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... reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation," Pray for me! Pray for me !" ~~~~~~ A daddy was listening to his child say his ... " Dear Harold". At this, dad interrupted and said," Wait a minute," How come you called God," Harold "? The little boy looked up and ... Childern's Prayers One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was" acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order ...

... demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to pray too. Meyer hand-made a miniature yamulke for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to ... two of them during services. The parrot was still perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed. but not a peep from the bird. Meyer become annoyed, slapping ... the weekends. They both went to sleep. Next morning, Meyer began saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot ...

... kissed right in church. Is that ok? Neil Dear God I like the Lords prayer best of all. Did you have to write it alot or did you get it right ... , SUGGESTIONS AND COMPLAINTS Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce Dear God How come you didn't invent any new animals lately ... a friend, Simon Dear God, I think about you sometimes even when I'm not praying. Elliott Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to love all of ...

... protested and said," Pastor, I've never been to church in my life. How am I supposed to know how to pray in public in only the second church service I've ever attended. The preacher said," That's OK. I have a plan. ... First Time Prayer A man came to church for the very first time in his life. He heard a sermon that really tugged at his heart strings and felt the need to answer the invitation to become a Christian. When he shared his story about never having ...

... A Cowboy's Prayer Jake the rancher went one day to fix a distant fence. The wind was cold and gusty and the clouds rolled gray and dense As he pounded the last staples in and gathered tools to go, The temperature had fallen and the snow began ... ' score-in Heaven time is free." I've always heard ," Jake said to Pete," that God will answer prayers." But the one time that I asked for help, He just plain wasn't there." Does God answer prayers of some ...

... was a small matter for him to persuade Miss Swickey to direct. She closed her eyes for a moment and uttered a silent prayer for strength. Then, once again, she leaped into the fray." Now children, we only have another hour or so ... told you to do"" Yes, Pastor. I did. It worked real well. And thanks for helping me by praying, too"" It wasn't me ," the pastor said." Your help came from an entirely different source"" What do ...

... Kitty Prayer Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray this cushy life to keep. I pray for toys that look like mice, And sofa cushions, soft and nice. I pray for gourmet kitty snacks, And someone nice to scratch my back ... Kitty Prayer Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray this cushy life to keep. I pray for toys that look like mice, And sofa cushions, soft and nice. I pray for gourmet kitty snacks, And someone nice to scratch my back ...

... A Single Woman's Prayer Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong. Who's not afraid to admit when he is wrong One who thinks before he speaks. When he promises ... A Single Woman's Prayer Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong. Who's not afraid to admit when he is wrong One who thinks before he speaks. When he promises ...

... important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime"" God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything ... to talk and walk, He can just leave that to mothers and fathers"" God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime"" ...

... Power of Prayer In a small Texas town, a new tavern business started constructing a building in which to open up a bar. The local Baptist church began a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed, however right up ... the week before opening, when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground. The church folks were rather smug in their outlook until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his building, either ...

... today; but they did have a few advantages: In 1909, fathers prayed their children would learn English. Today, fathers pray their children will speak English. In 1909, a father's horsepower meant his horses. Today, it's the size of his minivan. ... 1909 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages: In 1909, fathers prayed their children would learn English. Today, fathers pray their children will speak English. In 1909, a father's horsepower meant his horses ...

... money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota ** Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City ** Dear Pastor, ... to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens ** Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh ** ...

... worship. Halftime-The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave Benchwarmer-Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit. Backfield-in-Motion-Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during ... of 50 %of the congregation not to return for the evening service. Blitz-The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer. [Author Unknown-from 'The Funnies '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... To Reduce Your Counseling Load Prison Life vs Job Health And Household Tips Courses Women Wish For Men Chocolate Is A Vegetable A Cowboys Prayer Rules For Kids Medical Misstatements Think You Are Having A Bad Day Airline Humor Mom's Bath Note Best Singles Ad Over The Hill When Light ... Church Signs Church Improvements Church Chain Of Command Church Football Church Bloopers Choir Proficiency Test Christmas Lights Childs Sermon Childs Bill Of Rights Child Prayers Child's Cowboy Boots Check'up Catholic Horses Catholic Dictionary Catholic Community Cat Resolutions Cat Person Cat Laws Cat In Heaven Cat Food Castaway Cat's Computer Dictionary ...

... 21 On-going KIDS KORNER 22 On-going LBD Conspiracy The F Word A Bachelors Kitchen Guide A Change In Plans A Computer Christmas A Cowboys Prayer A Cowgirl A Daily Survival Kit A Debt Free Holiday A Dieters Christmas A Dogs Letters To God A Dogs Life A Dummies Guide A ... Cat Quiz Cat Resolutions Catholic Community Catholic Dictionary Catholic Horses Celebrating Christmas Change A Light Bulb Check'up Chewing On Chores Child's Cowboy Boots Child Prayers Child Rearing FAQ Childern As Pets Childs Bill Of Rights Childs Sermon Chocolate Is A Vegetable Choir Director -Pastor Choir Proficiency Test Christmas Downsizing Christmas ...

... Day Old Couple At McDonald's End Of Good Desserts Colorado Musings Theory Of M & M Evolution Dear Santa Perfect Retirement Plan A Cowboys Prayer Medical Misstatements Answering Machine Messages Golfing In Hell Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder You Know You Are Getting Older When Porsche Think About It Golf ... The Holiday Rabbit Reasearch Lab The Language Of Science The First Parent Free Cat KIDS KORNER 14 On-going Unspoken Rules The Mommy Test Child Prayers A Mother's Dictionary Quick Round Of Golf Old Lame Signs How To Speak English Properly Quiz -Know Everything Little Johnny -Aptitude Test Deer Hunting How ...

... me a sign to prove it to them !" It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the minister finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved." A sign from God! See ... , I knew it !" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days. So the minister prayed again:" Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please ...

... a sign to prove it to them !" It was a beautiful, sunny day, but as soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved." A sign from God! See ... , I knew it !" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days. So the rabbi prayed again" Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong !" This time four ...

... in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my ... sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection ...

... a preacher, but at least he was an optimist. When you lose your place in your sermon notes, a well placed prayer can help distract the congregation and give you time to get things back on track. If you have repeated yourself more than three times ... the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable. The latter is preferable to the former. No matter how hard you have studied and prayed, some sermons seem to barely get out of your mouth before they drop on the floor in front of the first pew. Whatever ...

... my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer psalm says," Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life ," so I guess I'll just have to ... is she following us ?"" Well ," Timmy explained," every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer psalm says," Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me ...

... runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts both paws on the husband's forehead and then bows his head in prayer." Oh look !" the wife exclaims." He's Pentecostal !" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] ... Praying Dog and Boy Religious Puppies A Baptist couple decided that they wanted to get a dog. As they are walking down the street in town, they notice a sign in the pet shop advertising" Christian Puppies" Their interest piqued, they go inside. ...

... Lord !" That very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet:" Dear God, bless this food which I am about to receive" [Author Unknown-from ... the ferocious bear was charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move." oh, Lord," the preacher prayed," I'm sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me one wish: Please ...

... Pope and the Lord's Prayer After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor. The Pope says," What can I do?" The Colonel says," I need you to change the Lord's prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread ' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican" The Pope replies," I am sorry. That is ...

... and lay an egg on the altar. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of a new carpet. All of those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and do so. Thursday night-Potluck supper-prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. The Ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the basement on Saturday. For those of you who have children and ...

... Golf Prayer A golfer who was well into his golden years had a lifelong ambition to play one hole at Pebble Beach, California, the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on a spit of land that just out off the coast. It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball always fell short, into the water. Because of this he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one ...

... Things Learned at Bible School With your eyes closed for prayer, anything can happen in a room full of preschoolers. Prayer requests reveal a lot about parents. A fire extinguisher is a handy device. Helium tanks should be chained down tightly. Cheap glue adheres to skin. Kool Aid and song motions do not mix. Grand pianos are not as durable as you might think. Church maintenance men do not have a sense of humor. Offering money always rolls to the other side of the room when dropped. Ushers do ...

... The Senility Prayer-Getting Older God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm 'older ' here are 16 things I've discovered: I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded ...

... Dog Learns Patience. Patience Prayer Lord, help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing. Lord, give me patience, and I mean right NOW! Lord, help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly ?) Lord, help me to finish everything I sta Lord, help me to keep my mind on one th-Look, a bird-ing at a time. Lord, help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the ...

... A Kitty's Prayer Now I lay me down to sleep, The king-size bed is soft and deep. I sleep right in the center groove My human can not hardly move! I've trapped her legs, she's tucked in tight And here is where I pass the night No one disturbs me or dares intrude Till morning comes and" I want food !" I sneak up slowly to begin my nibbles on my human's chin. She wakes up quickly, my claws they are prickly For the morning's here and it's time to play I ...

... of love and appreciation. Thou shalt not speak too often of the former pastor, and when thou dost, may it be kindly. Thou shalt not forget the new pastoral family at Christmas and on their birthdays with thoughtful remembrance. Thou shalt not forget to pray for the new pastor and (her / his) family regularly. [Author unknown-from 'John A. Bright ' (johnlynnbright @gmail.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... *Definition: Persons who are shut-in during bath weather.*Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas.*The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working.*Volunteers are needed to spit up food.*Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess.*We pray that our people will jumble themselves. [Author Unknown-from Lisa, via Frank Morris] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons ?"" Brothers, we must take this to the Lord ," said the Rabbi. They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed the clouds opened and a mighty voice stated:" Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel" [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... not me? Shouldn't I get the cottage and 50 acres instead ?" St. Peter just laughs and says:" The reason you get all this is because when the priest preached, everyone fell asleep. Now, when you drove your bus, people really prayed !" [Original source unknown-from Dwayne] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... : a non-prophet organization. Why settle for the lesser of two evils? Photons have mass !? I didn't even know they were Catholic. A diagnostic is someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. I am an agnostic pagan. I doubt the existence of many gods. I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things; right now, ...

... horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the past seven years. I no longer have any money at all ...

... Trading Places A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed-Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the ...

... an apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd intended to call his wife. The man said," That's OK. Let me tell you my story. You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday night, but before I did, I prayed, 'God if you're there, and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now. 'At that point my telephone started to ring. I looked at the caller ID, and it said: 'Almighty God ' I was afraid to answer !" ...

... strength to even use the TV remote, and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the harpy 2 ), will choose a gift for me that is fun-maybe something like a root canal or a vasectomy. [Author Unknown-from 'Lab Laughs ' (LABLaughsClean @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights ...

... conversation with the one up still doing homework. In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list She said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals. About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular." I'm going to bed" And he did .without another thought. Any thing extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer? ...

... , we're going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it. In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say trespass against us, ' which isn't right, but what can you do? Da use of cell phones on da plane is ...

... and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan. Pest control companies keep pestering you for your recipes. You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware. Your family prays AFTER they eat! [Author Unknown-from 'Pastor Tim '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Yew kin*quote*me on that. Ain't had no luck with Love, folks Bin burnt until I smell, I shoulda read that ole church sign:" No Fire Exits in Hell !". 'N ' when God comes ta beam me up I pray I'm not too fat, When my time comes, I'm OUTTA here~Yew kin*quote*me on that. [by: Connie Hinnen Cook (cjcook @mynewroads.com)-from Connie Hinnen Cook] Inspirational Poems SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... minute Sermonette, and the 7.5 Percent Tithe" Every illustration the preacher uses somehow refers to" those hilarious Budweiser frogs". The missions budget just got cut in half, but the church treasurer just bought a" kickin" new Harley. Elders Council" prayer meetings" usually break up in a fight for the remote control. New" Purpose-Driven" mission statement includes vague reference to jello-wrestling. Most frequent complaint to worship committee:" Too much Charo, not enough Elvis" New head greeters: Mike Tyson and WWF President ...

... you don't know what you're preaching on Sunday. A church picnic is no picnic-for you. You've ever spoken for free and were worth every penny. You said it's Sunday, but Monday's coming! You wonder why the tax seminar leader didn't open with prayer. Instead of getting" ticked off ," you get" grieved in your spirit" You've ever been tempted to take an offering at a family reunion. You'd rather talk to people with every head bowed and every eye closed. You've ever wanted to" lay hands ...

... That's just Shirley Goodnest ," Timmy replied," and her daughter Marcy"" Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us ?"" Well ," Timmy explained," every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life ," so I guess I'll just have to get used to it! [Author Unknown-from 'Andychaps_the-funnies ' ...

... . I'll take off my socks and throw one away, And play in the mud until the end of the day! When I'm an old lady and live with my kids. And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh, I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes. My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping, And say with a groan," She's so sweet when she's sleeping !" [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments ' (TheBible @USA.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights ...

