... God Didn't Make Perfect Mothers" May I go now ?" the almost completed, eager mother asked." Not yet. There are essential parts and finishing touches to be added ," her Maker replied." I look pretty good to me ," she said, peering into the crystal pool at her feet." ... God Didn't Make Perfect Mothers" May I go now ?" the almost completed, eager mother asked." Not yet. There are essential parts and finishing touches to be added ," her Maker replied." I look pretty good to me ," she said, peering into the crystal pool at her feet." ... , God, besides wash, feed, and clothe little bodies ?" God only smiled and continued working." What are you doing now ?" the curious mother-to-be questioned." Tightening your anger valve. If this doesn't work, everyone is in trouble" She watched as He reached for the container marked patience." ...

... that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade. it is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom. IMAGES OF MOTHER 4 years of age: -My mommy can do anything! 8 years of age: -My mom knows a lot! A whole lot! 12 years of age ... About Mothers & Images of Mothers ABOUT MOTHERS Real mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it. Real mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox. Real mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens, and happy kids. Real mothers know that dried playdough doesn't come out of ... you best" Real mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade. it is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom. IMAGES OF MOTHER 4 years of age: -My mommy can do anything! 8 years of age: -My mom knows a lot! A whole ...

... possible to take a knot out of wet shoelaces with your teeth. You don't need to figure out how to work the sewing machine to be a good mother. Girl Scout patches can be attached with a hot glue gun and stapler. Any machine that makes homemade bread or sews makes a good car jack. Time ... A Mother's Wisdom After I had children I realized there was a lot of information left out of the first time parenting manuals. Although most of them mention what to expect when you're expecting, or give advice on what to do during childbirth, none of them mention what you're really in for during the next eighteen ... . So, for what it's worth, here is a collection of household tips, motherly wisdom, and observations I have acquired. Houshold tips: It is possible to make a bottle, change a diaper, and wind the automatic swing without remembering your full name or the day of the week. It is possible ...

... Laugh Consumed by my loss, I didn't notice the hardness of the pew I sitting on. I was at the funeral of my dearest friend-my mother. She finally had lost her long battle with cancer. The hurt was so intense, I found it hard to breathe at times. Always supportive, Mother ... tissues while listening to my first heartbreak, comforted me at my father's death, encouraged me in college, and prayed for me my entire life. When Mother's illness was diagnosed, my sister had a new baby and my brother had recently married his childhood sweetheart, so it fell on me, the 27-year-old middle child ... Mom's Last Laugh Consumed by my loss, I didn't notice the hardness of the pew I sitting on. I was at the funeral of my dearest friend-my mother. She finally had lost her long battle with cancer. The hurt was so intense, I found it hard to breathe at times. Always ...

... did God make mothers? He made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom? God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me. What kind of little girl was your Mom? ... Mother's Day Special The following answers were given by young children to these questions: Why did God make mothers? Think about it, it was the best way to get more people. How did God make mothers? He made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. ... Mother's Day Special The following answers were given by young children to these questions: Why did God make mothers? Think about it, it was the best way to get more people. How did God make mothers? He made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. ...

... my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late ... crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says," Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way ... Mom's Letter to Santa Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how ...

... the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and / or doll clothing PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops. OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals. OPEN: The position ... Mom's Dictionary AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr -old to eat strained beets. ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself. APPLE: Nutritious lunch-time dessert which children will trade for cupcakes. BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42. BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom ...

... this particular four-year-old prayed:" And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets" ~~~~~~~ During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and after church, asked:" Gary, whatever made you do such a thing ?" Gary answered soberly:" I asked God to teach me to whistle. And He just then did ... God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said," I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight" ~~~~~~ A little boy's prayer." Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess" ~~~~~~~ A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy ...

... been your friends and companions since you were two years old, suddenly become" thingies" when you are under pressure? You may be suffering from deficient noun disease. Deficient noun disease, or DND, is a common affliction among mothers of small children (older children too). While not a dangerous illness, DND is an exasperating and frustrating one which increases in severity in direct proportion to the number of children in the household. Common symptoms of DND include the following ... simply reach the lifetime limit earlier because they must repeat themselves so often. Other scientists hold up the two-year old child as proof positive that the repetition of a word more than 100, 000 times (in this case, the word Mommy) does not cause selective noun amnesia. Although modern science may never be able to cure DND or discover what exactly causes it, we as mothers and fellow sufferers can still help one another to recognize the illness and learn to live in ...

... Johnny stood up. The teacher said," Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny ?"" No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself !"-Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face." Why do you do that, mommy ?" he asked." To make myself beautiful ," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue." What's the matter ?" asked ... Johnny." Giving up ?"-The math teacher saw that Little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said," Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44 ?" Little Johnny quickly replied," NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network !"-At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how ...

... can talk to my son ," she snarled. Well, good, someone who would understand what was going on." Hello ?"" Hi, I"" Look here, buddy, you've got a lot of nerve harassing my mother"" Sorry ?"" I ought to come over there and punch you in the nose, you pervert"" Pervert !"" You better apologize or you'll be saying you're sorry"" I. What? Look, in the first ... heard of anyone so stupid. You're dumber than a, like -what are those animals that stand there eating grass ?"" Cows ?"" No, not cows, you idiot! I know what a cow is"" Well your mother's no genius either; she said her number was unlisted, as if"" No one calls my mother stupid! I'm on my way over, buddy. What's your address ?"" Ha !" I barked, slamming down the receiver. ...

... after they eat it." Kitty box crunchies" are not food. I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not wake Mommy by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am ... . When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV. I will not steal Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps. My head does not belong in the refrigerator, dishwasher or trashcan. I will not bite the officer's hand ...

... that everyone at the dinner will get over their embarrassment at the dreadful faux pas and look upon our hosts with tolerant repugnance) My love affair with sweets started when I was a child, but not in my mother's kitchen. My mother didn't like to bake and to prove it would make us her chocolate chip cookies: heavy, flat disks with all the succulence of kiln-fired clay. My mother's cookies were very popular with my friends because they never lost their texture even after ... horrible person" so that everyone at the dinner will get over their embarrassment at the dreadful faux pas and look upon our hosts with tolerant repugnance) My love affair with sweets started when I was a child, but not in my mother's kitchen. My mother didn't like to bake and to prove it would make us her chocolate chip cookies: heavy, flat disks with all the succulence of kiln-fired clay. My mother's cookies were very popular with my friends because they never lost ...

