... by a teenager arriving home after curfew. GUM: Adhesive for the hair. HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. JUNK: Dad's stuff. KISS: Mom's medicine. LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net ... A Mother's Dictionary ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting. EMPTY NEST: See" WISHFUL THINKING" FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home ...

... after they eat it." Kitty box crunchies" are not food. I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not wake Mommy by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am ... . When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV. I will not steal Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps. My head does not belong in the refrigerator, dishwasher or trashcan. I will not bite the officer's hand ...

... ?" and get their answer when a little voice says," because I love you best" Real mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade. it is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom. IMAGES OF MOTHER 4 years of age: -My mommy can do anything! 8 years of age: -My mom knows a lot! A whole lot! 12 years of age: -My mother doesn't really know quite everything. ... old-fashioned. 18 years of age: -That old woman? She's way out of date! 25 years of age: -Well, she might know a little bit about it. 35 years of age: -Before we decide, let's get mom's opinion. 45 years of age: -Wonder what mom would have thought about it? 65 years of age: -Wish I could talk it over with mom. [Author Unknown-from Sermon_Fodder] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says," Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of ... Mom's Letter to Santa Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, ...

... A Mother's Wisdom After I had children I realized there was a lot of information left out of the first time parenting manuals. Although most of them mention what to expect when you're expecting, or give advice on what to do during childbirth, none of them mention what you're really in for during the next eighteen years. So, for what it's worth, here is a collection of household tips, motherly wisdom, and observations I have acquired. Houshold tips: It ... possible to make a bottle, change a diaper, and wind the automatic swing without remembering your full name or the day of the week. It is possible to take a knot out of wet shoelaces with your teeth. You don't need to figure out how to work the sewing machine to be a good mother. Girl Scout patches can be attached with a hot glue gun and stapler. Any machine that makes homemade bread or sews makes a good car jack. Time Management ...

... Mom's Last Laugh Consumed by my loss, I didn't notice the hardness of the pew I sitting on. I was at the funeral of my dearest friend-my mother. She finally had lost her long battle with cancer. The hurt was so intense, I found it hard to breathe at times. Always supportive, Mother clapped loudest at my school plays, held a box of tissues while listening to my first heartbreak, comforted me at my father's death, encouraged ... in college, and prayed for me my entire life. When Mother's illness was diagnosed, my sister had a new baby and my brother had recently married his childhood sweetheart, so it fell on me, the 27-year-old middle child without entanglements, to take care of her. I counted it an honor." What now, Lord ?" I asked sitting in church. My life stretched out before me as an empty abyss. My brother sat stoically with his face toward the ...

... Mom's Dictionary AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr -old to eat strained beets. ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself. APPLE: Nutritious lunch-time dessert which children will trade for cupcakes. BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42. BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning." BECAUSE ": Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically. BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves. CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes. CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar. CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love ...

... puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other"" Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs"" Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings"" Love is what makes you smile when you're tired"" Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK"" Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"" Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen"" If you ...

... Mother-in-law in Jerusalem George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5, 000. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150. George thinks for some time and answers," I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do" The Consul, after hearing this, says" You must have loved your ...

... The Mommy Test I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. Why ?" my daughter asked." Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, Mommy, how do you know all this stuff ?"" Uh ," I was thinking quickly." All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy" We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information." OH .I get it !" she beamed." So if you don't pass the test you have to be ...

... with ice cream and caramel sauce and nuts and a whole pan of apple strudel. (If there is no dessert, I am perfectly resentful to go without. I'll make little jokes like" if there's no dessert you must be a horrible person" so that everyone at the dinner will get over their embarrassment at the dreadful faux pas and look upon our hosts with tolerant repugnance) My love affair with sweets started when I was a child, but not in my mother's kitchen. My mother didn't like to bake and to prove it would make us her chocolate chip cookies: heavy, flat disks with all the succulence of kiln-fired clay. My mother's cookies were very popular with my friends because they never lost their texture even after hours of field hockey. (We also liked the idea that they were made of biodegradable materials and didn't need to be picked up from the playground at the end of the game, though I recently returned to my ...

