... , but rather to prepare himself for the work He was going to do the next day. For it was on the 8th day that God created the teacher. The teacher, though taken from among men and women had several significant modifications. In general, God made the teacher more durable than other men and women ... Teachers on the 8th day On the 6th day, God created men & women. On the 7th day, He rested. Not so much to recuperate, but rather to prepare himself for the work He was going to do the next day. For it was on the 8th day that God created the teacher ... text books haven't arrived yet, and the semester starts tomorrow. And God gave the teacher a heart slightly bigger than the average human heart. For the teacher's heart had to be big enough to love the kid who screams," I hate this class-it's boring !" and to love the kid who runs out ...

... Gramesis Gramesis 1: 1-30 In the beginning my English teacher created nouns and verbs. And the verbs were without form and voice; and darkness was upon the face of the deep-my teacher. And she said," Let there be grammar ;" and there was grammar. And Teacher saw the verbs and laughed and said that it was good; and she divided the bright students from those who remained in darkness. And Teacher gave the bright students A's and kept ... is life, I have given every rule and principle for good English ;" and it was so. And Teacher saw everything that he / she had made, and behold it was very good. In honor of our many hard working teachers. [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments, ' via Keith Todd] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Real Teachers Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk. Real teachers will eat anything left in the teacher's lounge. Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks have even been seen grading in church. Real teachers know that sixth graders get hormones from Santa at Christmas. Real teachers cheer when they hear that April 1st does not fall on a school day. Real teachers can't ... past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line. Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair. Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning around. Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of their bladders. Real teachers wear glasses from trying to read the fine print in the teacher's manuals. Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster ...

... We Walk By Faith, Not By Sight A first grade class was listening to the teacher who was attempting to explain evolution to the children, and that God doesn't exist. The teacher asked: Tommy, do you see the tree outside? Tommy: Yes. Teacher: Tommy, do you see the grass outside? Tommy: Yes. Teacher: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky. Tommy: OK. (He returned a ... Tommy: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time). Jamie: Did you see the sky? Tommy: Yessssss Jamie: Tommy, do you see the teacher? Tommy: Yes Jamie: Do you see the teachers brain? Tommy: No Jamie: Then according to what we learned today in school, she must not have one. [Author unknown-from Ruthie (sugie01 @aol.com ), via Andy Chap-Ed: Anon] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net ...

... be $6 times 5 hours times 25 children times 180 days = $135, 000 per year. Wait a minute, there is something wrong here !!! There sure is, huh ????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Author unknown-from Faith Sturgis (teacher ), via Keith Todd] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ... Tired Of Those High Paid Teachers? I, for one, am sick and tired of those high paid teachers. Their hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work nine or ten months a year! It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they really do, baby-sit! We can get that for less than minimum wage. That's right. I would pay them $3 an hour and only the hours they worked, not any ...

... Teacher's Secret Thoughts What The Teacher*Really*Would Like to Say: Since my last report, the student has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. I would not allow this student to breed. This student has delusions of adequacy. The student sets low personal standards and then occasionally fails to achieve them. Student has been working with glue too much. When the student's IQ reaches 50, he / she should sell. Student has a photogenic memory but ... Teacher's Secret Thoughts What The Teacher*Really*Would Like to Say: Since my last report, the student has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. I would not allow this student to breed. This student has delusions of adequacy. The student sets low personal standards and then occasionally fails to achieve them. Student has been working with glue too much. When the student's IQ reaches 50, he / she should sell. Student has a photogenic memory but ...

... Laws Film projectors always work before the class meeting begins. The probability of the preacher tripping over the mike cord is greater on" Bring A Friend" Sunday than any other week. The largest Bible Class will show up when the teacher feels his / her worst. No matter how many bulletins you print, you'll always need one more. A member living 15 miles away will be 15 minutes early; Members living two blocks will be 15 minutes late. Saying" Let ... at least 15 minutes longer than they should. (So do some sermons) Church committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting. (William Spurgeon) When you answer the Bible teacher's question right, nobody remembers; when you are wrong, nobody forgets. The longest Scripture readings always come with the longest sermons. The furnace only fails when the outside temperature is more than 20 degrees below zero. The air conditioner only ...

