... applicants for British citizenship must pass: The ability to express the full range of human emotion by gentle throat clearing. The ability to drink a full pint of warm flat beer (non-alcoholic beer is permitted, but in this case two pints must be consumed). The ability to complement the cook after consuming a dinner of cold mashed potatoes, cold peas, and cold burnt meat. The ability to instinctively know if it's tea first or milk first. The ability to praise the French while clearly indicating that since 1066 they've pretty much been a bunch of losers. The ability to praise the Americans while clearly indicating that they got lucky that one time in the late 1700s. And finally... The ability to utter the phrase:" British Way of Life" without cracking even the hint of a smile. [Author Unknown-from 'Joke du Jour ' (JdJ @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Ten Inches A boy was sitting on a park bench with one hand resting on an open Bible. He was loudly exclaiming his praise to God." Hallelujah! Hallelujah! God is great !" he yelled without worrying whether anyone heard him or not. Shortly after, along came a man who had recently completed some studies at a local university. Feeling himself very enlightened in the ways of truth and very eager to show this enlightenment, he asked the boy about the source of his joy." Hey ," asked the boy in return with a bright laugh," don't you have any idea what God is able to do? I just read that God opened up the waves of the Red Sea and led the whole nation of Israel right through the middle" The enlightened man laughed lightly, sat down next to the boy and began to try to open his eyes to the" realities" of the miracles of the Bible." That ...

... is lounging beside the grill, a beer in hand, mentally summoning his forces for the task ahead. He is also being counseled by the other beer-swilling men in his backyard brigade on the latest in meat-searing strategies. When he is ready, The General performs the most important part of the process, the act that only a member of the male species can competently pull off: HE PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL! The other men stand by, lavishing him with praise for his efforts. Old Blood and Guts receives their adulation as his due reward, his chest swelling with pride. Meanwhile, I go inside to set the table. Then I go back outside to inform my boss of broiling that the meat is burning, something that seems to have escaped the attention of all the grill groupies gathered around the fire. Maybe they were blinded by their beer cans. “ Woman, I can see that for myself ,” The General growls, ...

... light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Grandma [Author Unknown-Contributed by: Lisa] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... after the first 20 hours, most students have established a learning curve. He said there was a slight bend in mine. A-ha -progress! THURSDAY: Did stalls. Clean recovery. Instructor said I did good job. Also did turns around a point. Instructor warned me never to pick ex fiance's house as point again. FRIDAY: Did pattern work. Instructor said that if downwind, air base and final approach formed a triangle, I would be perfect. More praise! WEEK 4 MONDAY: First landing at a controlled field. Did fine until I told the captain in the 747 ahead of us on taxiway to move his bird. Instructor says we'll have ground school all this week on radio procedures. TUESDAY: Asked instructor if everyone in his family had turned gray at such an early age. He smiled. We did takeoff stalls. He says I did just fine but to wait until we reach altitude next time. Three Niner Juliet ...

... more to golf than just riding around in carts breaking up geese dates. He taught me how to raise the club slowly behind me in a smooth, controlled motion designed to look good in Buick commercials. Then, uncoiling like a spring, the body twists and the club whips around blindingly fast to send the ball soaring with such speed it appears to vanish in the clouds." Wow ," I breathed, awed at my prowess." That was great ," Jack praised, impressed with my natural athleticism." With just a little more concentration, you should be able to hit the ball" Eventually I developed the following system for successfully hitting a bucket of balls at the driving range. Swing club. Swing club again. Swing club again and again and again. Kick ball. Kick bucket of balls. Hit bucket of balls with golf club. Beg golf pro to come out of the club house, promising to restrain temper. Eventually ...

... Catholic Dictionary Time to brush up even if you're not Catholic! You never know when, or by whom, you might be tested! AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass. CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync. HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range. INCENSE: Holy Smoke! JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams. JONAH: The original" Jaws" story. JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own. KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower. MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an ...

... soft," I'm-a-psychologist-and-you're-a-me tal-patient" tone of voice. Duchess nodded. At the end of the session, my daughter asked me to pay for it. Apparently I am her dog's health insurance carrier. On the way home, I tested my new language skills." Duchess, when you pull your head in from out the car window and sneeze all over me, it makes me unhappy because I don't like dog slobber on my face"" See ?" my daughter praised." Was that so hard ?"~Bruce Cameron~[ by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2004, (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power. Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage. Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on. Ecstasy: The feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before. Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read. Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth. Etc: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together. Experience: The name men give to ...

... I was an actual advice columnist, contacted me asking for additional suggestions because the tips I offered did not seem to be working for them (or because they didn ’ t want to actually help out around the house). In the future, this type of reader will have to pay me the same hourly rate charged by real therapists. You ’ ll be glad to hear that I will offer some discounts to help with these humor delivery charges. Any reader who praises me lavishly to friends or even strangers on the street will receive a Laugh Offset Loan (LOL) that can be used against future levies. And any reader who contacts my editor and uses terms to describe me such as “ genius ” and “ should be paid more ” will get a year ’ s worth of free laughs. I truly appreciate your understanding during these hard times for humor. I accept cash or credit cards.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights ...