... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Hard Times for Humor In the field of funny, it is the best of times and it is the worst of times. It ’ s the best of times because demand for real, rib-tickling humor has never been higher. Everybody could use a good laugh these days. Unfortunately, it is also the worst of times because the supply of high-caliber comic relief is getting harder to come by. Mirthful material used to ... sophisticated humor, however, will require a surcharge based on the amount of work I have to do to deliver it. Future stories about my kids will still come relatively cheaply as my offspring provide plenty of material. Ditto for any humorous bits about my dog, who is grateful for the attention. If I have to do any reading or, heaven forbid, deep thinking in order to produce a column, charges will go up dramatically. Actually, if I have to ...

... them a new bubbler"" I want to hear this tape ," I fumed. My son dutifully retrieved his recorder and turned it on. His voice could be heard working his way rather dispassionately through one of my columns, reading in what I would call a monotone. Then he started in on Dave Barry, and he began giggling." Aha !" I cried." When you read the Dave Barry piece, you were laughing !"" That's because it was funny ," he protested." I couldn't help it"" But can you see what an impact it would have on the fish? They hear you laughing, and of course it makes them amused"" Are you crazy ?", he retorted." They don't care about laughter, they're fish for Pete's sake !"" I .Are you mocking me ?"" Oh, no, sir ," he grinned." I can't believe you didn't laugh when you read my column"" ...

... of Jesus. When you hear about a church fight, you say," So, where's the news ?" When you hear of a foreigner thrilled at getting his first Bible, you feel guilty. You own 33 of them. When someone tells you that old joke about the sinking ship and the captain asking someone to do something religious and so the Baptist took up an offering, you say," So, what's the joke ?" You know at least a dozen funny things that happened during baptismal services. You complain about the pastor's long sermons, but you would feel cheated by one under 20 minutes. You have at times envied the Episcopalians because their adults don't have to go to Sunday School. You have sometimes felt superior to the Episcopalians because you know more of your Bible than they do. You think a church building ought to look like a church building. You'd like a little more dignity in your preacher but you suspect he's getting ...

... Strange and Funny Signs Pizza Shop Slogan:" 7 days without pizza makes one weak" On a Plumbers truck:" Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber" On a Septic Tank Truck sign:" We're #1 in the #2 business" Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:" Dr. Jones, at your cervix. At a Proctologist's door" To expedite your visit please back in" On a Plumbers truck:" We repair what your husband fixed" At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:" Invite us to your next blowout" On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:" Hello. Can we pick your nose ?" At a Towing company:" We don't charge an arm and a leg. We just want your 'tows" On an Electrician's truck:" Let us remove your shorts" In a Nonsmoking Area:" If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action" On ...

... Funny Signs Anesthesiologist's business card: When you care enough to sleep with the very best. Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: Dr. Jones, at your cervix. In a Podiatrist's office: Time wounds all heels. On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels At a Proctologist's door: To expedite your visit please back in. On a Plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed. On another Plumber's truck: Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber. On a Church's Billboard: 7 days without God makes one weak. At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout. At a Towing company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows. On an Electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts. In a Non-Smoking Area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action. On a Maternity Room door: Push. Push. ...

... failing memories, they are under the inaccurate impression that I was sometimes rather difficult to deal with when I was 13, and they seem to feel that I ’ m getting my just desserts. I have no memory of being anything other than delightful as a teenybopper. But I do remember vowing that I would never, ever repeat the fatigued phrases my mother seemed so fond of using when I was growing up. A few years ago, a friend gave me a humorous plaque that read: Mirror, Mirror on the wall, I am my mother after all. I hung this highly amusing piece of absurdity in my bathroom and looked at it whenever I needed a good laugh. Definitely not going to happen to me, I can recall thinking. But then my sweet little girl-the one who always thought I hung the moon, who used to imitate everything I did-turned into a hormone hurricane and made a direct hit on my ...

... 9 questions correct ," asked the rejected applicant." We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed ," said the Department manager." And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other ?" the rejected applicant inquired." Simple ," said the Department manager," Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know ' You put down, 'Neither do I" [Author Unknown-from 'The Funny Bone ' (jokemaster @funnybone.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Poetic Justice From San Antonio, Texas: This is too funny! This could only be true. you can't make stuff like this up. Clutching their Dillard's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit -no flies, no smell. What business could that poor kitty have had here ?" murmured Ellen." Come on, Ellen, let's just go" But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining," I'll just put my things in your bag, and then I'll take the tissue" She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Dillard's bag and cover it. They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen's burial bag (with the cat) in the ...

... about how they never have time to get any work done since they're in meetings all the time. THINK TIME: This is what operators make use of when they get an" idle event" This most normally occurs during a long compile or a slow network connection. SNEAKERNET: When data is transferred between workstations by copying it to a floppy and walking it to the intended workstation instead of using the LAN (Local Area Network). [Author Unknown-from 'The Funny Bone ' (daily-fun @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... much sleep. On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out. God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. Confession without repentance is just bragging.-Rev. Eugene Bolton Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh. Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little, just to be funny." I don't question YOUR existence"-God [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (AIKENSLongJoke @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... . You know what http :// stands for. You look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids ' toys together. You see a good design and still have to change it. You window shop at Radio Shack. Your laptop computer costs more than your car. Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work. You've already calculated how much you make per second. You've tried to repair a $5 radio. [Author Unknown-from 'The Funny Bone ' (daily-fun @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Raising Boys The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas... a) For those with no children-this is totally hysterical! b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny. d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding ): A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2, 000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to ...

... bathroom sink, Eb – having successfully completed her morning tasks – decides to take a nice, long nap. Sometime in the afternoon, she ’ ll awaken with a blissful sigh and a sumptuous stretch and move on to the second part of her day, which involves getting her bowl filled up with dog food. She starts with the stare-down. There I ’ ll be, at my computer, bleary-eyed and cranky from lack of sleep, hoping to write something profoundly funny. Ebony will place herself right in front of me and, and by never taking her eyes off me, attempt to subliminally communicate the fact that she ’ d like to be fed. Being bleary-eyed and cranky and knowing just who to blame for that, I subliminally communicate the fact that I don ’ t care by totally ignoring her. That ’ s when she moves into the next phase. She begins pushing her empty metal bowl around the kitchen, knowing full well ...

... Prayer-Getting Older God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm 'older ' here are 16 things I've discovered: I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair. If all is not lost, where is it? It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. The only time the world beats a path to your ...

... Thoughts To Ponder Some people are kind, polite, and sweet spirited until you try to get into their pews. Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers. It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one. The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close. When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there. People are funny. They want the front of the bus, the middle the road, and the back of the church. Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your door for years. Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong. The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience:" And in conclusion" If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has. Not only are the sins of the fathers visited upon the children, but ...

... Tooth Fairy Form Letter Dear: Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night. While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason (s) indicated below: () the tooth could not be found () it was not a human tooth () we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny () we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odour () the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash () the tooth did not originally belong to you (x) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy () you were age 12 or older at the time your request was received () the tooth is still in your mouth (x) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit ...

... For the briefest of moments, I considered buying one of these outfits, actually mulled over the suggestion on the package of one costume that I channel my inner vixen. But my vixen vanished when I saw the looks of horror on the faces of my children. Mom in a minidress was an idea more monstrously frightening than they could fathom. So, still in need of a disguise, I pondered my predicament. My Halloween attire would have to be homemade, something funny and familiar, or perhaps soothing and sweet, or maybe even slightly scary. But not salacious. I could dress up as one of the most important items in our house – the remote control – with custom buttons designed to appeal to each member of my family. There ’ d be a Fulltime Football button and a Constant Cartoons knob, along with one labeled Law and Order 24 / 7. And, for laughs, I could include one they ’ d find highly ...

... You know you're in Arizona when. You've signed so many petitions to recall governors that you can't remember the name of the incumbent. You notice your car overheating before you drive it. You can say Hohokam and people don't think you're laughing funny. You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water. You see more irrigation water flowing down the street than there is in the Salt River. You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink. You can say 115 degrees without fainting. You have to go to a fake beach for fake waves. You quickly discover (in July) that it only takes two fingers to drive your car. You can make sun tea outside faster than instant tea in the microwave. You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco ...

... Walmart Application This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. they hired him because he was so honest and funny. NAME: George Martin SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate). DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, what ever is available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185, 000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1: ...

... , we were cajoled into playing a fairly tame version of The Newlywed Game. Do you remember that old game show where couples who had recently walked down the aisle were separately asked a series of questions – many of which included the word whoopee-to see how well they knew each other? The honeymooners who gave matching answers to the most questions got to go home with something wonderful like a new Amana range or an apricot-colored lounge suite. But what made the show funny were the misfits, those arm-punching pairs who didn ’ t seem to know each other at all. They got sent home with only garden hoses and blenders, and the grooms likely found themselves spending a few nights on the couch. In our game, my husband and I – despite 20 years of wedded bliss-definitely fell into the misfit category. You ’ d have thought we were there on a first date. By the end of the evening, I was ready ...

... the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO !" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a" sunny beach". I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing. why, even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in ...

... lame. It was just another of the great mysteries of maturity into which I expected to someday be initiated. Of course, when I eventually realized it was simply one more silly misinterpretation on my part, I felt kind of let down. When I became an adult, it finally dawned on me that there is no great grown-up enigma that is magically made manifest when you reach a certain age. I stayed up late on New Year ’ s Eve, wearing a funny hat while drinking certain enervating beverages and humming along to Auld Lang Syne because I never could remember the words. But I didn ’ t really feel any different from the baffled kid I had been. The cattle-calling pot and the old lame sign were merely the beginning of my bewilderment. My parents have some friends who for years have thrown what I ’ ve always called a “ fuddy-duddy ” New Year ’ s Eve fest. They set their clocks ahead so that their guests ...

... spend days bladder training an incontinent patient. An experienced nurse will insert a Foley catheter. A Graduate Nurse always answers their phone. An experienced nurse checks their caller ID before answering the phone. A Graduate Nurse thinks psych patients are interesting. An experienced nurse thinks psych patients are crazy. A Graduate Nurse carries reference books in their bag. An experienced nurse carries magazines, lunch, and some" cough syrup" in their bag. A Graduate Nurse doesn't find this funny. An experienced nurse does. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... remove all doubt. Don't part with illu-sions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. Be careful to get out of an experience all the wisdom that is in it; not like the cat that sits down on a hot stove. She will never sit down on a hot stove lid again .and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore. [Author Unknown-from 'The Funny Bone ' (daily-fun @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... drove my family and a couple thousand of our closest friends to set sail recently on an after-Christmas cruise in the Caribbean. It ’ s not that we wanted to sail around the sea for a few days eating everything in sight. We certainly didn ’ t choose to arrive home after our gluttonous voyage weighing about the same, in tonnage, as the boat we came in on. So we must have been on a mission from God. The human psyche is a funny thing. Despite having inhaled enough calories during the holidays to keep Paris Hilton alive into the next millennium, when presented with limitless amounts of food on board ship, we fell to eating as if we were famine victims. We ate and we ate. And when we were bloated and seemingly unable to cram in one more bite, we ate some more. Naturally, we needed drinks to wash down all that “ free ” food. Fortunately, there were always smiling attendants ...

... . So thinking quickly I pour some in, Then I see a frightening thing begin. A fiery face came to my eyes, It must be Satan in disguise! It grabbed the stove in a flaming grasp! I screamed, and gave a frightened gasp. What happened next I can't describe, But death threatened by my side. Let loose a wild lion in my den, But never, ever, will I cook again !!! [Author Unknown-from 'The Funny Bone '-Ed: anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1 / 2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710. The guys behind theare looking at it upside down as she writes it and they just fall down laughing hystericly. One guy said," I think you want an 'OIL ' cap" She said," Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call it, I just need one! I don't see what is so funny about it" Proverbs 3: 5 NIV" Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding ;" [Author Unknown-from 'LABlaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Bumper Stickers To Ponder If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You Jesus Loves You-The Rest Of Us Think You're An Idiot. Forget World Peace-Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal! Hang Up And Drive! Where There's A Will. I Want To Be In It! Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again? This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away? This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway Honk If Anything Falls Off He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Is Miles From The Next Exit I Haven't Lost My Mind-It's Backed-Up On Disk Somewhere [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... , once a week. okay, monthly then. or maybe. at least once a year. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3: 00 AM in the morning. 4: 30 AM is much more practical since my friends overseas already had time to answer me by then. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply," LOL. LOL !" I will read the manual. just as soon as I can find it. I will think of a password other than" password" I resolve. I resolve to. I resolve to, uh. I resolve to, uh, get my, er. I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too! [Author Unknown-from John Traver] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All ...

... Huh? My forgetter's getting better But my rememberer is broke. To you that may seem funny but, to me, that is no joke. For when I'm" here" I'm wondering If I really should be" there" And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Oft times I walk into a room, Say" what am I here for ?" I wrack my brain, but all in vain; A zero, is my score. At times I put something away Where it is safe, but, Gee! The person it is safest from Is, generally, me! When shopping I may see someone, Say" Hi" and have a chat, Then, when the person walks away I ask myself" who's that ?" Yes, my forgetter's getting better While my rememberer is broke, And it's driving me plumb crazy And that isn't any joke. [Author unknown (or ...

... , to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years" And the dog responded ," Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, make it no more than 10 years" And it was so. God then created the monkey, and told him," You are a monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years" And the monkey said," Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years" And it was so. Finally, God created Man and told him," You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over all the creatures of the world. You will dominate the ...

... Now That I'm Older. Here's what I've discovered: I started out with nothing, I still have most of it. My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. If all is not lost, where is it? It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant. I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess? It's not hard to meet expenses. they're everywhere. The only difference between a rut ...

... My Forgetter My forgetter's getting better But my rememberer is broke to you that may seem funny but, to me, that is no joke For when I'm" here" I'm wondering If I really should be" there" And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Oft times I walk into a room, Say" what am I here for ?" I wrack my brain, but all in vain A zero, is my score. At times I put something away Where it is safe, but, Gee! The person it is safest from Is, generally, me! When shopping I may see someone, Say" Hi" and have a chat, Then, when the person walks away I ask myself," who the heck was that ?" Yes, my forgetter's getting better While my rememberer is broke, And it's driving me plumb crazy And that isn't any joke. CAN YOU RELATE ??? ...

... So I was moved to food. I cooked a soggy spinach quiche for a teacher breakfast and Kitchen Sink cookies for the first PTA meeting. Those treats turned literal when they actually fell into the sink as I tried to juggle a cookie-laden plate and a crying child at the same time. They were slightly damp, but still perfectly edible. (The rash of reported illness among parents the next day was a mere coincidence) My giant Jello monster at Halloween was more funny than frightening. By Thanksgiving, I was a confirmed bottom-feeder, instructed to bring turnips (turnips !) to the class Pilgrim feast. I tried to redeem myself at Christmas, but my cupcakes collapsed into a gooey mess. I managed to fall short at every turn, forgetting the spoons for the Chili Cookoff, knocking over a display at the Book Fair and spilling the soda at the Fall Festival. Clumsy and barely competent, I was clearly an abomination to the bake sale ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! LBD Conspiracy It ’ s funny how one ’ s self-image tends to stay frozen in time. Your mind picks out a moment when you looked your best, sometimes a moment that occurred many moons (and many pounds) ago, and it goes through some kind of freezing process that crystallizes this warm memory into a mental ice cube tray where you can periodically pull it out of the figurative freezer of dreams and lick it with the symbolic tongue of delusion just to make sure it ’ s still there. Or something like that. For my husband, this frosted fantasy is more than 20 years old and revolves around his balmy bachelor days when he drove a little red sports car and spent his weekends logging hours as a private pilot. He keeps a picture of himself – I call it his Top Gun picture-from those days. He ’ s leaning against that sports car, handsome ...

... with all they have. I've learned-that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated. I've learned-that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it. I've learned-that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't biological. I've learned-that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. I've learned-that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to forgive yourself. I've learned-that no matter how bad your heart is broken ...

... you have skull apathy? Skull apathy afflicts one out of ten men who were present during atomic bomb tests and then later fell into the Love Canal. Listen closely to these symptoms:" Has there recently been an obvious change in a wart or mole, such as pulsating colors or bird whistles ?" (Ohmygosh, yes! I have a mole I've been calling Bullwinkle, because that is sort of who it looks like, and lately he seems to have developed a funny bend in one of his legs)" Do you sometimes believe you can see Al Gore talking without moving his lips ?" (Yes !)" Do you think you are like everyone else ?" (Doesn't everybody ?)" Do you have trouble booting Windows 98 ?" (Yes !)" Do flames shoot out of your eyes when you are driving at night ?" (Yes! Well, sort of)" Are you troubled by cold sheets, swooping bats, percussion grenades ?" ( ...

... Inspirational and Christian POEMS-A Peacock Tale (humorous ). ...

... Inspirational and Christian POEMS-A Peacock Tale (humorous ). ...

... Inspirational and Christian HUMOR-A Cowboy's Prayer (humorous poem ). ...

... Inspirational and Christian HUMOR-A Peacock Tale (humorous ). ...