... Newlywed Problem A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice." Father ," he said," I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage" His father replied," Don't you love this girl ?"" Oh yes, very much ," he said ... and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks," What on earth are you doing ?"" Oh, my ," he replies," you've swallowed my ...

... Then she ’ ll bolt out and, upon spotting a mini fido, she ’ ll unleash a fearsome barrage of barking. When the alarmed owner rushes to pick up the puny pooch, and both master and mutt are quivering with fear and indignation, Ebony will stroll back to the house with obvious satisfaction. If, however, her intended prey actually growls in return, my all-bark-and-no-bite hound will collapse in submission like a cowardly house of cards. All of the small-dog owners ... life to terrorize our subdivision ’ s pint-sized pups. She sits by the front door, waiting for someone to leave it ajar. Then she ’ ll bolt out and, upon spotting a mini fido, she ’ ll unleash a fearsome barrage of barking. When the alarmed owner rushes to pick up the puny pooch, and both master and mutt are quivering with fear and indignation, Ebony will stroll back to the house with obvious satisfaction. If, however, her intended ...

... Proofread Your Bulletin*Sermon Outline: Delineate your fear. Disown your fear. Displace your rear.*Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.*If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.*Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.*Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.*Karen's beautiful solo:" It is Well with my Solo"*Congratulations to Tim and Rhonda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17.*If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.*We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.*Hymn:" I Love Thee My Ford"*Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Tin-Can Technology There is a reason the airlines don ’ t want you using your cell phone on their airplanes, and it ’ s not for the official reason they give you. It ’ s not really because they fear your cellular signal will disrupt the operation of the flight. It ’ s because they fear your cellular chatter will disrupt the emotional balance of your fellow passengers. I became aware of this fact the other day when I was attempting to take my seat on one of the oversized sardine cans that currently masquerade as a flying machine. Having survived another exhausting journey through airport security (including an airy tour of one of those exciting new “ puffer ” machines) and having emerged with my liquids, gels and bodily fluids intact, and my shoes safely back on my feet, I was looking forward to sitting down and quickly going to sleep. Unfortunately, my assigned seat was ...

... an ambush"-Infantry Journal" No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection"-Joe Gay" Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once"-Anonymous" Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do"-Unknown Marine Recruit" Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you"-Your Buddies" If you see a bomb technician running, follow him"-USAF Ammo Troop" Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death. I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80, 000 Feet and Climbing"-At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan" You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3"-Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)" The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire"" Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than Submarines in the sky"-From an old carrier sailor" ...

... the homely woman's left hand." I told you not to hit the ducks ," he said." Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity. The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman than before. St. Peter determined which one had hit the duck by the fear in his face, and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand." I told you not to hit the ducks ," he said." Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity" The third man became extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this, fortunately, he still hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of three months, ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Fear of Flying Flying might not be all plain sailing, but the fun of it is worth the price-Amelia Earhart I wonder if Ms. Earhart would say the same thing about flying today. I ’ m betting that if she experienced the kind of flight I had recently – complete with a putrid porta-potty, trash-talking tots and lost (and then leaking) luggage – she might just rethink the whole aviation adventure thing. I flew to our nation ’ s capital for the weekend and, stupidly, I checked my suitcase. See, earlier this year, I had arrived for another flight with all of my liquids crammed into a Ziploc bag in compliance (or so I thought) with airport security rules. I am a typical, middle-aged modern woman. It takes a great many lotions, creams and gels – in a variety of chemical combinations – to render me smooth, sweet-smelling ...

... . Unlike the visiting team, which is named after men who once packed meat into little cans, the home team was named after a group of plundering pirates called buccaneers. This seemed to me like a good omen for the home team. Pirates could surely beat Packers. I was joined in this belief by many Buccaneer fans, especially the ones directly behind me who showed their support by combining loud, pirate-like bellows (Aargh !) with beer-propelled belches worthy of the most fearsome buccaneer. Because the stadium is thoughtfully crammed with more seats than one would think possible, I could actually feel these belches on the back of my neck. I could smell them too. That made it even more special. And it didn ’ t much matter that I don ’ t understand the first thing about football. The fans behind me provided a running commentary on the mental and physical capacity of each player (“ You ’ re an idiot !” or “ My grandma ...

