... What is Love? This question was posed to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds:" What does love mean ?"" Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way"" When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love"" When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth"" Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other"" Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs"" Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know ...

... I Love My Job I love my job, I love the pay, I love it more and more each day. I love my boss and he's the best. I love HIS boss and all the rest. I love my office and its location. I hate to have to take vacation. I love my desk, so drab and gray, And love those paper piles each day. I love my chair in my padded cell; There's nothing else I love so well. I love to work among my peers. I love their leers, jeers and sneers. I love my computer and all its ware; I hug it often to show I care. I love each program and every file; I even try using it once in a while. I'm happy to be here, I am, I am. I'm the happiest slave to my Uncle Sam. I love this work; I love these chores; I love the ...

... If You Love Somebody THE ORIGINAL VERSION: If you love something, Set it free. If it comes back, it's yours, If it doesn't, it never was yours. THE PESSIMIST VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free. If she ever comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was. THE OPTIMIST VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free. Don't worry, she will come back. THE SUSPICIOUS VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free. If she ever comes back, ask her why. THE IMPATIENT VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free. If she doesn't comes back within some time limit, forget her. THE PATIENT VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free. If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back. THE PLAYFUL VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free. ...

... Pet Place How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.... I love thee agreeably-enough to let your stinky dog hide on the bed after a run through damp leaves, mud and slug infested gardens. I love thee steadfastly-enough to devote a year to raising you from a wobbly speck into a strong healthy adult (who promptly attempts to seize control). I love thee passionately-despite your repeated efforts to probe my ears, eyes and mouth with the same tongue you use for various other atrocities. I love thee well-despite the amazing odors you produce. I love thee deeply-though you use me as a napkin at every opportunity. I love thee madly-despite the various bodily functions you have performed at inappropriate moments-in inappropriate places. I love thee constantly-despite the dog" bladder curfew" I have lived by for many years. I love thee truly-despite ...

... I've Learned I've learned-that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I've learned-that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back. I've learned-that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it. I've learned-that it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts. I've learned-that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something. I've learned-that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do. I've learned-that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life. I've learned-that it's taken me a long time to become the person I want to be. I've learned-that you should always leave loved ones with ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Teenager in Love-Each night I ask the stars up above Why must I be a teenager in love?-Dion And The Belmonts My teenage son is in love for the first time, and his puppy love is taking a big bite out of his mother ’ s psyche. I know his heart will go on, but I ’ m not sure mine can stand the strain. You forget how ferocious those early crushes can be. Today ’ s teens don ’ t get the chance to build up the intestinal fortitude needed to safely survive first love ’ s flames. When I was a teenager, you had to pay your dues. The telephone – which was tethered to the kitchen wall by a crazy thing called a cord – would ring, and your heart would leap within as you raced to be the first one to answer it. If you were lucky, you were ...

... Kids Letters to God PUZZLEMENTS, DILEMMAS, AND OTHER IMPONDERABLES In Sunday School they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on vacation? Jane How did you know you were God? Charlene Dear God, I read the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. Love Alison Dear God, On halloween I am going to wear a devil's costume. Is that all right with you? Marnie Dear God. Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? Lucy Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? Anita Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident. Norma Dear God. Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan Dear God, Do animals use you or is there somebody else for them? Nancy Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed ...

... The Letter Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes: The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a" honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed," For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, ...

... Why God Created Pets A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to" Where do pets come from ?" Adam said," Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me" And God said," No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself" And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal ...

... On Marriage" Some marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning storms"" Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be surprised at the number that re-enlist"-James Garner" Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards"-Benjamin Franklin" Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost-she may have got him"" A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions he can answer"-Ronald Colman" Before marriage the three little words are 'I love you, after marriage they are, 'let's eat out"" By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philospher"-Socrates" A diplomatic husband said to his wife, 'How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older? '" ...

... you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1-These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself," Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up ?" So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2-These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself," That's great, but I wonder what's further up ?" And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3-These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking." Hmmm, better" she says." I wonder what's upstairs ?" The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4-These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework." Wow ...

... Why Dogs Are Better Than Women (Humor-no disrespect to women intended.) Dogs love it when your friends come over. Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo. Dogs think you sing great. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. Dogs don't care if you call them by another dog's name. Dogs enjoy rough play. Dogs love red meat. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair. Anyone can get a good looking dog. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. Dogs don't shop. Dogs like it when you leave a lot of things on the floor. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long. Dogs never need to examine the relationship. A dog's parents never visit ...

... down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean. BATH: This is a process by which humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently. LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command" sit !", especially if your human is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events. BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea. LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, your human will love you in return. [Author Unknown-from Mark Miller] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice:" And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly ?" That motivates us. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. When the printer ...

... too long to explain" MEANS: I have no idea how it works." I'm getting more exercise lately" MEANS: the batteries in the remote are dead." We're going to be late" MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac." Take a break, Doris, you're working too hard" MEANS: I can't hear the football over the vacuum cleaner." That's interesting dear" MEANS: are you still talking?" Love, we don't need material things to prove our love" MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again." You expect too much from me" MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?" It's really a good film" MEANS: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and women." You know how bad my memory is" MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of Only Fools and Horses, the address of the first girl I kissed ...

... and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread. LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command" sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events. LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him or her to go. LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return. SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dogs rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop. SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins ...

... floor with a glance. I cleaned my house yesterday, sure wish you could have seen it. This isn't clutter, these are my antiques! If you don't like my attitude, call: 1-800-Who-Cares. Discover Wildlife! Have Kids!" Genuine Antique Person ," Been there, done that, can't remember! Our policy is to always blame the computer. I'm not aging, I just need re-potting. Take my advice, I'm not using it! Okay! I love you! Now can we eat? You know you are getting old when you stop to think and forget to start again. Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky. I love to give homemade gifts. umm, which one of the kids would you like? I have a million dollar figure-but it's all loose change! By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence ...