... , my mom had been placed on a more lively horse named Navajo, who took great delight in leaving the trail to munch on grass. Back in the day, as my kids say, my five-foot mother was an elementary school teacher who could strike fear into the hearts of recalcitrant schoolboys with just a glance. Being faced with the equine equivalent of a delinquent, she mustered all her teaching techniques to subdue him. And as sometimes happens when teachers meet a student for ... first time, she got his name wrong. “ Now Napoleon ,” she said in her strictest schoolmarm tone, “ you get yourself back on the trail this minute or you ’ ll be hearing from me, mister ” Navajo / Napoleon, of course, completely ignored her until the wrangler approached. Then he ambled along for about a minute before once again heading for the grass. This is how the whole ride went – RIP kept refusing to move in the face of ...

... enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you-Press 5 If you want us to raise your child-Press 6 If you want to reach out and touch, slap, or hit someone-Press 7 To request another teacher for the third time this year-Press 8 To complain about the bus transportation-Press 9 To complain about school lunches-Press 0 If you realize this is the real world, and your child must be held accountable for his or ... own behavior, class work, and homework; and that it's not the teachers fault for your child (ren )'s lack of effort-hang-up and have a nice day! [Author unknown-from Keith Todd] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus? Stud Tires Out Prostitutes Appeal To Pope Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms Eye Drops Off Shelf Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work After ... Head Fired Steals Clock, Faces Time Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training Include Your Children When Baking Cookies [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (AIKENSLongJoke @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... The Third Graders Hi, I'm in third grade but it's not easy, it's a jungle gym out there. It's not school I mind, it's the principal of the thing. My teacher is tough. In class we have to answer" Yes Sir" and" No Sir ," and my teacher is a woman. She's cross-eyed too, can't control her pupils. In English she told us we couldn't use 2 words, one was cool and the other was lousy. I said," Cool, tell us the lousy one first" In science, she asked," what would happen if one of the stars in Orion's belt went out ?" I told her his pants would fall down. She asked," Why do astronauts wear space suits ?" I said," To cover their space underwear" In geography she asked us to name 2 cities in Kentucky. I said" O.K, I'll name one Waldo and the other Heathcliff ...

... The Fish Trial My son keeps me well informed whenever he earns a good grade on something at school, which means there are long periods of time during which he does not want to discuss his classes with me. So I was heartened when he offered to show me his science project: Sure enough, he had a large" A" emblazoned on the cover, along with the note that his teacher found his effort" organized and very amusing !" Not sure that I had ever before seen an" amusing" science project, I flipped open the cover and focused on the title: Do Fish Have a Good Sense of Humor?. Well, this is certainly something that scientists have wondered about for years, so if my son had solved the riddle, I suppose it was time well spent. To test the theory, I read farther down, the tank of fish was exposed to a tape recording of one of W. Bruce ...

... Child's Cowboy Boots The Cowboy Boots: (Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this) Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help, and she quickly found out why he needed it. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said," Teacher, they're on the wrong feet" She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced," These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue, rather than scream at ...

... Little Johnny A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying," Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up !" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said," Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny ?"" No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself !"-Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face." Why do you do that, mommy ?" he asked." To make myself beautiful ," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue." What's the matter ?" asked Little Johnny." Giving up ?"-The math teacher saw that Little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said," Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44 ?" Little Johnny quickly replied," NBC, CBS, ...