... It was for the third member of the team that the son wrote out a translation of my request, carefully jotting down the English words above my text, as follows: Greetings to you, friend of the forest: Above the home of my people lies the ghost of the growth of the planet, whose broad arms have enfolded us in the darkness of their frowns during the long periods of light and the playing of the little children of my loins. Now I fear that a great inclination seizes this hair of Douglass, with the making of a horrible momentum that seeks to cleave the sheltering and disrupt the napping of the father of my offspring. I pray you'll sing the ribbons of restraint and petition the linked chewer to formerly see the dried plumbing of those perilous offshoots of trunk, of which my compatriot Fred exposed electrifying laziness, with not a bruising of crown nor canceling of the eyes of the house. Upon autopsy, please to be ...

... , where I pointed out a store full of appealing but inexpensive baubles sure to warm a young girl ’ s heart. “ Can ’ t you go in and get it for me, and I ’ ll pay you back ?” he pleaded. I refused. It was time for the boy to bite the bullet and enter the arena alone. I had to actually push my reluctant Romeo into the shop, where he dithered at the entrance for many minutes, apparently fearing that his mere presence in such a prettified place would render him unmanly. Finally, I heard the store clerk offer to help. When she asked him how much he wanted to spend, his answer – “ As little as possible ” – made me pity his poor girlfriend. But he finally emerged with an acceptable gift. So, thanks to me, my curmudgeon of a son survived the birthday and came out undeservedly smelling like that proverbial rose. The next day, ...

... to" clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said," I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior" John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a ...

... timorous kicks, which caused the slightest flicker of an ear on my one-foot-in-the-grave mount. One of the wranglers then gave him a resounding whack on the rear, and RIP ever so slowly started down the trail. Meanwhile, my mom had been placed on a more lively horse named Navajo, who took great delight in leaving the trail to munch on grass. Back in the day, as my kids say, my five-foot mother was an elementary school teacher who could strike fear into the hearts of recalcitrant schoolboys with just a glance. Being faced with the equine equivalent of a delinquent, she mustered all her teaching techniques to subdue him. And as sometimes happens when teachers meet a student for the first time, she got his name wrong. “ Now Napoleon ,” she said in her strictest schoolmarm tone, “ you get yourself back on the trail this minute or you ’ ll be hearing from me, mister ” Navajo / Napoleon, of course ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Middle School Mosh Pit I thought I was being a good parent by volunteering recently to be a chaperone at my son ’ s 8th grade dance. Judging, though, by his apparent horror when I told him, I suspect my boy will not consider my presence a highlight of his upbringing. Nevertheless, I was there, and after witnessing what passes for dancing among the middle school set, I fear for the survival of our civilization. On the positive side, the dance has been responsible for a heartening improvement in my son ’ s hygiene habits. When he first attended as a sixth-grader, my pubescent progeny had to be persuaded to take a shower and apply a couple of swipes of deodorant. This year, however, he actually wore a suit and slathered himself in a variety of studly-smelling products so powerful I had to drive with the windows open. He even claimed to have ...

... . Ignore or deny physical pain. As comedian Billy Crystal reports," Mike Tyson once hit Trevor Berbick so hard, Trevor did the dance Ann-Margaret did in Bye Bye, Birdie. Did he hurt you, Trevor? 'I was, ah, stunned, that's all, just stunned" Never openly display a broken heart or discuss it with other guys .That's between you, your six-pack and your collection of Frank Sinatra records. Don't tell another man your deepest hopes or fears. That's like saying ," How do you like my suit of armor-It's only got two weak spots in it-here and here" If you want to lose weight, don't even think about giving up Ben & Jerry's Chuncky Monkey ice cream. Instead, pull on your running shoes and pound those calories into submission. Every guy should be hip about guns. Hand an economics professor a Remington, and even if he's never been within 100 light years of a gun ...

... , or program I will receive immediately after I forward this. People are just trying to talk me into doing it to make me look like a fool. The American Red Cross will not donate 50 cents to a certain individual dying of some never heard of before disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations, they don't donate! And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things on to my friends for fear they will think I am not their friend .or by telling me I have no conscious or don't believe in JESUS CHRIST. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it along .but even if it does come by e-mail, I'm sure He will care enough to delete all those annoying forwarded's in it! Now, repeat this 4 times to yourself until you've memorized it and then send ...

... Valentine ’ s Day. If you don ’ t have a girl, you ’ re miserable. And if you do have a girl, you ’ re miserable, not to mention broke. Cupid is so stupid !” Actually, Cupid must be pretty smart, even though he apparently has never been able to get out of diapers. At this time of year, the little flying man with the bow and arrow manages to make fully half of our species quiver with fear. (Get it – bow and arrow, quiver) That ’ s because men tend to see Feb. 14 as a trial-by-fire day during which they try to stay out of trouble while not forking over too much money. Kind of like a Survivor for Sweethearts reality show. Unlike the million-dollar winner on the real Survivor show, however, the most a man who makes it through Valentine ’ s Day can hope for is a wash. At least that ’ s what ...

... what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget! What comes next? N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow! P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, J ust give me a pill and I'll be good as new. Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R for reflux, one meal turns to two. S for sleepless nights, counting my fears. T for tinnitus; there's bells in my ears. U is for urinary; big troubles with flow; V is for vertigo, that's" dizzy" you know. W is for worry, NOW what's going round? X is for X-ray, and what might be found. Y is another year I'm left here behind, Z is for zest that I still have -in my mind. [Author Unknown-from Andy Chap (andychaps_the-funnies @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor ...

... or a tornado, because then of course you can't hear them. STORM CELLAR: A great place to go during a tornado, as it is almost 100 %safe, though weigh your options carefully, as most are not cared for and are homes to rats and snakes. MAY-JUNE: Tourist season in Oklahoma, when people who are tired of bungee jumping and diving out of airplanes decide it might be fun to chase a tornado. These people usually end up on Fear Factor. JULY-AUGUST Tourist season in Alberta, when people are tired of Rodeo stuff like Bronc Busting or riding Brahma Bulls by the name of Twister. BAROMETRIC PRESSURE: Nobody really knows what this is, but when it drops a lot of pregnant women go into labor, which makes for exciting moments as their husbands are trying to drive them to the hospital and dodge tornadoes at the same time. CARS: The worst place to be during a tornado (next to a mobile ...

... the General Patton of the barbecue set, a tyrant with tongs who must not be questioned. Grilling, after all, is a man ’ s job. As everyone knows, only a Y guy – one of those brave bearers of the Y chromosome also known as men – can possibly tame the open flame. After 20 years of marriage, I ’ ve come to expect this annual transformation. The man who won ’ t touch the stovetop in our kitchen for fear that it might infuse him with estrogen becomes overnight an expert on cooking in the great outdoors, where only testosterone is allowed to roam free. Woe to the woman who tries to tell him how to grill. Even though I know this, I usually cannot resist the temptation at the beginning of each summer to rile my king of the crackling cut of meat at least a little bit. I usually do this by suggesting that he needs to clean his grill. Due to ...

... baskets full of clean clothes in need of folding. Taking advantage of the idle hands in my living room, I placed a basket in front of each boy. You'd think, by the looks of horror on their faces, that I was experiencing a wardrobe malfunction right in front of them." You want us to fold during football ?" one gasped as nacho cheese dribbled down his chin. My son was speechless, emitting only strange, inhuman noises that made me fear for his sanity." Never mind ," I sighed, retreating like a wounded duck. That's when I understood that football and I could never be allies; we'd have to remain wary competitors, sharing the love of our loose end. Then I went to fold my laundry.~Jackie Papandrew~Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes. [by: Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2006-{ used with permission}] Inspirational ...

... and your one regret is that you will not have an opportunity to punish your children for bringing you to this hellish place. Brakes cut in and you slam to a stop. You gingerly touch your face to confirm it has fallen off." Wasn't that fun, dad ?" your kids ask." Why are you kissing the ground ?" At the end of the day, you let your teenager drive home. (After the theme park, you are impervious to fear) [by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2000-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... his grubbies, from his head to his foot So it didn ’ t matter that his clothes were tarnished with leaves and a root. But a bundle of lights he still held on his back And he looked like a murderer when he gave me that sack. His eyes, how they glared at me, ‘ til I felt very wary His cheeks, they were burning as red as a cherry. His not-so-droll mouth told me his anger I did sow And I feared that his temper, it surely would blow. A stray piece of grass he picked out of his teeth Then he brushed off the leaves encircling his head like a wreath. He had a mad face and his little round belly It shook when he moaned like a bowl full of jelly. He ’ s a bit chubby and plump, usually a right jolly old elf But I didn ’ t dare laugh at him then, if I valued myself. The frown on his ...

... any such admonition when my first-born was struck by the love bug. The invention of the IPOD means that kids get to shoot their sentimental songs directly into their ears with no one else being the wiser. So I never heard it coming. I thought my son ’ s angst-ridden expression was just a bad case of indigestion. By the time a cute little snippet of a girl appeared at my door swinging a blond ponytail and wielding a metaphorical woman ’ s weapon-feared by all mothers of sons – capable of separating me from my baby, it was too late. He was smitten. I used to think girls were far more affected by these things than boys. I was wrong. My son, the child who normally can ’ t shut his mouth, is absolutely tongue-tied in the presence of this girl. His eyes have a tender, deer-in-the-headlights look when she ’ s around, and his face wears a moony expression that is absolute ...

... FACILITY ?" Sometimes referred to as" Homes for the Technologically Infirm ,"" Technical Invalid Care Centers ," or" Homes for the Technically Challenged ," Assisted Computing Facilities (ACFs) are modeled on assisted living facilities, and provide a safe, structured residential environment for those unable to handle even the most common, everyday multitasks. Most fully accredited ACFs, like Silicon Pines, are an oasis of hope and encouragement that allow residents to lead productive, technologically relevant lives without the fear and anxiety associated with actually having to understand or execute the technologies themselves. WHO SHOULD BE IN AN ACF? Sadly, technology is advancing at such a dramatic rate that many millions, of all ages, will never truly be able to understand it, putting an undue burden on those friends and family members who must explain it to them. But unless the loved one is suffering from a truly debilitating affliction, such as Reinstallzheimers, the decision to commit is entirely personal. ...

... . Has everyone had a chance to look at the draft I posted yesterday? Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I've been having Notes replication problems. Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy. Mr. Sherman: Thanks. Saaaaay, nice font. Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off Colonies Online just last week. Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be done. I fear our document will soon leak out. Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There's already a bootleg circulating. I saw it posted on alt.georgeIII.sucks last night. Mr. Franklin: @#$$%^$# General Protection Fault! Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to Windows 75. It solved that problem for me. Mr. Sherman: Thomas, the part here about the Acts of Pretended Legislation; have you considered using bullets to air out the text? Mr. ...

... heard olive oil will make it grand. I say a prayer, turn the knob, And a blue flame begins to throb. It's magic, that's why it's so blue, It'll make my tasty dinner stew. It starts to boil soon enough, And the bubbles make the oil rough. Then lo 'n-behold it starts to burn Just when it knows my back is turned. I quickly knew something was wrong When my stew's smell became too strong. But not to fear, ladies and gents, God blessed me with intelligence. All fires are quenched by water thrown, That's one sure thing I've always known. So thinking quickly I pour some in, Then I see a frightening thing begin. A fiery face came to my eyes, It must be Satan in disguise! It grabbed the stove in a flaming grasp! I screamed, and gave a frightened gasp. What happened next I can't describe, But death threatened by my side. ...