... His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Dear Bubba, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad," For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the GUNS !" Love, Bubba At 5 A.M. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire area, without finding any guns. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his ...

... glimpse of how intelligent you are. Reveal the urgency to go for a W-A-L-K. If only our people knew we could spell! About collection... collect as many balls, bones, sticks and toys as you can. If you have the largest collection on the block, it makes you Top Dog. New studies reveal that humans are attracted to the smell of dog breath. Knowing this, take every opportunity to breathe in your persons face. This displays love and affection. When your person has a guest over, you must always sit in between the two people. If you have two people, do not let them sleep next to each other or spend quality time alone... there isn't any need for that when they could be playing ball or fetch! Show signs of frustration when people make irrational demands. People tend to care about petty things, like busy streets, getting dirty, etc. People cannot comprehend the ...

... pastor, for verily, they are two different people. Thou shalt not say to the new pastor: “ But our last preacher did it this way ” Thou shalt not call back the outgoing pastor for funerals and weddings; yea, those are the responsibility of the new minister. Thou shalt not send to the former pastor, nor in any way communicate with (him / her ), matters of gossip or problems. Thou shalt not withhold thine exceeding great capacity of love for the pastor and (her / his) family. Thou shalt love them, as thou hast loved us, and even more abundantly. Thou shalt not prejudge persons and situations for the new pastor. (She / He) will have the ability to judge for (him / her) self in wisdom and in truth. Thou shalt not fail to review the new pastor ’ s salary annually, and increase it as a symbol of love and appreciation. Thou shalt ...

... Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix ** Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Page 11, Anderson ** Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven ** Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany ** Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago ** Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to ...

... Prof. of Philosophy: a" KISS" is persecution for the child, ecstasy for youth, and homage for the old. Prof. of English: a" KISS" is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all. Prof. of Computer Science: What is a" KISS "? It looks to be an undefined variable, whose possible value can equal love. Prof. of Architecture: a" KISS" is a process which builds a solid bond between two dynamic objects. Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for your love is more delightful than wine. The Bible-Solomon's Song of Songs 1: 2 NIV. [Author Unknown-from 'Love Quotes '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... How to Plan a Family Reunion I love family reunions as long as they are happening to someone else's family. To me, the fact that my aunts and cousins and sisters have all chosen to live as far away from one another as possible is not a coincidence, but a warning. Others in my family don't agree, and speak of our last reunion with such fondness that I am pretty sure they must have left before Uncle Lou grabbed the microphone and gave us his penetrating analysis of the state of the American political system, made all the more interesting because of Uncle Lou's a) lifetime service as a notary public, and b) bourbon. I've been monitoring my e-mails lately, tracking the plans to have a" Cameron Family Blow-Out !!!!!", as the subject line reads -I assume the extra exclamation points are there to incite enthusiasm. In case you are thinking of having a reunion of your own, here are the steps you apparently need ...

... , or shake a hand, or listen, I would not have known this person. Yesterday would have turned into today and our chance meeting would be gone. Yesterday I hugged someone very dear to me. Today they are gone. and tomorrow will not bring them back. Wouldn't it be nice if we all knew tomorrow would be here? But this is not to be, so take the time TODAY to give a hug, a smile, an" I love you". JUST FOR TODAY, .smile at a stranger .listen to someone's heart .drop a coin where a child can find it .learn something new, then teach it to someone .tell someone you're thinking of them .hug a loved one .don't hold a grudge .don't be afraid to say" I'm sorry" .look at a child, and tell them how great they are .don't kill that spider in your house, he's just lost so show him the way out .look beyond the face of ...

... Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Midyear Resolutions With the first half of 2008 safely swept into the dustbin of history, it is time to also throw out our New Year ’ s resolutions – those giddy, glamorous goals made when the year was young and we were possibly influenced by too much champagne. It is time to roll out more modest midyear resolutions. The lean and vigorous New Year ’ s baby has now aged into a less lively, middle-aged adult with love handles, and our annual, overly optimistic infant aspirations need to be trimmed accordingly. Speaking of love handles, the whole ridiculous weight-loss resolution absolutely must be on the midyear chopping block. That ’ s the No. 1 pledge on most people ’ s lists, and it simply has to go. So we ’ ll start with that diabolical duo of duties-exercise and eating right-that each of us swears to embrace in January. Who are we kidding? Our ...

... of patience. Patience when a student asks to repeat the directions the teacher has just repeated for someone else. Patience when the kids forget their lunch money for the 4th day in a row. Patience when 1 / 3 of the class fails the test. Patience when the text books haven't arrived yet, and the semester starts tomorrow. And God gave the teacher a heart slightly bigger than the average human heart. For the teacher's heart had to be big enough to love the kid who screams," I hate this class-it's boring !" and to love the kid who runs out of the class at the end of the period without so much as a good bye or a thank you. And lastly, God gave the teacher an abundant supply of hope. For God knew that the teacher would always be hoping. Hoping that the students would one day learn to spell. Hoping not to have lunchroom duty. hoping that Friday would come ...

... Snow Season December 8-6: 00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our tea and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9-We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life. December 12-The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a ...

... The Diary of a Snow Shoveler December 8-6: 00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our tea and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9-We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life. December 12-The sun has melted all our lovely ...

... much ?" WOMAN: "$ 60, 000" MAN:" OK, but for that price make sure you get all the options" WOMAN:" Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950, 000" MAN:" Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900, 000" WOMAN:" OK. I'll see you later! I love you !" MAN:" Bye, I love you, too" The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks:" Anyone know who this 'cell phone ' belongs to ?" [Author Unknown-from 'Jason's EMail ' (jubilate @clearsail.net ), via (bills-punch-line @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... you had to be 18 or older to legally commit a family member. However, the now famous British court case Frazier vs. Frazier and Frazier has cleared the way for minors to commit their parents. In that case, 15-year-old Bradley Frazier of Leicester had his 37-year-old parents committed to an ACF in Bournemouth after a judge ruled Ian and Janet Frazier were a" danger to themselves and the community" According to court records, Bradley told his parents about the" I Love You" virus and warned them not to click on any attachments, then the next day his parents received an" I Love You" email and clicked on the attachment because, they explained," It came from someone we know" WHAT SHOULD I LOOK FOR IN AN ACF? First, make sure it's a genuine Assisted Computing Facility, and not an Assisted Living Facility. To tell the difference, observe the residents. If they look rather old and tend to openly ...

... the plants in this family! And on the 8th day God said, OK Murphy, you take over. Birth, life, death. Repeat as necessary. I disbelieved in reincarnation in my last life, too. Freedom*OF*religion includes freedom*FROM*religion. In a crisis call for Isis! That was Zen. this is Tao. Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about? The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people. The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out. God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. Confession without repentance is just bragging.-Rev. Eugene Bolton Heck is a place ...

... side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old child. Learn the names of every character from Barney, Sesame Street, and Power Rangers. When you find yourself singing," I love you, you love me" at work, now you finally qualify as a parent! [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel. Why can't men just say" I love you ?" Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults. Why do men hate shopping? It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at ...

... people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her-" Hello"" How are you! We've been waiting for you !"" Good to see you" When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him," This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in ?"" You have to spell a word ," Saint Peter told her." Which word ?" the woman asked." Love" The woman correctly spelled" Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived." I'm surprised to see you" the woman said." How have you been ?"" Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died ," her husband told her." ...

... Philosophy of Housecleaning I don't do windows because. I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt. (I am compassionate) I don't wax floors because. I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I'll feel terrible and they may sue me. (I am careful and poor) I don't mind the dust bunnies because. they are very good company. I have named some of them, and they agree with everything I say. (I am imaginative) I don't disturb cobwebs because. I want every creature to have a home of their own and my family loves spiders. (I am kind) I don't Spring Clean because. I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous. (I am fair-minded) I don't plant a garden because. I don't want to get in God's way, He is an excellent designer. (I am courteous) I ...

... August day, I met a handsome, seemingly normal man. We talked about everything under the sun – literature, art, philosophy, our hopes and dreams. But then came September, and I was shocked one Saturday to find this fellow that I ’ d fallen for screaming shirtless in a stadium, his face and body painted crimson for the team. If I was smart, I ’ d have run away as fast as I could. But I was in love, and we all know that love is as blind as, judging by fan reaction, a great number of football referees. So I foolishly married the man, and in time, produced some miniature Madden men of my own. Fast forward to today. I ’ m living in a house absolutely inundated by pigskin passion. We have football bed sheets, football posters on the walls, even football toilet seat covers. On Friday nights, we watch my skinny, high ...

... to talk = I need to complain Sure go ahead = I don't want you to I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me Are you listening to me !? = [Too late, you're dead] [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... appeal of the game – a chaotic mix of men pushing, shoving and bellowing, slobber and obscenities flying. And that's just the fans. But my boy has been hooked from an early age, spending countless hours watching, playing and dreaming about football. He's consumed whole forests of paper drawing intricate plays marked with Xs and Os. And I've grown tearful remembering other Xs and Os my sweet child long ago scribbled on construction-paper cards, right under the words" I Love You, Mommy" I've tried, occasionally, to fight back. Once, I suggested he end a six-hour football fest and read a book. But my son has the same regard for reading that I have for cellulite, and his withering response cut me to the quick." Print is dead, Mom. Nobody reads anymore"" There is no way ," I wailed," no way you came from my loins !" He gave me a blank look." ...

... A Dog's Letters to God Dear God, How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities? Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we dogs sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story? Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle! Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? Dear God, When my foster mom's friend comes over to our house, he smells ...

... so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps. All ...

... but it's on sale. BATHROOMS A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that. is the beginning of a new argument. CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries ...

... College Form Letter Date:_Dear Parent (s ), I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of interest to both of us. Please send me:_Money (Cash) Amount:__ Food (Cookies) Dozens:__ Clean clothes! Relationships:_What?_I am in love with myself._I am in love!_I am engaged._I got married last weekend. My Roommate:_Worships the ground I walk on._Gave me a black eye._Committed suicide and left a note blaming me._Has fleas. My Professors are:_Sadistic water walkers._Mental institution escapees._Brain dead nerds._Super oxygen thieves. Latest News:_I wrecked the car._I can't use your credit card because I exceeded the credit limit._You are going to have a grandchild._False alarm ...

... The End of Good Desserts I guess there's a new diet out called" Eat More, Weigh Less ," which makes me feel something of a trendsetter, since that's what I've been doing for years, only without the weigh-less part. My problem is that I enjoy good food, and it apparently enjoys me, too, since it usually chooses to stick around after I've eaten it, in the form of what I would call" love handles" and other people would call" fat" Being a mature man, I can shrug off these insults, explaining to these other people that it's my body, I make my own choices, and if I'm overweight it is not my fault. My problem is that very often, when I am a guest for dinner, someone will serve dessert, which I feel compelled to eat because I'm a polite person who doesn't want to insult someone by refusing to eat her pie with ice cream and caramel ...

... Arizona May 30th: Just moved to Arizona. Now this is a state that knows how to live !! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here. June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, and drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper. June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here. July 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least its kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected. ...

