... trouble while not forking over too much money. Kind of like a Survivor for Sweethearts reality show. Unlike the million-dollar winner on the real Survivor show, however, the most a man who makes it through Valentine ’ s Day can hope for is a wash. At least that ’ s what a married (and male) friend of mine told me. “ You don ’ t get credit for going to a nice restaurant or buying jewelry ,” he said. “ Like ... , I want that sweater back) So my heart hurts a little as I watch my boy trying to navigate the treacherous rapids of romance. Like most males, he really wants to make his lady happy. But just like that hopeless romantic Sigmund Freud, my son often finds himself asking the age-old question: What do women want? And like Freud, he doesn ’ t have a clue. Just before V-Day, I found him sitting on his bed, staring forlornly ...

... Optimist-Pessimist There is a story of identical twins. One was a hope-filled optimist." Everything is coming up roses !" he would say. The other twin was a sad and hopeless pessimist. He thought that Murphy, as in Murphy's Law, was an optimist. The worried parents of the boys brought them to the local psychologist. He suggested to the parents a plan to balance the twins ' personalities...." On their next birthday, put ... in separate rooms to open their gifts. Give the pessimist the best toys you can afford, and give the optimist a box of manure" The parents followed these instructions and carefully observed the results. When they peeked in on the pessimist, they heard him audibly complaining:" I don't like the color of this computer.. I'll bet this calculator will break... I don't like the game... I know someone who's got a bigger toy car than ...

... , they took each guest into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, “ Done! Everyone should be fine now, I hope-and he left ” Afterwards, all the guests were looking exhausted as they sat around the living room. Just then, the 17-year-old neighbor girl came into the living room and handed Janet a slip of paper. “ Mrs. Jones ... can take care of it. I ’ ll call for an ambulance and I will be there as soon as possible. I'll give everyone enemas and I will pump-out every ones stomach. Since it has only been a short time, hopefully, everyone will be okay ” “ Just keep them calm … don ’ t panic ” Soon they heard the siren as the ambulance was coming up the road. The EMTs and the doctor carried in their medical cases and a stomach pump ...

... Kids Takes On Life SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:" Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores"-Del, age 6" Shake your hips and hope for the best"-Camille, age 9" Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs. and don't worry if their parents are right there"-Manuel, age 8" Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love"-Alonzo, age 9" One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me"-Bart, age 9 HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?" Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love" ...

... Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a well-meaning husband who has inherited the house and kids. Monday A.M. Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six. Tuesday A.M. Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the frig. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you about this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili. Wednesday A.M. Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come ...

... be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants" On landing, the stewardess said," Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have." There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"" Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride" As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:" Whoa, big fella. WHOA !" After a particularly rough landing during thunder-storms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced," Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has ...

... Brain Transplant In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber." I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news ," he said as he surveyed the worried faces." The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves" The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked," Well, how much does a brain cost ?" The doctor quickly responded, "$ 5, 000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain" The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A ...

... Dear Mr. President: How much money does the president make? Could you please write and tell me because if it isn't enough money then I will become a dentist. -Timothy U, age 7 Jamestown, NY When will we have a woman president? I am ready. -Brooke A, age 10 Peoria, IL Do you have any friends in Congress? My mom says your only friend is the vice-president. -Richard D, age 8 Greenwich, CT Someday I hope there will be a woman president. But not my sister. She will drive everybody crazy-the Democrats and Republicans. -A citizen, Lawrence K, age 8 Atlanta, GA What is your favorite book? My mom said it is the Bible because you have to pray a lot. -Kimberly W, age 8, Meriden, CT Dear President Bush: Can you help with the weather in Seattle? It rains too much. My mom said not even the president can ...

... substance. You mastered the art of placing large quanitities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching. Your child insists that you read Once Upon a Potty out loud in the lobby of the doctor's office, or, better yet, in the lobby of a Grand Central Station. and you do it. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids. You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats. You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons, while your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend. You hate the thought of his wife even more. You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes. You fast-forward through the scene when ...

... eagles, the charges, they came And they whistled and shouted and called them by name. Now Nordstroms, now K-Mart, now Price Club and Kinneys, To Broadway, to Target, we'll finish at Penney's! To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall, Their packages piled up; they'd OUT-BOUGHT THEM ALL !! As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, When they meet with an obstacle mount to the sky, So flew away hope of a Christmas of joys, Not a problem was changed by the gifts and the toys. And then, in a twinkling, Dad knew without doubt, They needed to know," What is Christmas about ?" That night in a dream he saw Bethlehem town, And a babe in a manger with thorns for a crown! And then what Dad saw brought the tears like a flood, Christ's back was all tarnished where lashes brought blood. A rugged old cross was ...