... : Another baggie of kibbles is assembled. The dog appears delighted at how the afternoon is going. The bell is rung, the dog is fed. This is repeated ten times, with the subject of the experiment becoming increasingly excited. The eleventh time, with the bag of treats wisely held out of reach, the bell is rung without a treat. The dog, now in a frenzy, barks frantically. The wife yells to please keep that animal quiet. Fearing she might come back into the living room and see the TV on, the father urges the scientist to give the canine some food to shut it up. It gobbles up the treat without appearing to chew and immediately commences barking again. More food is dispensed. Step Ten: The dog has discovered that if it wants a treat, it need only to bark. This is called" conditioned response" Pavlov would be proud. [by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2001 ...

... In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. must try this on their bed. DAY 762-Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night. DAY 765-Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm. Not working according as planned. DAY 768-I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a foamy chemical called" shampoo" What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb I got, still stuck between my teeth. DAY ...

... DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. [Author Unknown-Randy, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Mental institution escapees._Brain dead nerds._Super oxygen thieves. Latest News:_I wrecked the car._I can't use your credit card because I exceeded the credit limit._You are going to have a grandchild._False alarm -you aren't going to have a grandchild. Food:_Is great!_Even makes me appreciate your cooking_I have had pizzas and soda for the last twenty meals._I stopped eating out of fear. Grades:_I am making all A's_I am not being properly challenged_I will be home after this semester_I never knew they had a letter grade below F I study:_Night and day_All the time_Eighty hours a week_Only on Sunday afternoon_None of the above Daily Devotions:_I read my Bible everyday_I can't read_Someone stole my Bible while I was at the local bar On my last visit ...

... Cartoon Law II Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Cartoon Law III Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Cartoon Law IV The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Cartoon Law V All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Cartoon Law VI As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. Cartoon Law VII Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. ...

... we all wanted to know What made the gals all do The things they did, and then we found That the whittling owner knew. A speaking system he'd devised, To make the thing complete, He tied a speaker on the wall Behind the toilet seat. He'd wait until the gals got set, And then the devilish tyke Would stop his whittling long enough, To speak into the mike. And as she sat, a voice below Struck terror, fright and fear." Please use the other hole, We're painting under here !" [Author Unknown-from andychaps_the-funnies] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... swings, These are a few of my favorite things. When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad, I simply remember my favorite things And then I don't feel so bad. Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food nor no food with onions, Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring, These are a few of my favorite things. Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin, Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin. And we'll never mention our short shrunken frames When we remember our favorite things. When the joints ache, when the hips break, When the eyes grow dim, I simply remember the great life I've had, And then I don't feel so bad. I SIMPLY REMEMBER THE GREAT LIFE I'VE HAD, AND THEN I DON'T FEEL SOOOO BAAAAD. [Author Unknown-Aiken Drum (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] ...

... in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it-it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, fear not. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves! Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming VTX with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for," Bonsai !" or maybe," Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum !" The leap was nothing short ...

... . Fred had told me earlier that he hadn't brought any beer. When this turns out to be the truth I shrug it off, sobbing uncontrollably for less than an hour." Isn't this great, Dad ?" my son marvels. I gaze upon him expressionlessly. He has spent the evening playing in the creek, fishing for trout, and catching fireflies. Why couldn't he be content sitting with glazed eyes in front of Nintendo like other red-blooded American boys? I fear I've lost him forever." Evolution, son. We must deal with it" I gesture subtly with my fork at Fred, who blinks in the sudden spray of wiener juice." If man had been meant to camp, we would have been born with four-wheel drive" Night falls hard in the American wilderness. I call my son's attention to the croak of various small animals being eaten by lions, though Fred insists they are crickets." Like a cricket would ...

... to do with words. Sometimes, to add insult to injury, a dash is even forced to stand between the" eyes ” and the" mouth ” to indicate a nose:). Is there no end to the indignity? I know this blight upon language has been around for a while and that many software programs can now create emoticons — even animated emoticons that move e-nnoyingly around on your computer screen — without sacrificing the lives of priceless punctuation. But I fear our mother tongue is still in peril. Words are wasting away; standard spelling is falling out of fashion. It's as if we are moving backward in time, back to a world where man crudely expressed his thoughts with hieroglyphics. Actually, now that I think about it, hieroglyphics were a lot more sophisticated than the smiley face. We may be in real trouble here, folks. Until recently, I thought I was immune to emoticon creep. My text stood on ...