... Mom's Laundry Rules Mom's Laundry Rules... Pajamas~Do not put pajamas in the dirty clothes after only one wear. It is Scientific fact that you do not get dirty while sleep. Pajamas can be worn Many times before they smell bad enough to warrant being thrown in the Dirty clothes. Exception: You may put pajamas in the dirty clothes if you Throw up on them or something else that may be deemed disgusting, but only If they stink. Socks~Unroll your socks before putting them in the dirty clothes. Otherwise, I Will start washing and drying them in their original rolled up little Balls. Special note: Unroll socks before throwing them down the laundry Chute. If you don't, the law of physics causes them to bounce off the Washer and land behind the washer or dryer, and Mom is getting too old to Crawl back there and fish them out. Clothes Hung Up~Clean clothes can be easily removed ...

... company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered," Hello ?" The boss asked," Is your Daddy home ?"" Yes ", whispered the small voice." May I talk with him ?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered," No" Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked," Is your Mommy there ?"" Yes ", came the answer." May I talk with her ?" Again the small voice whispered," no". Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child." Is there any one there besides you ?" the boss asked the child." Yes" whispered the child," A policeman". ...

... pick up a stick and turn it into a tool. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches. Boys grow their fingernails long because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long-not because they look nice-but because they can dig them into a boy's arm. Girls are attracted to boys ...

... before I wake, that's one less test I have to take" ~~~~~~~ A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night." Dear God, thank you for these pancakes" When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said," I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight" ~~~~~~ A little boy's prayer." Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess" ~~~~~~~ A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy:" So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say ?" The little boy replied," Thank God he's in bed !" ~~~~~~~ A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table ...

... have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot-Food 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as Fixes-Broken-Things 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and Best-Friend 7.6. A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shut down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 or Golfing 2.3 until Mother-In-Law 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years." We trust in time you will learn to fully appreciate and enjoy this product! [Author Unknown- ...

... A Mother's Brownie Recipe Remove teddy bear from oven and tell your child," No, No" Preheat oven to 375. Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Add margarine to 2 cups of sugar. Take shortening can away from child and clean cupboards. Measure 1 / 3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away from child again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail. Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1 / 2 cups sifted flour. Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and open windows for ventilation. Take telephone away from child and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill. Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1 / 2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well. Let cat out of refrigerator. Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan. Bake 25 minutes. Rescue ...

... Mother's Day Special The following answers were given by young children to these questions: Why did God make mothers? Think about it, it was the best way to get more people. How did God make mothers? He made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom? God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me. What kind of little girl was your Mom? My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff. How did your Mom meet your dad? Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting. What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him? His last name. Why did your Mom marry your dad? She got too old to do anything else with him. What's the difference between moms and grandmas? About 30 years. Describe the ...

... found a super nova on my tongue. Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. CAMERON: Momma?~Bruce Cameron~[ By: W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2005-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Stories SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... and a mirror-bordered with glued-on ivy and still more silk flowers-was mounted above. She'd sit on that bench in her garden room, cuddling her crew of stuffed animals, and she would pretend she was in a real garden. Some days, she'd play dress-up in front of the mirror, wearing a lovely hat adorned, naturally, with flowers. Once, I walked in to find her breathing deeply." I'm just smelling all of my flowers, Mommy ," she said simply. At that moment, I could smell them too. Occasionally, I was invited in for tea parties. These were formal affairs at which I was expected to wear a pretty hat and conduct myself in a manner befitting my lovely surroundings. Sometimes I succeeded at this, but often-too often-I was so preoccupied with the day's must-do tasks that I failed to fully enjoy the garden party. Many days, after I'd excused myself and rushed ...

... the mall. Because, of course, that ’ s exactly what he ’ d done. He ’ d bought one set of eight coasters as gifts for eight people. “ See ,” he said proudly, “ you put them all together and you have a whole set !” Jacob Marley should have paid my tightwad-in-training a chain-rattling visit that night. My dismay over my son ’ s stinginess, however, is nothing compared to the gift-giving anguish I have endured with my mother-in-law. Until last year, the woman had returned every Christmas present I ’ d ever given her. Returned them to me, no less, rather than discreetly bringing them back to the store or regifting them to someone else. I ’ ve tried gifts of every variety. She ’ d give each one back within a couple of days, softening her explanations with an endearment. First, I gave clothes. (“ Too itchy for me, dear ,” she ’ d say ...