... Rules may be added or modified at Any time by Mom. I, (sign your name ), agree to abide by the above rules, as I actually have No choice in the matter and do not wish to further anger my mother. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ... Mom's Laundry Rules Mom's Laundry Rules... Pajamas~Do not put pajamas in the dirty clothes after only one wear. It is Scientific fact that you do not get dirty while sleep. Pajamas can be worn Many times before they smell bad enough to warrant being thrown in the Dirty clothes. Exception: You may put pajamas in the dirty clothes if you Throw up on them or something else that may be deemed disgusting, but only If they stink. Socks ...

... Only a Mother Only a Mother... Can listen to the same knock-knock joke 27 times without hollering" Nobody's Home" Will be a Scrabble partner with a kid who thinks" cookie" begins with" k" Will unwind 56 feet of toilet paper so her little darling can have the empty roll. to make a Mother's Day present. Knows the location of every drive-through window in town. Knows the exact temperature a crayon will melt on the dashboard. Will ... to hide a leafy green vegetable in a cookie. Knows the secret to happy grocery shopping with a toddler .visit the bakery aisle first and plug his lips with a big cream horn. Can cherish the 1, 000th bleating of" Twinkle, Twinkle" from a budding violinist. Will show up at work wearing Mickey Mouse stickers on her posterior. Sees a Picasso in those scribbles decorating the fridge. Knows all the verses to" This Old Man" Can deal out emergency ...

... being used ?"" They were being used for the wake, sir"" The wake ?!? Whose wake? For pity's sake"" Actually, your mother's, sir. She passed away quite suddenly"" Oh my Lord. Mother is dead. The house is gone, along with the stable. Even my dog is dead. What did Mother die of ?"" It must have been the shock, sir"" The shock"" Yes, sir, the ... candle? Wait a moment-did the power go off? Why were candles being used ?"" They were being used for the wake, sir"" The wake ?!? Whose wake? For pity's sake"" Actually, your mother's, sir. She passed away quite suddenly"" Oh my Lord. Mother is dead. The house is gone, along with the stable. Even my dog is dead. What did Mother die of ?"" It must have been ...

... the thought of his wife even more. You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes. You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's mother. You use your own saliva to clean your child's face. You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back the second time. You can't bear ... give away baby clothes -it's so final. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say," Not in your good clothes !" You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you. You read that the average five-year-old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is above average. You say at least once a day, I'm not cut out for this job, but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. [ ...

... night I ask the stars up above Why must I be a teenager in love?-Dion And The Belmonts My teenage son is in love for the first time, and his puppy love is taking a big bite out of his mother ’ s psyche. I know his heart will go on, but I ’ m not sure mine can stand the strain. You forget how ferocious those early crushes can be. Today ’ s teens don ’ t get the chance to ... my son ’ s angst-ridden expression was just a bad case of indigestion. By the time a cute little snippet of a girl appeared at my door swinging a blond ponytail and wielding a metaphorical woman ’ s weapon-feared by all mothers of sons – capable of separating me from my baby, it was too late. He was smitten. I used to think girls were far more affected by these things than boys. I was wrong. My son, the child who ...

... " Erma Bombeck By some strange twist of fate, I've brought forth a football fanatic. My son is one of those addled creatures whose very DNA, I'm convinced, has a pigskin membrane. Unfortunately for him, he has a mother who wouldn't know a touchdown from a hoedown. For the life of me, I can't understand the appeal of the game – a chaotic mix of men pushing, shoving and bellowing, slobber and obscenities flying. And that's just the fans ... . He's consumed whole forests of paper drawing intricate plays marked with Xs and Os. And I've grown tearful remembering other Xs and Os my sweet child long ago scribbled on construction-paper cards, right under the words" I Love You, Mommy" I've tried, occasionally, to fight back. Once, I suggested he end a six-hour football fest and read a book. But my son has the same regard for reading that I have for cellulite, and his withering response cut ...

... Mothers Job Description POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work, in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required-including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. ... Mothers Job Description POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work, in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required-including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. ...

... You are so selfish !"" That's my lipstick !"" Yeah? Well, whose belt is that ?"" It's MY belt !"" So ?" My son was having a clothing crisis of his own, having been informed by his mother that he would have to find something not encrusted with food, dirt, or debris. His suggestion that he could just wear a T-shirt inside-out sounded reasonable to me, but was vetoed by the head of the Family Picture Committee." ... his adversarial relationship with gravity, he wound up crashing into a muddy hole, filthy water soaking every surface. Grinning, he gave me a thumbs up." Did you see that awesome fall ?" he called. I pictured his mother's reaction when she saw what he had done to his last clean pants, and sighed. Maybe by the time the photographer got here, the only thing left to take a picture of would be our chalk outlines on the floor. [ ...

... a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said," Could I get you your check ?" and we answered," How about the menu first ?" When your mother asks," Do you want a piece of advice ?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. [Erma Bombeck-from andychaps_the-funnies] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights ... multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you? Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply." Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed ?"" Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother ?"" Wasn't there any change ?" The ...

... a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. The Mother will not be upset by this. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. All single ... as you take out a note-just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. The Mother will not be upset by this. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into ...

... for his attention. Instead, he walked straight over to me, covered my face with his hand, shook my head back and forth and said with much gusto," Hi ya, honey, did you miss me ?" My mother was so right about everything! [Author Unknown-Aiken Drum (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ... Mom Was Right Among my mother's many bits of sage advice was that if a guy didn't like kids and pets, don't bother with him because he probably possessed no patience or sense of humor. Another was to be careful of what you wish for. When my husband and I were first married many years ago, two of the first things on our priority list when we could finally afford to move into our own home (where pets and kids would definitely be allowed ...

... in the*piddle-pot *! Dad Heck said," What ?!" I stomped my foot and yelled," Lissen to me! A*peacock *! To the*piddle-pot *! Ask Mommy and you'll see !" Then Dad Heck phoned my mother the whole story, blow-by-blow. She laughed and laughed," We heard it on this morning's radio !" With unchecked glee, she told what muddled my 4-year-old head:" A man, hit by a pickup. to the hospital ," ... . They took that man away, and put him in the*piddle-pot *! Dad Heck said," What ?!" I stomped my foot and yelled," Lissen to me! A*peacock *! To the*piddle-pot *! Ask Mommy and you'll see !" Then Dad Heck phoned my mother the whole story, blow-by-blow. She laughed and laughed," We heard it on this morning's radio !" With unchecked glee, she told what muddled my 4-year-old head:" A man ...

