." The milk jug !" I yell." Oh, okay, Dad !" he responds cheerfully. Having seen his bus pass by has put him in a euphoric mood. He picks up a second plastic milk container and, to my amazement, tosses it into the wind, jubilantly clapping his hands as it flies into the trees." Why did you do that ?" I shriek." Well it seemed like a waste of time to go after just one !" he responds logically. He'll make someone a fine husband someday. All week long ...

... the hood. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver With Lifetime Guarantee: Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed screwdriver, particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located they can only be removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver-and you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said-who cares? It's guaranteed. Bailing Wire: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, bailing wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not recommended for concourse contenders since it works so well you'll never replace it with the right thing again. Bailing wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with MG, Triumph, and flathead Ford set. Bonking Stick: This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy ...

... each case the tea was very good. Small talk revealed that all the youngsters were selling tea made by their mothers, who used tea leaves and real lemons in making the tea. One day the woman discovered that only one stand was operating. Behind it was the new kid on the block. She stopped and ordered a glass of tea. It was served in a paper cup and it cost 10 cents. Some conversation brought out the fact that the young man's father was a lawyer who specialized in mergers, which had inspired the boy to buy out his competitors, bartering with baseball cards, marbles, and stuff he had laying around in his garage. His first act, he explained, was to raise the price of the iced tea, and cut costs. He was using a powdered tea mix from the supermarket, he said, which eliminated buying real lemons as well as the bother of squeezing them or putting them in the juicer ...

... smell. We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway. And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on. And in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop? [Author Unknown-from 'Bill Rayborn ' (bills-punch-line @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... himself during life, to be spoken of when dead. Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. Opportunist: A person who starts taking a bath in case he accidentally falls into a river. Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says midway down:" See I am not injured yet" Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich. Father: A banker provided by nature. Criminal: A guy no different from the rest. except that he got caught. Boss: Someone who is early when you are late, and late when you are early. Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections, and your Confidence after. Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills. Pessimist: A person who says that 'O ' is the last letter in ZERO, ...

... too risky !"" Oh please, please, I like you so much !!"" No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't !"" Oh yes you can. Please ?"" NO, no. I just can't"" Pleeeeease?.." Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says:" Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button !" [Author Unknown-Thomas S. Ellsworth (tellswor @slonet.org)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year? Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain ' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch, ' but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu ' and have to be bedridden for weeks? How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes? Why do men forget everything and women remember everything? Shouldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After all there's no sense in two people remembering the same things, right? Is the real reason women live longer then men because they don't have to live with women? If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to? [Author Unknown-from Keith Todd (ajokeaday7 @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights ...

... : This is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know. One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is" if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it" The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift." No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas ," Gene said." They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs" I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift ...

... Good Son Robert, age eight, was the son of strict Presbyterian parents. He was very, very good, worked hard at school, did his chores, and was generally helpful and obedient. But one morning, for some reason, he came down to breakfast in a very nasty mood. When his mother served him prunes, he snarled," I don't want prunes !" and he refused to eat them. His parents were aghast, and his father said," Robert, you know that the Lord commanded children to honor and obey their parents, and He will punish those who do not" But Robert still refused and was angrily sent back to bed, and the prunes were put in the refrigerator. A few minutes later, a terrible thunderstorm came up with great roars and flashes of lightning." Ah, wonderful ," said Robert's mother," this will teach him a lesson" Robert came back down the stairs, ...

... matter who you think would make a better president, it is good to know the leader of the free world will apparently be answering an old-fashioned, corded telephone. Both candidates ’ commercials featured the same ominously ringing phone, the same innocently sleeping children, even the same introduction: “ It ’ s 3 AM, and your children are safe and asleep ” Being a mom, my first thought upon watching those red-phone ads was “ Why doesn ’ t someone answer that dad gum thing before it wakes up the kids ?” But after that, I noticed something in Senator Clinton ’ s commercial. Actually, I noticed a couple of things. First, when we see her reassuringly answering that crisis call, she looks really good. She ’ s wearing a smartly tailored, camel-colored jacket and gold necklace. Her hair is nicely coiffed, and her makeup appears freshly applied. Any woman who can answer a middle-of-the-night emergency looking that put-together is a force ...

... not. As the Pope approached the gates of heaven it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace." Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven"" You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment"" Is there anything which your holiness desires ?"" Well yes ," the Pope replied," I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages, are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old ?"" I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time" Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how ...