... they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say" I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right ?" The telemarketer will agree and you say," Now you know how I feel !" Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke." Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma ?" And first and foremost: Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down. [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... of the year, regardless of temperature. You have no accent at all, but can hear other people's. And then you make fun of them." Humid" is over 25 %. Your sense of direction is: Toward the mountains and away from the mountains. You say," The Interstate ," and everybody knows which one. You think that May is a totally normal month for a blizzard or ice storm. You buy your flowers to set out on Mother's Day, but try and hold off planting them until just before Father's Day. You grew up planning your Halloween costumes around your coat. You know what the Continental Divide is. You went to Casa Bonita as a kid, and again as an adult. You've gone off-roading in a vehicle that was never intended for such activities. You always know the elevation of where you are. You wake up to a beautiful 80-degree day and wonder if it's going to snow tomorrow. ...

... the best, I will look for another opportunity" (No problem)" Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable" (Glad to hear it)" My compensation should be at least equal to my age" (And bonuses" tied to" his shoe size ?)" I am very detail-oreinted" (With the possible exception of spelling)" I can play well with others" (We'll be sure to tell your mommy)" Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel" (A new twist on work-family balance)" Objection: To utilize my skills in sales" (Have you considered law school ?)" My salary requirement is $34 per year" (They say money isn't everything)" Served as assistant sore manager" (Ouch)" Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle" (So you're willing to travel ?)" Previous experience: Self-employed-a ...

... with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, & say," Sorry, wrong rack" Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house-dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle loudly, & shout" Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out & trice up" Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 am while she reads it to you. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 3 pm. Empty all the garbage bins in your house & sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, & randomly lose ...

... a tempting craft, And gazing down the oven's shaft, I start to wonder if I can, cook a dinner in a pan. The cooking magic I will work! No more will I be a takeout jerk! I'll prove to the world what I can be! I'll make a meal just for you and me. Into the kitchen with brave strides, I walk like a wolf with focused eyes. And thinking back to high school days, I recollect my mother's cooking ways. Spaghetti? Oh, that sounds good! I grab the package where I stood. Meatballs I shall add to the deal. They'll make an even better meal. My mother always said to add the veggies, but they make me mad. To top it off I'll put oil in the pan, I've heard olive oil will make it grand. I say a prayer, turn the knob, And a blue flame begins to throb. It's magic, that's ...

... , smug in the knowledge that my closet doors were closed and by outward appearances anyway, my house was in order. I showed her the master bedroom, feeling pleased with myself because I ’ d actually made the bed that day. We were standing right in front of the closed closet, and I was about to triumphantly usher my guest out when my preschool-age daughter, wanting to be part of the tour, opened the closet door saying, “ And here is Mommy ’ s closet ” She barely got the words out before a tower of stuff literally poured out of the closet like a tsunami, some of it coming to rest on my astonished neighbor ’ s feet. She hasn ’ t been back to my house since then. For a while after that, I was ashamed enough to keep my closet reasonably tidy. But gradually, pieces of clothing deserted their hangers and ran rampant on the floor. Unauthorized objects crept back in, ...

... I set out to find him. Stepping outdoors gave me escape from my daughters ' shrieking, but it also put me in a position to witness my son's attempt to ride his bicycle over a small jump in the yard. Due to his adversarial relationship with gravity, he wound up crashing into a muddy hole, filthy water soaking every surface. Grinning, he gave me a thumbs up." Did you see that awesome fall ?" he called. I pictured his mother's reaction when she saw what he had done to his last clean pants, and sighed. Maybe by the time the photographer got here, the only thing left to take a picture of would be our chalk outlines on the floor. [by W. Bruce Cameron 2000, 2003 (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes! Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like," You know sometimes I just forget to eat" Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said," Body, how'd you like to go to ...

... the hope that your child won't get that disease. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes. You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's mother. You use your own saliva to clean your child's face. You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back the second time. You can't bear to give away baby clothes -it's so final. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say," Not in your good clothes !" You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you. You read that the average five-year-old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is above average. You say at least once a day, I'm not cut out for this job, but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational ...