... The First Mom. The first Jewish President of the United States phones his mother in Queens and invites her to come down for Thanksgiving. She says," I'd love to, but it's too much trouble. I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport and I really hate waiting on Queens Blvd" He replies," Mom! I'm the President! You won't have any need for a cab. I'll send a limousine for you !" His mother replies," I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle. it's just too much trouble" He replies," Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One for you-it's my private jet !" To which she replies," Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry all ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! The Grill General We are now deeply embroiled in the grilling season, and the gentle man who promised to love me for better or for worse has once again morphed into the General Patton of the barbecue set, a tyrant with tongs who must not be questioned. Grilling, after all, is a man ’ s job. As everyone knows, only a Y guy – one of those brave bearers of the Y chromosome also known as men – can possibly tame the open flame. After 20 years of marriage, I ’ ve come to expect this annual transformation. The man who won ’ t touch the stovetop in our kitchen for fear that it might infuse him with estrogen becomes overnight an expert on cooking in the great outdoors, where only testosterone is allowed to roam free. Woe to the woman who tries to tell him how to grill. Even though I know this, I ...

... person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it" Adam asked God," What will a woman like that cost ?" God replied," An arm and a leg" Then Adam asked," What can I get for a rib ?" The rest is history. [Author unknown-from Denial] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... give another driver the finger, unless your car is armored, your trigger finger is itchy and your AK-47 has a full clip. Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air. There are 5, 000 types of snakes and 4, 998 live in Georgia. There are 10, 000 types of spiders. All 10, 000 live in Georgia, plus a couple no one has seen before. Squirrels will eat anything. Unknown critters love to dig holes under tomato plants. Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe. If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites. A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy. People actually grow, eat, and like okra!" Fixinto" is one word. (I'm fixinto go to the) There's no such thing ...

... gifts that were utterly useless to her: a power drill and a pair of bright red thong underwear. When she opened them, she said very little. Feeling a bit guilty, I waited for the inevitable return. Nothing happened. After a few days, unable to stand it any longer, I paid her a visit. She opened the door holding the power drill, and before I could speak, she revved it up for my benefit. “ I just love this !” she yelled over the whirring of the drill. “ I ’ ve been tightening screws all over the house. It makes me feel so secure !” I managed, in my shock, to ask her about the thong. Surely, that would be returned. She smiled shyly. “ I know it ’ s naughty, but I ’ m wearing it now. It makes me feel just like Mammy in her red petticoat in Gone With The Wind ” I didn ...

... history and character. I booked a night at a “ Victorian-era ” inn that described itself as quaint and picturesque. When I told my spouse where we were going, he looked doubtful. “ It ’ s quaint and picturesque ,” I pointed out. “ That means old and broken-down ,” he retorted, then added disparagingly. “ They probably don ’ t even have ESPN ” Wondering if I could possibly get that lucky, I was eager to arrive at our lacy love nest. When we pulled up to the house on a sleepy side street, my man expressed even greater doubts. “ It looks just like my grandmother ’ s old place. Are you sure you wouldn ’ t rather get a hotel room ?” Not on your life, you unromantic schlub, I was thinking. But I just shook my head as a smiling woman showed us up two creaky flights of stairs to our room at the top of the house. Room is ...

... room. A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed. A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying for her driver's license. A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music-loud and very loud. An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired to dry the dishes. A young woman who loves the cat and barely tolerates her brother. A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week. A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off. A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday-he suspects the lawn needs mowing. An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say," I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive" If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that" THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes" Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say," Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident ...

... Baby Talk What your baby would tell you if he or she could talk: I have my blankie, you have your caffeine. Enough said. Don't be jealous, but I think I'm in love with the ceiling fan. I know where the remote control is, but it'll cost you. To you, it's just an empty egg carton; to me it's PlayStation 2. Actually, I don't mind sitting in a bathtub that I've peed in. Bang a screwdriver slowly and steadily into your gums. That's what teething feels like. Two words I'd rather not hear from you: rectal thermometer. There's no point in teaching me to say" mama" or" dada" My first word is going to be" hat" I've told you five times what cow says. If you can't remember, I'm not telling you again. There is no question that I can cry longer than you can listen. I'm not just wildly throwing my ...

... Church if. when the pastor says," I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering ," five guys and two women stand up. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if. opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if. a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because" It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it !) You Know You're in a Redneck Church if. the choir is known as the" OK Chorale". You Know You're in a Redneck Church if. in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if. people think" rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if. the baptismal pool is a #2 ...

... This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow and mosquito season. GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can arrange to have Friskies Fish'N Glop on your breath so much the better. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trousers, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white-furred cats should go to black wool clothing. For the guest who claims," I love kitties ," be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle. When walking among dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey," But you allow me on the table when company isn't here". Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. WORK: If one of your humans is sewing or ...

... the first eight seconds of a phone conversation, it is possible for children to go into the refrigerator, stuff an entire box of raisins up their nose, eat all of the expensive cheese, and hog-tie the cat with the jumprope. Trying to dress a toddler in a hurry is more difficult than stuffing a giant octopus into a loose mesh bag. On Giving: It's possible to make a gift out of a shoebox, scotchtape, and aluminum foil. Grandparents will love a gift made out of a shoebox, scotch tape, and aluminum foil. Any toy that requires assembly will never look like the picture on the box. Any toy that requires assembly will never be as fun to play with as the box. Food: Red Popsicles and yellow Kool-Aid will make an orange stain on white silk blouse. Nothing will get peanut butter out of the VCR. Be suspicious of any food that comes in blue. Organization: No matter how many ...

... aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand sewn play animals for underprivileged children. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say," I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive" If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that" THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes" Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say," Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident ...

... very special genius of your conversation as the dog does"-Christopher Morley" A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself"-Josh Billings" Man is a dog's idea of what God should be"-Holbrook Jackson" The average dog is a nicer person than the average person"-Andrew A. Rooney" He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion"-Unknown" If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man"-Mark Twain" Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane"-Smiley Blanton" I've seen ...

... dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy. CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coërce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different. OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance:" High ," and" Ultra High" Your daughter is" Ultra High" This means that ...

... took the obvious course of action. I called my husband. In China. And I woke him up. How was I supposed to remember the time difference when I had the body of a once-cute cottontail on my mind? “ There ’ s a dead rabbit on the patio ,” I told him breathlessly, “ and Eb has already eaten its head !” There was a long pause. Finally, in an incredulous and, I thought, unnecessarily hostile tone, the love of my life responded, “ You called me in China to tell me this? In the middle of the night? In CHINA ?!” Over the years, I ’ ve perfected a series of guilt-inducing sighs. Women are very good at the delivery of sighs, each expertly crafted to elicit a certain emotion. Feeling the time was right, I let out one of my best. But for some reason – probably due to the long distance it had to travel – the ...

... programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows. And God said-It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User-Did God really tell you not to run any programs? And the User answered-God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we ...

... it was the folks in Heaven who made me sputter and gasp-the thieves, the liars, the sinners, the alcoholics, the trash. There stood the kid from seventh grade who swiped my lunch money twice. Next to him was my old neighbor who never said anything nice. Herb, who I always thought was rotting away in hell, was sitting pretty on cloud nine, looking incredibly well. I nudged Jesus," What's the deal? I would love to hear Your take. How'd all these sinners get up here? God must've made a mistake. And why's everyone so quiet, so somber? Give me a clue"" Hush child ," said He" They're all in shock. No one thought they'd see you" [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies ' (andychaps_the-funnies @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... of the" tradition" of kissing under the mistletoe, let me provide a tiny bit of history. The history of kissing under the mistletoe means going back to ancient Scandinavia-to custom and the Norse myths:" It was also the plant of peace in Scandinavian antiquity. If enemies met by chance beneath it in a forest, they laid down their arms and maintained a truce until the next day" This ancient Scandinavian custom led to mistletoe being a symbol of love, peace and goodwill. It may be that this embrace of goodwill among enemies eventually led to the traditional kiss under the mistletoe. Some cultures say that if a man kisses a woman while she is standing under mistletoe, it is a proposal of marriage! Most cultures around the world however, now just view a person standing under mistletoe as being available for a kiss! [Author Unknown-Thomas S. Ellsworth (tellswor @slonet.org)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights ...

... forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but I really want to know what time it is. Why won't you answer me ?" The old Jew says," Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must invite you to my home. You're handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you'll want to get married. And tell me, why would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch ?" [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... womanhood. It's either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned" buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily, and bite the head off anything that moves. Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake, Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks? I love being a woman (call me crazy) but" Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi more spiteful !!! And they say women are the" weaker sex" HA! [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the_funnnies ' (andychaps_the-funnies-owner @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... That devil's bin a-temptin ' me Long as I bin alive, But I don't stop ta pick him up He always wants ta*drive *! Hey, I ain't got no mind ta cozy-up In Luxury's lap, I'd gladly gnaw my best arm off Ta keep me from that trap. That rich man 'n ' the camel's eye Strainin ' ta swaller a gnat, Old hags know more'n princesses~Yew kin*quote*me on that. Ain't had no luck with Love, folks Bin burnt until I smell, I shoulda read that ole church sign:" No Fire Exits in Hell !". 'N ' when God comes ta beam me up I pray I'm not too fat, When my time comes, I'm OUTTA here~Yew kin*quote*me on that. [by: Connie Hinnen Cook (cjcook @mynewroads.com)-from Connie Hinnen Cook] Inspirational Poems SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Your Daily Dose of Inspiration. I can please only one person per day-today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking too good either. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain the way whales look? Am I getting smart with you? .How would you know? I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. Today my Reality Check bounced. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. I have not yet begun to procrastinate. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know. I'd ...

... walleye and drinking beer. The Devil is astonished," Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourself" The two Michiganders reply," Vell, ya know, we don't get too much varm weather up dere in da UP, we've just got to have a fish fry when the veather's this nice" The Devil is absolutely furious; he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The Devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The Devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Michiganders. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up ...

... unlike Phil, this plan just might work. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... working too hard" Really means:" I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner"" That's interesting, dear" Really means:" Are you still talking ?"" Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing" Really means:" And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon"" I can't find it" Really means:" It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless"" You know I could never love anyone else" Really means:" I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse"" You look terrific" Really means:" Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving"" I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are" Really means:" No one will ever see us alive again" [Author Unknown-from 'Pastor Tim ' (posts @cybersaltlists.org)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... An Ounce Of Prevention Eggs'll give you fatty heart. Beef'll plug your veins. Booze'll make your liver hard. 'N give you kidney pains. Pop'll make our teeth rot out. Same with sweets and gum. Chocolate'll give you pimples which makes your love life glum. Coffee'll make you nervous. Beans'll give you gas. Pot'll curdle up your genes Or cook your pancreas. Snoose'll rot you lower lip Or make your teeth fall out. Drink some beer? Eat rich food? You're sure to get the gout. Smokes'll cause lung cancer. Cheese'll constipate. But prunes'll make you scour some And make your tum gyrate. Saccharin'll give you tumors. Cyclamates'll too Red dye'll stain your innards And give you Green Gomboo. Salt'll boost blood pressure up. Pepper makes you sneeze. Florides freckle up your teeth, And knobby-up your knees Pork'll give trichinosis Which makes your muscles balk. Rabbit'll" tootleream" you Or cause your jaws to lock. So ...

... what to do! So if you really want a truly harmonious life, better watch what you say, to that woman who's your wife! But if you ARE a wife, and you have a good man. You better talk to him, just as nice as you can! Or he'll compress HIS mouth! Like he's cleaning a spoon! Next thing you know, HE will look like a prune! It's best you share a life, full of laughter and love, until we get home to Heaven above! Because if you're not careful, to always laugh through the ouches, you will both wind up just a couple of grouches! [by Dot Wilson-from 'Themestream '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... ," How does it work ?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks," How much will it cost ?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks," Do you want fries with that ?" Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.-Dave Barry I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.-A. Whitney Brown A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.-William James Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway.-Andrew Tannenbaum We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it-and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. ...

... look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. [Author Unknown-from 'LAB Laughs ' (LABLaughsClean @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... family is leaving on a ski trip and there is much packing to do. I've hired a house-keeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to the computer room just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer have a lovely time while we are gone. Kevin, Nikki and I think of you often. Try to remember us while your hard-disk is booting. Love, Andy [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... to heaven" My three-year-old granddaughter, Morgan, came over one day and looked around the room and asked," Where's Grandpa ?" I answered," He's in heaven" Surprised, she looked at me and said," Still ?" I know what heaven is like, because I was there. God makes people when He thinks of them, and then they wait to be born. Our six-year-old, Rachel, prayed," God, they keep telling us You love us kids. But I'm wondering: If You know my older brother, do You think he'll ever get to heaven ?" Grandma's gone to heaven, and she'll be happy there, because there's a Dairy Queen (A Tesas Stop Sign, That Is) everywhere. Right? When Jenny was four, she asked," Does heaven have a floor ?" Surprised, I said," Well, Jenny, what do you think heaven is like ?" She looked up at the ...

... I beg upon my dimpled knees, deliver me from jujube's. And when my days of trial are done, and my war with malted milk is won, Let me stand with Heavenly throng, In a shining robe-size 30 long. I can do it Lord, if you'll show to me, the virtues of lettuce and celery. Teach me the evil of mayonnaise, And of pasta a la Milanese and crisp-fried chicken from the South. Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth. [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments ' (TheBible @USA.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4: 30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the lamb chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said," Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back" The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied," My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back ...

... Without one fault or smear, For goodness sake! Don't join that church; You'd spoil the atmosphere. If you should find the perfect church Where all anxieties cease Then pass it by, lest joining it You'd mar the masterpiece. If you should find the perfect church Then don't you ever dare, To tread upon such holy ground; You'd be a misfit there. But since no perfect church exists Made of imperfect men, Then let's cease looking for that church And love the church we're in. Of course, it's not a perfect church, That's simple to discern But you and I and all of us Could cause the tide to turn. What fools we are to flee our post In that unfruitful search To find at last where problems loom God proudly builds His church. So let's keep working in our church Until the resurrection. And then we each will join that church Without an imperfection. [Mavis Williams-from Aiken Drum] Inspirational ...

... got up this morning I brewed regular coffee, even though I usually drink an entire pot of decaf. My body, deprived of its usual dose of bad fat, began craving Aunt Liddy's bacon-and-cheese sauce on toast. But I didn't care. I wasn't hungry, I was full of energy! I drank more coffee and took a shower, singing several songs that I made up on the spot, like" Uh-Oh, There's No Soap" and" Showerhead, I Love Thee" I'm actually a talented songwriter! Then I put in a call to the White House, outlining my plan for how to keep America on the right track this century, which basically was" Put Bruce Cameron in Charge of Everything" I didn't actually reach the President but the person who answered must have been taking notes on what I said because she kept begging me to slow down. Eventually she asked me if there was another language in which I would feel more ...

... " At 13 months, he was a sponge, joyfully soaking up new words, becoming more communicative every day. At 13 years, the hormones surging through his body have cut a swath through the speech center in his brain; his mouth, when it speaks at all, produces mere shrunken shreds of complete sentences apparently understood only by other members of his species." S'up" is a perfectly acceptable, all-purpose phrase in an adolescent's world." Mom, I love you ," on the other hand, would burn his monosyllabic lips like acid and permanently corrupt his coolness. Communication with this high-tech yet illiterate generation is fraught with frustration. My son, who can't seem to utter two intelligible sentences to me, airs his gripes through text messaging. Just the other day, a message flashed on my cell phone in fractured syntax designed to torture my English-major soul." i no u h8 me. i try so hard 2 b good. ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! E-nnoyed By Emoticons As an English major and therefore (according to my teenage son) a certified weenie, I have a thing for punctuation. Commas make me jump with joy. Periods and parentheses provide pure pleasure. I can wax ecstatic over an exclamation mark. Semicolons, if inserted sensibly, are beautiful things to behold, while their cousins — the comely colons — leave me more in love than ever with language. (I heard that. You just called me a weenie) That's why my knickers have long been in a knot over a serious threat to the purity of punctuation. It is the insidious infection known as" emoticons ” If you've spent any time at all on a computer, you've no doubt seen them polluting e-mail and Web sites. Poor little punctuation marks — the workhorses of the written word — are being improperly pressed into service to convey emotion online. By combining ...

... If Guys Ruled The World Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to" I love you" Hallmark would make" Sorry, what was your name again ?" cards. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town. Tanks would be far easier to rent. ...

... thought would be a quick quest for a trendy, yet timeless LBD. I started, naturally, with the size that I know fits me, the size that has fit me for years. But for some reason, the dresses in my size failed to flatter my figure. In fact, each terribly tight toga refused to go much past my knees! I was astounded, and then annoyed, as my size-zero, soon-to-be-disowned daughter snickered and rather cruelly implied that my love for a certain Italian dessert could have contributed to my size shrinkage problem: (“ Oh, tiramisu ,” she said mockingly, “ how could you ?”) My mom, trying to be helpful, began bringing me LBDs in larger sizes. I refused to try them on. “ That ’ s my size and I ’ m sticking to it !” I said heatedly, pointing to one of the discarded dresses. A warm flush of embarrassment began to spread over my face and threatened ...

... up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine. Love, Johnny P. S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot? [Author Unknown-from 'JokeBank '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Life in Hypochandria I am one of those people for whom the mention of a disease is the same as a diagnosis. This is particularly true when those public service messages come on the radio, listing the 14 signs of edema -invariably, I have all 14 symptoms. Like this: Public Service Announcer:" Do you have skull apathy? Skull apathy afflicts one out of ten men who were present during atomic bomb tests and then later fell into the Love Canal. Listen closely to these symptoms:" Has there recently been an obvious change in a wart or mole, such as pulsating colors or bird whistles ?" (Ohmygosh, yes! I have a mole I've been calling Bullwinkle, because that is sort of who it looks like, and lately he seems to have developed a funny bend in one of his legs)" Do you sometimes believe you can see Al Gore talking without moving his lips ?" (Yes !)" Do you ...

... was driving and Willie and Joe was in the back. Billy Bob got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they couldn't get the tailgate down. Your Uncle John fell in a whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off before he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Not much more news this time. Nothin ' much happened. Write more often. Love, Mom P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed. [By Philip Thompson-from Twisted Straw] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... . After all the clerk has to be polite-but you don't have to. When the store is not busy and there is only one check-stand with a light on, be sure to ask the nearest clerk which check stand is open. You don't want to take a chance being tricked into the wrong one. If the clerk asks you if you know the price of an item and you don't, tell him it's" 2-something" or" 3-something" The clerks love that because they don't get to use their SOMETHING keys very often. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Facts Of Life Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content. Home is where you can say anything you like, 'cause nobody listens to you anyway. I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here." I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess ' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?" It is when you stop believing in Santa Claus that you start getting clothes for Christmas! Sign In Pet Store:" Buy one dog, regular price, get one flea" Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. I don't have a big ego. I'm way too cool for that. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal? I see your IQ test results were negative. Regular naps prevent old age especially if ...

... how, just the other day, she had to pay $400 to bail him out of jail after he refused to sign a ticket given to him by a highway patrolman. Joe ’ s simple explanation: “ I didn ’ t do what he said I did ” That set off a merry round of Joe-centered Remember Whens – fueled by another round of adult beverages – in which my crazy cousin denied doing what we all knew he ’ d done. You gotta love Joe. At this point, many reunions degenerate into the third phase – church-state squabbling. True to form, my family began discussing religion and politics, and things got heated. First names of presidential candidates were tossed around as weapons-Hillary-Hater and Rudy-Retard, among others – and then someone brought the Good Lord into it. “ I ’ ll pray for you ,” said one on the right side of the political spectrum to one on the left. “ You need all ...

... Golden Rules For Ensemble Playing Everyone should play the same piece. Stop at every repeat sign, and discuss in detail whether to take the repeat. The audience will love this a lot! If you play a wrong note, give a nasty look to one of your partners. Keep your fingering chart handy. You can always catch up with the others. Carefully tune your instrument before playing. That way you can play out of tune all night with a clear conscience. Take your time turning pages. The right note at the wrong time is a wrong note (and vice versa). If everyone gets lost except you, follow those who get lost. Strive to get the maximum NPS (notes per second). That way you gain the admiration of the incompetent. Markings for slurs, dynamics and ornaments should not be observed. They are only there to embellish the score. If a passage is difficult, slow down. If ...

... I wouldn't use one of those !" she said, as God came toward her with a let-go lever." Sure you will, though it's hard. This is a vital piece of equipment. Until this little lever is released, your children will not have room to grow properly, make their own decisions, or develop their own personalities"" I guess that is important" God stood back a few steps to appraise His work, then reached for a coat of love and wrapped it around her." Wear this at all times, and you'll be a good mother"" Am I ready now, God, to get on with the mothering bit ?"" You can go now ," God said gently." You're not perfect, but you will do" [Author Unknown-from mikeys-funnies-owner @youthspecialties.com] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... A family tree can wither if nobody tends it's roots. A new cousin a day keeps the boredom away. After 30 days unclaimed ancestors will be adopted. Am I the only person up my tree. sure seems like it. Any family tree produces some lemons, some nuts, and a few bad apples. Ever find an ancestor HANGING from the family tree? FLOOR: The place for storing your priceless genealogy records. Gene-Allergy: It's a contagious disease but I love it. Genealogists are time unravelers. Genealogy is like playing hide and seek: They hide. I seek! Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people." Crazy" is a relative term in my family. A pack rat is hard to live with but makes a fine ancestor. I want to find ALL of them! So far I only have a few thousand. I Should have asked them BEFORE they died! I think my ancestors had several" Bad heir ...

... the same time you are sharing a house with people who think they will live forever-people (and I use the word loosely) otherwise known as teenagers-Mother Nature begins to impress upon you the realization that you might not even make it into next week. Ma Nature, being a crotchety old lady with creaking joints, decides that your middle-aged self no longer has any business thinking like a jaunty juvenile. So, using forces like gravity and assisted by your love of things like gravy, she smites you with self-doubt. You suddenly notice that even your knees have wrinkles, that your tummy seems terminally tubby and, if you ’ re a woman, that your thighs seem to be swimming in cellulite. And as bad as your body looks on the outside, you begin to worry even more about what ’ s going on among your rapidly aging innards. Fortunately, you have plenty of reliable medical research to validate all your worries. ...

... with too much power and ravens who even today rule the roost on the Tower grounds. Our mouths fell open with wonder as we checked out the crown jewels and marveled at the majesty. A colorfully dressed Yeoman Guard at the tower, popularly known as a Beefeater, cheerfully reminded the uncouth Americans in the crowd that if we ’ d simply paid our taxes, all the culture and history at which we were agog would still be ours. You ’ ve got to love the British. We also paid a call to that most iconic of English institutions – the pub. The English spend a great deal of time drinking very dark, very strong beer in pubs with names that start with Ye. This explains their legendary jolliness and also explains why they haven ’ t gotten around to correcting their driving or spelling systems. But maybe we just need to give them some more time. Rome, after all, wasn ’ t built in a day ...

... Flight Safety Wouldn't you love to have this attendant on your next flight? Thanks to a retired Delta Captain for sending this" paraphrase" of a memorable safety PA (public announcement) from their Flight Attendants. In his own words." I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like" what the heck ?" (Getting Seattle people to look at each other is an accomplishment) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it" *** BEFORE TAKEOFF *** Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening. We'd like to ...

... you are not a resident of FLORIDA or never have lived in hot, humid south Florida, you may not understand the weight of this blessing! Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry. Please keep it cool in mid-July. Bless the walls where termites dine While ants and roaches march in time. Bless our yard where spiders pass Fire ant castles in the grass. Bless the garage, a home to please Carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas. Bless the love bugs, two by two, The gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you. Millions of creatures that fly or crawl, In FLORIDA, Lord, you've put them all! But this is home, and here we'll stay, So thank you Lord, for insect spray. HOLD ON. there's more. YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN FLORIDA IN JULY WHEN.... The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. The trees are whistling for the ...

... parts of heaven"" You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment"" Is there anything which your holiness desires ?"" Well yes ," the Pope replied," I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages, are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old ?"" I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time" Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God. Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels game running to the Pope's side to learn the cause of his dismay. There they found the ...

... MOTHERS Real mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it. Real mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox. Real mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens, and happy kids. Real mothers know that dried playdough doesn't come out of shag carpet. Real mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up. Real mothers sometimes ask" why me ?" and get their answer when a little voice says," because I love you best" Real mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade. it is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom. IMAGES OF MOTHER 4 years of age: -My mommy can do anything! 8 years of age: -My mom knows a lot! A whole lot! 12 years of age: -My mother doesn't really know quite everything. 14 years of age: -Naturally, mother doesn't know that, either. 16 ...

... Low Stress Golf A golfer went to see his doctor. He was suffering from major stress syndrome. The doctor asked him if he played golf, to which the golfer replied" I play at it, it's a very frustrating game, but I love it" The doctor told him that the next time he played, he should use an imaginary ball. The golfer was a little embarrassed, but he decided to give it a try. So he went out on a week day so his normal golfing buddies wouldn't see him, and proceeded to tee up an imaginary ball. Lo and behold, he birdied the first hole! He was playing the best game he had ever played, with birdie or eagle on every hole, as he approached the 9th green. Another single gentleman had been playing ahead of him and watching this game with much curiosity. The second golfer waited before he teed off on the 10th hole and asked the first ...

... space can totally move you to tears. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the USA. Unlike back home, the guy at 8: 30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. You can't remember. is pot illegal? It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station:" STORM WATCH" (I love this one !!) You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. HEY !!!! Is pot illegal ???? Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons. The Terminator is your governor. If you drive illegally, they take away your driver's license. If you're in the USA illegally, ...

... once again singing the song. “ On top of spaghetti ,” I warbled, “ all covered with cheese …” The baby stopped crying and looked at me in amazement. My own kids covered their ears as if in pain. “ Mom !” they protested. “ What are you doing ?” “ Don ’ t you remember me singing this song with you ?” I asked them, crestfallen that they didn ’ t seem to recall those happy days. “ You used to love it ” My daughter tossed her head in disgust, the way only a teenage girl can. “ There is absolutely no way ,” she said, “ that I ever liked a song as stupid as that ” Saucy kid. I may have to go sneeze in her spaghetti.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream ...

... Child's Cowboy Boots The Cowboy Boots: (Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this) Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help, and she quickly found out why he needed it. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said," Teacher, they're on the wrong feet" She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced," These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue, rather than scream at ...

... want. If we learn from our mistakes, I'm getting a fantastic education. His ignorance was encyclopedic. Don't hesitate to give out advice-it passes time, and nobody will notice it anyhow. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. There is nothing as permanent as a temporary worker. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done. (Consultant's creed) No one is funnier than people who take themselves too seriously. Love your enemies in case your business acquaintances turn out to be a bunch of bastards. I've made so many lateral moves in my company, I'm beside myself. There are moments when everything goes well-don't be frightened, it won't last. They always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, 'Just wait ' My cup's been run over. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Plumber's Pants The plumbers are finally taking their pants back, and I couldn't be happier. It seems the fashion world is raising its standards just a tad, moving away from low-rise jeans, the cause of countless sightings of" muffin tops" (that very attractive fat that bulges over the waistline ), girl love handles and whale tails (also known as thongs). I know this because I am an avid follower of fashion. (NOT !) Actually, I follow fashion about as often as a politician tells the truth. But every once in a while, I am seized by a desire to look slightly less frumpy. Usually, I just lie down and wait for this unfortunate urge to pass. But occasionally, I go to the mall and buy something stylish. That's what happened last fall, and dozens of football fans are still in therapy trying to get over the sight. ...

... *Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.*Karen's beautiful solo:" It is Well with my Solo"*Congratulations to Tim and Rhonda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17.*If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.*We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.*Hymn:" I Love Thee My Ford"*Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer.*Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.*Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.*The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral.*The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church board.*As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a ...

... would be a woman. God said," This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed" Adam asked God," What will a woman like that cost ?" God said," An arm and a leg" Adam said," What can I get for just a rib ?" The rest is history. [Unknown-From: Dukend @aol.com] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... did you get that black eye? How did you get those bruises on your arms? And what about that cut over your other eye? Did you have some kind of accident ?" I said, interrupting his story." It all happened Sunday morning, when we were seated at the table with Liz and Kevin and a young couple on their honeymoon. We were all enjoying having a nice breakfast together." The young honeymoon couple were looking at each other with love in their eyes, when the new husband turned to his bride and asks: 'Would you please pass the sugar, sugar?. We all smiled and Suzie had that look on her face, you know the, 'isn't that romantic ' look women get? Then Kevin said to Liz 'please pass the honey, honey ' Suzie gave a big sigh and smiled as she looked at me. Then the last thing I remember before waking up in the emergency room was turning to ...

... get got. The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every mornin. Always drink upstream from the herd. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. Lettin ' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin ' it back in. If you get to thinkin ' you're a person of some influence, try orderin ' somebody else's dog around. Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God. [Author Unkn