... reach. (Warning: This is a prop. This is only a prop. Actually using the rag will invalidate this procedure and render you ineligible for any further training) In the event your nosy neighbor, gossipy sister-in-law, judgmental mother-in-law or obsessively clean mother drops by (and they will ), you'll be prepared. Clad in your scruffiest clothes, smelling like lemon-fresh something-or-other, eyes watering from the pine fumes, dusted in vanilla-scented carpet deodorizer, and with dirty rag in hand ... you rush to the door. (Note: Rushing is important. Practice your harried" you caught me right in the middle of things" look) They will have come to deliver one of the following messages:" Keep your cat out of my petunias ,"" Our other sister-in-law's house is even dirtier than yours ,"" I just stopped by to remind you (again) that you're not good enough for my son ," or" I just hope you're not killing my ...

... be that, and three would be those, Yet hat in the plural would never be hose, And the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim! Let's face it-English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ... your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on. And in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop? [Author Unknown-from 'Bill Rayborn ' (bills-punch-line @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... 'Twas The Fight Before Christmas 'Twas the fight before Christmas when all through the house Not a good deed was stirring, and Dad was a louse! Their mother was angry and loaded with care, 'Cause the gift list was longer than ever this year! The children were nagging for gifts worth a ton, And Dad was convinced," Christmas just isn't fun !" With Mom's loud complaining, and Dad mad at all, They loaded the car for the trip to the ... ! They stopped first at Sears to buy Grandma a platter, At Wards Sis tried on jeans that confirmed she was fatter! They stopped at the ATM for some more cash, And saw their new neighbors with THEIR Christmas stash! Hearts sank as they saw what their neighbors could spend," We've got to buy more !" Everybody chimed in! When, what to their shopping red eyes should appear, But a sign with the answer to their Christmas fear." Use ...

... made my imaginary victories all the more sweet even though most of the time I found her to be quite disturbing. The gloves would stay on until I needed to use the bathroom, at which point I would frantically seek out my mother and dance anxiously in front of her while she picked at the knots on my wrists. My next-door neighbor was a boy my age named Brad, and it turned out he, too, had received boxing gloves for Christmas. (There ... persists to this day." Just on the gloves, we'll only punch each other's gloves ," he explained. Well, that seemed reasonable. I dashed inside to suit up, the brave prizefighter being readied for the match by his mommy. My father was reading the newspaper in the living room with my sisters and, fatefully, Patty." Brad and I are going to box !" I blurted. I always measured the degree to which my words impacted my father by ...

... in the*piddle-pot *! Dad Heck said," What ?!" I stomped my foot and yelled," Lissen to me! A*peacock *! To the*piddle-pot *! Ask Mommy and you'll see !" Then Dad Heck phoned my mother the whole story, blow-by-blow. She laughed and laughed," We heard it on this morning's radio !" With unchecked glee, she told what muddled my 4-year-old head:" A man, hit by a pickup. to the hospital ," ... . They took that man away, and put him in the*piddle-pot *! Dad Heck said," What ?!" I stomped my foot and yelled," Lissen to me! A*peacock *! To the*piddle-pot *! Ask Mommy and you'll see !" Then Dad Heck phoned my mother the whole story, blow-by-blow. She laughed and laughed," We heard it on this morning's radio !" With unchecked glee, she told what muddled my 4-year-old head:" A man ...

... pore. This extraterrestrial I once called flesh and blood, whose mood swings dwarf the Grand Canyon, seems intent on bungee jumping from that rickety bridge connecting a child with adulthood. And I think he plans on dragging his rapidly aging mother along for the ride. A drastic language change was the first indication of alien infestation in my once-cherished offspring. The rosy-cheeked cherub who used to run to me, eyes shining with adoration and shouting" Mommy !" began to address me ( ... everyone else) as" Dude" At 13 months, he was a sponge, joyfully soaking up new words, becoming more communicative every day. At 13 years, the hormones surging through his body have cut a swath through the speech center in his brain; his mouth, when it speaks at all, produces mere shrunken shreds of complete sentences apparently understood only by other members of his species." S'up" is a perfectly acceptable, all-purpose phrase in an adolescent's world ...

... to high school days, I recollect my mother's cooking ways. Spaghetti? Oh, that sounds good! I grab the package where I stood. Meatballs I shall add to the deal. They'll make an even better meal. My mother always said to add the veggies, but they make me mad. To top it off I'll put oil in the pan, I've heard olive oil will make it grand. I say a prayer, turn the knob, And a blue ... the world what I can be! I'll make a meal just for you and me. Into the kitchen with brave strides, I walk like a wolf with focused eyes. And thinking back to high school days, I recollect my mother's cooking ways. Spaghetti? Oh, that sounds good! I grab the package where I stood. Meatballs I shall add to the deal. They'll make an even better meal. My mother always said to add the veggies, but they ...

... in the*piddle-pot *! Dad Heck said," What ?!" I stomped my foot and yelled," Lissen to me! A*peacock *! To the*piddle-pot *! Ask Mommy and you'll see !" Then Dad Heck phoned my mother the whole story, blow-by-blow. She laughed and laughed," We heard it on this morning's radio !" With unchecked glee, she told what muddled my 4-year-old head:" A man, hit by a pickup. to the hospital ," ... . They took that man away, and put him in the*piddle-pot *! Dad Heck said," What ?!" I stomped my foot and yelled," Lissen to me! A*peacock *! To the*piddle-pot *! Ask Mommy and you'll see !" Then Dad Heck phoned my mother the whole story, blow-by-blow. She laughed and laughed," We heard it on this morning's radio !" With unchecked glee, she told what muddled my 4-year-old head:" A man ...

... What My Mother Taught Me My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:" If you're going to kill each other, do it outside-I just finished cleaning !" My mother taught me RELIGION:" You better pray that will come out of the carpet" My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:" If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week !" My mother taught me LOGIC:" Because I said so, that's why !" My mother taught me FORESIGHT:" Be sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident" My mother taught me IRONY:" Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about" My mother taught me about OSMOSIS:" Shut your mouth and eat your supper !" My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:" Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck !" My mother taught me about STAMINA:" You'll sit ...