... Tips For Being Handy If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help. What you may have been told by your mother, praying is helpful in home repair. Work in the kitchen whenever you can. many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator. If it's electronic, get a new one. or consult a twelve-year-old. Stay simple minded ...

... on your door for years. Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong. The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience:" And in conclusion" If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has. Not only are the sins of the fathers visited upon the children, but nowadays the sins of the children are visited upon the fathers. God Himself does not propose to judge a man till he is dead. So why should you ...

... was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11am, all the doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11. Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner. STILL think you're having a ...

... his back was so jerked out'a line that he thought he might have to have surgery. But I want you to know that when we drove past the golf course, there he was, hittin ' golf balls on the drivin ' range. Hallelujah, our prayers worked! Edna Brump sent word with her sister that she wouldn't make it 'cause her stomach was all upset and she didn't want to take a chance on havin ' a mishap in the church. But glory! There she was, standin ' in line at the ...

... kept going." Oh, no. Bible!. Church!. Please Stop !", shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge. Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer." Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, in Jesus name, AMEN" The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff." HALLELUJAH !", shouted the ...

... What My Mother Taught Me My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:" If you're going to kill each other, do it outside-I just finished cleaning !" My mother taught me RELIGION:" You better pray that will come out of the carpet" My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:" If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week !" My mother taught me LOGIC:" Because I said so, that's why !" My mother taught me FORESIGHT ...

... in heaven" Surprised, she looked at me and said," Still ?" I know what heaven is like, because I was there. God makes people when He thinks of them, and then they wait to be born. Our six-year-old, Rachel, prayed," God, they keep telling us You love us kids. But I'm wondering: If You know my older brother, do You think he'll ever get to heaven ?" Grandma's gone to heaven, and she'll be happy there, because there's a Dairy Queen ( ...

... and the playing of the little children of my loins. Now I fear that a great inclination seizes this hair of Douglass, with the making of a horrible momentum that seeks to cleave the sheltering and disrupt the napping of the father of my offspring. I pray you'll sing the ribbons of restraint and petition the linked chewer to formerly see the dried plumbing of those perilous offshoots of trunk, of which my compatriot Fred exposed electrifying laziness, with not a bruising of crown nor canceling of the eyes of the house. Upon autopsy ...

... of the ninety-three students filing into the already crowded auditorium. With rich maroon gowns flowing and the traditional caps, they looked almost as grown up as they felt. Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and moms freely brushed away tears. This class would not pray during the commencements-not by choice but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it. The principal and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling. They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one ...

... when the teacher feels his / her worst. No matter how many bulletins you print, you'll always need one more. A member living 15 miles away will be 15 minutes early; Members living two blocks will be 15 minutes late. Saying" Let us Pray" or singing" Just as I Am" causes babies to cry. The shorter the agenda, the longer the business meeting. Business meetings ALWAYS last at least 15 minutes longer than they should. (So do some sermons) Church committees should be made up ...

... . They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime they want" There was silence for a moment. The pastor said," That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight" The doctor said," Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them" The engineer said," Why can't these guys play at night ?" ENGINEERS-TAKE THREE What is ...

... unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards. While people are locating the announced congregational song, step out in the aisle and begin waving your arms as if directing the hymn. Sit close to the front, and during the prayer, turn around backwards, point, and count softly how many people do not have their heads bowed and eyes closed. See how many hard candies you can stuff in your cheeks before anyone catches you. Begin coughing and get louder and louder until you get to ...

... Sister Eulalia" She threw it out of the window to him. He picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street. The next day she was in her room saying her prayers when she was told that a man was at her door who insisted on seeing her. She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll of bills. When she asked what the bills were for ...

... teach you in my verse Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse. I will keep you, Suzy, busy, Make your head with heat grow dizzy. Tear in eye, your dress will tear. So shall I! Oh hear my prayer. Just compare heart, beard, and heard, Dies and diet, lord and word, Sword and sward, retain and Britain. (Mind the latter, how it's written) Now I surely will not plague you With such words as plaque and ague. ...

... True to form, my family began discussing religion and politics, and things got heated. First names of presidential candidates were tossed around as weapons-Hillary-Hater and Rudy-Retard, among others and then someone brought the Good Lord into it. I ll pray for you , said one on the right side of the political spectrum to one on the left. You need all the help you can get Wisely, before things really got out of hand, we moved into the fourth phase segregation of the sexes ...

... nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the bayou and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely ...

... . The tree went" bong !" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed," Lord, I just commit this kitten to Your keeping ," and went on about his business. A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed ...

... disappoint the Pastor. The mayor immediately began to rant and rave. After his continued rant at the pastor, the mayor finally said," Why did you call me any way? Isn't your job to bury the dead ?" The pastor paused for a brief prayer, and asked the Lord to direct his response. The lord led the pastor to the words he was seeking," Yes, Mayor, it IS my job to bury the dead, BUT I always like to notify the next of kin first !" [Author ...

... to the deal. They'll make an even better meal. My mother always said to add the veggies, but they make me mad. To top it off I'll put oil in the pan, I've heard olive oil will make it grand. I say a prayer, turn the knob, And a blue flame begins to throb. It's magic, that's why it's so blue, It'll make my tasty dinner stew. It starts to boil soon enough, And the bubbles make the oil rough. Then lo 'n-behold it starts to ...

... Catholic Dictionary Time to brush up even if you're not Catholic! You never know when, or by whom, you might be tested! AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass. CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync. HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range. INCENSE: Holy Smoke ...

... Cajun Ten Commandments The Ten Commandments in Cajun. (Keeps it REAL Simple) God is number one. and das ' All. Don't pray to nuthin ' or nobody. jus ' God. Don't cuss nobody. 'specially da Good Lord. When it be Sunday. pass yo'self by God's House. Yo mama an ' yo daddy dun did it all. lissen to dem. Killin ' duck an ' fish, das ' OK. people-No! God done give you a wife. sleep wit ' jus ' ...

... and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan. Pest control companies keep pestering you for your recipes. You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware. Your family prays AFTER they eat! [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... is my constitutional guarantee, and its my choice of what I read, or what I watch on T.V. I have the freedom of religion, and regardless to what you say, I don't have to ask your God for help-I don't have to pray. IT SAID: I can wear an earring in my ear, and if I want to-I can pierce my nose, It's my choice if I so desire, to tattoo Satan's numbers-across my toes. Hey, if ever again you try to ...

... experts. Read and reflect on each situation and then select the option that will enhance the quality of the performance. You are entering the choir loft on Sunday morning and suddenly trip and fall down. You should: Assume a kneeling position and break into fervent prayer. Pretend that you've had a heart attack. Crawl into the nearest chair. Begin speaking in tongues. You are a soprano and count incorrectly. As a result you boom out a high" C" one measure too soon. You should: Slide into an ...

... outside sign to read," The Resurrection is postponed" People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are. God so loved the world that He did not send a committee. Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush! When down in the mouth, remember Jonah; he came out all right! Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday. Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily. How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Nonsmoking? Dusty ...

... Church Humor Most people don't realize how much editing goes into a church bulliten or newsletter. Some announcements have to be completely rewritten because if they appeared the way they were submitted, it would lead to total confusion. Below are some examples: Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Martin to come forward and lay an egg on the altar ...

... ride around on a cart, drink beer and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery. A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game. Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up praying a lot. A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you. That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven ...

... Golf Quotes The Gospel according to St. Titleist... May thy ball lie in green pastures~and not in still waters.~Author Unknown The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.~Billy Graham Golf appeals to the idiot and the child in us. Just how childlike golfers become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.~John Updike It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.~Robert Lynd If ...

... my rememberer is broke to you that may seem funny but, to me, that is no joke For when I'm" here" I'm wondering If I really should be" there" And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Oft times I walk into a room, Say" what am I here for ?" I wrack my brain, but all in vain A zero, is my score. At times I put something away Where it is safe, but, Gee! The person ...

... (The test pilot parachuted to safety, thank God) Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test flight -the wings broke off again. Beside himself with worry, Bernie went to his Schul to pray. to ask God where he had gone wrong. The Rabbi saw Bernie's sadness, and naturally asked him what the matter was. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the Rabbi. After hearing the problem with the jet fighter, the Rabbi put his arm ...

... was so intense, I found it hard to breathe at times. Always supportive, Mother clapped loudest at my school plays, held a box of tissues while listening to my first heartbreak, comforted me at my father's death, encouraged me in college, and prayed for me my entire life. When Mother's illness was diagnosed, my sister had a new baby and my brother had recently married his childhood sweetheart, so it fell on me, the 27-year-old middle child without entanglements, to take care of her. I counted it ...

... their own pens. A new sharpener is available on application to the supervisor. The supervisor will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the cleanliness of the main office and the supervisor's private office. All boys and juniors will report to him 40 minute before prayers and will remain after closing hours for similar work. Brushes, brooms, scrubbers, and soap are provided by the owners. The owners recognize the generosity of the new labor laws, but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near ...

... whatever glee you may find in my words-If I can get a laugh, even at my gaffes, I'll be happy someone heard. Few words flow fine in my twisted mind, fewer ready recollections-I forget what I say, even when I pray, the Lord has sent no rejections. I'd much rather talk than take a walk but both are good exercise-One from my mind, the other to unwind, my pleasure is also my prize. Though I like to gossip I'll not profit at another soul's ...

... on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick. One year he went out to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball and said a silent prayer. Before he hit it, however, a powerful voice from above said: WAIT. REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW BALL. He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that the Lord seemed to be implying that He was going to let ...

... me grow longer. So, when a joke or tale you see, Please, please don t hit that forward key. Instead, why don t you drop a line? How are your kids? Is your life fine? How can I pray for you today? Read a good book or seen a play? What victories can you report? I d love to read it long or short! I'll be so glad you didn't spam. Thank you, thank you, Sam I Am. [ ...

... challenging: finding clothes that match properly. 8. From your special vantage point every Sunday, in which you look out at the entire congregation from the choir seats, you will develop interesting new hobbies. Among these is a little guessing game called" Who's Praying, Who's Sleeping ?" 7. On the other hand, sitting in full view of 400-500 people on a weekly basis makes it much less likely that you yourself will give in to a chronic lack of sleep. Although it has been known to happen. 6. ...

... you, we're gonna have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it. In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive dose who sin against us, which some people say 'trespass against us, ' which isn't right, but what can you do? Da use of cell phones on da plane is ...

... opinions ," but it touches a nerve and hurts a little. You side with those who believe the Bible just exactly the way it's written, but you'd like to see them act more like Jesus Christ in the process. You don't like fancy, written-out public prayers, but somebody ought to help your preacher and the deacons put a little more life and freshness and thought into theirs! You believe every Christian ought to be a witness and even a soul-winner, and feel guilty because you aren't. You'd do anything to help build ...

... him a living wage. He's probably been on starvation wages for so long he'll eat himself to death. Rededicate your own life and ask the preacher to give you a job to do. He'll probably die of heart failure. Get the congregation to unite in prayer for the pastor. He'll become so effective some larger church will soon take him off your hands. [Source: Frank's Daily Chuckles] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... 'We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking ' Wilson Matthews / Little Rock Central High School 'Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad. Woody Hayes / Ohio State University 'I've found that prayers work best when you have big players ' Knute Rockne / Notre Dame 'Gentlemen, it is better to have died as a small boy than to fumble this football ' John Heisman AUBURN [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All ...

... is broke. To you that may seem funny but, to me, that is no joke. For when I'm" here" I'm wondering If I really should be" there" And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Oft times I walk into a room, Say" what am I here for ?" I wrack my brain, but all in vain; A zero, is my score. At times I put something away Where it is safe, but, Gee! The ...

... be a woman president. But not my sister. She will drive everybody crazy-the Democrats and Republicans. -A citizen, Lawrence K, age 8 Atlanta, GA What is your favorite book? My mom said it is the Bible because you have to pray a lot. -Kimberly W, age 8, Meriden, CT Dear President Bush: Can you help with the weather in Seattle? It rains too much. My mom said not even the president can do anything about the weather. I hope she is wrong. ...

... house-tun" Oh yea, the street is pronounced" San Phil-ee-pay ," not" San Phil-eep" (San Felipe). Enunciate, you idiots! Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Houston has its own version of traffic rules .Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Houston. We all drive like that. All directions start with," Go down to Loop 610". which has no beginning and no end. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic. ...

... wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to ...

... photographer, and photographers take pictures !" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience. After a long pause the pilot said," You mean you're not the instructor? I was suppose to learn how to land the plane today" Two men learned how to pray that day... Addendum-Proverbs 3: 5" Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding ;" [Author unknown-from Stan M.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

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