... cast my memory back to that childless period that my husband calls BK (Before Kids). Back when, for all we knew, the acronym PTA stood for Pizza Takeout Activities. We were young and ignorant then. But in the fullness of time, we became fruitful and multiplied, and lo, we brought forth fruits who had the temerity to exhibit a need for education. And so, we sent them to school. That's when my adventures with the Parent Teacher Association began. And that's when I realized I'm probably not cut out to be a PTA mom. Don't get me wrong. PTA is a worthwhile organization. God bless the moms who donate their time and talents to the schools. But the group has a serious flaw in its screening process, proven by the fact that it allowed ME to join. In a few short months, I inadvertently managed to sock it to my local unit. I don't think the PTA ladies ...

... Dear Science Teacher Dear Science Teacher: My son has asked me to write you to explain why his assignment will not be turned in on time this morning. As it was explained to me, the experiment he was to conduct involved a re-creation of Pavlov's study of" conditioned response ," in which dogs hear a bell when they are served dinner and eventually come to associate the sound with food to the extent that they drool whenever they hear a ringing noise. (Frankly, I had reservations over the idea that my dog would start slobbering whenever I received a phone call, but choose not to express my doubts in the name of scientific progress) Here are my own observations of how the experiment proceeded. Step One: Son gathers kibbles in a small bag. Dog expresses immediate interest, racing over to regard boy with frantic expression. Son scolds dog for drooling before the experiment is even started. Sister shrieks that dog slobber is gross. ...

... On my way to School... Little Kenny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why. The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations. The principal tells her to send Kenny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Kenny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever. The next day, Kenny shows up 2 hours late. Kenny says," I was 2 hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mom would've been angry. That's why I'm so late". The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and explains the story to the principal. The principal tells Kenny about his own trip to school that day ...

... Computer Gender? In a Spanish computer class. A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine." House" for instance, is feminine:" la casa"" Pencil ," however, is masculine:" el lapiz" A student asked," What gender is 'computer ?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether" computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that" computer" should definitely be of the Feminine gender (" la computadora "), because: No one but their creator understands their internal logic; The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later ...

... . Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. This may be true! In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out:" Tee hee ...

... What The Teacher Says and What She Really Means Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test). Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability. (The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes). Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction. (He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met). Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her. (The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term). Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination. (The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away). Nick thrives on interaction with his peers. (Your son needs to stop socializing and start working). Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions. (Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I ...

... Why Teachers Weep Then Jesus took his disciples up on the mountain and taught them, saying:" Blessed are the poor in spirit, Blessed are the meek, Blessed are the merciful, Blessed are you who thirst for justice, Blessed are you who are persecuted, Blessed are the peacemakers.." And Simon Peter said," Do we have to write this stuff down ?" And Phillip said," Will this be on the test ?" And John said," I'm sorry. Would you mind repeating that ?" And Andrew said," John the Baptist's disciples don't have to learn this stuff !" And Matthew said," Huh ?" And Judas said," What does this have to do with real life ?" Then, one of the Pharisees, an expert in the law, said," I don't see any of this in your syllabus. Do you have a lesson plan? Is there a summary? Where is the student ...

... God In Adverts A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in someway to communicate ideas about God. Here are some of the results: GOD is like BAYER ASPIRIN. He works miracles. GOD is like a FORD. He's got a better idea. GOD is like COKE. He's the real thing. GOD is like HALLMARK CARDS. He cares enough to send His very best. GOD is like TIDE. He gets the stains out that others leave behind. GOD is like GENERAL ELECTRIC. He brings good things to life. GOD is like SEARS. He has everything. GOD is like ALKA-SELTZER. Try Him, you'll like Him. GOD is like SCOTCH TAPE. You can't see him, but you know He's there. GOD is like DELTA. He's ready when you are. GOD is like ALLSTATE. You're in good hands with him. GOD is ...

... educate his father. It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents. Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many. You can learn many things from children. like how much patience you have. Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid. The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself hire someone to do it forbid your kids to do it There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going. Those who say they" sleep like a baby" haven't got one. The best thing to spend on your children is time. ...

... The Wrong Number Few people are aware of this, but I could easily have been one of the world's great concert pianists, had I decided to ignore my passion for storytelling and writing humor and instead learned to play the piano. My fingers possess such a nimble dexterity that even as a child, my music teachers would gush that in me they had found one of those special students who, in their words," could type" I am sure that by deciding to adopt the qwerty keyboard instead of the sort mastered by the likes of Johannes Brahmas and Ludwig Rollover Beethoven, I have deprived the world of great musical masterpieces, which you would think the Pulitzer Committee would take into consideration once in a while, not that I'm interested in their stupid prize anyway. With such amazing capability literally at my fingertips, I am, as you would suspect, not only an extremely gifted typist, but also very adroit at using the telephone as ...

... he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all. Ask us if we got taught how to use a computer in High School. the teachers at High School are responsible for everything we ever learned about computers. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail marked" high importance ," delete it at once. We're just testing. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve. Send urgent email in all uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery. When the photocopier doesn't work, ...

... sunglasses, student I.D.s, loose change, magazines, & (occasionally) books. CAFETERIA: (n) from Latin" cafe" (" place to eat ") and" teria" (" to wretch "). CAFFEINE: (n) One of the four basic food groups. CALL: (v) What you can't do because your stupid roommate has to go over every stupid detail of every stupid day with their stupid hometown sweetheart. COACH: (n) A teacher who rewards successful" students" with a new Corvette. CUM LAUDE: (v) How students in southern universities call dogs named" Laude" D-MINUS: (n) A pretty good grade. DORM: (n) Student residence located only a few convenient miles from 8a.m. classes. DORMROOM: (n) A small closet-like area inhabited by a pair of incompatible people. EDUCATION BUDGET: (n) Money you allocate each month for movies and magazines. EGGHEAD ...

... the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it! Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a drama coach or a choir director? SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote, and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick ...

... What Children Say About Heaven Mom, God's so neat, and heaven's supposed to be so great. Could me and Gloria go there Saturday for a sleep-over? Our seven-year-old daughter, Clarisa, was not really excited about going to Sunday school, but her little friend talked her into it. After the first class, at lunch she said," I like my teacher, and she said if I come to Sunday school every Sunday, she'll show me how I can get a free trip to heaven" My three-year-old granddaughter, Morgan, came over one day and looked around the room and asked," Where's Grandpa ?" I answered," He's in heaven" Surprised, she looked at me and said," Still ?" I know what heaven is like, because I was there. God makes people when He thinks of them, and then they wait to be born. Our six-year-old, Rachel, prayed," God, they keep ...

... Californians So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this, you know you're from California if: Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible. You make over $300, 000 and still can't afford a house. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower. You can't remember. Is pot illegal? You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian. You can't remember. is pot illegal? A really great parking space can totally move you to tears. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the USA. Unlike back home, the ...

... Large Standard Screwdriver With Lifetime Guarantee: Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed screwdriver, particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located they can only be removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver-and you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said-who cares? It's guaranteed. Bailing Wire: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, bailing wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not recommended for concourse contenders since it works so well you'll never replace it with the right thing again. Bailing wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with MG, Triumph, and flathead Ford set. Bonking Stick: This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy ends is technically known ...

... Little Johnny and the Principal Little Johnny's teacher was having trouble with him disrupting the class by always telling lies and making up stories. So she talked to the principal about this and he told her the next time this happened to send little Johnny to his office. Sure enough, the next day, here came little Johnny and the principal was ready to teach him a lesson. He told Johnny to take a seat, because he wanted to tell him a story." Johnny, the other day I decided to go duck hunting but I only had two shot-gun shells. I fired my first shot and killed two ducks. As the ducks were falling out of the sky, they fell into a tree, where they hit four squirrels and killed them. Then the two ducks and four squirrels came falling to the ground, where they landed on two rabbits and killed them too. But just as I was going to gather up my animals ...