... two days to file. And who knows? Maybe you'll get a refund. That's the spirit! Let's begin with your name, address, and marital status. Sorry to hear about the divorce. But don't let it get you down-that alimony deduction will come in mighty handy in these tough financial times! Please don't cry. The economy's bound to bounce back. In the meantime, let's talk about dependents. Do you have any children? Wow! I hope they're not all in college. Do you have any other dependents? Sorry. You can't deduct your dog, even if she is your only friend. I agree. The IRS is unreasonable. But let's move on to income. What were your wages in 2008? You are having a bad go of it, aren't you? But at least you're getting the Unemployment Benefits max. I'm afraid Unemployment Benefits are taxable. The government giveth and the government taketh away. Hey ...

... arrived yet, and the semester starts tomorrow. And God gave the teacher a heart slightly bigger than the average human heart. For the teacher's heart had to be big enough to love the kid who screams," I hate this class-it's boring !" and to love the kid who runs out of the class at the end of the period without so much as a good bye or a thank you. And lastly, God gave the teacher an abundant supply of hope. For God knew that the teacher would always be hoping. Hoping that the students would one day learn to spell. Hoping not to have lunchroom duty. hoping that Friday would come. hoping for a free day. hoping for deliverance. When God finished creating the teacher, He stepped back and admired the work of His hands. And God saw that the teacher was good. Very Good. And God smiled, for when He looked at the teacher, He saw ...

... those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all. Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild. CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy. Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue ?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way ...

... it will grow into something that really needs to be cured." I'd like to prescribe a new drug" I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig." That's quite a nasty looking wound" I think I'm going to throw up." This may smart a little" Last week two patients almost bit off their tongues." This should fix you up" The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff. Hope it works..." Everything seems to be normal" Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all." I'd like to run some more tests" I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as Fixes-Broken-Things 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and Best-Friend 7.6. A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shut down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 or Golfing 2.3 until Mother-In-Law 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years." We trust in time you will learn to fully appreciate and enjoy this product! [Author Unknown-from Randy, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... couple of days, softening her explanations with an endearment. First, I gave clothes. (“ Too itchy for me, dear ,” she ’ d say, “ and too dark for my skin tone ”) Then I moved into a kitchen phase, giving her a beautifully carved wooden breadbox. (“ It takes up too much room on my counter, cupcake ”) and a comprehensive set of cookbooks (“ I already know how to cook, silly ”) Next, I pinned my hopes on travel, giving her an overnight stay in a charming bed-and-breakfast. (“ You never know who ’ s staying next to you, sweetie ”) One year, I presented her with a gift certificate to a day spa. (“ Those places are riddled with bacteria, sunshine ”) I plied her with creamy lotions and powerful perfumes (“ Allergies, buttercup, did you forget about my allergies ?”) I even attempted a book club subscription (“ I don ’ t like that kind of pressure ...

... my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died" If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. Cry out in surprise," Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been ?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can," I don't have any friends. would you be my friend ?" If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. ...

... feel this way. But despite the fact that he doesn't express it, I can assure you, it's not just the money -your son also cares very deeply about the fact that when he comes home to visit you do his laundry. QUESTION: I don't get what all the fuss is about: I feel like I have enough money to send my child to college. ANSWER: It's an honor to get a question from Bill Gates. For everybody else, I hope this edition of Bruce the Answer Man has been helpful!~Bruce Cameron~[ by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2007 (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... rag in hand, you rush to the door. (Note: Rushing is important. Practice your harried" you caught me right in the middle of things" look) They will have come to deliver one of the following messages:" Keep your cat out of my petunias ,"" Our other sister-in-law's house is even dirtier than yours ,"" I just stopped by to remind you (again) that you're not good enough for my son ," or" I just hope you're not killing my grandchildren with all this dirt" Take heart, though. Sooner or later, they'll have to leave, taking with them the distinct impression that in just an hour or two, your home will be immaculate. Ah, the sweet taste of victory! But what, you may ask, do you do with the stuff you've dragged out? This is where the second part of your training comes into play. As an officially recognized HCA, you'll be ...

... thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory. My Boss said to me," What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier. My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain. I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is an idiot, too. but at least I respect him. He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE. Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it. Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution:" I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project !" HR Manager to job candidate" I see you've had no ...

... always asking for money. One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature. Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday. The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them. We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton for the ears of those who think he's too loud! Hope to see you there! [Author Unknown-Submitted by: Tanya Foster] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... to the first night of my new play; bring a friend. if you have one"-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill" Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second. if there is one"-Winston Churchill, in response." I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here"-Stephen Bishop" He is a self-made man and worships his creator"-John Bright" I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial"-Irvin S. Cobb" He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others"-Samuel Johnson" He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up"-Paul Keating" There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure" Jack E. Leonard" He has the attention span of a lightning bolt"-Robert Redford" They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge" ...

... . One of my dad ’ s friends actually once punched a hole in the wall, unable to contain his outrage at the calamity that had befallen the team. All over a silly game. I just didn ’ t get it. Then I went to college (at OU, naturally) and there, on a bright August day, I met a handsome, seemingly normal man. We talked about everything under the sun – literature, art, philosophy, our hopes and dreams. But then came September, and I was shocked one Saturday to find this fellow that I ’ d fallen for screaming shirtless in a stadium, his face and body painted crimson for the team. If I was smart, I ’ d have run away as fast as I could. But I was in love, and we all know that love is as blind as, judging by fan reaction, a great number of football referees. So I foolishly married ...

... should try stock brokerage"" I procrastinate-especially when the task is unpleasant"" I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to resond to my resume on my office voicemanil"" Qualifications: No education or experience"" Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets"" Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department"" Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head !" Cover letter:" Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty !" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... We at Silicon Pines want to help. WHAT EXACTLY IS AN" ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY ?" Sometimes referred to as" Homes for the Technologically Infirm ,"" Technical Invalid Care Centers ," or" Homes for the Technically Challenged ," Assisted Computing Facilities (ACFs) are modeled on assisted living facilities, and provide a safe, structured residential environment for those unable to handle even the most common, everyday multitasks. Most fully accredited ACFs, like Silicon Pines, are an oasis of hope and encouragement that allow residents to lead productive, technologically relevant lives without the fear and anxiety associated with actually having to understand or execute the technologies themselves. WHO SHOULD BE IN AN ACF? Sadly, technology is advancing at such a dramatic rate that many millions, of all ages, will never truly be able to understand it, putting an undue burden on those friends and family members who must explain it to them. But unless the loved one is suffering from a truly ...

... the opposite side) Swell-a wave that's just great. Square Rigger-a rigger over 30. Sloop-A sailboat with beer and / or wine in the cabin. Tack-A maneuver the skipper uses when telling the crew what they did wrong without getting them mad. Yawl-A sailboat from Texas, with some good bourbon stored down yonder in the cabin Zephyr-Warm, pleasant breeze. Named after the mythical Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable forecasts. [Author Unknown-WestPac, from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! To Do or Not To Do When my children are grown and looking back over their childhoods, I hope they ’ ll forgive me for my Shakespeare phase. This was a phase in which I ’ d quote The Bard extensively, or as extensively as my Cliff Notes knowledge of him would allow. When it was past my kids ’ bedtimes, I ’ d order them “ to sleep, perchance to dream ” When my daughter was whining about something, I ’ d announce that “ the lady doth protest too much ” When I had to pick up my son ’ s stinky sneakers, I ’ d say sarcastically as I gagged at the odor wafting from them, “ a rose by any other name would smell as sweet ” And when my darlings would head out the door to school in the morning, I ’ d call out after them: “ Parting is such sweet sorrow ...

... Do not faint; just say you're welcome." Thanks a lot ": This is much different from" Thanks". A woman will say," Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the" Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the" Loud Sigh ", as she will only tell you" Nothing" I hope this information will help you avoid future misunderstandings. [Author Unknown-Christine, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Winterize Your Lawn" Winterize your lawn ," the big sign outside the garden store commanded. I've fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a lot of it die in spite of all my efforts. Now I'm supposed to winterize it? I hope it's too late. Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing we've come up with outside of thong swimsuits! We constantly battle dandelions, Queen Anne's lace, thistle, violets, chicory and clover that thrive naturally, so we can grow grass that must be nursed through an annual four-step chemical dependency. Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis about this:" Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of ...

... his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose idea was it to put an" S" in the word" lisp "? If people evolved from apes, did some apes choose not to evolve? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the top end on your first try? How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with ...

... no idea how it works"" We're going to be late" Really means:" Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac"" Take a break, honey, you're working too hard" Really means:" I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner"" That's interesting, dear" Really means:" Are you still talking ?"" Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing" Really means:" And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon"" I can't find it" Really means:" It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless"" You know I could never love anyone else" Really means:" I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse"" You look terrific" Really means:" Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving"" I'm not lost. I know exactly where ...

... Words Are Tools Words are tools of communication. Unfortunately, words often have different meanings for different people. Here are some examples. It is in process-So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless. We will look into it-By the time the wheel makes a full turn we assume you will have forgotten it, too. A program-Any assignment that can't be completed by one telephone call. Expedite-To confound confusion with commotion. Channels-The trail left by interoffice memos. Coordinator-The guy who has a desk between two expediters. Consultant (or Expert)-Any ordinary guy more than 50 miles from home. To activate-To make copies and add more names to the memo. To implement a program-Hire more people and expand the office. Under consideration-Never heard of it. Under active consideration-We're looking in the files for it. In the earliest stage of ...

... . You're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair little holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it. In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say trespass against us, ' which isn't right, but what can you do? Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because daymay confuse da plane's navigation system, which is done by da seat of da pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God meant you ...

... The 'Real ' Night Before Christmas 'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse Instructions were studied and we were inspired, in hopes we could manage" Some Assembly Required" The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, while Dad and I faced the evening with dread: a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot! And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot! We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat-let no parts be missing or parts incomplete! Too late for last-minute returns or replacement; if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement! When what to my worrying eyes should appear but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear, With each part numbered and every slot named, so if we failed, only we could be blamed. More rapid than eagles the parts then ...

... mother the whole story, blow-by-blow. She laughed and laughed," We heard it on this morning's radio !" With unchecked glee, she told what muddled my 4-year-old head:" A man, hit by a pickup. to the hospital ," she said. Well, many moons have passed and now I'm more sophisticated, Still, memories recall that day when I was far less jaded. And when in Heav'n I get to see my life pass in review, I hope to see that day replayed when 'cross the street I flew." Saint Peter, roll that scene where I'm a small, befuddled tot~A man, hit by a peacock, taken to the piddle-pot !" -Connie" When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child" (I Corinthians 13: 11, KJV) [by: Connie Hinnen Cook (cjcook @mynewroads.com)-from Connie Hinnen Cook] Inspirational Poems SkyWriting.Net All ...

... ever wanted to" lay hands" on a deacon's neck or punch out a council member. You hesitate to tell people what you do for a living. You ever talked to a person who was sitting on a bedpan. You find yourself counting people at a sports event. You received an anonymous U-Haul gift certificate. Everybody stops talking when you enter the room. You've ever stretched the truth (lied) at a funeral. You always read the obituaries (with hopefulness). You've ever had an anxiety attack while playing Bible Trivia Pursuit. You wonder why people who have some time to kill want to spend it with you. You get your second wind when you say" And in conclusion" The ideas you bounce-off board members really do. Your car tires are balding faster than your head. You wish someone would steal some of the sheep in your flock. You've seen more religion at a pool hall than you've seen at a Church ...

... What Caused that Error Message? what caused that error message? i'm sure it wasn't me. now there is another one-and i didn't touch a key! i bought a brand new program, hope it didn't have a bug. i think it's much more likely it was caused by a mug. the screen is black, the cursor's gone, someone must have hid it. aha, now it's back again-but i don't know how i did it! i'm sure that this computer has a mind of its own, so until i find an expert better leave the thing alone! well, now i'm on the internet, i wish i had been told-that all my little problems would increase a thousand-fold! i dialed up my home page, just to have a look around at anything of interest-but the server can't be found. finally it's working, i access many sites, got lots of information-downloaded megabytes ...

... ." Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us ?"" Well ," Timmy explained," every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer psalm says," Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life ," so I guess I'll just have to get used to it. (Your PUN for the day-and hopefully a smile.) [Author Unknown-from" theodora" (theo2 @sunlitsurf.com ), via 'Sermon Fodder '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... To My Dear Friend To My Dear Friend, Pastor Phil Blowhorn: I sure hope attendance at your church was better'n my church. Mercy, pastorin ' ain't always easy, now is it? We had us a bunch of sick folk, and them added to all the shut-ins made for a whole lot uh pew cushions to look at from the pulpit. I got to admit, I was feelin ' somewhat put out, but I went ahead and preached anyhows. Only thing was, with all them people missin ' the echo in the church gave me a hoot of a headache. My wife said I needed to git out and ride a bit 'cause the fresh air would make me feel better. Well, she took to drivin ' and I took to ridin ' and sure 'nuff, she was right. Not only did my head clear up, but what I saw renewed my faith in the Good Lord. I tell you, ...

... not sure if you noticed it. I asked the painters to cut air holes in the drop cloths so you wouldn't be disturbed. Well dear, I must be going. The family is leaving on a ski trip and there is much packing to do. I've hired a house-keeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to the computer room just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer have a lovely time while we are gone. Kevin, Nikki and I think of you often. Try to remember us while your hard-disk is booting. Love, Andy [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Lies Ahead Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work After Death Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found By Tree Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84 War Dims Hope For Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Deer Kill 17, 000 Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire British Union Finds Dwarves In Short ...

... pot. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with her son's baseball bat, breaking his arm in two places. Up until that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman. STILL think you're having a bad day? Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death. STILL think you're having a bad day? There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 A. M. on Sundays. So a Worldwide team ...

... shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop and it says," I Got Worms" In your 60s: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose off the dog poop off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure. In your 70s: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Walmart until they have your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog poop on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather. In your 80s: Stop ...

... . MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR ' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are. MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes. MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure. BUA MANAGEMENT (BY USING ABBREVIATIONS) This management style is ATRASACWOC. (Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms. MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize. MANAGING BY BELIEVING These managers must be spiritual ...

... Valentine's Food For Thought Cabbage always has a heart; Green beans string along. You're such a cute tomato, Will you peas to me belong? You've been the apple of my eye, You know how much I care So lettuce get together, We'd make a perfect pear. Now, something's sure to turnip To prove you can't be beet; So, if you carrot all for me Let's let our tulips meet. Don't squash my hopes and dreams now, Bee my honey, dear; Or tears will fill potato's eyes, While sweet corn lends an ear. I'll cauliflower shop and say, Your dreams are parsley mine. I'll work and share my celery, So be my Valentine.-Jeanne Losey-[ By Jeanne Losey-Source: Colorado Comments (www.coloradocomments.com ), from Wit and Wisdom] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... his foot in the door and pushed it wide open." Don't be too hasty !" he said." Not until you have at least seen my demonstration" In addition, with that, he emptied a bag of ashes and dirt onto her hallway carpet." If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of the ashes and dirt from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder" The old woman stepped back and said," Well I hope you've got a darned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs ' (LABLaughs @LABLaughs.com)-Ed: Anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... of it. Ignore or deny physical pain. As comedian Billy Crystal reports," Mike Tyson once hit Trevor Berbick so hard, Trevor did the dance Ann-Margaret did in Bye Bye, Birdie. Did he hurt you, Trevor? 'I was, ah, stunned, that's all, just stunned" Never openly display a broken heart or discuss it with other guys .That's between you, your six-pack and your collection of Frank Sinatra records. Don't tell another man your deepest hopes or fears. That's like saying ," How do you like my suit of armor-It's only got two weak spots in it-here and here" If you want to lose weight, don't even think about giving up Ben & Jerry's Chuncky Monkey ice cream. Instead, pull on your running shoes and pound those calories into submission. Every guy should be hip about guns. Hand an economics professor a Remington, and even if he's never been within 100 light years of ...

... in the corner. Towels that earlier were well-behaved are suddenly mingling with sheets and pillowcases on unauthorized shelves. As neither my children nor my husband avows any knowledge of how they got there, I have to assume the terrible towels are in total revolt. There ’ s also the matter of moisture. Our towels have a strange mania for mildew. They will leap off the hooks on which they have been faithfully hung after being used to dry off a humid (and hopefully clean) human. Then they will insist on lying unmoved for hours, amassing smelly spores and funky fungi. Sometimes, they will even fling themselves into closets and under beds where they will be unlikely to be discovered for days. By then, they ’ ll have hardened into crustily creative origami with little resemblance to their former folded finery. It ’ s truly diabolical. The towels in my house adhere to a certain hierarchy. The lowest caste belongs to the torn, ...

... Missouri Farm Kid (Now at Camp Pendleton Basic Training Facility) Dear Ma and Pa, I am well. Hope you are the same. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, ...

... Diary Of A Cat DAY 752-My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. DAY 761-Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. must try this on their bed. DAY 762-Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night. DAY 765-Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware ...

... Dear Ma and Pa Dear Ma and Pa: Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m, but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things-no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between ...

... Day 4: The" Crocodile Dundee" Petting Zoo. You will be able to come up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless salt-water crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition. Day 5:" Those Marvelous Morays" This tour will once again return you to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of Stubby Hand Reef. We hope you will enjoy your trip! Your loyal and loving employees. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... the ball past the hole, off the green, and into a bunker! Maintaining his composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker! He retrieved the ball and, while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and said, very calmly," Honey, well we managed to salvage that hole, and I'm sure we can do better on the next hole" To which she replied," I certainly hope so! And just remember, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. [Author Unknown-Randy, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... , but civilization was saved by his heroic efforts. No word on whether, with this triumph, mail would be delivered. I met him at the door, pierced through his fog, and asked him to get the mail. He agreed in such as fashion as to indicate this was the first he'd heard of the subject. There was a skip in his step as he headed down he driveway, and he was making so much progress so quickly I felt my hopes growing, particularly when he reached out and actually touched the mailbox. Alas, he was only stopping to talk to it. Conferring in low tones, he nodded, squinting into the distance. He raised the mail flag, igniting the retrorockets strapped to his back. He throttled to full power and then dropped the flag, firing off into space with his arms outstretched like Superman. He was nowhere in sight when, half an hour later, I went out to get ...

... that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students. COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A: Go to Africa. Start at the Cape of Good Hope. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately East and West. During each traverse pass, Catch each animal seen. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant. Stop when a match is detected. EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees. ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random ...

... left me depressed, bewildered and prone to emotional excess." You could cut the apron strings without slicing through my heart, you know ," I whimper in one of my calmer moments." Mom ," he mumbles in that teenage tone of voice," why can't you just act normal ?" Normal is, of course, a relative term. In about 10 years, I will magically return to normalcy as my pubescent boy turns into an adult. At least I hope I do. In the meantime, I'm going to hang on to those severed apron strings. I may need them to strangle him.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to ...

... . For your convenience, we have developed a self assessment test to help you determine IF you are an Internet-aholic. Do you... Have a twitching sensation in your hands when you walk by your PC? Check your e-mail more than five times a day? Spend more time" chatting" online than eating or sleeping? Surf aimlessly for hours, with no specific objective, just to be online? Leave your name and information at countless web sites, in hopes that you'll receive an automated reply from a web site or company you're not really interested in anyway? Log-on to the Internet before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene, or basic bodily functions? Have red swollen eyes every day of the week, regardless of how many hours of sleep you get? Spend hours online while enjoying a holiday from work, where you would usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome, caused by" having" to use a ...

... a sport to play. He wanted to know if you would come to one of his games. if. we bought you a laptop to bring along? Do you remember him? He's the one who. empties your Port-a-Potty for you! Let's see. since the last time I wrote you. (3 months ago ), the refrigerator had to be replaced, The dog died from old age, your mother and dad painted the room, where your computer is. hope you like the color! The church has a new pastor, the president has been impeached, and oh yes. and I have a new job! Well, I think that's about it. I'll email you again in about 3 months. You take care of yourself, honey. We all miss you very much, and look forward to seeing you again. next time. the power goes off!: )) Love, Your Husband [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ...

... Company Motivation Posters-You'll Never See! If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. It's only unethical if you get caught. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. We put the" k" in" kwality" Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity! A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat. ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE. Two days without a Human Rights Violation! Your job is still better than asking," You want fries with that ?" If at first you don't succeed, try management. Never quit until you have another job. The floggings will continue until morale improves! [Thelly-from 'arizona_humor-owner @yahoogroups.com '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... A Terrible Illness Just wanted to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with a very serious condition and there's no hope I will ever recover. The scientific world is frantically searching for a cure. This is an ailment many of us suffer from and may not as yet have been diagnosed, however now you may be able to discuss it with your loved ones and try to explain what really happened to you all those times you tried so hard to accomplish something and couldn't. I call it the" But First Syndrome" You know, it's like when I decide to do the laundry, I start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I'm going to do the laundry. BUT FIRST, I'm going to read the newspaper. After that, I notice the mail on the table. OK, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack. BUT FIRST, I'll look through that pile of mail ...

... and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus ' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. I hope that you are satisfied"" Now, may we have our Title ?" [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... A Dieter's Christmas 'Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips were Fanny May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there. While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash tore open the icebox then threw up the sash The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow sent thoughts of a binge to my body below. When what to my wandering eyes should appear: a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick. The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on ...

... 'Twas A Computer Christmas T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the shop, The computers were whirring; they never do stop. The power was on and the temperature right, In hopes that the input would feed back that night. The system was ready, the program was coded, And memory drums had been carefully loaded; While adding a Christmasy glow to the scene, The lights on the console, flashed red, white and green. When out in the hall there arose such a clatter, The programmer ran to see what was the matter. Away to the hallway he flew like a flash, Forgetting his key in his curious dash. He stood in the hallway and looked all about, When the door slammed behind him, and he was locked out. Then, in the computer room what should appear, But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer; And a little old man, who with scarcely a pause, ...

... Almost every woman, on the other hand, believes she surely resembles a Teletubby in her swimsuit. We can only be persuaded to try on new ones each summer because – as with childbirth – we forget the agony endured during the experience. This seasonal amnesia allows us to set out once again on a search for the sublime suit, the one that will leave us looking like a supermodel. When I was younger, I too was seeking a supermodel suit. I hoped to be considered bodacious in my bathing attire. Now, having a middle-aged mom midriff untouched by a surgeon ’ s scalpel, I ’ m content if my beach body fails to cause vomiting or retinal damage. So with these modest goals in mind, I began my spandex search earlier this spring. I thought I ’ d found the ideal answer on the Internet with the Virtual Model. See, you can now re-create yourself online by entering your measurements. Then you can ...

... The number of yes answers determines the degree of... *** Your" Cat-ability" Score: 1 to 4 yes answers: In training-you could do better, but it's OK, you're learning. 5 to 8 yes answers: Moderate-working on it, improving nicely. Potential is there. 9 to 13 yes answers: Extreme-just about there, almost mastered the art. Keep stretching yourself. 14 to 17 yes answers: Totally possessed, hopelessly devoted, cat-a-holic. Congratulations! (But you'll find no 12 step program here !) Addicted and proud of it, I say! [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... by not using detergent._Don't worry, I washed my clothes last semester._I hang my clothes out the window when it rains. My room:_Can pass your" white glove" test._Is only %full._Could not be located last Saturday night._Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training. Parties:_I don't inhale_I only go to meet people_Haven't been to one since this morning. Hope you:_Miss me_Can live without me_Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence Salutation:_Your Daughter,_Your Son, [Author Unknown-Patricia, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... coming, I'm told. It should be a ball, they've rented a hall At the Shady Rest Home for the old. Repairs have been made on my old hearing aid; My pacemaker's been turned up on high. My wheelchair is oiled, and my teeth have been boiled; And I've bought a new wig and glass eye. I'm feeling quite hearty; I'm ready to party, I'll dance until dawn's early light. It'll be lots of fun; and I hope at least one Other person can make it that night. [Author Unknown-from Christine, via William Brabant (bbrabant @sault.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... baskets" ~~~~~~~ During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and after church, asked:" Gary, whatever made you do such a thing ?" Gary answered soberly:" I asked God to teach me to whistle. And He just then did !" ~~~~~~~ One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer." Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, if I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take" ~~~~~~~ A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night." Dear God, thank you for these pancakes" When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said," I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight" ~~~~~~ A little boy's prayer." Dear God, ...

... who needs off first. If you are on the top floor of a 32 story building and needed to go the 1st floor, the elevator will stop 31 times before you reach the ground. If you get off on the wrong floor and realize it the instant your foot hits the ground outside the elevator, it's much too embarrassing to admit you are wrong, so you stay outside the door and act like you know what you're doing then catch the next one and hope all the people you were with have gotten off. When there are six elevator doors, the one you stand in front of will be the last to open. When the elevator is the most full, one of two people will be on with you: an extremely sick man who coughs constantly and then gets off on the same floor you do, or a lady with a baby that screams through the entire ride. Don't pass gas in an elevator even if you are ...

... mixed them and baked them and put out the flames, tasted suspiciously like one of my mother's chocolate hockey pucks. My next step in this brave, selfless journey was to visit a series of local restaurants, where I discovered something that without exaggeration I will call the Gravest Problem Facing Mankind Today: No one knows how to make dessert any more. Instead of light cake piled high with sweet milk-chocolate frosting, restaurants now serve flourless concoctions topped with a thin smear of hopelessly bitter black goop that tastes like tar paper. The more expensive the restaurant, the worse it gets, each so-called cake more dark and hostile than the one before. My sister used to make better-tasting stuff with her Easy-Bake (reg) Oven! This is bad news for all human beings and, more importantly, for me. Unless he works for the government, a man has to have principles, and here are mine: Chocolate should be light, sweet, and ...

... , don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal" MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing" MEANS: what did you catch me at?" She's one of those rabid feminists" MEANS: she refused to make my coffee." I heard you" MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I can fake it well enough, so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me." You know I could never love anyone else" MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realise it could be worse." You really look terrific in that outfit" MEANS: Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving." I brought you a present" MEANS: It was free ice scraper on the cover of ...

... tu bes -you're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair liddle holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're gonna have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it. In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive dose who sin against us, which some people say 'trespass against us, ' which isn't right, but what can you do? Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is by da pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God had meant you to use ...

... Little Old Ladies A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said," I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease. It's just that you look so much like my late son" He answered," That's okay"" I know it's silly, but if you'd call out..." Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy" She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out," Goodbye, Mom" The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, He went to pay for his groceries." That comes to ...

... more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma ** Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota ** Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City ** Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens ** Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh ** Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena ** ...

... talking about our women will get you whipped .by our women. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us when a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13 inch trout you fish for-" bait". Pull your pants up. You look like an Idiot. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. That's right, whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink. No, there's no" Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets ...

... telephone. Opened a can of soda, took a few sips, then put the can back in the fridge. Sunday-Slept late. Spent most of the rest of the day complaining of boredom. So, you see, there's nothing to worry about. I plan to diligently keep up to date on your chores for as long as necessary. Please, if you see that there is anything that I may have neglected, be sure to let me know. Hope you're doing just fine up at school! Dad [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include, floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility. POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you. PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered ...

... before you put dirty items (again, make sure they Are dirty first) in the laundry room. Have you ever tried to pick tiny Pieces of white paper off an entire load of dark clothes? No? I thought Not! But the next time this occurs, you will have the pleasure of this Experience. Special note: In the future, all money found in pockets Becomes the property of the laundry-doer, and that most assuredly will be Mom, who hopes to be able to save up for a Caribbean cruise, which she Will go on alone. She has heard that you don't have to do laundry while You are on a cruise! Folded Clothes Rule~When those clean clothes miraculously appear on your bed or chair, Graciously thank the saintly person who lovingly placed them there and PUT THEM AWAY! Special note: Failure to do this in the future will result in a Generous contribution to the Goodwill. General Dirty Clothes Rule ...

... child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade. it is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom. IMAGES OF MOTHER 4 years of age: -My mommy can do anything! 8 years of age: -My mom knows a lot! A whole lot! 12 years of age: -My mother doesn't really know quite everything. 14 years of age: -Naturally, mother doesn't know that, either. 16 years of age: -Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned. 18 years of age: -That old woman? She's way out of date! 25 years of age: -Well, she might know a little bit about it. 35 years of age: -Before we decide, let's get mom's opinion. 45 years of age: -Wonder what mom would have thought about it? 65 years of age: -Wish I could talk it over with mom. [Author Unknown-from Sermon_Fodder] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... questions. I always think of you. Yours truly Susan FERVENT WISHES, SUGGESTIONS AND COMPLAINTS Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce Dear God How come you didn't invent any new animals lately? We still have just all the old ones. Johny Dear God, It rained for are whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend But I am not going to tell you who I am Please send me a pony I never ask for anything before you can look it up. Bruce Dear Mr. God I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had 3 stitches and a shot. Janet Dear-God-if-we-come-back-as-someth ng-please-dont-let-me-be-Jennifer Horton-because-I-hate-her. Denise Dear God, If you give me genie lamp like Alladin I will give you anything you ...

... Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off .to your advantage, of course. Always go to the bathroom first. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter. (Waving them is optional but occasionally helps !) Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully). Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right ?) Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally. [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies ' ( ...

... laughed lightly." Here ?"" Kidney ," he responded, shaking his head." More here"" That's your heart"" Well, anyway, my doctor hasn't yet come up with a successful treatment ," I continued." I see" He frowned at his clipboard." Do you think maybe we'd be more comfortable conducting this interview at the cookie table ?" I suggested." Okay, other than the pancreas issue, you feel fine ?" he inquired hopefully." Oh, no. I need to see an ear, nose and throat specialist ," I advised." How come ?"" For my ear, nose and throat ," I said simply." I see. Well, we'll take your temperature in a minute, and if that's normal, we'll go ahead and answer this question 'yes ," he decided." Is that alright with you ?"" I often run fevers that don't register on the thermometers ," I warned ...

... , it's certainly good to see you. We have heard so many good things about you. I must inform you that Heaven is filling up, and so we've been giving an entrance quiz to everyone. The tests are short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven" Forrest responds" It sure is good to be here, St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; Life was a big enough test as it was" St. Peter goes on," I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions :" What days of the week begin with the letter 'T '? How many seconds are there in a year? What is God's first name? Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam ...

... to her. Although most of us no longer live in the country, we all have our version of the marital horse on the porch. The final phase comes when we are emotionally waterlogged from swimming in the gene pool and – our family ties strengthened-we say our goodbyes. Soon, the reunions will become part of our Remember Whens. Before we know it, the teens will be the middle-agers, and I ’ ll be one of the old fogies. Hopefully, I won ’ t talk about hemorrhoids. But, given my family history, I ’ m probably doomed to repeat it.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was ...

... EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation. I can't come in because I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates. I refuse to travel to my job in the district until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share. I'm just checking to make sure everything is okay with my not coming in today. I hope you haven't forgotten about our little agreement at last year's Christmas party. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... pro" -a person who is paid by the country club to discredit the theory that a deep tan is bad for your health. I arrived at the club house early and found myself eavesdropping on four men who were chatting about their morning round of golf with all the intensity of people discussing something actually interesting. My highly trained ear picked up on the lingo, so that when the golf pro arrived, I was able to impress him by remarking casually," I hope I can punt well enough on the third hole to get a double google or maybe even a beagle"" Your English is very good !" he responded brightly. His name was Jack and he appeared to be in his early 30s. He was annoyingly fit despite the fact that he did nothing all day but play golf. Jack suggested we start with the basics, which I scoffed at." Oh, I think I can drive a golf cart ," I told him ...

... even putt.~Dean Martin If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up.~Tommy Bolt Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one.~Author Unknown I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.~Bob Hope My handicap? Woods and irons.~Chris Codiroli The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.~Pete Dye I'm hitting the woods just great~but having a terrible time getting out of them!~Author Unknown If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.~Jack Lemmon It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.~Mark Twain ...

... the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4: 30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived. Consider Another Line Of Work: Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Be Strong: Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (AIKENSLongJoke @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... EMPLOYEES Vegetarians-I've had it with you people !! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not; you can just sit at the table farthest from the" grill of death ," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard the scream. I'm hearing them right now. Ha Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Patty Leiws, Human December 14th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has cancelled our Holiday Party and is giving everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off, with full pay! Happy Holidays! Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director. [Author Unknown-from ...

... She was not amused. This year, I ’ ve decided to embrace my gravy deficiency as an opportunity to develop my own character. I am not going to be grumpy about my gravy. I ’ m going to be thankful for all the things I take for granted. I ’ m going to remember that my life, even when lumpy, is pretty darn sweet. In fact, most of the time, I am definitely on the gravy train. I hope you are, too. Happy Thanksgiving.~Jackie Papandrew 2008~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008 ( ...

... Navy version-" Twas the Night Before Christmas" 'Twas the night before Christmas, compartments were still, The sailors were sleeping, as most sailors will. The ditty bags hung by the lockers with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. The men were all peacefully dreaming in bed As visions of liberty danced in each head. The Chief in his skivvies, hopped into his rack, Having just came from town and a quick midnight snack. When out on the deck there arose such a roar, I ran to the porthole to find out the score. I stuck out my head and started to shout," Just what in the world is this noise all about ?" A moon made for boon-docking showed with a glow, It was downright cold out, 'bout seven below. What I saw out there looked like those Mardi Gras floats, T'was a Captain's gig drawn by white Navy goats. In the boat ...