... breath, I waved my arms and gasped," A man got hit !" Dad Heck feigned shock and leaned down low to hear my childish bit." He got hit by a*peacock*and guess what, I 'bout forgot. They took that man away, and put him in the*piddle-pot *! Dad Heck said," What ?!" I stomped my foot and yelled," Lissen to me! A*peacock *! To the*piddle-pot *! Ask Mommy and you'll see !" Then Dad Heck phoned my mother the whole story, blow-by-blow. She laughed and laughed," We heard it on this morning's radio !" With unchecked glee, she told what muddled my 4-year-old head:" A man, hit by a pickup. to the hospital ," she said. Well, many moons have passed and now I'm more sophisticated, Still, memories recall that day when I was far less jaded. And when in Heav'n I get to ...

... and let it simmer for 24 hours until there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left. KREPLACH It sounds worse than it tastes. There is a Rabbinical debate on its origins. One Rabbi claims it began when a fortune cookie fell into his chicken soup. The other claims it started in an Italian restaurant. Either way it can be soft, hard, or soggy and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother or your mother-in-law who cooked it. CHOLENT This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes, and bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes into contact with. At a fancy Mexican restaurant (kosher of course) I once heard this comment from a youngster who had just had his first taste of Mexican fried beans: 'What! Do they serve leftover cholent here too? ...

... as large as my thighs and wings you could park a car under. Words cannot describe the delight on my wife's face when my neighbors help me carry the bird into the refrigerator, where, following the instructions, it is left to thaw for a period of six months. (My wife often has several interesting but impractical suggestions on where else we might stick the turkey for this thawing procedure) Cooking begins around Halloween, a slow roasting process which varies from my mother's recipe in that there are no flames or threats of divorce" if anybody says a word about how the turkey tastes" I enjoy every step of turkey preparation, particularly since I am not involved in any of it. Well, that's not entirely true -at one point, I am asked to reach into the mouth of the turkey and retrieve the giblets, which turns out to be a bag of what looks like pieces of Jimmy Hoffa. (I realize I am not ...

... tell her you dialed the wrong number ?"" Well, yes, except, well, no. You see, I have these nimble fingers"" You got to be the stupidest human on the face of the earth. I never heard of anyone so stupid. You're dumber than a, like -what are those animals that stand there eating grass ?"" Cows ?"" No, not cows, you idiot! I know what a cow is"" Well your mother's no genius either; she said her number was unlisted, as if"" No one calls my mother stupid! I'm on my way over, buddy. What's your address ?"" Ha !" I barked, slamming down the receiver. So you can see my complaint: This telephonic malfunction very nearly led to me being forced to put some jerk in the hospital. I trust that the FCC will look into the matter.-Bruce Cameron-[ by W. Bruce ...

... possible words. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention. I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my ...

... discovered this, he suggested the two of us box." You mean hit each other ?" I asked nervously. Even at that age, I had begun to develop a strong aversion to being socked in the face, a phobia which persists to this day." Just on the gloves, we'll only punch each other's gloves ," he explained. Well, that seemed reasonable. I dashed inside to suit up, the brave prizefighter being readied for the match by his mommy. My father was reading the newspaper in the living room with my sisters and, fatefully, Patty." Brad and I are going to box !" I blurted. I always measured the degree to which my words impacted my father by the distance he lowered the paper to peer at me over its top edge. My announcement apparently interested him a great deal, because he dropped the sports section a full eight inches. The only time he'd reacted more strongly was when I'd ...

... It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!" Who's been eating my porridge" he squeaks? Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty!" Who's been eating my porridge !," he roars? Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells," For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this ?"" It was 'Momma Bear ' who got up first"" It was 'Momma Bear ' who woke everybody else in the house up"" It was 'Momma Bear ' who made the Coffee"" It was 'Momma Bear ' who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away"" It was 'Momma ...

... Only a Mother Only a Mother... Can listen to the same knock-knock joke 27 times without hollering" Nobody's Home" Will be a Scrabble partner with a kid who thinks" cookie" begins with" k" Will unwind 56 feet of toilet paper so her little darling can have the empty roll. to make a Mother's Day present. Knows the location of every drive-through window in town. Knows the exact temperature a crayon will melt on the dashboard. Will try to hide a leafy green vegetable in a cookie. Knows the secret to happy grocery shopping with a toddler .visit the bakery aisle first and plug his lips with a big cream horn. Can cherish the 1, 000th bleating of" Twinkle, Twinkle" from a budding violinist. Will show up at work wearing Mickey Mouse stickers on her posterior. Sees a Picasso in those scribbles decorating the fridge. Knows all the verses to" This Old Man" Can deal out ...

... 'Twas The Fight Before Christmas 'Twas the fight before Christmas when all through the house Not a good deed was stirring, and Dad was a louse! Their mother was angry and loaded with care, 'Cause the gift list was longer than ever this year! The children were nagging for gifts worth a ton, And Dad was convinced," Christmas just isn't fun !" With Mom's loud complaining, and Dad mad at all, They loaded the car for the trip to the mall! They stopped first at Sears to buy Grandma a platter, At Wards Sis tried on jeans that confirmed she was fatter! They stopped at the ATM for some more cash, And saw their new neighbors with THEIR Christmas stash! Hearts sank as they saw what their neighbors could spend," We've got to buy more !" Everybody chimed in! When, what to their shopping red eyes should appear, But a sign with the answer to their Christmas fear." ...

... and adolescent angst oozing from every pore. This extraterrestrial I once called flesh and blood, whose mood swings dwarf the Grand Canyon, seems intent on bungee jumping from that rickety bridge connecting a child with adulthood. And I think he plans on dragging his rapidly aging mother along for the ride. A drastic language change was the first indication of alien infestation in my once-cherished offspring. The rosy-cheeked cherub who used to run to me, eyes shining with adoration and shouting" Mommy !" began to address me (and everyone else) as" Dude" At 13 months, he was a sponge, joyfully soaking up new words, becoming more communicative every day. At 13 years, the hormones surging through his body have cut a swath through the speech center in his brain; his mouth, when it speaks at all, produces mere shrunken shreds of complete sentences apparently understood only by other members of his species." S'up" is a perfectly acceptable ...

... , the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle! Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? Dear God, When my foster mom's friend comes over to our house, he smells like musk! What's he been rolling around in? Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps? Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please. Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in? Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ...

... , listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line. If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly & carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you ...

... gives up privileges he never realized he had. 2) A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so. JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT: A handy little device which permits the wife to beat the husband to the draw. LOVE: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. MISS: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. MISTRESS: Something between a mister and a mattress. MOTHER-IN-LAW: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers. MRS: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition. SPOUSE: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place. WIFE: A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet. ...

... Donny Did you really mean Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You, because if you did then I'm going to fix my brother. Darla Dear God, When you made the first man did he work as good as we do now? Tom Dear God My grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis Dear God, I know all about where babies come from. I think. From inside mommies and daddies put them there. Where are they before that? Do you have them in heaven? How do they get down here? Do you have to take care of them all first. Please answer all my questions. I always think of you. Yours truly Susan FERVENT WISHES, SUGGESTIONS AND COMPLAINTS Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce Dear God How come you didn't invent any new animals lately? We ...

... make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying," Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up !" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said," Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny ?"" No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself !"-Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face." Why do you do that, mommy ?" he asked." To make myself beautiful ," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue." What's the matter ?" asked Little Johnny." Giving up ?"-The math teacher saw that Little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said," Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44 ?" Little Johnny quickly replied," NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network !"-At Sunday ...

... game – a chaotic mix of men pushing, shoving and bellowing, slobber and obscenities flying. And that's just the fans. But my boy has been hooked from an early age, spending countless hours watching, playing and dreaming about football. He's consumed whole forests of paper drawing intricate plays marked with Xs and Os. And I've grown tearful remembering other Xs and Os my sweet child long ago scribbled on construction-paper cards, right under the words" I Love You, Mommy" I've tried, occasionally, to fight back. Once, I suggested he end a six-hour football fest and read a book. But my son has the same regard for reading that I have for cellulite, and his withering response cut me to the quick." Print is dead, Mom. Nobody reads anymore"" There is no way ," I wailed," no way you came from my loins !" He gave me a blank look." What's a loin ...