... disapproval. The delivery of withering disapproval is another one of those manipulation methods at which I excel. And when my kids were younger, it used to work quite well. But with the onset of puberty, teenagers seem to develop immunity to parental opinion. All those raging hormones spin around them a cocoon of indifference and stuff their heads with what I call “ Charlie Brown cotton ” You know how all the characters in the Peanuts cartoon only hear the words of their teachers as “ wa wa wa wa ?” That ’ s Charlie Brown cotton, and I ’ m convinced that ’ s what is clouding the judgment of my own cast of characters. Why else would they not want to spend time with people as fascinating and fun as their mom and dad? To pierce this foolish fog, I pull another arrow out of my maternal quiver and fire off a good helping of guilt. While we moms often wallow in guilt, we are also ...

... . This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it's not fair. (See Rule No. 1) Rule No. 3: Sorry, you won't make $40, 000 a year right out of high school. And you won't be a VP or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label. Rule No. 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'til you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he's not going to ask you how you feel about it. Rule No. 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all ...

... Retarded Grandparents After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but in it they all j ump up and down with hats on. At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape! Sometimes they sneak out. ...

... In A Perfect World A person should feel as good at 50 as he did at 17 and he would actually be as smart at 50 as he thought he was at 17. You could give away a baby bed without getting pregnant. Forget-me-nots would stimulate the memory. Doing what was good for you would be what you enjoyed doing the most. Pro baseball players would complain about teachers being paid contracts worth millions of dollars. People always have good reasons to be optimistic. You would never fumble, but if you did, you would recover the ball yourself The mail would always be early, the check would always be in the mail, and it would be written for more than you expected. Potato chips might have calories, but if you ate them with a dip, the calories would be neutralized. If the guy from the government said to you," I'm here to help ," not only would he mean it, but also ...

... Actual Excerpts The following are actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers: Illiterate? Write today for free help. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere else again. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. Stock up and save. Limit: one. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. Great Dames for sale. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will ...

... Student Daf-i-nishions This is a partial list of comments from test papers, essays, etc, submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades. The spellings are the original ones. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin. A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. Liter: A nest of young puppies. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away. Vacuum: A large, empty ...

... by 2. 9 live sheep. The match. White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole. Two apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES, YOU TAKE 2, WHAT DO YOU HAVE? None. It was Noah, not Moses. YOU are the driver. Grading Scale (out of 10) 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0 Genius Mensa Member Engineer University Student High School Student Primary School Student School Teacher University Professor FDA Investigator Member of Congress C'mon! [Author Unknown-from FranCMT2, via 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (gcfl @gcfl.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel. SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids ' faces. SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma. SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds, flu and even pneumonia. SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice. TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child's" special needs" TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer." THAT WAY ": How kids shouldn't look at moms if they know what's good for them. Also applies to how they talk. TOWELS: See" FLOOR COVERINGS" TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks. TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in ...

... own spit. Before children: I was thankful for the opportunity to obtain a college education and have a higher quality of life than my ancestors.-After children: I am thankful to finish a complete thought without being interrupted. Before children: I was thankful for holistic medicine and natural herbs.-After children: I am thankful for any pediatric cough syrup guaranteed to" cause drowsiness" in young children. Before children: I was thankful for all of the teachers who had taught, encouraged, and nurtured me throughout my formative years.-After children: I am thankful for all of the people at Weight Watchers who let me strip down to pantyhose and a strategically placed scarf before getting on the scale each week. Before children: I was thankful for the opportunity to vacation in exotic foreign countries so I could experience a different way of life in a new culture.-After children: I am thankful to have time to make ...

... The Importance of Proofreading It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day. There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting. There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental. In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was mis-identified. His nickname in the department is" Dewey" Another firefighter is nicknamed" Weirdo" We apologize for our mistake. Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce. In a recent edition ...

... paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? We ship by truck but send cargo by ship. We have noses that run and feet that smell. We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway. And how ...