... national election. I was a Scoutmaster for 25 years and never missed Sunday school for 50 years" St. Peter says," Good, that will give you another 2 points" Now the man is beginning to show the first signs of deep agony." Well, I have tithed my GROSS income, not" net" like many others on the Session. I have never declared bankruptcy and I have always paid my bills on time. I've been a good father and an ardent lover to my wife. So there" St. Peter says" Good for you. That will give you another three points for a total of six. The man is sweating and on the verge of serious arguing. Finally he collapses in the arms of St. Peter with the words," I guess I'll just have to throw myself on the mercy of God. St. Peter, calmly replies," That will give you an additional 1000 points ...

... looks forward to going to school Now that he has a sport to play. He wanted to know if you would come to one of his games. if. we bought you a laptop to bring along? Do you remember him? He's the one who. empties your Port-a-Potty for you! Let's see. since the last time I wrote you. (3 months ago ), the refrigerator had to be replaced, The dog died from old age, your mother and dad painted the room, where your computer is. hope you like the color! The church has a new pastor, the president has been impeached, and oh yes. and I have a new job! Well, I think that's about it. I'll email you again in about 3 months. You take care of yourself, honey. We all miss you very much, and look forward to seeing you again. next time. the power goes off!: )) Love ...

... "" Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try"" What on earth do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots ?"" Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that sucker"" If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father"" Give me that !!"" You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top"" I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!"" You've just wound 'em around and around-I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year ?"" Have you been drinking ?!!?"" Okaaay! Looks like we're*finally*done here ...

... You ’ ve got people running around all over the place claiming to be busier than everyone else, and most of them are lying. This must be stopped. I suggest we appoint the members of Congress, who frequently seem to have too much time on their hands, to serve on a committee which would establish busyness benchmarks. Of course, we ’ d have to engage in a national debate about what exactly counts as being busy. A single mom (or dad) working two jobs to make ends meet? Busy. Britney Spears hitting every Starbucks in a 10-mile radius? Not so much. Does exercise merit a mark on the busy meter? Oh, yeah. Unless you are – like my daughter – only working out your thumbs through too much text-messaging. What about shopping? If, like me, you have to go from store to store trying to find something that makes you look slim, you are definitely busy. If ...

... with the ceiling fan. I know where the remote control is, but it'll cost you. To you, it's just an empty egg carton; to me it's PlayStation 2. Actually, I don't mind sitting in a bathtub that I've peed in. Bang a screwdriver slowly and steadily into your gums. That's what teething feels like. Two words I'd rather not hear from you: rectal thermometer. There's no point in teaching me to say" mama" or" dada" My first word is going to be" hat" I've told you five times what cow says. If you can't remember, I'm not telling you again. There is no question that I can cry longer than you can listen. I'm not just wildly throwing my food. I'm exploring the laws of gravity, estimating mass, and testing wind velocity. If you wanted a good sleeper, you should have gotten a cat. Who's that baby in the mirror you keep ...

... this plan just might work. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. [Author Unknown-from 'LAB Laughs ' (LABLaughsClean @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... curves in anyone's small intestine, but the forced march through the woods has made me so ravenous I can't help but wolf down a couple helpings of the stuff. Every bite includes a crunchy portion of sand, turning the mixture into cement immediately upon hitting the stomach. Fred had told me earlier that he hadn't brought any beer. When this turns out to be the truth I shrug it off, sobbing uncontrollably for less than an hour." Isn't this great, Dad ?" my son marvels. I gaze upon him expressionlessly. He has spent the evening playing in the creek, fishing for trout, and catching fireflies. Why couldn't he be content sitting with glazed eyes in front of Nintendo like other red-blooded American boys? I fear I've lost him forever." Evolution, son. We must deal with it" I gesture subtly with my fork at Fred, who blinks in the sudden spray of wiener juice." If man had been ...

... Mignon." Okay, okay, let's be calm. Everything is going to be all right ," Fred says softly." Why are you talking like a psychotherapist? I need help !"" All you have to do is work your way over to a tree and climb it ," Fred assures me." You'll be safe there" I look over at the trees, none of which appear any friendlier than the bear." Have you got a ladder ?"" Dad, how big is the bear ?" my son asks worriedly. I don't want to frighten him." Big enough to eat all of us ," I answer." Cool !" The bear suddenly gives up on the cooler and lifts itself up on its hind legs, holding its nose to the air. The only food within sniffing distance is me, and as it fixes me with a cold, unwinking stare I realize it is getting ready to charge." Fred, ...

... an allowance, Is going to buy me something neat. No more eating after we shop, no more joking alone the way, Son, I too have a BILL OF RIGHTS, That goes into effect today. What's the matter, why are you crying? What are you doing down on your knees? You mean you are asking God to help you, Instead of C. S. D? Addendum-Ephesians 6: 2 (NIV)" Honor your father and mother-which is the first commandment with a promise.." [Anonymous-from Ronald] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitchell bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last! Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded," What happened, Father ?" All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost! Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you! The priest nodded wisely and said" That's the problem with you Protestants. you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites" [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... replied curtly." What's wrong ?" Miss Swickey looked up at the preacher standing over her. Her eyes were rimmed with red." I'll tell you what's wrong. EVERYTHING is wrong, from that infernal misnamed sheep over there, to fist-fights in the stable, to a kid who can't say a simple word like frankincense, to. Well, you name it. There is no way this pageant is going to be ready by tomorrow night" Pastor Spicknal put a fatherly hand on Miss Swickey's heaving shoulders." There now. Everything will be fine. Just have a little faith. Remember what Jesus said about the mustard seed and moving the mountain"" What I really need is the mountain to fall on me, Pastor" Pastor Spicknal patted the woman lightly on the shoulder and smiled." Take my advice, Miss Swickey. Believe that the pageant will go on with the minimum of trouble, and it will" Then he was ...

... Kayak Lessons I don't recall ever having expressed an interest in kayaking. Any activity which requires the participants to wear a helmet and a life jacket is plainly something in which I should not be involved. In fact, I pretty much avoid all sports which cannot be played while holding a hot dog. Nonetheless, for Father's Day this year my children purchased me kayak lessons at the local recreation center. Now, for you uninitiated, a kayak is a thin sliver of boat into which the victim is hermetically sealed by way of a rubber" skirt" Picture being adhered to a water ski by a suction cup and being handed a paddle that looks like a helicopter rotor-that's kayaking. A kayak is about as stable as a guest on the Jerry Springer Show-it feels as if it will dive for the bottom at the slightest excuse. Kayaks were invented by Eskimos to be used in their death-wish rituals, and now can be found ...

... In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write*is*letterhead. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house-only computers with laser printers. You think of the gadgets in your office as" friends ," but you forget to send your father a birthday card. You disdain people who use low baud rates. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers-and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers ' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head. You use the phrase" digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it. You constantly find yourself in groups of ...

... to be seen with all those elves. Men don't answer their mail. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a" bowlful of jelly" Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. Having to do the" Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick-up women. Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definitely a guy! Cupid flies around carrying sharp weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. However, as long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith, and Nat King Cole's version of" The Christmas Song ," it probably makes little difference ...

... , the reverend decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday. Anxious to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked Peter," Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week ?" Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied," Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church"" Fine job, Peter !" The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand." You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you" Turning to Paul, he asked" And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week ?" Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, ...

... desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this. CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words" clean" and" neat" Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing" clean" with" neat" Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called" parents" FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged ...

... Sign-Teenage Daughter's Bedroom Door From a sign I recently posted to my teenage daughter's bedroom door: Welcome to your room! Please take a few minutes to familiarize yourself with these instructions, which, like all of your father's rules, are designed to make your stay in his house comfortable and less inconvenient to his life. ROOM ACCESS: When you first enter the room, you'll notice that you'll have some trouble pushing the door into its fully open position. This is because you've elected to ignore the drawers and closet space provided for you, instead organizing all of your clothing in large heaps on the floor. I've given up trying to change your ways, so I've decided to make the best of the situation and assign your bedroom as sleeping space for our new puppy, who has proven so difficult to housebreak. Yours is the only room in the house where I can be reasonably sure it won't ruin the carpet. MAID SERVICE: ...

... next month sometime ?" Kids nowadays are into" instant gratification ," so he seemed to feel waiting an entire month was too much to ask. He even accused me of" doing nothing" at that moment, even though he could clearly see I was involved in getting comfortable on the hammock. A nurturing and involved parent, I decided to forego my nap and drive my son down to the neighborhood courts for a lesson or two, because that's just the kind of dad I am and also because my daughter baked some cookies for us to take along. Once we had stationed ourselves on either side of the net and began tapping the ball back and forth, it was immediately clear that my son had been practicing. In fact, one of his shots came directly at me with such speed it was all I could do to dodge out of the way." Hey ," I shouted," you made me drop my cookie !"" Why ...

... : This test has two stages. In stage one, scream the title of the test loudly and stomp your foot as hard as you can. If this hurts your foot, try simulating the impact by dropping a cement block from a helicopter. In stage two, drive an automobile at high speed through the neighborhood, pulling into your driveway at fifty miles an hour at one minute before midnight. Park the car with the interior dark for half an hour while the father of the house paces frantically in front of the window. Flick lights on and off several times. Repeat this process every weekend for as long as you live in the house. The" I Am Doing My Homework" test: Turn on the television, then lie on the floor in front of it, talking on the telephone. The" It Wasn't a Party, I Just Had Some Friends Over !" test: L