... replay on the local cable program: Candid Clergy. Put a bumper sticker on your car:" I'd rather not be counseling" Refer them to a helpful article in your favorite professional journal: the National Enquirer. Suggest counseling by fax machine. In front of the counselee, phone your spouse and ask for his or her opinion on what to do. Recite tales of people who are a lot worse off, and call the counselee a crybaby. Engage the counselee's mother-in-law as a co-therapist. [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies ' (Andychap @aol.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Mom Was Right Among my mother's many bits of sage advice was that if a guy didn't like kids and pets, don't bother with him because he probably possessed no patience or sense of humor. Another was to be careful of what you wish for. When my husband and I were first married many years ago, two of the first things on our priority list when we could finally afford to move into our own home (where pets and kids would definitely be allowed ), was of course, to get a puppy and have a baby. We bought a beautiful little Shelty that we named Rusty, and made plans to start our family. One of my favorite memories, of this era in our lives, was when my husband came home from work or an errand. The first thing he would do is drop everything, and greet Rusty by grabbing his little face, gently shaking his head back and forth, saying with a lot of ...

... driveway and drive in a parkway. And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on. And in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop? [Author Unknown-from 'Bill Rayborn ' (bills-punch-line @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... the plague is equivalent to having actually done it. Okay, the stage is set. Now here's the drill. Retire to whatever room of the house in which you prefer to spend your Saturday morning. Place a dirty rag within easy reach. (Warning: This is a prop. This is only a prop. Actually using the rag will invalidate this procedure and render you ineligible for any further training) In the event your nosy neighbor, gossipy sister-in-law, judgmental mother-in-law or obsessively clean mother drops by (and they will ), you'll be prepared. Clad in your scruffiest clothes, smelling like lemon-fresh something-or-other, eyes watering from the pine fumes, dusted in vanilla-scented carpet deodorizer, and with dirty rag in hand, you rush to the door. (Note: Rushing is important. Practice your harried" you caught me right in the middle of things" look) They will have come to deliver one of the following messages:" Keep your ...

... eat me out of house and home. and drink up all my beer. I love the decorations, and the sleigh bells in the snow But I wish those pesky relatives would take their kids and go. Those cookie crunchers fed the dog a twenty pound rib roast. His feet are sticking in the air like skinny old fence posts. Now they're in a free-for-all, the girls against the boys. They're fighting over boxes 'cause they're bored with all their toys My mother-in-law is snoring in my favorite TV chair. Those kids are stringing lights on her and tinseling her hair I oughta wake her up before the fireworks begin. But I wanna see those blue sparks fly when they plug her in. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... blew over from the house, sir"" The house? The house burned down, too? How did the house burn down ?"" Well, sir, we think someone must have knocked over a candle"" Oh. A candle? Wait a moment-did the power go off? Why were candles being used ?"" They were being used for the wake, sir"" The wake ?!? Whose wake? For pity's sake"" Actually, your mother's, sir. She passed away quite suddenly"" Oh my Lord. Mother is dead. The house is gone, along with the stable. Even my dog is dead. What did Mother die of ?"" It must have been the shock, sir"" The shock"" Yes, sir, the shock. When your wife ran off with the handyman the day after you left, sir. But aside from all that, it's been fairly quiet while you've ...

... 25 checkout lanes and only three open at any given time. Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from going completely idle-there's so much to learn! I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any. I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get the 13 things on my list I forgot. I can be one of those annoying cell phone users and catch up on all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law, and Auntie Anne. I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drive home. I can assess what other people have in their carts and get exciting new dinner ideas. I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plenty of drying time. I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning. I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in the we-never-open-enough-checkout-lane store instead of my purse. I can practice my standup comedy routines ...

... disrespectful to adults. I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me. I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flowerbeds and cocklebur's out of dad's fields. I was drug to the homes of family, friends and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed. Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in ...

... the most common affliction in human history. The cause of DND is not yet known; some scientists believe that using a word over 100, 000 times in the course of a lifetime may simply fade that word from long-term memory; mothers simply reach the lifetime limit earlier because they must repeat themselves so often. Other scientists hold up the two-year old child as proof positive that the repetition of a word more than 100, 000 times (in this case, the word Mommy) does not cause selective noun amnesia. Although modern science may never be able to cure DND or discover what exactly causes it, we as mothers and fellow sufferers can still help one another to recognize the illness and learn to live in harmony with it. The next time you hear yourself shouting," CLAUDIA-CODY-BETSY-LOGAN-JILL. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! GET IN HERE !", you can comfort yourself with the knowledge that mothers all over the world are doing the same thing. [ ...

... on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking," What is it exactly we are doing here ?" Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said," Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job" This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss." Honey ," I confessed," I've ...