... I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. Men love gadgets and lots of it. My husband has practically everything from Sharper Image. Name it, he has it, but does he need all of them-I didn't think so. All men hate to hear" We need to talk about our relationship" These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man ...

... the morning already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important ?"" Brad, look at the bottom of column 4"" Why? What's that story on ?"" Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already !"" OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear !" The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues. Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks," So Mike, where are you calling me from right now ?" [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments ' (TheBible @USA.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... the Earth. ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest" ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your" carpal tunnel syndrome" ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. Oh, and usually the first to be incarcerated. HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then ...

... your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. Insist that your email address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess @companyname.com Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it" IN". Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors ' Reply to everything someone says with," That's what you think" Finish all your sentences with" In accordance with the prophecy" Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it ...

... The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink. I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play. If your best shots are the practice swing and the" gimme Putt ", you might wish to reconsider this game. Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only important if you can finally enjoy the level you've reached after you've reached it. Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you. Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work. and both are expensive. The best wood in most amateurs ' bags is the pencil. To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly. In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers. they shoot a" six ," yell" fore" and write" five" Swing easy. Hit hard. If you find yourself pleased ...

... slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink. If your best shots are the practice swing and the" gimme putt ," you might wish to reconsider this game. Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only important if you can finally enjoy the level you've reached after you've reached it. Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you. Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work. and both are expensive. The best wood in most amateurs ' bags is the pencil. To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly. In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers. they shoot a six, yell fore and write five. Swing easy. Hit hard. If you find yourself pleased that you locate more ...

... scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the bayou and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and not just some drunk. ...

... to the mall! They stopped first at Sears to buy Grandma a platter, At Wards Sis tried on jeans that confirmed she was fatter! They stopped at the ATM for some more cash, And saw their new neighbors with THEIR Christmas stash! Hearts sank as they saw what their neighbors could spend," We've got to buy more !" Everybody chimed in! When, what to their shopping red eyes should appear, But a sign with the answer to their Christmas fear." Use credit, use VISA, use MasterCard, Just run up their limits, it's not very hard !" More rapid than eagles, the charges, they came And they whistled and shouted and called them by name. Now Nordstroms, now K-Mart, now Price Club and Kinneys, To Broadway, to Target, we'll finish at Penney's! To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall, Their packages piled up; they'd OUT-BOUGHT THEM ALL !! ...

... make sun tea instantly. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron! The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly. You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car. You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window. Yo u actually burn your hand opening the car door. You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7: 30 a.m. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is," What if I get knocked out and end uplying on the pavement and cook to death ?" You realize that asphalt has a liquid state. The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and addbutter, salt and pepper. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiledeggs. The cows are giving evaporated milk. Ah, what a place to call home. God Bless Our State of FLORIDA! [Author ...

... , I'll let you keep it" (You can see where this is going) She told the pastor," I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws spread out, and landed right in front of her"" Fear not for I am with you; Be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" Isaiah 41: 10 [Author Unknown-from Sermon Fodder (Keith Todd)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... how to sit, give paw and fetch. It's a good thing they don't know what else we know! When personal hygiene is in question, take immediate action! Locate guests and assume position. People will get the hint and they'll love the fact that you're so thorough. When peeing on someone's property or belongings, make sure to make eye contact with the owner. They like this, it shows respect. It doesn't matter what size you are, barking instills fear in people. Even if you're a toy poodle in a fenced in yard and the person is fifty feet away, bark. They will surely run away with terror. Last, but not least, don't forget your most important job of all. When your person is feeling depressed or down, offer comfort, love and affection. Your person relies on you to lick his / her face, which makes all human problems instantly vanish! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ...