... head at 5: 00 PM and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin, and he's a lawyer. So, you'd better" e-mail this to a friend" NOW, before it is ... in a bathtub full of ice. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the past seven ... and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin, and he's a lawyer. So, you'd better" e-mail this to a friend" NOW, before it is to late !!! [Author Unknown ...

... can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't biological. I've learned-that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. I've learned-that it isn't always enough to be ... . I've learned-that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. I've learned-that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change. Addendum-John 15: 12 (NKJ)" This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have ... that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. I've learned-that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love. I've learned-that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want ...

... we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50, 000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested." Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says," I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn ... something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three men are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says," Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke ... and we haven't been able to get a new one. So, I took $70, 000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN machine and put the rest in the coffin as he asked." At this the priest says," I, too, have a confession to make. As you ...

... opinions about which is better-the track ball or the track*pad*. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't ... , but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house-only computers with laser printers. You think of the gadgets in your office as" friends ," but you forget to send your father a birthday card. You disdain people who use low baud rates. When you go into a computer store, you ... savers more frequently than your automobile tires. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better-the track ball or the track*pad*. You understand all the jokes in this message. If ...

... fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball." Don't you have at least one other golf ball ?", he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one." Are you sure ?", the friend persisted." What happens if you lose that ball ?" The other guy replied," This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it, so I don't need another one" Well ," the friend asked," what ... Special Golf Ball Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball." Don't you have at least one other golf ball ?", he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one." Are you sure ?", the friend persisted." What happens if you lose that ball ?" The other guy replied," This is a very special golf ball. ...

... e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations, they don't donate! And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things on to my friends for fear they will think I am not their friend .or by telling me I have no conscious or don't believe in JESUS CHRIST. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it along .but even ... Say It With Me Now Everyone, Say It With Me... I won't get bad luck, lose my friends, lose my mailing lists, hear any music or see a cool pop up screen if I don't forward this. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria's Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me and Ford will not give me a 50 %percent discount even if I HAVE forwarded my e-mail to more ...

... the cases were discounted 10 %. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.The cashier multiplied 2 times 10 %and gave us a 20 %discount... He also votes! I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said," Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head ?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same ... .. She also votes! My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk... My sister also votes! My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10 %. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.The cashier multiplied 2 times 10 %and gave us a 20 %discount... He ...

... talk to the witch She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend ... horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day .or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments? What ...

... could know you from. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can," I don't have any friends. would you be my friend ?" If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Tell the telemarketer you are on" home arrest" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer ... you been ?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can," I don't have any friends. would you be my friend ?" If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure ...

... are old friends, and I can prove it" So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts," Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch !" Although impressed, Colin's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky." No, no, just name anyone ... to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them" Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff," OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise ?"" Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it" So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts," Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in ...

... ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded ... an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock ...

... happen to have some water ?" the man asked." Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up" The man gestured, and the gate began to open." Can my friend ," gesturing toward his dog," come in, too ?" the traveler asked." I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets" The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he ... hell"" Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that ?"" No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind" [Source: Saint of Circumstance, via Phil Mitchell] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... with diarrhea will land on your head at 5: 00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.... Have a wonderful day.... PS. A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read ... or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't ...

... "" Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep"" Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you ?" (From Japanese friend) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave*sexy*message, I call sooner!" Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak ... John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money." Hi. Now you say something"" Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you ...

... was closed! To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye." Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life ?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA ... became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking," What is it exactly we are doing here ?" Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had ...

... left the wet towels in various rooms in the house. Waited until the sink was clean, then put some dishes that I had been saving for a few days on the counter. Later that night, arranged to have some drunk friend call up at 1: 30 in the morning, crying about something incoherent. Saturday-Slept late. Purposely dawdled all morning, timing everything so that it started raining as soon as I got the lawnmower out of the garage. Went ... the safety seal on the counter. Then turned the TV on and left for work. Later, opened a new package of Oreo cookies and took all but 6 to nibble on while I went driving around aimlessly with some slightly stoned friends. Tuesday-Slept late. Ate the last of the Oreo cookies, and carefully put the empty container back in the snack drawer. Parked my car across the driveway to make it difficult for anyone else to get into the garage. ...

... letter saying I approved of it"-Mark Twain" He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends"-Oscar Wilde" I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend. if you have one"-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill" Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second. if there is one"-Winston Churchill, in response." I feel so miserable without you; it's ... idea of any man I know"-Abraham Lincoln" I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it"-Mark Twain" He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends"-Oscar Wilde" I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend. if you have one"-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill" Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ...

... mate to be cheerful, make them feel like a king or a queen! A merry heart doeth good like a medicine, it says in Proverbs 17 and twenty-TWO. And a broken spirit drieth the bones. Come on, my friend, you know what to do! So if you really want a truly harmonious life, better watch what you say, to that woman who's your wife! But if you ARE a wife, and you have a good man. You ... right! I even wrote a poem about it! Each time it hurts, your mouth compresses. Just like you're cleaning a spoon! Then you find it's really depressing, when you realize, you look like a prune! My friends, this really shouldn't be. You know why? Just take a good look. The Lord tells us this and more, in His most beautiful, wonderful book! A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance, it says in Proverbs 15 ...

... brain get idle." An idle mind is the devil's workshop" And the devil's name is Alzheimer's! Enjoy the simple things. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM / HER. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. LIVE while you ... Keeping It Simple Its really sort of simple: Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches ;) Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle." An idle mind is the devil's ...

... sometimes I just forget to eat" Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the ... about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire ...

... a dentist. -Timothy U, age 7 Jamestown, NY When will we have a woman president? I am ready. -Brooke A, age 10 Peoria, IL Do you have any friends in Congress? My mom says your only friend is the vice-president. -Richard D, age 8 Greenwich, CT Someday I hope there will be a woman president. But not my sister. She will drive everybody crazy-the Democrats and Republicans. -A citizen, Lawrence K, age ... if it isn't enough money then I will become a dentist. -Timothy U, age 7 Jamestown, NY When will we have a woman president? I am ready. -Brooke A, age 10 Peoria, IL Do you have any friends in Congress? My mom says your only friend is the vice-president. -Richard D, age 8 Greenwich, CT Someday I hope there will be a woman president. But not my sister. She will drive everybody crazy-the Democrats and ...

... like that. They look gross when they kiss"" Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen"" If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate"" Love is hugging. Love is kissing. Love is saying no"" When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do ... . But God makes both kinds of them"" Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday"" Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well"" During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing ...

... -4-seasons really are: hurricane season, love bug season, tourist season, Summer. You've actually hosted a hurricane party. You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee, Withlacoochee and Micanopy. You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself. You were 25 when you first met someone who couldn't swim. You've worn shorts and used the A / C on Christmas and New Years (oh yeah !) You recognize Miami-Dade as 'Northern ... to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade. Your winter coat is made of denim. You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites. You're younger than 50 but some of your friends are over 65. Anything under 70 degrees is chilly. You've driven through YeeHaw Junction. You know that no other grocery store can really compare to Publix. Every other house in your neighborhood had blue roofs in 2004-2005. You know that ...

... word is out at my house that the homemade casserole I served for dinner is really three-day-old diced sweat potatoes and stuffing covered in cheese sauce, my non-cooking days are over. Yes-sir-ee. However, if my past experience dealing with Thanksgiving leftovers has taught me anything at all, it's that I can get away with serving cranberry and turkey sandwiches once, maybe twice, before my family starts to catch on and I must use all of my wits to outsmart them. My friend Julie is good at this. Each year her family unknowingly eats a variation of Thanksgiving dinner for every meal well into December. This is because on the day after the holiday she serves them a huge dinner of cold turkey, stuffing, and everything else she had saved from the night before. Then, sometime during dessert, she wanders into the kitchen, opens the refrigerator door, throws her arms out to her sides and loudly proclaims," Oh my! I can't ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! The Power of Pigskin I suppose it ’ s far too late to point out that I am definitely not ready for some football. I doubt even Hank Jr. and all his rowdy friends could come over and make me appreciate the game. Yet here we are, once again deeply embedded in the season of beering and cheering, of touchdowns and testosterone. And I ’ m realizing how much the power of pigskin has shaped my life. It started, as most psychologically traumatizing things do, in childhood. My father was gripped by a grave case of gridiron giddiness, and most of his mania was focused on the University of Oklahoma Sooners. Game days were serious business around our house. By the time my dad ’ s friends arrived to catch the kickoff with their first brewski, the air was electric with excitement. If the Sooners did well, all would be right with the ...

... To My Dear Friend To My Dear Friend, Pastor Phil Blowhorn: I sure hope attendance at your church was better'n my church. Mercy, pastorin ' ain't always easy, now is it? We had us a bunch of sick folk, and them added to all the shut-ins made for a whole lot uh pew cushions to look at from the pulpit. I got to admit, I was feelin ' somewhat put out, but I went ahead and preached anyhows. Only thing was, with all them people missin ' the echo in the church gave me a hoot of a headache. My wife said I needed to git out and ride a bit 'cause the fresh air would make me feel better. Well, she took to drivin ' and I took to ridin ' and sure 'nuff, she was right. Not only did my head clear up, but what I saw renewed my faith in the Good Lord. I tell you, ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Cruise Control If the Good Lord had wanted us to eat sensibly this time of year, he wouldn ’ t have invented the cruise ship. It must have been divine compulsion that drove my family and a couple thousand of our closest friends to set sail recently on an after-Christmas cruise in the Caribbean. It ’ s not that we wanted to sail around the sea for a few days eating everything in sight. We certainly didn ’ t choose to arrive home after our gluttonous voyage weighing about the same, in tonnage, as the boat we came in on. So we must have been on a mission from God. The human psyche is a funny thing. Despite having inhaled enough calories during the holidays to keep Paris Hilton alive into the next millennium, when presented with limitless amounts of food on board ship, we fell to eating as if we were famine victims. We ate and ...

... I have to write everything I ever write over again. Lois God, It's o.k. that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up some-times. Arnold Dear God In bible times did they really talk that fancy? Jennifer Dear God, I would like to know why all the things you said are in red? Joanne Dear God what does it mean you are a jealous God. I thought you had everything. Jane Dear God, Is reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through business? Donny Did you really mean Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You, because if you did then I'm going to fix my brother. Darla Dear God, When you made the first man did he work as good as we do now? Tom Dear God My grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis Dear God, I know all ...

... Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece. ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty. INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside." I SAID SO ": Reason enough, according to Mom. JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends ' homes for the night. JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals. JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids. JUNK: Dad's stuff. KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right. KISS: Mom medicine. LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do ...

... Heaven.Then you can choose where to spend eternity." Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven ," says the senator." I'm sorry but we have our rules" And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down to Hell. The doors open, and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her. Everyone is very happy. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before she realizes it ...

... : Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Age Before Beauty Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.~Mark Twain Now that spring has sprung, it ’ s time for women of a certain age and with an uncertain waistline – women whose bodies have been happily hibernating all winter-to torment themselves by thinking about the approach of yet another season of swimsuit exposure. I saw this torment on the face of a friend of mine not long ago when she stopped by for a cup of coffee. We lamented the increasing force of gravity on our various body parts. “ My thighs have fallen below my knees ,” my friend said glumly, “ and you don ’ t even want to know about my other falling objects. My husband has threatened to trade me in for a newer model ” Through no fault of our own, we have somehow reached that age where things are starting to fall ...

... family packed into a station wagon and steamed itself into a bad mood for two days, arriving finally at some dreary motel near a beach or a park for four nights of bad mattresses and my father complaining about the price of everything (" Can you believe it? Two bucks for a cup of coffee ?") before we packed ourselves back into the car for the return trip, which somehow always took three times as long as it did coming out. We sent postcards to friends so they would think we were having a grand time and were to be envied." Wish you were here ," we'd write, as if having one more person jammed into a cramped, humid little room would somehow make the whole thing more bearable. As delightful as that all sounds, people today apparently want more from their vacations. How else to explain the pamphlet that hit my desk the other day, promising a" Survival Training Camp Vacation !"? Apparently for several thousand ...

... is no great grown-up enigma that is magically made manifest when you reach a certain age. I stayed up late on New Year ’ s Eve, wearing a funny hat while drinking certain enervating beverages and humming along to Auld Lang Syne because I never could remember the words. But I didn ’ t really feel any different from the baffled kid I had been. The cattle-calling pot and the old lame sign were merely the beginning of my bewilderment. My parents have some friends who for years have thrown what I ’ ve always called a “ fuddy-duddy ” New Year ’ s Eve fest. They set their clocks ahead so that their guests can celebrate the arrival of midnight three hours early. So even though all the partygoers knows it ’ s actually only 9 PM, they blow their noisemakers and cover each other with kisses, and they ’ re still home in bed by 10 o ’ clock. In my earlier, more riotous days, I ...

... him. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed. The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally, he said to Timmy," Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her ?" Timmy nonchalantly replied," Yea, I know who she is" The little friend said," Well who is she ?"" That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy said." Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following ...

... What is Marketing? You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say," I am very rich. Marry me !" That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says," He's very rich. Marry him" That's Advertising. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say," Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me" That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and compliment her hair. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say," By the way, I'm very rich" Will you ...

... since she was up early in the morning with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get out and get some exercise as well, so she agreed help. The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the entire week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's friend noticed the same lady following them, as she had done every day, all week long. Finally he said to Timmy," Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her ?" Timmy nonchalantly replied," Yeah, I know who she is" The friend said," Well, who is she ?"" That's just Shirley Goodnest ," Timmy replied," and her daughter Marcy"" Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she ...

... in the particular breed they were looking for, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look-up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast; using his paws with great dexterity. It turns out the dog had been previously owned by a 'fundamentalist ' minister. They were so impressed they purchased the dog, and went home. That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new 'fundamentalist ' dog and his great skills, they called in the dog to show him off a little. There friends were impressed too, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about" normal" dog tricks. Well, they said." Let's try this out" Once more they called the dog and they clearly ...

... Yesterday-Today-Tomorrow Yesterday I met a stranger. Today this stranger is my friend. Had I not taken the time to say hello, or return a smile, or shake a hand, or listen, I would not have known this person. Yesterday would have turned into today and our chance meeting would be gone. Yesterday I hugged someone very dear to me. Today they are gone. and tomorrow will not bring them back. Wouldn't it be nice if we all knew tomorrow would be here? But this is not to be, so take the time TODAY to give a hug, a smile, an" I love you". JUST FOR TODAY, .smile at a stranger .listen to someone's heart .drop a coin where a child can find it .learn something new, then teach it to someone .tell someone you're thinking of them .hug a loved one .don't hold a grudge .don't be afraid to say" I'm sorry" .look ...

... . Try to figure out why yourreads" You are visitor number 16.3 E10"~3 hours. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text~8 hours. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP~40 minutes. Accidentally delete your complete web page~1 second. Recreate your web page~2 days. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server~3 weeks. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP~30 minutes. Download FTP software~10 minutes. Call your friend again~15 minutes. Upload your web page to your ISP's server~10 minutes. Connect to your site on the web~1 minute. Repeat any and all of the previous steps~eternity. [Author Unknown-from 'Clean Laffs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Summertime It ’ s summertime, and the living should be easy. Someone should write a song along those lines. But until someone does, it ’ s up to me to suggest that we should turn the tables on this sweaty season and make it work for us. We should think of the heat as a friend rather than an enemy, a ready-made excuse for all of our various shortcomings. OK, maybe some of you don ’ t believe you have any shortcomings and therefore don ’ t need an excuse for them. You are also probably the same people who believe that pigs fly and there is a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow. But for the rest of us, these lazy, hazy, crazy days that the great Nat King Cole sang about are ideal cover for a multitude of faults. Intellectual faults, for example. Say you are far behind ...

... volunteered to coach his school's powder puff football team, a fact that seemed to fill his father with pride." It is a great way to meet girls ," said my husband, his chest expanding. I just shook my head. Realizing it was a losing battle, I decided, reluctantly, to embrace the madness. I boned up on gridiron lingo and proudly spread the word to all my pals about my boy's performance on the team. Unfortunately, my football-averse friends failed to point out that I'd gotten his position slightly wrong. I found that out when I went to pick him up after a powder puff practice. Approaching a pack of puffs on the sidelines, I smiled warmly." My son is your coach ," I said." He's a loose end, you know, on the school's team" For some reason, the group of girls began to giggle. Baffled, I later informed my son that some of his puffs ...

... breaking for the first time in his life." Wow, this is great ," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight-lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass." Hey ," he called." I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits ?"" Yes. Come and join us ," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good." What else do you wild rabbits do ?" he asked." Well ," one of them said." You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them" This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again," What else do you ...

... Farming-USA TO: The Honorable Secretary of Agriculture, Washington, D.C. Dear Sir, My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for $10, 000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the" not raising hogs" business next year. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. My friend, Peterson, ...

... manager spoke up and said," This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often" Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck. Sighting #4: I worked with an Individual who plugged his power strip back into itself and for the life of him could not understand why his system would not turn on. Sighting #5: (a rare" double sighting "): A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me, I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too. Sighting #6: (from Tech Support ): Tech Support:" How much free space do you have on your hard drive ?" Individual:" Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, ...

... Laws of Parenting Sir Isaac Newton may have discovered the laws of gravity, but here's a parallel set of laws that govern moms and dads. A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance he or she is away from the parent. Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time. The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house. A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment. The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home. A child will always eat exactly what he or she has loved for the past year-unless it is the only food in the fridge. The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor ...

... this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home." Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers ," the son said." It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity"" Oi vey ," replied the father," what have I done" So in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace." It is amazing that you should come to me ," stated his friend," I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian" So in the tradition of the patriarchs they went to the Rabbi." It is amazing that you should come to me ," stated the Rabbi," I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons ?"" Brothers, we must ...

... New York, New York-It's a Wonderful Town! Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking fast, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who in the park sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy." Lil ' Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal ," he starts writing in his notebook." But I'm not a Giants fan ," the little hero replied." Sorry, since we're in New York, I just assumed you were ," said the reporter and starts again." Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack! How's that ?" he continued writing in his notebook." I ain't a Jets fan either ," the boy said." I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or at least the Jets. What ...

... ?" You read National Geographic and recognize someone. You have a time zone map next to your telephone. You consider a city 500 km away to be" very close". You watch nature documentaries, and think about how good that animal would taste if it were fried. You can cut grass with a machete, but can't start a lawnmower. You speak with authority on the subject of airline travel. You read the international section before the comics. You have friends from or in 29 different countries. You sort your friends by continent. Fitting 15 or more people into a car seems normal to you. You refer to gravel roads as highways. You haggle with the checkout clerk for a lower price. You don't think that two hours is a long sermon. You marvel at the cleanliness of gas station bathrooms. You think you've died and gone to heaven when you go into a foreign grocery store. You think a" foreign school ...

... I'm talking to you! Are you, an Internet addict? Have you looked in the mirror lately? Are you looking at your computer screen day and night, online, for no particular reason? Are you bleary-eyed all the time? Do you know what day of the week it is? When you are away from your PC for more than 2 hours, do you experience anxiety attacks? Your name was given to us by a spouse, family member, or friend who is concerned about your Internet addiction. Let Internet-aholics Anonymous help you. We're a non-profit organization, dedicated to helping current and recovering Internet addicts like yourself. We provide confidential counseling and support, through weekly meetings, designed to help you overcome and cope with Internet addiction issues. We feature a twelve-step recovery program and for extreme Internet addiction cases, trained crisis interventions counselors are on call 24 hours a day. Although Internet-aholics are rarely totally" cured ," in most cases you ...

... Robert A. Heinlein" In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him"-Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan" Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories !"-Dr. Tom Cat" There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face"-Ben Williams" When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem"-Edward Abbey" Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it"-Unknown" Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail"-Unknown" No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does"-Christopher Morley" A dog is the only thing on earth that loves ...

... Does Your Cat Own You? Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them? Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress? Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month? Do you scoop out the litter box after each use? Do you wait at the box with the scoop in your hand? Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on the drapes or licks the butter? Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have? Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move? Do you kiss your cat on the lips? Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your spoon? Does your cat sit at the table (or ON the table) when you eat? Does your cat sleep on your head? Do you like it? Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans ...

... A Woman's Thoughts On Life Your secrets are safe with me, and all my friends. I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully. If I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat. My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance. I cleaned my house yesterday, sure wish you could have seen it. This isn't clutter, these are my antiques! If you don't like my attitude, call: 1-800-Who-Cares. Discover Wildlife! Have Kids!" Genuine Antique Person ," Been there, done that, can't remember! Our policy is to always blame the computer. I'm not aging, I just need re-potting. Take my advice, I'm not using it! Okay! I love you! Now can we eat? You know you are getting old when you stop to think and forget to start again. Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you for cleaning my face with ...

... and invites them to come to his church some Sunday. Not too many weeks thereafter and just as services are starting, they show up. Attendance was good in the small Methodist church and there wasn't a pew available. Several church members were already seated on folding chairs. When the minister, just starting the service, saw the three Baptist deacons enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the nearest usher," Please get three chairs for my Baptist friends in the back" The usher, hard of hearing, leaned closer and said," I beg your pardon ?"" Get three chairs for my Baptist friends ," repeated the minister. The usher strained closer with a puzzled look still on his face. Once more the minister tried, speaking slowly and distinctly." Three chairs. For the Baptists ," he enunciated. The usher's face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to face the congregation." All right, ...

... . Tucked under his arm was his high-school yearbook opened to his class picture. I cashed his cheque. The bank where I work had just installed its first 24-hour cash machine. I encouraged an elderly gentleman to take an application for the new plastic identification cards, explaining that he would be able to get cash any time of day or night. He declined, saying," Lady, anything I'd need money for that late at night I shouldn't be doing" A friend of mine spent two weeks touring the West with a Boy Scout troop. They were in a bank cashing checks, and one boy was having trouble because he had lost his wallet. He still claimed he had identification, but he didn't want to show it. The pretty, young teller insisted, so the Scout leaned forward and whispered in her ear. She motioned for him to come behind the counter. My friend, who was tall enough to see over the counter ...

... believe in ghosts 13 %( mostly men) have spent a night in jail 29 %of us are virgins when we marry 58.4 %have called into work sick when we weren't 10 %of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item Over 50 %believe in spanking-but only a child over 2 years old 35 %give to charity at least once a month How far would you go for $10 million? 25 %would abandon their friends, family, and church 7 %would murder 69 %eat the cake before the frosting When nobody else is around, 47 %drink straight from the carton 85 %of us will eat Spam this year 70 %of us drink orange juice daily Snickers is the most popular candy 22 %of us skip lunch daily 9 %of us skip breakfast daily 66 %of us eat cereal regularly 22 %of all restaurant meals include french fries 14 %of us eat the watermelon ...

... the long white horizontal surface in the kitchen. you know, the one with the thing we cook with on one end and the thing we put stuff into keep it cold on the other end? Um. there's a sink in it ?" Do you tell people on the phone that you'll be happy to take a message, just as soon as you find a" message-writing-down thingamabob ?" In fact, do all the nouns in your vocabulary, nouns which have been your friends and companions since you were two years old, suddenly become" thingies" when you are under pressure? You may be suffering from deficient noun disease. Deficient noun disease, or DND, is a common affliction among mothers of small children (older children too). While not a dangerous illness, DND is an exasperating and frustrating one which increases in severity in direct proportion to the number of children in the household. Common symptoms of DND include the following: Calling children ...

... get on the Internet. Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program. Customer: Oh, sorry. Internet Explorer. Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend put a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a ' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it? A woman customer called the Canon help desk about a problem with her printer. Tech support ...

... ? On an impulse, my rookie Romeo – who had never before expressed an interest in making music-used all his money to buy an electric guitar, that icon of heavy-metal manliness. Then he took a couple of online lessons and learned just enough to be able to awkwardly strum a romantic refrain or two in the presence of his sweetheart. Although the vixen who ’ s trying to steal my once-little man simpers sweetly when he does this, my daughter and her friends have a different reaction. They get great amusement out of spying on the pair, peering through the door and making loud smooching noises. This sends my son into a rage. “ Mom !!” he ’ ll scream. “ Do something !” Reluctantly, I will shoo the girls away, secretly applauding their disruption of the duo. “ Yuck, they are just so vomitocious ,” says my word-wise daughter. My thoughts exactly.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an ...

... neat" Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called" parents" FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy. CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping ...

... marital status. Sorry to hear about the divorce. But don't let it get you down-that alimony deduction will come in mighty handy in these tough financial times! Please don't cry. The economy's bound to bounce back. In the meantime, let's talk about dependents. Do you have any children? Wow! I hope they're not all in college. Do you have any other dependents? Sorry. You can't deduct your dog, even if she is your only friend. I agree. The IRS is unreasonable. But let's move on to income. What were your wages in 2008? You are having a bad go of it, aren't you? But at least you're getting the Unemployment Benefits max. I'm afraid Unemployment Benefits are taxable. The government giveth and the government taketh away. Hey, don't blame me. I'm just the messenger. Anyway, did you have any interest or dividend income or capital gains? Your spouse got everything ...

... old and obviously with failing memories, they are under the inaccurate impression that I was sometimes rather difficult to deal with when I was 13, and they seem to feel that I ’ m getting my just desserts. I have no memory of being anything other than delightful as a teenybopper. But I do remember vowing that I would never, ever repeat the fatigued phrases my mother seemed so fond of using when I was growing up. A few years ago, a friend gave me a humorous plaque that read: Mirror, Mirror on the wall, I am my mother after all. I hung this highly amusing piece of absurdity in my bathroom and looked at it whenever I needed a good laugh. Definitely not going to happen to me, I can recall thinking. But then my sweet little girl-the one who always thought I hung the moon, who used to imitate everything I did-turned into a hormone hurricane and made a ...

... Been Home All Night A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no-he lives only a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and tell him to get out of the car and" walk the line" Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place just a few houses away. The police tell the" party animal" to stay put-they'll be right back, and then they ran down the street to where the robbery took place. The guy waits and waits for the police, but since they haven't returned, he decides to drive himself home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in ...

... arrow, quiver) That ’ s because men tend to see Feb. 14 as a trial-by-fire day during which they try to stay out of trouble while not forking over too much money. Kind of like a Survivor for Sweethearts reality show. Unlike the million-dollar winner on the real Survivor show, however, the most a man who makes it through Valentine ’ s Day can hope for is a wash. At least that ’ s what a married (and male) friend of mine told me. “ You don ’ t get credit for going to a nice restaurant or buying jewelry ,” he said. “ Like paying your mortgage or showing up for work, it ’ s just expected ” Many women, on the other hand, believe that what happens on Valentine ’ s Day will be an indication of how the rest of their relationship will play out for eternity. That's a lot of pressure we're putting on our men, ladies. I ...

... Park the car with the interior dark for half an hour while the father of the house paces frantically in front of the window. Flick lights on and off several times. Repeat this process every weekend for as long as you live in the house. The" I Am Doing My Homework" test: Turn on the television, then lie on the floor in front of it, talking on the telephone. The" It Wasn't a Party, I Just Had Some Friends Over !" test: Leave town for a weekend. When you come back, check to see if the house is still standing. If the structure passes all of the tests, you can live in it with teenagers. The question is, why would you want to?-Bruce Cameron-[ by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2004, (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... the car" Why does a Yugo have a rear window defroster? To keep your hands warm while you push it in winter. How do you make a Yugo go faster? Call a towtruck. What do you call the shock absorbers inside a Yugo? Passengers. Two guys in a Yugo were arrested last night in Oakland following a push-by shooting incident. The new Yugo has an air bag. When you sense an impending accident, start pumping real fast. A friend went to a dealer the other day and said," I'd like a gas cap for my Yugo" The dealer replied," Okay. Sounds like a fair trade" How can you get a Yugo to do 60 miles an hour? Push it over a cliff. How do you double the value of a Yugo? Fill the tank with gas. What do you call a Yugo on the top of the hill? A miracle. What do Yugos have in common ...

... : A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her" Sally" Probably behind her back they call her" Forklift" Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't ...

... it with icing and decorations. The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice gave her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home. Unfortunately, when the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive looking cake had already been sold. Alice was beside herself. The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert. When Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush and tell the hostess all about it. However, before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said," What a beautiful cake !" Alice could only sit back ...

... it !" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days. So the rabbi prayed again" Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong !" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill." I told you I was right !" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes. The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a*very big*sign, but just as he said," Oh God ," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned," HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT !" The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said," Well ?"" So ," shrugged one of the other ...

... ignorance is bliss. But then the school district decided to temporarily abandon its attempts to educate my children, and it deposited them back with me, along with all their educational paraphernalia. The backpacks were flung joyously into a corner and instantly forgotten. There they sat for several days. My daughter ’ s book bag still appeared to be an item designed to transport knowledge. It was festooned with glued-on sequins, and scribbled on with cutesy messages and smiley faces from her friends. She ’ d attached a collection of fancy key chains to it. There were a few stray pieces of paper left inside and a motley collection of school supplies rolling around on the bottom. Some of the bag ’ s dignity was lost, perhaps, but it was still recognizable. And, importantly, it did not smell. My son ’ s backpack, on the other hand, bore only a theoretical resemblance to the device that started out slung over his shoulder ...

... lake in the state. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period in Dr Pepper. Texas has had six capital cities: Washington-on-the Brazos, Harrisburg, Galveston, Velasco, West Columbia and Austin. The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. which is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington DC (by 7 feet). The name" Texas" comes from the Hasini Indian word" tejas" meaning friends. Tejas is not Spanish for Texas. The State Mascot is the Armadillo (an interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies. They have one egg, which splits into four, and they either have four males or four females). The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Down !". When tempers flare among your family members, you pull out the long forefinger, pointedly raise your voice and shout," Go to your crates, now !" When someone asks what's for dinner you automatically reply," Kibbles and Bits". When you are walking a ring around the local park and someone points at you and your dog, you raise both arms over your head, whoop and go looking for a ribbon. When shopping, your best friend asks you what you think of that snappy suit in the window, and you scowl and mutter," Useless, it is the same color as my dog and it has no pockets" When your neighbor points to her crawling infant and asks you what you think of her new baby, you study it for a minute and reply," Well, a little short on coat and long in the hock, but that kid has a great topline !" Dog cookies are starting ...

... probably shouldn't either. Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and sunburn, you're still better off than the worm. Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse. There is no good reason why clothes have to match. If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog. Save a place in lines for your friends. Just keep banging until someone opens the door. Making your bed is a waste of time. Make up the rules as you go along. It doesn't matter who started it. Ask for sprinkles. Hang on tight. Ask" why" until you understand. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (AIKENSLongJoke @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... spend a lot of time at the gym. I go nearly every day, a habit I've maintained for several years now. This gives you yet another reason to admire me, I realize: Formerly, you were perhaps impressed with the amount by which I have managed to exceed my credit-card limit, or by the number of automobiles that can be found parked in my driveway whenever one of my teenagers takes advantage of the fact that I okay'd having" a couple of friends" over. I don't mind sharing with you the secrets to establishing a regular exercise routine: 1) Always stick to the same schedule, picking an hour when you'd normally be doing something even less pleasant, like work, and 2) when you get there, spend all of your time in the steam room. The steam room is a great place to relax and soothe your muscles, which are usually sore from the car ride over. You'll work up a sweat ...

... . He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knut takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knut continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says," And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either" BUT WAIT !!!! There's MORE! PART THREE: Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more, Ole shakes his haead. First der was Sven with his budgie jumping. den Knut parrotshooting. and now Lars is hengliding !" [Author Unknown-from ...

... Biker and a Squirrel A friend from Texas sent me this tonight. I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect! The weather has been unseasonably warm in Austin, so I got the bike out to go for a ride. I was on Brice Street-a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it-it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for ...

... now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader? I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection. Well, REALLY NOW-even mirrors are not made the way they used to be! Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All ...

... Camping-Seeing Stars Scott and Tom went camping. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Scott wakes his friend and says," Tom, look up at the sky and tell me what you see" Tom replies," I see millions of stars"" What does that tell you ?" asked Scott. Tom ponders for a minute, then says," Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small, and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Scott ?" Scott is silent for a moment, then says," Tom, you idiot, someone ...

... on. While we're at it, very few jobs are interested in fostering your self-expression or helping you find yourself. Fewer still lead to self-realization. (See Rules No. 1 & 2) Rule No. 10: Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be as perky as Jennifer Aniston. Rule No. 11: Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could. Rule No. 12: Smoking doesn't make you look cool. It makes you look moronic. Next time you're out cruising, watch an 11-year-old with a butt in his mouth. That's what you look like to anyone over 20. Ditto for" expressing yourself" with purple hair &/ or pierced body parts. ...

... We rented an RV. And it was great. This year, we were once again eager to explore the Great Outdoors. But thanks to my husband, we backtracked from our very civilized home on wheels to a couple of musty tents that left us wet, whiny and at least in my case, whimpering with embarrassment. Claiming that our previous RV experience did not allow sufficient bonding with Mother Nature and each other, the man I married suggested we borrow tents from friends and head for the hills. Although I suspected my cheapskate spouse was actually trying to leave enough room in the family budget for a new set of golf clubs, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and foolishly agreed to his plan. Our bonding started off with a bang when we attempted to put up the tents. After what seemed like hours and with several far-from-harmonious verbal exchanges over who knew less about what we were doing, the tents appeared to have ...

... long some, that you have received a grant from the National Institute for Health to do germ research. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their efficiency. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work. You find you really need Power Point to explain what kind of work you do. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week. You apologize to your friends who didn't get holiday cards from you." Sorry, I only sent" email cards" this year, you just didn't make the cut" You think a" half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock. You get most of your jokes via email instead of in person. [Author Unknown-from 'Arizona Humor '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh send me a man who will make love to my mind. Know what to say when I ask," How fat is my behind ?" One who'll make love till my body's a ' itchin ' He brings ME a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen. I pray that this man will love me to no end, And never compare me to my best friend. Thank you in advance and now I'll just wait, For I know you will send him before it's too late. Amen [Author Unknown-from Joy Roman, via 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (gcfl-info @gcfl.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Albert Schweitzer]" The cat has too much spirit to have no heart" [Ernest Menaul]" Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God" [Unknown]" Time spent with cats is never wasted" [Colette]" Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well" [Missy Dizick]" You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats" [Colonial American proverb]" Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want" [Joseph Wood Krutch]" I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic" [Unknown]" My husband said it was him or the cat. I miss him sometimes" [Unknown]" Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit" [Unknown] CAT RULES: CHAIRS AND ...

... Be A Kid Again Try the following: Give yourself a gold star for everything you do today. Grow a milk mustache. Open a pack of cupcakes and give one to a friend even though you wanted both of them for yourself. Have a staring contest with your cat. Kiss a frog just in case. Make a face the next time somebody tells you" no" Ask" Why ?" a lot. Believe in fairy tales. Have someone read you a story. Wear your favorite shirt with your favorite pants even if they don't match. Do a cartwheel. Hide your vegetables under your napkin. Make a" slurpy" sound with your straw when you get to the bottom of a milkshake. Sit really still for as long as the dog (or cat) is asleep in your lap. Find some pretty stones and save them. Stick your head out the car window and moo if you see a cow. Walk barefoot ...

... David vs. Goliath: HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock On Elijah on Mt. Carmel: FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY 400 Killed On the birth of Christ: HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple On feeding the 5, 000: PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH Disciples Mystified Over Behavior On healing the 10 lepers: LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED" Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy On healing of the Gadarene demoniac: MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE Local Farmer's Investment Lost On raising Lazarus from the dead: FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK Will Reading to be Delayed [Kevin Rayner (http :// groups.yahoo.com / group / off-the-church-walls)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Slogans for Women's T-shirts So many men, so few who can afford me. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all. I just can't remember it all. My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt trips. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog. Coffee, chocolate, men... Some things are just better rich. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. Guys have feelings too. But like .who cares? Next mood swing: 6 minutes. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now. Warning: I have an attitude and I know ...

... lenses. Throw away a hundred dollar bill. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots, carrying 2 pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Sporadically drop things. Place a small, but angular pebble in your shoes. Line them with crushed ice and tighten a C-clamp around your toes. Buy a new pair of gloves. Immediately throw one away. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at a high speed. Go to McDonald's and*insist*on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line! Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. Drive slowly for 5 hours -anywhere -as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler. Fill a blender with ice, leave the lid off, hit the ...

... lenses. Throw away a hundred dollar bill. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots, carrying 2 pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Sporadically drop things. Place a small, but angular pebble in your shoes. Line them with crushed ice and tighten a C-clamp around your toes. Buy a new pair of gloves. Immediately throw one away. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at a high speed. Go to McDonald's and*insist*on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line! Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. Drive slowly for 5 hours -anywhere -as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler. Fill a blender with ice, leave the lid off, hit the ...

... a helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a finger" She answers," Yes, that's nice. but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive and I really don't like the rooms" Irritated, he answers," Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White House" She responds," Well all right I guess I'll come" The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Sandra." So, Gilda, tell me what's new ?"" I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving !" Gilda replies." The doctor ?" asks Sandra. Gilda replies," No. the other one" [Author Unknown-LABLaughs] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... weapon – the threat of public humiliation. This is not a new technique. Cave moms who simply wanted to spend quality time with their recalcitrant cave kids around the fire probably had to threaten to accompany them on the next adolescent mastodon hunt to get them to comply. Only the locale has changed. I inform my brood that if we don ’ t have Sunday-afternoon Family Time, we ’ ll have it on Friday night. In public. In a place where their friends are sure to see them. This is what my daughter refers to as “ social suicide ,” and my children will do almost anything to avoid that. Before you know it, we are enjoying some screen-free Family Time. I suggest we start off by simply talking to each other. After several moments of silence, we move on to board games, where we find our tongues and spend valuable time arguing over which game to play. Monopoly takes too long, and Scrabble ...

... figures out what I'm doing. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass. You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them! [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs ' (LABLaughs @LABLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle! Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? Dear God, When my foster mom's friend comes over to our house, he smells like musk! What's he been rolling around in? Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps? Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please. Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in? Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs ...

... pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse. Mom then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night solution & age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her nails. Dad called out," I thought you were going to bed"" I'm on my way ," she said. She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, ...

... with a bath towel. It's unmanly to get down on the floor, so just slop the towel around with your feet. Never pay one of your buddies a compliment. Instead say things like" Where'd you get your haircut, the school for the blind ?" or" Who is that awesome blonde I saw you with, and what are you going to do for a date once she meets me ?". He'll instinctively get the message that this means you value his friendship. If a man cuts you with one of those insults, tell your girlfriend that it hurt your feelings, and you'll come off more sensitive than Phil Donahue. But never reveal it to the other guy." Coach, when you said I was a low-life doofus for striking out with the bases loaded, it made me feel small and sad" A man should make as much as or more money than his girlfriend or wife. He should be as tall or taller ...

... Twelve Step Internet Recovery Program I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing. I will get dressed before noon. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet. I will read a book. if I still remember how. I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it ...

... an egg in the middle of a busy expressway. So the rooster took her there. When they got to the edge of the road, and traffic was whizzing by, the rooster gave her this advice:" All right now! Make it quick, and lay it on the line !" You know your sermon is not connecting when the choir begins their final number and you haven't reached your last point yet! Always remember, those nods of agreement from our silvery-haired friends may just be nods! A good sermon is similar to a good sandwich. It has two ends: the bread, and lots of meat in the middle. However, unlike a sandwich, the two ends of a good sermon should be as close together as possible. [Author Unknown-from 'Sermon Fodder and Joke A Day '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Want to Borrow a Jack? Want to Borrow a Jack? One day, I went to a lawyer friend for advice." I'm in real trouble ," I said." My neighbors across the road are going on vacation for a month and instead of boarding their dogs, they're going to keep them locked up and a woman is coming to feed them, if she doesn't forget. Meanwhile, they'll be lonely and bark all day and howl all night, and I won't be able to sleep. I'll either have to call the SPCA to haul them away or I'll go berserk and go over there and shoot them and then when my neighbors return, they'll go berserk and come over and shoot me. My lawyer patted back a delicate yawn." Let me tell you a story ," he said." And don't stop me if you've heard it, because it will do you good to hear it again"" A fellow was ...

... hit someone. Crook-Not feeling well or not going well. Dinkum-Genuine or honest. Dunny-A toilet. Fair Go-Give someone a chance or an opportunity to do something. Galah-A fool or a silly person. Gidday-A greeting. It is the Aussie way of saying good day. Hooly-Dooly-An expression of surprise. Kick-To share or join in. Lollies-Candy or sweets. Mate-This usually means a friend but it can be used to talk about or to anyone-even a total stranger. Owyergoin-A greeting. How are you going? Often used with 'Gidday ' and 'Mate. Pub-Any hotel. A favorite meeting place of many Australians. Ratbag-Someone who does not behave properly. Raw Prawn-A lie or a con job. Sack-To be fired from a job. Shiela-Female Shoot Through-To leave or disappear. Strewth-An ...

... Alaska Living Your relatives / friends think you live too far away for them to come visit you, but keep asking you to come see them more often. You have ever called a 1-800 number you found in a catalog, and then were told," Alaska? Oh, we don't ship outside the USA" You have ever put up with the pain of a toothache until the Permanent Fund checks came out in October. You know going" outside" involves a lot more than opening the door and walking out into the yard. You have ever worn underwear that had some-thing called a" trapdoor" You have learned that in the Summer you never say to your kids," Be home by dark !" You know that a Spenard Divorce involves a .357 magnum, not a lawyer. Your monthly phone bill is larger than your house payment. The reason you don't own a poodle is because an eagle ate the last ...

... Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? In Winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in the Summer, when we complained about it being to hot? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? And my FAVORITE. Statistics on sanity show that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends-if they're okay, then. it's you. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)-Ed: Anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. All single women have a cat. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings-especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts-your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back. When you turn out the light to go to bed, ...

... affection in public. Dogs miss you when you're gone. Dogs look at your eyes. Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong. Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence. Dogs understand what" no" means. Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with. (Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch and they never laugh at how you throw). Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside. Dogs think you are a culinary genius. Dogs are nice to your relatives. Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving. Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake. Dogs admit it when they're lost. Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff. Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs. Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do. Dogs mean it when they kiss you. You are never suspicious of your dog's ...

... What Children Say About Heaven Mom, God's so neat, and heaven's supposed to be so great. Could me and Gloria go there Saturday for a sleep-over? Our seven-year-old daughter, Clarisa, was not really excited about going to Sunday school, but her little friend talked her into it. After the first class, at lunch she said," I like my teacher, and she said if I come to Sunday school every Sunday, she'll show me how I can get a free trip to heaven" My three-year-old granddaughter, Morgan, came over one day and looked around the room and asked," Where's Grandpa ?" I answered," He's in heaven" Surprised, she looked at me and said," Still ?" I know what heaven is like, because I was there. God makes people when He thinks of them, and then they wait to be born. Our six-year-old, Rachel, prayed," God, they keep ...

... you describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good pinto-bean weather. You know whether another Georgian is from north, south or middle Georgia as soon as they open their mouth. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insects or animals. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports. If you understand these jokes, forward them to your friends from GA-and those who just wish they were! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... breath even after eating a tic tac. Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time. School lunches stick to the wall. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. The best place to be when your sad is in Grandma's lap. Moms get mad when you cut your own bangs. Never put chewed gum in your pocket without a wrapper Moms gets even madder when you let your friend cut your bangs. Putting crayons in the microwave or the clothes dryer is a no-no. It's not a good idea to shine the bathroom floor with Vaseline. You can never put toothpaste back in the tube. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (AIKENSLongJoke @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... horse, both wranglers had to expend an embarrassing amount of effort shoving me into position. I was on a horse nicknamed RIP for Rest in Peace. This perfectly described the creature – he was already practicing for the time when he assumed room temperature. As soon as the ride started, RIP refused to move. But as a Duke devotee, I knew exactly what to do. “ Giddyup ,” I said to the horse. This appeared to greatly amuse my wrangler friends, but had no discernible effect on RIP. “ Giddyup ,” I repeated. RIP stood perfectly still, even the flies on his neck seemingly frozen in place. I was sure I could hear tiny fly laughter. “ You gotta kick him ,” said one of the cowboys. So, feeling very brave, I gave him a few timorous kicks, which caused the slightest flicker of an ear on my one-foot-in-the-grave mount. One of the wranglers then gave him a resounding whack ...

... on a personal tour of the engine room. The sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions. You bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday. You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie. You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting. You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel. You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances. You have more friends on the Internet than in real life. You know what http :// stands for. You look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids ' toys together. You see a good design and still have to change it. You window shop at Radio Shack. Your laptop computer costs more than your car. Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work. You've already calculated how much you make per second. You've tried to repair a $5 radio. ...

... taking tests. The teacher told us to treat them as a game. Now I hate games. I did get a 100 the other day, 50 in math and 50 in spelling. My teacher is so forgetful she gave us the same test 3 weeks in a row. If she does that one more time I might pass it. My teacher knows all the answers, of course, she makes up all the questions. But I do better than my best friend, Mike, he made the P.T.A 's Most Wanted list. Mike's the biggest trouble maker in school, And his parent's never thought he'd amount to anything! Mike kept telling the teacher his dog ate his homework. We didn't believe him until his dog graduated from Yale. When I get home from school, it takes me about an hour to do my homework, 2 hours if my father helps. I was having trouble in English. My Dad bought me a cheap ...

... right. We can't take any overnight trips 'Cause we can't see to drive at night. Restroom confusion keeps us out of church on Sunday And we really do hate that. There's nothing wrong with the restrooms, We just can't remember where they're at. We don't need to plan next week, Just make sure we can drive. And not forget where the hospitals and clinics are. We'll need them to survive. So, don't build your castles too high, my friend, While strolling through the clover. This is a typical week in retirement And on Monday we start all over! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... , and I am allowed to ask one question, I already know what it ’ s going to be. Why, Oh Lord, did you give me my dad ’ s hair? This may seem to you like a ridiculously shallow question to be asking at such a moment, but that ’ s because you have not had to spend more than four decades attached to a stringy substance that has resisted my attempts to mold it into something attractive. You, my friend, have not had to live with my father ’ s follicles. Now, those faulty follicles have not been a problem for my father. That ’ s because he is a man and, on top of that, he ’ s a HIM (hair-indifferent man). A HIM does not care about his hair. A HIM spends even less time thinking about his hair than he spends wondering if his jeans make his butt look big. If you have problem hair that ...

... . Occasionally, I was invited in for tea parties. These were formal affairs at which I was expected to wear a pretty hat and conduct myself in a manner befitting my lovely surroundings. Sometimes I succeeded at this, but often-too often-I was so preoccupied with the day's must-do tasks that I failed to fully enjoy the garden party. Many days, after I'd excused myself and rushed out, she would carry on the party with her faithful, fuzzy friends. Later, I'd find her curled up on the bench asleep, her head resting on them. Sadly or not – depending on your perspective-the garden room is no more. My flower child has grown into a teenager, a Mary Quite Contrary who has long been embarrassed by her blooming bedroom. So this summer we finally updated it. We took down the bench and its fencing and put them in the garage. We removed the prettily painted shelf with its daisy-shaped ...

... encasing it, the grill is only recognizable as a grill because it smells like scorched underbrush and, in compliance with federal grilling law, it has the word “ master ” in its name. Still, my cleaning suggestion always seems to deeply annoy my husband. “ Woman, do not tell me how to manage my grill ,” he grunts in true Patton fashion. After this, we fall into an unvarying routine. Whenever we are going to have a barbecue with friends, I buy the food. I prepare the salad, vegetables and baked beans. I fix a tasty dessert. I also prepare the meat for cooking, and place it on a tray with all the necessary utensils and sauces. Then I take it out to The General, who is lounging beside the grill, a beer in hand, mentally summoning his forces for the task ahead. He is also being counseled by the other beer-swilling men in his backyard brigade on the ...

... Wisconsin In The News A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator truck for $42, 500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with their guns, a dog, and of course the new Vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it's going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the new Navigator truck comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite ...

... most common, everyday multitasks. Most fully accredited ACFs, like Silicon Pines, are an oasis of hope and encouragement that allow residents to lead productive, technologically relevant lives without the fear and anxiety associated with actually having to understand or execute the technologies themselves. WHO SHOULD BE IN AN ACF? Sadly, technology is advancing at such a dramatic rate that many millions, of all ages, will never truly be able to understand it, putting an undue burden on those friends and family members who must explain it to them. But unless the loved one is suffering from a truly debilitating affliction, such as Reinstallzheimers, the decision to commit is entirely personal. You must ask yourself:" How frustrated am I that my parent / sibling / spouse is unable to open an email attachment ?"" How much of my time should be taken up explaining how RAM is different from hard drive memory ?"" How many times can I bear to hear my ...

... he's not accountable for that one, begins to feel remorse over some of the things he's discarded, and starts pulling items out." We're running late !" my wife warns. This could be our Official Family Motto. I recently purchased a shredder for my confidential documents, only to discover I don't have any confidential documents. However, a fifteen-year-old girl's entire life is cause for secrecy, and I can hear her using the device now, grinding up correspondence from her friends in school." We don't have time for that !" I tell her. A few minutes later, my son joins her and begins shredding what sounds like a potato. The school bus chugs by, and I pick up the phone to call the attendance line." For absences, press 1 ," the recording tells me." For late arrivals, press 2. If you're the Camerons calling because it's trash day, press 3"" We're pigs ," my oldest ...

... about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but feline sarcasm. My compact discs are not toys for you and your friends to play with. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years and I know that feline ...

... tree guy my written request, he looked at me very oddly, but proceeded to bring down the fir tree without incident. His crew turned out to consist of his son, who could speak fluent English as well as Portuguese, and another man who spoke only English. It was for the third member of the team that the son wrote out a translation of my request, carefully jotting down the English words above my text, as follows: Greetings to you, friend of the forest: Above the home of my people lies the ghost of the growth of the planet, whose broad arms have enfolded us in the darkness of their frowns during the long periods of light and the playing of the little children of my loins. Now I fear that a great inclination seizes this hair of Douglass, with the making of a horrible momentum that seeks to cleave the sheltering and disrupt the napping of the father of my offspring. I pray you'll sing ...

... A Teenager Is... A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number. A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast. A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday. Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room. A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed. A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying for her driver's license. A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music-loud and very loud. An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired to dry the dishes. A young woman who loves the cat and barely tolerates her brother. A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week. A budding beauty ...

... you, it means the teeth will have to come out" Okay, not so bad. I've lost teeth before, and even had something of a cottage industry for awhile selling them to the tooth fairy, who turns out to be my father, of all people. Here you go through most of your childhood thinking your dad is a gynecologist and then you see him sneaking into your sister's room to take her molar and leave a quarter. I remember when my friend Tommy lost two of his teeth when he put his mouth right where I was throwing a baseball (what an idiot !). That night I lay in bed giggling over the idea of my father sneaking in to put money under Tommy's pillow. The next morning, when I innocently asked my dad how Tommy was doing, he pretended not to understand what I was talking about. According to kindly Dr. Lecter, even though we humans have no spare fingers or extra heads ...

... as one of your favorites. You know which leaves make good toilet paper. FFA was the most popular club in high school. You've seen a Hodag, or, at least you think that's what it was. You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July. Your sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie. You are a member of the Polar Bear Club and proud of it. You actually understand these jokes and will forward them to all your Wisconsin friends. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? SARAH PALIN: Before it got to the other side, I shot the chicken, cleaned and dressed it, and had chicken burgers for lunch. BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change! JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road. HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me. GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the ...

... the dogs and says," Fetch the Bible" The dog immediately runs over to the desk, and grabs the Bible in its mouth and returns. Putting the Bible on the floor, the pet store owner says," Find Psalm 23" Without hesitation, the dog starts flipping pages with its paw until he finds the correct page, and then stops. Amazed and delighted, the couple purchase the dog and head-out for home. That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the dog, and have him run through his 23rd Psalm routine. Impressed, one of the visitors asks:" Does he also know 'regular ' commands ?"" Gee, we don't know. We didn't ask ," replies the husband. Turning to the dog, he says," Sit" The dog sits. Then he says," Lie down" The dog lies down." Roll over ," says the husband. The dog obediently rolls over ...

... shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example," If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3" Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream" I Won !"" I Won !"" 3rd time this week !!!" When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling" Run for your lives, they're loose !" Tell your boss," It's not the voices in ...

... she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town. Tanks would be far easier to rent. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could give your wife-to-be a giant foam hand that said," You're #1 !" Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. (Wouldn't help-you STILL wouldn't remember !) [Author Unknown-from Andy Chap (andychaps_the-funnies @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved ...

... . You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives. You refer to all of your friends with an @in their names. When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple. Your dog has his own home page. Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months. You can't call your mother. she doesn't have a modem. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage. so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. [ ...

... you must be a horrible person" so that everyone at the dinner will get over their embarrassment at the dreadful faux pas and look upon our hosts with tolerant repugnance) My love affair with sweets started when I was a child, but not in my mother's kitchen. My mother didn't like to bake and to prove it would make us her chocolate chip cookies: heavy, flat disks with all the succulence of kiln-fired clay. My mother's cookies were very popular with my friends because they never lost their texture even after hours of field hockey. (We also liked the idea that they were made of biodegradable materials and didn't need to be picked up from the playground at the end of the game, though I recently returned to my old neighborhood and some of her cookies were still lying there) It was at my Aunt Pat's house that I first learned that dessert was not just for breaking teeth. Aunt Pat would cook a deep, rich chocolate ...

... the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace. The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce:" This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez" When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub: Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close ...

... forget about the toothache. Things to remember... You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan. [Author Unknown-from Joyce Guy] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... to me. Scratch five. Good doggie go play in the yard. (He just loves rolling in the snow) Find something fun for the kids to do That tinfoil in the microwave thing was kinda fun. Scratch six. This is way too easy. I'll have lots of time for the computer !! Vacuum the carpets. That's a hard one. Hey kids wanna have some more FUN !! Scratch seven. Feed kids lunch Hey kids, don't you have a friends house to go too? YESSSS !!!!!!!!! Scratch eight. Clean out hallway closet. Hmmmm another hard one. That's it !! Take enough out of the closet to close the door. Outta sight outta mind. Hmmmm this other stuff can go under a bed. Scratch nine. Boy-O-Boy am I good! Lunch time. Pour some chili into the cracker bag and eat. Taaa daaa !! No lunch dishes !!! Do laundry no problem I can do that while I'm on the computer ...

... person. I resolve to back up my 12 GB hard drive daily. well, once a week. okay, monthly then. or maybe. at least once a year. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3: 00 AM in the morning. 4: 30 AM is much more practical since my friends overseas already had time to answer me by then. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply," LOL. LOL !" I will read the manual. just as soon as I can find it. I will think of a password other than" password" I resolve. I resolve to. I resolve to, uh. I resolve to, uh, get my, er. I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done ...

... the looks on the faces of my children. Every teenager should have to sit through a discussion of the digestive delights of eating a cardboard breakfast. It will give him or her a greater appreciation for the fleeting Cap ’ n Crunch phase of life. I might have forgotten about our fiber forum if I hadn ’ t gotten freaked out a couple of days later when it appeared I needed to add adult diapers to my shopping list. See, I was driving a friend ’ s car, which is equipped with those new-fangled seat heaters. (OK, I know they ’ ve been around a while, but I ’ ve never had them) When I placed my purse on the car ’ s console, it apparently pressed the seat heater button. Not realizing this, I was alarmed when a warm feeling spread across my backside. I assumed Father Time had put my bladder on the fast track to incontinence. As I was driving to ...

... Laws of Crowded Stores A stunned, bewildered idiot will stand at the intersection of two or more major traffic aisles so as to cause the most inconvenience to passers-by who do know where they are going. Such idiot will be carrying at least one bag capable of comfortably holding a '57 Buick, and will make sudden, random turns so as to fling the bag into the shins (or worse) of passers-by. When such idiot is intercepted by family and / or friends and removed from the location, they will be replaced by a freshly bewildered idiot within 2.5 minutes, maximum. No matter how many signs (or how big they are) the store puts up clearly announcing" NO RETURNS OR EXCHANGES DEC 26 or 27" there will be no less than 5 morons crowded into every cashier's line who figure this rule couldn't possibly apply to them. And they'll be pretty huffy about it, too. Nitwits who can clearly afford baby sitters ( ...

... change, and she does. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. [Author Unknown-Randy, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... . I like my pet better than I like most people. To you it's an animal. To me he and / or she is an adopted son and / or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and when they have young, you can sell the results. [Author Unknown-from Murphy Hunt, via 'Good, Clean Funnies List ' (GCFL.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Why Dogs Are Better Than Women (Humor-no disrespect to women intended.) Dogs love it when your friends come over. Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo. Dogs think you sing great. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. Dogs don't care if you call them by another dog's name. Dogs enjoy rough play. Dogs love red meat. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair. Anyone can get a good looking dog. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. Dogs don't shop. Dogs like it when you leave a lot of things on the floor. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long. Dogs never need to examine the relationship. A dog's parents never visit ...

... -on fire"-Christine, age 9 TITLES OF THE LOVE BALLADS YOU CAN SING TO YOUR BELOVED: "'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?"-Arnold, age 10 "'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister"-Larry, age 8 "'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!"-Eddie, age 6 "'I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Don't Bother Me When I'm with My Friends"-Bob, age 9 "'Hey, Baby, I Don't like Girls but I'm Willing to Forget You Are One!"-Will, age 7 "'Honey, I Got Your Curly Hair and Your Nintendo on My Mind"-Sharon, age 9 WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY" I LOVE YOU"" The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day"-Michelle, age ...

... Early Retirement A note from Bob: Dear Friends, It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation. When I got laid off from my consulting job and took" early retirement" in January, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for health benefits that we need. She was a trained medical transcriptionist when we met twenty-eight ears ago and was fortunate to land a job at a local transcription house. It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost ...

... , brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me. I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flowerbeds and cocklebur's out of dad's fields. I was drug to the homes of family, friends and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed. Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! High Maintenance Woman Occasionally, someone who no longer wants to be my friend will forward me one of those annoying emails, the ones that have been sent to every email address on earth and are even now probably making their way to computers in distant galaxies. If you take the time to scroll through those never-ending messages, you ’ ll often find jokes of questionable quality at the end. But recently, when I apparently had nothing else to do, I actually scrolled to the bottom of one of these forwarded follies (enjoying at least two cups of coffee on the way down) and found a couple of pictures that were worth the trip. One picture showed two simple push buttons, one labeled On and the other Off. The caption on this picture said Men. The other picture showed dozens of buttons, knobs, levers and gauges in a dizzying and complicated array. This one ...

... do absolutely ANYTHING you want" Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket Finally, the frog asked," WHAT is the matter with you? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week, and I will do anything you want. WHY won't you kiss me ??" The engineer replies," Look, I'm an engineer. I simply don't have time for a girl friend, but a talking frog... now, that's really cool" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... their cars. No one knows why. If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words." Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet ?"" OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3 / 8-inch socket yet ?" No one knows why. When in doubt-buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. Again, no one knows why. Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts. You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of ...

... Golf Match Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish People for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, the Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders or their representatives to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews. The Pope then met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal." Your Holiness ," said one of the Cardinals," Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world" The Pope thought about this and since he had never held a golf club in his life asked," Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me ?"" None who plays golf very well ," a Cardinal replied." But ," he ...

... , coagulated into globs of deadly goop in your arteries. It ’ s time, you realize, to pay the piper of the palate. If you ’ re like me, at this point you will morph into an overnight convert to the church of the changed diet. That ’ s just what I did. I rebuilt my personal food pyramid, turning into a fan of fiber and fruit, and growing giddy over whole grains and vegetables. I also developed a friendship with flaxseed. Not that I like the taste of flaxseed, which combines the flavors of sawdust and straw with the piquant aftertaste of sand. But flaxseed is supposed to be good for you, at least according to those sadistic science types. So I started preparing a flaxseed smoothie every morning. I blended it with some blueberries and yogurt until it looked like something my dog might regurgitate in the yard after chewing her way through the trash. You may not have realized it ...

... Exercise For Seniors Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. After you feel confident ...

... that storm clouds form on hot days. So the minister prayed again:" Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, Lord, a bigger sign !" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill." I told you I was right !" cried the minister, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes. The minister was getting ready to ask for a*very big*sign, but just as he said," Oh God ," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned," HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT !" The minister put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said," Well ?!"" So ," shrugged one of the other ...

... Central Park A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, with rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lillies." Tsk Tsk !" said the passerby to himself." What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help" The kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked," What are you doing, my friend ?"" Fishin, sir"" Fishin, eh. How would you like to come have a drink with me ?" The old man stood, put his rod away, and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar. His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked," Tell me, old man, how many did you catch this morning ?" The ...

... in common. We both preferred Lamborghinis over Ferraris and we both rued the fact that all the best islands in the Caribbean were already sold. Neither of us had ever been successful in efforts to purchase professional sports teams, but we weren't particularly bitter, acknowledging that in some ways it was better to" just own the stadium" instead." You still have great seats, plus there's something about seeing your name above the scoreboard that makes you proud ," my new friend confessed during the acupuncture. When the plane landed, I was the last to get off, taking one last lingering look at the first-class cabin that had been my home for two and a half hours. It's the only way to fly.~Bruce Cameron~[ By: W. Bruce Cameron 2005-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... , and call us on the phone. She would talk to us for hours; now she leaves us all alone. We miss her homemade biscuits, and I'll make this little bet, If you want to contact Grandma, you'll have to surf the net. Grandma's surfing on the net, you bet. She is surfing on the net. We've been calling her all morning, and we haven't got her yet. She's on the E-mail network, with her electronic friends. If you want to talk to grandma, you'll have to surf the net. She's never surfed at Malibu, or caught a wave at Waikiki, She's never seen a surfboard: hang ten doesn't mean a thing. She's never met a beach-bum-Noon Doggie is just a pup. But when she heads for her computer, you know the surf is up. Grandma's getting older and her eyes are getting dim, Her random access memory, is half of what its ...

... without Grandma. She's always in the back. If we want to talk to grandma, we have to join her online in chat. Now the goose isn't on the table and no Christmas goodies in the house. The only cookies she has made are the ones with her mouse. Grandma has been busy, scanning pictures for her web page. And we just can't help but wonder, should we open up her gifts or let 'em age. I've warned all my friends and neighbors, watch out before you buy. You could lose your grandma to the computer, just like grandpa and I. [by K. Foley & L. Miller 2000-from 'Arizona Humor '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... advice columnist, contacted me asking for additional suggestions because the tips I offered did not seem to be working for them (or because they didn ’ t want to actually help out around the house). In the future, this type of reader will have to pay me the same hourly rate charged by real therapists. You ’ ll be glad to hear that I will offer some discounts to help with these humor delivery charges. Any reader who praises me lavishly to friends or even strangers on the street will receive a Laugh Offset Loan (LOL) that can be used against future levies. And any reader who contacts my editor and uses terms to describe me such as “ genius ” and “ should be paid more ” will get a year ’ s worth of free laughs. I truly appreciate your understanding during these hard times for humor. I accept cash or credit cards.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is ...

... Balmoral, Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel; Gertrude, German, wind and mind, Scene, Melpomene, mankind. Billet does not rhyme with ballet, Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet. Blood and flood are not like food, Nor is mould like should and would. Viscous, viscount, load and broad, Toward, to forward, to reward. And your pronunciation's OK When you correctly say croquet, Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve, Friend and fiend, alive and live. Ivy, privy, famous; clamour And enamour rhyme with hammer. River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb, Doll and roll and some and home. Stranger does not rhyme with anger, Neither does devour with clangour. Souls but foul, haunt but aunt, Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant, Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger, And then singer, ginger, linger ...

... . You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot. You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded. The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone. You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the pool. You own more than three large coolers. You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricane and not feel the least bit guilty about it. You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking" It'll only take a gallon of gas to get there and back" You have 2-liter coke bottles and milk jugs filled with water in your freezer Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble a portable generator by candlelight. You catch a 13-pound redfish-in your driveway. You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance policy. You consider a" vacation" to stunning Tupelo, Mississippi. At cocktail parties ...

... Grumpy Old Pals Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection. One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and turns to the obituaries page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database. It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up." Brad, are you up yet ?" asks Mike. Brad sleepily answers," Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee"" Brad. open the newspaper to page 31"" Why, what's in the paper ?"" Brad, get ...

... ? I work 40 hours a week to be this poor. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2? Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. Too may freaks, not enough circuses. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth. Earth is full. Go home. Is it time for your medication or mine? I plead contemporary insanity. And which dwarf are you? I refuse to star in your psychodrama. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. How do I set a laser printer to stun? Meandering to a different drummer. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. I majored in Liberal Arts. Will that be for ...

... read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it. Notice everything they sell in stores is" sleeveless "?!!! What used to be freckles are now liver spots. Everybody whispers. Now that your husband has retired. you'd give anything if he'd find a job! You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet. 2 of which you will never wear. But" old" is good in some things: old songs old movies And best of all OLD FRIENDS !! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... he has a lovely job. He has about 500 men under him. He is cutting grass down at the cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet whether it's a girl or a boy so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle. We got a bill from the funeral home the other day. They said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up. Billy Bob was driving and Willie and Joe was in the back. Billy Bob got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they couldn't get the tailgate down. Your Uncle John fell in a whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off before he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Not much more news this time. ...

... Cooking Are you a cook? Neither am I. When dinner comes I only sigh, Wake up the phone and grab the book, And let somebody else be my cook. A pizza is a trusty meal, A color frantic tasty wheel. It disappears in your friends, And lets the party never end. But cooking is a tempting craft, And gazing down the oven's shaft, I start to wonder if I can, cook a dinner in a pan. The cooking magic I will work! No more will I be a takeout jerk! I'll prove to the world what I can be! I'll make a meal just for you and me. Into the kitchen with brave strides, I walk like a wolf with focused eyes. And thinking back to high school days, I recollect my mother's cooking ways. Spaghetti? Oh, that sounds good! I grab the package where I stood. Meatballs I shall add to the deal ...

... have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven ' 5-'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC ' 4-'How big were those-'two beers ' you say you had? ' 3-'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can ' 2-'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail ' AND THE WINNER IS. 1-'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here ' [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... table for your cat. .you have a set of towels with" His"" Hers" and" Kitty's" .you call home and leave a message on the answering machine for your cat. .you have the cat meow on the outgoing message of the answering machine. .you and kitty have matching outfits. .your spouse says," Me or the cat !" and there's no hesitation. .you never go to the door unless it's to let a cat out. .your favorite friends have fleas. .you chose a house to buy based on it having a good location for the cat-box. .you think cat fur makes a wonderful garnish to any meal. .you own 17 varieties of kitty-nail-clippers. .you are lost for conversation with non-cat people. .you meow so well, you confuse the cats. .you bore the neighbors with discussions on the exact nutritional differences between 9-Lives and Amore .at length. [Author Unknown-from 'Joke du Jour ' (JdJ @yahoogroups.com) ...

... on" So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars, and demanded to know why she did it." Well ," she said," this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and told me to sell his new Porsche and then send him the money. So I did" Are women good or what ?! [Author Unknown-submitted by: Eva Young] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... comfort food – chocolate (duh !). In fact, out of 20 not-so-newlywed questions, we managed to come up with the same answer exactly once. Amazingly, we both knew which part of my body he likes best (none of your business which one). And not surprisingly, we ended up with the lowest score of the game. We also did our share of arm-punching each other over wrong answers, and we provided a great deal of amusement to our friends. As we were leaving, one of them suggested that perhaps we should spend more time together. Or maybe we should just avoid playing party games. Unless we ’ re blindfolded and trying to locate a donkey ’ s backside.~Jackie Papandrew 2008~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient ...

... Pinewood Church Dinner A group of country friends from the Pinewood Church decided to get together on a regular basis to socialize, play games, and fellowship with one another. Once a month group members would take turns preparing dinner and hosting the group. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet decided she wanted to prepare a fancy dinner. She decided to serve mushroom-smothered steaks for dinner. However, when she went to town to buy the mushrooms she found out that good quality mushrooms were way too expensive. So, she told her husband, “ No mushrooms – for that large of group the cost would be too much ” He said, “ Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty along the creek bed ” She said, “ No, ‘ cuz wild mushrooms can be poisonous ” Well, he said, “ I see varmints eating them and they're ...

... Perfect Retirement Plan I have finally found the perfect retirement plan !! My friend and I were on a cruise through the Western Mediterranean aboard a Princess Liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the Staff, Ships Officers, Waiters, Busboys, etc, all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our Waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the Line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back. As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said," I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises". She replied," Yes, that's true" I stated," I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause ...

... about pension plans. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room. You sing along with the elevator music. Your eyes won't get much worse. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... island in order to determine their chances for survival. After a thorough search of the island he rushed up to the other man and declared," This island is uninhabited, there is no food, there is no water. We are going to die !" The other man comfortably leaned against the fuselage of the wrecked plane, folded his arms and responded," I make $100, 000 per week" And then was quiet. The first man, realizing his friend must not understand declared again with strong conviction," Listen, we are on an uninhabited island. There is no food, no water. We are going to die !" The other man, unruffled, again responded." Listen, I make $100, 000 per week" Mystified, the first man, taken aback, but unwilling to be satisfied with such an answer again repeated," I'm telling you we ARE going to die. There is no one else ...

... The Prodigal Son Parable in the Key of" F" Feeling footloose and frisky, a feather-brained fellow forced his fond father to fork over the family finances. He flew far to foreign fields and frittered his fortune feasting fabulously with faithless friends. Finally facing famine and fleeced by his fellows in folly, he found himself a feed-flinger in a filthy farmyard. Fairly famished he fain would have filled his frame with the foraged foods of the fodder fragments left by the filthy farmyard creatures. 'Fooey, he said, 'My father's flunkies fare far fancier, ' the frazzled fugitive found feverishly, frankly facing facts. Frustrated by failure and filled with foreboding he forthwith fled to his family. Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly. 'Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited family favour ' But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching frantically flagged the flunkies. 'Fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast ' But the fugitive's fault-finding frater frowned on ...

... Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 80 %of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid. Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids. [Author Unknown-from 'Lab Laughs ' (LABLaughsClean @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... little hesitant, a little shy. We subtly assess each other, trying to gauge who ’ s gained the most weight, who ’ s lost the most hair, who ’ s driving the nicest car. We all confess astonishment at how fast the kids are growing up. At my last reunion, most of the kids were teenagers who looked horrified at just being there. They huddled together for protection-cell phones flipped open, frantically sending text messages to their friends, begging to be rescued. The oldest generation – the grandparents, even a couple of great-grandparents-huddled together too, quickly getting down to discussing pressing physical matters involving hemorrhoids and heartburn. That left those of us in the middle – we of the sandwich generation who would eventually get around to talking hormones and hot flashes – to focus on the food, from-scratch dishes made by grandmas who still remember how to cook. It ’ s always the best part of our reunions ...

... the winter Because the potholes are filled with snow, You may live in Canada. If you know all 4 seasons: Almost winter, winter, still winter, And road construction, You may live in Canada. If you have more miles On your snow blower than your car, You may live in Canada. If you find 2 degrees 'a little chilly, You may live in Canada. If you actually understand these jokes, And forward them to all Your Canadian friends & others, You definitely live in Canada. [Jeff Foxworthy-from Ellcitykid, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th." Help me find my ball; you look over there ," he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground." I've found my ball !" he announces triumphantly. Sid looks at him forlornly," After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks ?"" What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here !"" And a liar, too !" Sid says with amazement." I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes !" [Author unknown-'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... on the table in the foyer.*Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.*Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.*The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral.*The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church board.*As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.*Fifth Sinday is Lent.*Thank you dead friends.*Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.*Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.*Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.*For the word of God is quick and powerful .piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit.*Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.*Definition: Persons who are shut-in during bath weather.*Bring one ...

... to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving! The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then... it's you! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... . Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute. Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions. Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline. Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment. Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too. Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings. Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss. Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked. Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases. Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute ...

... " On Line" I don't want to do the dishes, I don't want to do the wash, I sprinkled clothes a week ago And now my iron is lost! I don't wanna clean the pots, I don't wanna rattle pans, I wanna read my e-mail, And chat with all my friends! The table needs some dusting and the floor could sure be mopped, But I know if I get started There'll be no place to stop. The closets are so full Things are falling off the shelves, I wish for cleaning fairies And magic laundry elves! They could sprinkle fairy dust And twitch their little nose, And the windows would be sparkling And I'd have no dirty clothes. I don't know what I'm saying, My head is in the sky, I must cook that meat that's graying And bake that apple pie! My husband needs a flea bath, The dog needs some attention. Oh, the other way around I ...

... Military Words Of Wisdom" Aim towards the Enemy"-Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher" When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.-U.S. Marine Corps" Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are Guaranteed to always hit the ground"-USAF Ammo Troop" If the enemy is in range, so are you"-Infantry Journal" It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just Bombed"-U.S. Air Force Manual" Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never Encountered automatic weapons"-General MaCarthur" Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo"-Infantry Journal" You, you, and you. Panic. The rest of you, come with me"-U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt." Tracers work both ways"-U.S. Army Ordnance" Five second fuses only last three seconds ...

... rescue them, but no one shows. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the man in the wheelchair. Eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, then walks out on the other side-Lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same. The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but his offer is refused. The man in the wheelchair is skeptical and insists the blind man goes ahead first. So the blind man goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and walks out the other side-Lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the man in the wheelchair is getting really excited and starts pushing with all his might ...

... corrupted. MOUSE WOMAN: She is useful only when she is pushed and dragged. Tends to get dirty and sluggish. MULTIMEDIA WOMAN: She makes everything look nice. Active and a lot of fun. MICROSOFT WOMAN: She wants to dominate every man she meets. She'll try to convince you she's the best for you. She schemes how to make you get in trouble with other women. She promises you that she'll do whatever you want if you throw your girl friends ' telephone numbers away. Suddenly, she will be the only one in your life. There will come a time when you will need her approval before you can open the fridge or you can take your car keys. PASSWORD WOMAN: You think you're the only one who knows her, but actually everybody knows her. MP3 WOMAN: Everybody wants to have her. She is so easy to get. USER WOMAN: She does nothing right and she is always demanding more ...

... Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough. Have a plan. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a" 4" in the description. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal preferred) Use cover or concealment as much as possible. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours. Always fight to win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot. Navy SEAL's Rules: Look very cool in sunglasses. Kill every ...

... when I am supposed to be writing inspiring works of great literary merit. Then, when I wake up with drool running down my chin and realize I ’ m running out of time, I will faithfully (and frantically) throw together a humor column about something stupid like midyear resolutions. As you can see, it is easy to escape the tyranny of all those New Year ’ s resolutions that never give us a moment ’ s peace. You too, my friend, can live a productive and satisfying life by simply resolving to do what you ’ re already doing. Just make sure you have clean towels in the house first.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago ...

... Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonizing symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines ' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu. ...

... Midwestern Ways If You Grew Up in the Midwest, then... You know how to polka, but never tried it sober. You know what knee-high by the Fourth of July means. You know it is traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping between the reception and wedding dance. You know the difference between 'Green ' and 'Red ' farm machinery, and would fight with your friends on the playground over which was better! You buy Christmas presents at Fleet Farm. You spent more on beer and liquor than you did on food at your wedding. You hear someone use the word 'uff-da ' and you don't break into uncontrollable laughter. You or someone you know was a 'Dairy Princess ' at the county fair. You know that 'combine ' is a noun. You let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post in the middle of winter. You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions ...

... touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around ...

... then. For a while after that, I was ashamed enough to keep my closet reasonably tidy. But gradually, pieces of clothing deserted their hangers and ran rampant on the floor. Unauthorized objects crept back in, and soon the mess achieved a momentum of its own, spreading like a virulent virus to other parts of the house. In the book There ’ s a Nightmare in My Closet, a young boy confronts the monster in his closet and ends up making friends with it. I think he had the right idea and maybe I ’ ll do the same. That should help keep away nosy neighbors.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time ...

... better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to" COMPANY" I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30, 000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!_Signature_Date US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE ...

... Director selected:" I Love To Tell The Story" There was no turning back. The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something changed he was considering resigning. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in:" Why Not Tonight" Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later; explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away. The Choir Director could not resist:" What A Friend We Have In Jesus" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... feel that our pews are too hard. Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night. We will have steel helmets for those who say," The roof would cave in if I ever came to church" Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot. Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present. Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too. We will distribute" Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money. One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature. Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday. The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never ...

... house for fun and sinning. Miss Charlene Mason sang," I Will Not Pass This Way Again ," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. Don't let worry kill you-let the church help. Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time." Wise Up, O Men of God" Easter Sunday, we will have a 9: 30 worship service. The 11: 00 will be hell as usual. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say" hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double door at the side entrance. The 8th graders will be presenting Shakespeare's ...

... Mom's Last Laugh Consumed by my loss, I didn't notice the hardness of the pew I sitting on. I was at the funeral of my dearest friend-my mother. She finally had lost her long battle with cancer. The hurt was so intense, I found it hard to breathe at times. Always supportive, Mother clapped loudest at my school plays, held a box of tissues while listening to my first heartbreak, comforted me at my father's death, encouraged me in college, and prayed for me my entire life. When Mother's illness was diagnosed, my sister had a new baby and my brother had recently married his childhood sweetheart, so it fell on me, the 27-year-old middle child without entanglements, to take care of her. I counted it an honor." What now, Lord ?" I asked sitting in church. My life stretched out before me as an empty abyss. My brother sat stoically with his face toward ...

... Murphy's Church Laws Film projectors always work before the class meeting begins. The probability of the preacher tripping over the mike cord is greater on" Bring A Friend" Sunday than any other week. The largest Bible Class will show up when the teacher feels his / her worst. No matter how many bulletins you print, you'll always need one more. A member living 15 miles away will be 15 minutes early; Members living two blocks will be 15 minutes late. Saying" Let us Pray" or singing" Just as I Am" causes babies to cry. The shorter the agenda, the longer the business meeting. Business meetings ALWAYS last at least 15 minutes longer than they should. (So do some sermons) Church committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting. (William Spurgeon) When you answer the Bible teacher's question right, nobody remembers; when you are wrong, ...

... Identity. Ah, those were good times. Eventually, our Trek phase passed, and the Borg went away where no man has gone before. Or so I thought until recently, when I realized that the Borg have secretly been among us for quite some time, in the form of the Internet. We are all becoming part of the cyberspace collective, willingly shedding our individuality to become one with the great external mind. Our children play virtual games, with virtual friends, in virtual rooms where everyone can be anonymous, but no one is autonomous. And we adults are just as bad. My husband and I make our living by way of the Web. And we carry it with us at all times. Sometimes, I ’ m not sure my mate knows where he ends and his Crackberry (Blackberry) begins. And I ’ m not really one to talk. I ’ ve developed a serious addiction to googling myself, just ...