... Little Johnny and the Fat Lady Lil ' Johnny's mother took her 6 year old son with her to the bank. By chance, they happened to be in line behind a rather obese lady. As the mother patiently waited, Lil ' Johnny looked at the women in front of him and said loudly," Hey, Mom, she's really fat" The lady turned around and looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil ' Johnny received a reprimand. After a minute or two, Lil ' Johnny spread his hands as far apart as they would go and loudly said to his mother," her butt is 'that ' wide, mom" Hearing his comment, the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolded her son. Again, after only a couple of minutes, Lil ' Johnny stated loudly," Look how the fat hangs over her belt" The lady turned and told ...

... puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other"" Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs"" Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings"" Love is what makes you smile when you're tired"" Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK"" Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"" Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen"" If you ...

... m thinking of notifying all my online debtors – hundreds of individuals and organizations who ’ ve sent me email lately – that I ’ ve officially been diagnosed with Email Ennui (French for boredom, pronounced ON-WEE). Being branded as the victim of a disorder with a French name will make me seem sophisticated and fairly high-falutin ’ It will also give me a good excuse for not having answered most of those computer missives. This excuse will probably work with everyone except my mother, who has never been one to buy my excuses. As I ’ m writing this, I have 729 unread email messages. Five of them are from my mother. Even though we speak regularly in the old-fashioned way, she still sends me a lot of email, including a great many recipes that call for using at least 25 ingredients. I ’ m pretty much a five-ingredient-or-less kind of person. But the poor woman is still laboring under the delusion that she can ...

... Mother-in-law in Jerusalem George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5, 000. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150. George thinks for some time and answers," I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do" The Consul, after hearing this, says" You must have loved your ...

... Mother Superior Is Feeling Superior The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop." Mother ," the nuns asked with earnest," please give us some wisdom before you die" She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said," Don't sell that cow" [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the_funnnies ' (andychaps_the-funnies-owner @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net ...

... several of these satisfying occasions, especially since my daughter crossed that turbulent threshold into adolescence. Being old and obviously with failing memories, they are under the inaccurate impression that I was sometimes rather difficult to deal with when I was 13, and they seem to feel that I ’ m getting my just desserts. I have no memory of being anything other than delightful as a teenybopper. But I do remember vowing that I would never, ever repeat the fatigued phrases my mother seemed so fond of using when I was growing up. A few years ago, a friend gave me a humorous plaque that read: Mirror, Mirror on the wall, I am my mother after all. I hung this highly amusing piece of absurdity in my bathroom and looked at it whenever I needed a good laugh. Definitely not going to happen to me, I can recall thinking. But then my sweet little girl-the one who always thought I hung the ...

... Monica A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her," No" The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly," Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through-don't be upset. It won't be long now" Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said," There, there, Monica, don't cry-only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out" When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely," Monica ...

... The Mommy Test I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. Why ?" my daughter asked." Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, Mommy, how do you know all this stuff ?"" Uh ," I was thinking quickly." All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy" We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information." OH .I get it !" she beamed." So if you don't pass the test you have to be ...

... 65-Year-Old Mother-New Baby With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit." May we see the new baby ?" one asked." Not yet ," said the mother." I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first" Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked," May we see the new baby now ?"" No, not yet ," said the mother. After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again," May we see the baby now ?"" No, not yet ," replied the mother sternly. Growing very impatient, they asked," Well, when CAN we see the baby ?"" WHEN HE CRIES !" she told them." WHEN HE CRIES ??" they demanded." Why do we have to wait until he CRIES ??"" ...

... . John's response is to send a photograph of a large man bending over in unfortunately loose pants, the caption reading" Cousin Dean" Next, pick a location !!!!! Uncle Lou says Boise would be perfect because it is" close to everything" Everything, Dean repeats, meaning what, corn? Cousin John sends a list of countries in which to have the reunion so as to be" close to Dean The Big Important Businessman ," including Moronovia and Idiotesia. My mother writes HELLO CAN EVERYONE READ THIS? WHAT KIND OF PIE DOES EVERYONE LIKE? (Mother, it's called the Caps-Lock key; press it) Dean wants to know whether everyone got his corn joke. Aunt Liddy says we should have the reunion someplace warm because Uncle Bob gets so cold. Tina points out that we're having the reunion in August, it's bound to be warm wherever we are. I tell him to put on a sweater but he doesn't listen, Aunt Liddy ...

... in real life, I ’ d never even been near a horse. In my dreams, I was the very embodiment of a fine rider, my hair streaming out behind me as I raced across the plains. In reality, as I found out recently, my fantasy fell flat when confronted with actual horse flesh. I had an opportunity, with my family, to go on a two-hour trail ride. My children were excited, and they managed to convince my mother to come along. Although my mom grew up on a farm, she hadn ’ t been on a horse in more than 40 years. It ’ s amazing what people will do for their grandchildren. We arrived at the stables, and times being what they are, were presented with numerous pages of legalese assuring us that riding a horse is a dangerous activity and that we, as suicidal idiots, were crazy to want to be placed on hooved hazards for the express ...

... I had reservations over the idea that my dog would start slobbering whenever I received a phone call, but choose not to express my doubts in the name of scientific progress) Here are my own observations of how the experiment proceeded. Step One: Son gathers kibbles in a small bag. Dog expresses immediate interest, racing over to regard boy with frantic expression. Son scolds dog for drooling before the experiment is even started. Sister shrieks that dog slobber is gross. Mother evicts scientist and dog from kitchen. Son complains that nobody cares about his science project, but he's wrong-the dog obviously DOES care, with a passion bordering on obsessive. Step Two: The experiment is reassembled in the living room. In a demonstration of human Pavlovian response, my son reacts to the proximity of the television by picking up the remote and surfing channels. The dog whines, eager to begin work on the project. Step Three: The son's channel ...

... Dear Baby Jesus A little boy is told by his mother that he has been very bad this year. Thus, he would probably not get anything for Christmas." What? Nothing for Christmas ?" cried the little boy." Well ," said mom," maybe if you write a letter to baby Jesus and tell him how sorry you are, Santa will bring you some presents" The little boy returned to his room and began his letter. With each attempt at writing he would first apologize and then promise to be good for a certain amount of time. Each letter he crumpled-up, and then started again, making the" be good" time shorter with each letter. Just as he was about to give up in frustration, he was suddenly struck by a bolt of inspiration! Running to the living room he carefully removed the little Mother Mary figure from the family's manger scene, and then he carefully wrapped it in a sock ...

... fiance will be put off by them"" No problem ," said dad," all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed" Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom" Mom ," she said," When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful"" Honey ," her mother consoled," everyone has bad breath in the morning"" No, you don't understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me" Her mother said simply," Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key ...

... The Plus Sign Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything, tutors, flash cards, special learning center; in short, everything that they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, Little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and Little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her surprise, the minute he is done eating he marches back to his room without a word, and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for some time, day after day, while the Mother tries to understand what made all ...

... Good Son Robert, age eight, was the son of strict Presbyterian parents. He was very, very good, worked hard at school, did his chores, and was generally helpful and obedient. But one morning, for some reason, he came down to breakfast in a very nasty mood. When his mother served him prunes, he snarled," I don't want prunes !" and he refused to eat them. His parents were aghast, and his father said," Robert, you know that the Lord commanded children to honor and obey their parents, and He will punish those who do not" But Robert still refused and was angrily sent back to bed, and the prunes were put in the refrigerator. A few minutes later, a terrible thunderstorm came up with great roars and flashes of lightning." Ah, wonderful ," said Robert's mother," this will teach him a lesson" Robert came back down the stairs, ...

... can recall, my dad has been telling The Pig Story. He tells it with great flourish and over the years, he ’ s perfected a series of coy pauses and soft smiles, delivered at just the right moment, that make its oration a work of art. I ’ ve heard The Pig Story so many times that I could recite it in my sleep. It ’ s a tale of how, in a more simple time, my father procured my mother ’ s hand in marriage for the price of a few hogs. Every word of the story is true. My parents grew up on farms several miles apart in southeastern Oklahoma. My mother was the youngest of 10, born when her father was in his 70s. My grandfather was a local legend, renowned for his ornery ways. Even when he was in his ninth decade, with fading eyesight, he ’ d insist on driving his battered pickup along the dirt roads ...

... A Teenager Is... A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number. A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast. A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday. Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room. A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed. A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying for her driver's license. A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music-loud and very loud. An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired to dry the dishes. A young woman who loves the cat and barely tolerates her brother. A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week. A budding beauty ...

... a deposit." No, that won't be necessary ," Leola said." We trust you" The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II. She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch Days Of Our Lives, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June. Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful." There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the ...

... Who's That Following You? A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school alone. However, he didn't want his mother to walk with him. She knew she needed to give him the feeling that he had some independence, but at the same time she wanted him to feel safe. So, she came up with an idea that would satisfy both objectives. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would follow her son to school in the mornings, while staying a good distance behind him, so he probably wouldn't notice her. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early in the morning with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get out and get some exercise as well, so she agreed help. The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew ...

... The First Mom. The first Jewish President of the United States phones his mother in Queens and invites her to come down for Thanksgiving. She says," I'd love to, but it's too much trouble. I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport and I really hate waiting on Queens Blvd" He replies," Mom! I'm the President! You won't have any need for a cab. I'll send a limousine for you !" His mother replies," I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle. it's just too much trouble" He replies," Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One for you-it's my private jet !" To which she replies," Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry all ...

... company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered," Hello ?" The boss asked," Is your Daddy home ?"" Yes ", whispered the small voice." May I talk with him ?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered," No" Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked," Is your Mommy there ?"" Yes ", came the answer." May I talk with her ?" Again the small voice whispered," no". Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child." Is there any one there besides you ?" the boss asked the child." Yes" whispered the child," A policeman". ...

... Housekeeping Tips for Regular People You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. WHAT WILL YOU DO? Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first session of Housekeeping Tips for Regular People. If you're a Martha Stewart type of housekeeper, this column is NOT for you. However, for the rest of you, this is your chance to learn 15 Secret Shortcuts to Good Housekeeping that your mother never told you. SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days, much less 30 minutes, employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that you accidentally locked the door and can't find the key. Of course, the locksmith can't possibly come until tomorrow. CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom. Time: 2 seconds SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE No home should be without an ample supply ...

... reserved the room. “ Oh, it ’ s really not so bad ,” she said breezily, her smile fading a bit. “ Just open your window and leave the door ajar ” “ That will make for a very romantic night ,” my husband snorted, fanning himself. “ It ’ s as hot in here as my grandma ’ s house used to be ” He gave me one of his obnoxious I-told-you-so looks. When I was growing up, and my mother would get upset about something, my father would tell the family “ your mamma ’ s got her back up ” Most of the time, my dad was the reason for my mom ’ s spinal contortions. I am definitely my mother ’ s daughter. The I-told-you-so look I got from my husband sent my back right on up out of proportion and made me stubbornly determined to spend the night in this balmy B and B. The hostess left, and we began to ...

... " Let's Open at Least One Present !" it's become" Let's Violate Curfew !" But I remember how it was when I had three children under the age of ten. There's always considerable argument over what the words" family tradition" mean on Christmas Eve. In my opinion, the" family tradition" is defined as" What Dad Remembers" I remember baking cookies for Santa, listening to Christmas music, and tucking the children into bed before eight o'clock. Their mother remembers that they haven't gone to sleep that early since they stopped nursing. My children remember that Dad is always tying ropes to the tree, which despite my efforts adopts a" Leaning Tower of Christmas" look by about three in the afternoon. They remember that they want to watch" It's a Wonderful Life" but that I make them watch" the Godfather" (which happened only once, I don't know why they bring that up every year). We can't ...

... Wife Sick-Husband Suffers Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a well-meaning husband who has inherited the house and kids. Monday A.M. Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six. Tuesday A.M. Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the frig. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you about this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili. Wednesday A.M. Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have ...

... to be honest, I ’ m having a hard time with it myself. Oh, my new vehicle is sleek and (for the moment) spotless. She ’ s even equipped with a state-of-the-art navigational system that I ’ ve nicknamed Nancy. At first, it was rather pleasant to have Nancy telling me – in her disembodied, female voice – where to go. But a couple of weeks into our relationship, she ’ s beginning to remind me of my mother, always slightly disapproving of my driving even after I ’ d morphed into a mother myself. “ You missed the turn! You ’ re driving too fast! You ’ re going to get us killed !” OK, maybe Nancy doesn ’ t say those words specifically, but that ’ s what my mind hears. Nancy ’ s turn-by-turn instructions have taken on a nagging quality. Every time I deviate from her dictatorial directions, she sounds a bit snippy. “ I ...

... by the way my five-year old son was jumping up and down and pulling on my elbow, that it was too late." Hey, Mom ," he said." Can I try? Pleeeeease ?" I considered telling him all about the mysterious force and the flashing lights and loud music and all that, but I knew he wouldn't understand." Well, OK ," I said." One try" After all, I told myself, I was a good mother and wanted my child to be happy. Besides, what were the chances of a person who had just learned how to aim into the toilet accurately, hitting a target the size of a quarter with a water pistol? Imagine my surprise, then, when he came in second place. So, naturally he wanted to try again. And again. And again. By his fifth turn I finally worked up the courage to do what any smart parent would've done after the ...

... A Mother's Brownie Recipe Remove teddy bear from oven and tell your child," No, No" Preheat oven to 375. Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Add margarine to 2 cups of sugar. Take shortening can away from child and clean cupboards. Measure 1 / 3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away from child again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail. Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1 / 2 cups sifted flour. Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and open windows for ventilation. Take telephone away from child and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill. Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1 / 2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well. Let cat out of refrigerator. Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan. Bake 25 minutes. Rescue ...

... Letter From A Mother To Her Son Dear Son, I am writing slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, cause the last family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they would not have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled down on the handle and haven't seen them since. It rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket for you. The family is fine ...

... Signs of a Frustrated Mother Your children know how to read HTML code but can't operate a vacuum cleaner. Your children tell you that you said" yes" and you don't even remember the question. You go to the grocery store and find yourself having a good time. Your husband asks how your day went and you rate it on a scale of 1-10 repeats of" stop that !" or" no !" You can't remember the last time you didn't have to share your drink. You mistakenly tell the kids it's" sanity" time when you meant to say" bed" time. The laundry seems to have taken on an evil nature and you begin to feel that it's out to get you. You dread hearing the phone ring because it's a sure sign there's about to be trouble amongst the children. It's finally your turn on the computer and" Touched by an Angel" is just coming on. You go to sleep with" ...

... they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say" I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right ?" The telemarketer will agree and you say," Now you know how I feel !" Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke." Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma ?" And first and foremost: Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down. [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... found a super nova on my tongue. Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. CAMERON: Momma?~Bruce Cameron~[ By: W. Bruce Cameron 2005-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... the mall. Because, of course, that ’ s exactly what he ’ d done. He ’ d bought one set of eight coasters as gifts for eight people. “ See ,” he said proudly, “ you put them all together and you have a whole set !” Jacob Marley should have paid my tightwad-in-training a chain-rattling visit that night. My dismay over my son ’ s stinginess, however, is nothing compared to the gift-giving anguish I have endured with my mother-in-law. Until last year, the woman had returned every Christmas present I ’ d ever given her. Returned them to me, no less, rather than discreetly bringing them back to the store or regifting them to someone else. I ’ ve tried gifts of every variety. She ’ d give each one back within a couple of days, softening her explanations with an endearment. First, I gave clothes. (“ Too itchy for me, dear ,” she ’ d say ...

... above -20. Still snowed in. THE WOMAN I MARRIED is driving me crazy !!! December 29-10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? December 30-Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplow driver! He is now suing me for a million dollars for the beating I gave him !!! The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted. December 31-I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling. January 8-Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. But wonder why I am tied to the bed? [Peggie C. Bohanon-from: 'fun-n-faith ' (Found circulating the Net !)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... and a mirror-bordered with glued-on ivy and still more silk flowers-was mounted above. She'd sit on that bench in her garden room, cuddling her crew of stuffed animals, and she would pretend she was in a real garden. Some days, she'd play dress-up in front of the mirror, wearing a lovely hat adorned, naturally, with flowers. Once, I walked in to find her breathing deeply." I'm just smelling all of my flowers, Mommy ," she said simply. At that moment, I could smell them too. Occasionally, I was invited in for tea parties. These were formal affairs at which I was expected to wear a pretty hat and conduct myself in a manner befitting my lovely surroundings. Sometimes I succeeded at this, but often-too often-I was so preoccupied with the day's must-do tasks that I failed to fully enjoy the garden party. Many days, after I'd excused myself and rushed ...

... spends even less time thinking about his hair than he spends wondering if his jeans make his butt look big. If you have problem hair that just lies slouched across your scalp as sluggish as a teenager in the summertime, being a HIM is a real blessing. Being the daughter of a hair-challenged HIM, however, can be a curse if – like me-you are unfortunate enough to have inherited his calamitous coif. And if-like me-you have a mother with thick, beautiful, bouncy hair who dropped the genetic ball, so to speak, at your conception and allowed your father ’ s lackluster gene to beat her healthy-hair gene to the punch, you may have enough Oedipal issues to keep any therapist happy (and wealthy). Personally, I plan on skipping the shrink ’ s couch, though, and eventually just taking the matter up with the Creator himself. In the meantime, I have to confess I understand why ...

... hiding from the children. Swallowing Coins: 1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays. 2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass. 3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance !! Pass this on to everyone you know who has children. or everyone who KNOWS someone who has had children. (the older the mother, the funnier this is !) GRANDCHILDREN: .God's reward for allowing your children to live. [Author Unknown-from Lorraine, via 'LABLaughs ' (LABLaughs @LABLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... But unless the loved one is suffering from a truly debilitating affliction, such as Reinstallzheimers, the decision to commit is entirely personal. You must ask yourself:" How frustrated am I that my parent / sibling / spouse is unable to open an email attachment ?"" How much of my time should be taken up explaining how RAM is different from hard drive memory ?"" How many times can I bear to hear my dad say, 'Hey, can I replace the motherboard with a fatherboard? Ha ha ha!" To make things easier, we have prepared a list of Warning Signs which we encourage you to refer to often, or, if you can't figure out how to bookmark it, print it out. Also, please take a moment to read" I'm Glad I'm in Here!-A Resident's Story" MUST IT BE FAMILY, OR CAN I PLACE ANYONE IN AN ACF? Several corporations have sought permission to have certain employees ...

... Vacation! You'll drink as much beer as you can, then throw up. Later, you'll find that your roommate has locked you out of your room so he can be with his girlfriend, so you'll spend the night on a couch which smells as though it was once used as a place to cure salmon. Witness-Protection-Camp Vacation! After dying your hair and being given a pair of really dark sun glasses, you'll operate a small pet store in Gary, Indiana. Mother-in-Law-Camp Vacation! A self-improvement program like no other! Every single one of your faults will be discussed, in loving detail, while you do your best to practice non-violence. A chronology of your other half's former romances will be revealed, with helpful updates on their lives-every single one of them would apparently have been a better mate for your spouse, even the one on parole. Luxury-Airport-Camp Vacation! Spend the nights in a beautiful airport, having your flights delayed and canceled without ever ...

... as large as my thighs and wings you could park a car under. Words cannot describe the delight on my wife's face when my neighbors help me carry the bird into the refrigerator, where, following the instructions, it is left to thaw for a period of six months. (My wife often has several interesting but impractical suggestions on where else we might stick the turkey for this thawing procedure) Cooking begins around Halloween, a slow roasting process which varies from my mother's recipe in that there are no flames or threats of divorce" if anybody says a word about how the turkey tastes" I enjoy every step of turkey preparation, particularly since I am not involved in any of it. Well, that's not entirely true -at one point, I am asked to reach into the mouth of the turkey and retrieve the giblets, which turns out to be a bag of what looks like pieces of Jimmy Hoffa. (I realize I am not ...

... Walk to School Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mom loved very much and, being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school the couple of days but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the" big boys" He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed. The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little ...

... said," Well, Jenny, what do you think heaven is like ?" She looked up at the sky and clouds and replied," Well, I can't see any floor, so I guess people are just up there on coat hangers !" I told nine-year-old Heather that someday we would have glorified bodies. She asked," Do you think we'll look like Barbie ?" One day my five-year-old grandson, Brett, who frequently went fishing with his dad, told his mother," If Grandma's going to heaven with us, God had better have a pretty big fishing rod to haul her in !" [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... on the front porch. The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes. and no one has touched it. Nothing you own is actually paid for. You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk clerk, bell hop, and manager have a" Welcome Back" party for your new spouse. You receive a 150-page instruction booklet on how to save money. from the electric company. Airline food starts to taste good. Your mother approves of the person you are dating. Your doctor tells you that you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies. You have to borrow from your VISA to pay off your MASTERCARD. You realize that you have memorized the back of your cereal box. Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her and has her kittens in your dresser drawer. Everyone loves your driver's license picture. Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents. Your aunt Maddie, ...

... Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had. Our next little rite of passage is marriage and having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils, leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about. Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over the" John" Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are ), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee in our pants every time we sneeze. ...

... to blow your car into your house, unless of course you drive an Expedition and live in a mobile home, then strong enough to blow your house into your car. F3: Will pick your house and your Expedition up and move you to the other side of town. F4: Usually ranging from 1 / 2 to a full mile wide, this tornado can turn an Expedition into a Pinto, then gift wrap it in a semi truck. F5: The Mother of all Tornadoes, you might as well stand on your front porch and watch it, because it's probably going to be quite a last sight. METEOROLOGIST: A rather soft-spoken, mild-mannered type person until severe weather strikes, and they start yelling at you through the t.vs:" GET TO YOUR BATHROOM OR YOU'RE GOING TO DIE !" STORM CHASER: Meteorologist-rejects who are pretty much insane but get us really cool pictures of tornadoes. We release them from the mental institution every time ...

... Tips For Being Handy If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help. What you may have been told by your mother, praying is helpful in home repair. Work in the kitchen whenever you can. many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator. If it's electronic, get a new one. or consult a twelve-year-old. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the" on" switch; or just paint over it. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have" fixed" it. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help ...

... school, it takes me about an hour to do my homework, 2 hours if my father helps. I was having trouble in English. My Dad bought me a cheap dictionary but I couldn't find the words to thank him. My dad bought me a thesaurus, too. I thought that was very nice, pleasurable, agreeable. I was doing geography homework and I asked him where I would find the Catskills. He said," I don't know, your mother puts everything away !" When my father saw my report card, he said I was just like Abraham Lincoln, I went down in history. [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... that there were four places within two blocks of her home where she could stop and buy a five-cent glass of iced tea. Each little stand had two or three youngsters behind it, all eager to serve any customer who came their way. During the next two weeks, the woman managed to stop at each of the stands to encourage the entrepreneurs. In each case the tea was very good. Small talk revealed that all the youngsters were selling tea made by their mothers, who used tea leaves and real lemons in making the tea. One day the woman discovered that only one stand was operating. Behind it was the new kid on the block. She stopped and ordered a glass of tea. It was served in a paper cup and it cost 10 cents. Some conversation brought out the fact that the young man's father was a lawyer who specialized in mergers, which had inspired the boy to buy out his competitors, bartering with baseball ...

... , the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle! Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? Dear God, When my foster mom's friend comes over to our house, he smells like musk! What's he been rolling around in? Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps? Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please. Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in? Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ...

... possible words. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention. I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my ...

... Things Women Want to Hear Things Women Want to Hear, but Never Do.... Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it-just for you. Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us. Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If there is one thing I hate, it's skinny women. What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies-so I got enough for the entire week. You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman. What a break, I won a prize on the radio station. tickets to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first ...

... ’ s full names when I am communicating my displeasure with them. The bowl momentarily stays put, and the house is silent. But it ’ s just a clever, psychological ploy. After a few quiet minutes and with dastardly doggie daring, Eb will then hook her paw under her unfilled dish and actually fling it through the air so that it lands with a great clatter on the kitchen tile. This propels me, muttering curses I wouldn ’ t want my mother to hear, out of my chair and straight to the cabinet that holds the dog food. Round two goes to the canine. After filling her stomach, Ebony contentedly settles down for another nap. When she again wakes up, she will devote her evening to catching crumbs of people grub that fall from the counters or perhaps engage in an energetic round of barking at a neighbor ’ s dog. She might even go out for a walk with her utterly submissive human. ...

... He has the attention span of a lightning bolt"-Robert Redford" They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge"-Thomas Brackett Reed" In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily"-Charles, Count Talleyrand" He loves nature in spite of what it did to him"-Forrest Tucker" Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it ?"-Mark Twain" His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork"-Mae West" He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. for support rather than illumination"-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)" He has Van Gogh's ear for music"-Billy Wilder" I've had a perfectly wonderful evening but this wasn't it"-Groucho Marx" Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go"-Oscar Wilde [Author Unknown-from Randy, via 'Buffalos ...

... " 3rd time this week !!!" When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling" Run for your lives, they're loose !" Tell your boss," It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do" Tell your children over dinner:" Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go" Every time you see a broom, yell" Honey, your mother is here !" And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity. Send this to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you-it's worth the laughter! [Author Unknown-from Rick and Debic Brown, via Kim Patterson-Ed: anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... : The father issues an executive decree that he has authority over all rodents and that there are no mice in the garage. Step Twenty: The children move for dismissal, claiming they are exempt because they have homework to do. Step Twenty-One: The father consults the official Cameron family calendar and determines there is another day left in the weekend in which homework can be done. Step Twenty-two: The children file a grievance with the Supreme Court of the house: their mother. A restraining order is sought prohibiting enforcement of the father's executive order on the grounds that he never listens, he is ruining our lives, he's mean, and if he really wants the garage cleaned up why doesn't he do it himself. Step Twenty-Three: A constitutional crisis is averted when the wife hands down a decision supporting the father's right to order the children to clean up the garage. Step Twenty-four: The children declare themselves no longer members of the family. As ...

... wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. This also has a logical ring of truth. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared," A horse divided against itself cannot stand" Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and ...

... . He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out," Excuse me, where are we ?"" This is heaven, sir ," the man answered." Wow! Would you happen to have some water ?" the man asked." Of course, ...

... have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives. You refer to all of your friends with an @in their names. When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple. Your dog has his own home page. Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months. You can't call your mother. she doesn't have a modem. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage. so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... born but it doesn't sound right. Marsha Dear God, If you watch in church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. Mickey D. Dear God, I like the story about Chanuka the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. Glenn God, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the bible. Love, Chris Dear God I love you. how are you fine. Im fine to. my mother has five girls and one boy, I am one of them. Nancy 6 Dear God I don't ever feel alone since I found out about you. Nora We read Thos. Edison made light. But in Sun. school they said you did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna Dear God, If you let the dinasor not exstinct we would not have a country. You did the right thing. Jonathan Dear God. here's a poem ...

... . Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix ** Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Page 11, Anderson ** Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven ** Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany ** Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago ** Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma ** Dear Pastor, I liked ...

... . And once a woman, say one like me, has felt beautiful in this essential item of apparel (a la Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany ’ s ), she tends to assume she will always look good in it. So with this assumption firmly in mind and having not worn an LBD for quite a while, I went shopping recently for a new little black dress to wear to this year ’ s holiday parties. I had my teenage daughter and my mother in tow. And I stumbled upon a shocking scandal, one that should have every woman in the country up in arms. Someone is sabotaging the LBD. Someone, probably the same folks adding lead to children ’ s toys, is removing fabric from the fundamental fashion frock and skewing the sizes. These pernicious people have a lot to answer for. I tried on dress after dress in what I thought would be a quick quest for a trendy, yet timeless LBD. ...

... before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. When Mary heard that she was the!!!! mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained," a man doth not live by sweat alone" It was a miracle when Jesus rose from ...

... me will have to drill for droll in places no comedian has gone before. Therefore, just as many industries are passing on skyrocketing energy costs to their customers, I must do the same. Starting today, I am imposing a new fee schedule on my column. Low-grade humor consisting mainly of references to bodily functions and Paris Hilton jokes – the kind necessary to entertain adolescent boys – will remain free of charge. Being a civic-minded person, I feel an obligation to mothers of said boys to continue to provide this service, especially during the summer. Besides, this stuff is easy to get. It ’ s practically lying around on the ground. Not even OPEC seems to want it. Slightly more sophisticated humor, however, will require a surcharge based on the amount of work I have to do to deliver it. Future stories about my kids will still come relatively cheaply as my offspring provide plenty of material. Ditto for any humorous bits ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Got Flax? One of life ’ s little ironies is that at the same time you are sharing a house with people who think they will live forever-people (and I use the word loosely) otherwise known as teenagers-Mother Nature begins to impress upon you the realization that you might not even make it into next week. Ma Nature, being a crotchety old lady with creaking joints, decides that your middle-aged self no longer has any business thinking like a jaunty juvenile. So, using forces like gravity and assisted by your love of things like gravy, she smites you with self-doubt. You suddenly notice that even your knees have wrinkles, that your tummy seems terminally tubby and, if you ’ re a woman, that your thighs seem to be swimming in cellulite. And as bad as your body looks on the outside, you begin to worry even more about what ’ ...

... with words. Sometimes, to add insult to injury, a dash is even forced to stand between the" eyes ” and the" mouth ” to indicate a nose:). Is there no end to the indignity? I know this blight upon language has been around for a while and that many software programs can now create emoticons — even animated emoticons that move e-nnoyingly around on your computer screen — without sacrificing the lives of priceless punctuation. But I fear our mother tongue is still in peril. Words are wasting away; standard spelling is falling out of fashion. It's as if we are moving backward in time, back to a world where man crudely expressed his thoughts with hieroglyphics. Actually, now that I think about it, hieroglyphics were a lot more sophisticated than the smiley face. We may be in real trouble here, folks. Until recently, I thought I was immune to emoticon creep. My text stood on its own ...

... . Long enough to decelerate with each passing decade until you're one of those old people in a big car, going ten miles under the speed limit in the fast lane and annoying all the rest of us off. 25-35 Points Hey! Joe Average! You're a decent driver without being boring. You get where you're going fast without too much danger. In fact, you're the type of person we all like to ride with. Well, all of us except your mother, because" you're going too fast! Watch out for that car in front of you! You're going to kill us all !" 36-45 Points Remember in driver's education class when they told us to drive defensively? You're the reason! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Dear Mom Dear Mom, Our Scoutmaster told us all to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her that he's OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride on one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put a gas can on a fire, the gas can will blow up? Billy ...

... adultery. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miricle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. he fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. he also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed ...

... . He looks forward to going to school Now that he has a sport to play. He wanted to know if you would come to one of his games. if. we bought you a laptop to bring along? Do you remember him? He's the one who. empties your Port-a-Potty for you! Let's see. since the last time I wrote you. (3 months ago ), the refrigerator had to be replaced, The dog died from old age, your mother and dad painted the room, where your computer is. hope you like the color! The church has a new pastor, the president has been impeached, and oh yes. and I have a new job! Well, I think that's about it. I'll email you again in about 3 months. You take care of yourself, honey. We all miss you very much, and look forward to seeing you again. next time. the power goes off!: ...

... , smug in the knowledge that my closet doors were closed and by outward appearances anyway, my house was in order. I showed her the master bedroom, feeling pleased with myself because I ’ d actually made the bed that day. We were standing right in front of the closed closet, and I was about to triumphantly usher my guest out when my preschool-age daughter, wanting to be part of the tour, opened the closet door saying, “ And here is Mommy ’ s closet ” She barely got the words out before a tower of stuff literally poured out of the closet like a tsunami, some of it coming to rest on my astonished neighbor ’ s feet. She hasn ’ t been back to my house since then. For a while after that, I was ashamed enough to keep my closet reasonably tidy. But gradually, pieces of clothing deserted their hangers and ran rampant on the floor. Unauthorized objects crept back in, ...