... Thank You, Lord Lord, thank you for this sink of dirty dishes; we have plenty of food to eat. Thank you for this pile of dirty, stinky laundry; we have plenty of nice clothes to wear. And I would like to thank you, Lord, for those unmade beds; they were so warm and comfortable last night. I know that many have no bed. My thanks to you, Lord, for this bathroom, complete with all ... splattered mirrors, soggy, grimy towels and dirty lavatory; they are so convenient. Thank you for this finger-smudged refrigerator that needs cleaning. It has served us faithfully for many years. It is full of cold drinks and enough leftovers for two or three meals. Thank you, Lord, for this oven that absolutely must be cleaned today; It has baked so many things over the years. The whole family is grateful for that tall grass that needs mowing; we all ...

... , Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer have any sneakers-but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything. And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in ... Learned On the Net I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1, 387 ...

... Thanks for" Forwarding" I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past two years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern. I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put" Under ... Thanks for" Forwarding" I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past two years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern. I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put" Under ...

... ? How do they get down here? Do you have to take care of them all first. Please answer all my questions. I always think of you. Yours truly Susan FERVENT WISHES, SUGGESTIONS AND COMPLAINTS Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce Dear God How come you didn't invent any new animals lately? We still have just all the old ones. Johny Dear God, It rained for are whole vacation ... want to be just like my daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. Sam Dear God, I keep waiting for spring but it never come yet. Don't forget. Mark APPROVALS, CONFIDENCES AND THANKS You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. Dean Dear God, I think the stapler is one of your greatest invention. Ruth M. Dear God, My name is Simon. Thats ' from the bible. ...

... . The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button. We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask. If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ... Flight Safety Wouldn't you love to have this attendant on your next flight? Thanks to a retired Delta Captain for sending this" paraphrase" of a memorable safety PA (public announcement) from their Flight Attendants. In his own words." I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like" what the heck ?" (Getting Seattle people to look at each other ...

... with a" Raised Eyebrow" GO AHEAD At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a" That's Okay" THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome. THANKS A LOT This is much different from" Thanks" A woman will say," Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the" Loud Sigh" Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the" Loud Sigh ," as she will only tell you" Nothing" [ ...

... point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble" Please Do ": This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a" That's Okay"." Thanks ": A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome." Thanks a lot ": This is much different from" Thanks". A woman will say," Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the" Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the" Loud Sigh ", as she will only tell ...

... have another pair. try these" The speaker tried them and responded," Too tight" The man was not taken back at all. He then said," I have one more pair of false teeth. try them" The speaker said," They fit perfectly" With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him." I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist" The man replied," I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker" [Author Unknown-from 'Bills-Punch-Line '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... I sleep right in the center groove My human can not hardly move! I've trapped her legs, she's tucked in tight And here is where I pass the night No one disturbs me or dares intrude Till morning comes and" I want food !" I sneak up slowly to begin my nibbles on my human's chin. She wakes up quickly, my claws they are prickly For the morning's here and it's time to play I always seem to get my way. Oh thank you Lord for this day. And thank you Lord for giving me This human person that I see. The one who hugs me and holds me tight And sacrifices her bed at night! [Author Unknown-from 'Funny Bone '-Ed: anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Tooth Fairy Form Letter Dear: Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night. While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason (s) indicated below: () the tooth could not be found () it was not a human tooth () we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny () we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odour () the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash () the tooth did not originally belong to you (x) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy () you were age 12 or older at the time your request was received () the tooth is still in your mouth (x) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit ...

... the kitchen counter. And then, like fools, we turned our backs for just a moment. Ebony, an experienced counter surfer, sprang into action, evidently grabbing the salmon and inhaling it without even moving the dish. I returned to the kitchen to find our dinner gone and the furry spawn of Satan licking her chops. She slept well again that night. While coming in like a lion, March is said to go out like a lamb, and thanks to Ebony, that ’ s holding true for us quite literally. The lamb in question, a tasty slice of meat I ’ d been looking forward to eating all week, went out in the trash the other night after an encounter with our mutinous mongrel. As we sat down to eat dinner, we bowed our heads and closed our eyes to say a blessing over the meal. We normally put the dog outside during meals, but this time we forgot, and while ...

... of regularity, put them in the woods in a cabin with one low-flow toilet and then stuff them to the gills with Thanksgiving bounty? You get, of course, a calamitously clogged commode and enough tension to earn a spot on the Jerry Springer Show. This is what happened to my family last Thanksgiving. Everything began beautifully. We encamped in the woods, like modern-day Pilgrims, to feast and frolic, to drink in the clear, cold air and give thanks for all our blessings. The women scurried about, preparing succulent fare. The men did what men do on such occasions; they stood around waiting to begin the traditional male holiday jobs of eating and sleeping. The children sprinted around outside, hands and feet flying, noses running, delirious with the joy of being out of school and unsupervised. When all was ready, we gathered before a table groaning with good food. We salivated at the smell as we offered up our ...

... grow longer. So, when a joke or tale you see, Please, please don ’ t hit that forward key. Instead, why don ’ t you drop a line? How are your kids? Is your life fine? How can I pray for you today? Read a good book or seen a play? What victories can you report? I ’ d love to read it – long or short! I'll be so glad you didn't spam. Thank you, thank you, Sam I Am. [by: Mary Egido, Copyright 2006-from Mike's Funnies (funnies-owner @lists.MikeysFunnies.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... " Gary, whatever made you do such a thing ?" Gary answered soberly:" I asked God to teach me to whistle. And He just then did !" ~~~~~~~ One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer." Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, if I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take" ~~~~~~~ A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night." Dear God, thank you for these pancakes" When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said," I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight" ~~~~~~ A little boy's prayer." Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna ...

... this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over) Thank you for your message, which has been added to a ...

... Thanks, Before and After I never intended to tell you anything about this, but since I became an adult I discovered that the meaning of Thanksgiving sure isn't what it used to be. When I was younger, I remember receiving the inevitable homework assignment to write an essay on" Something I Am Thankful For". Then, I'd spend a lot of time sitting in my room trying to figure out just what in the world that could possibly be, and I'd end up writing down everything I could think of from God to environmental consciousness. But after having children, my priorities have clearly changed. Before children: I was thankful to have been born in the United States of America-the most powerful, free, democracy in the world.-After children: I am thankful for Velcro tennis shoes. As well as saving valuable time, now I can hear the sound of my son taking off his shoes which gives me three ...

... The 'Real ' Night Before Christmas 'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse Instructions were studied and we were inspired, in hopes we could manage" Some Assembly Required" The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, while Dad and I faced the evening with dread: a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot! And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot! We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat-let no parts be missing or parts incomplete! Too late for last-minute returns or replacement; if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement! When what to my worrying eyes should appear but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear, With each part numbered and every slot named, so if we failed, only we could be blamed. More rapid than eagles the parts then ...

... I had to actually push my reluctant Romeo into the shop, where he dithered at the entrance for many minutes, apparently fearing that his mere presence in such a prettified place would render him unmanly. Finally, I heard the store clerk offer to help. When she asked him how much he wanted to spend, his answer – “ As little as possible ” – made me pity his poor girlfriend. But he finally emerged with an acceptable gift. So, thanks to me, my curmudgeon of a son survived the birthday and came out undeservedly smelling like that proverbial rose. The next day, I found him lying on his bed, gazing up at the ceiling with a self-satisfied smile on his face. A smile that collapsed like a house of cards when I brought him crashing back to earth. “ Better save your money, kiddo ,” I said. “ Christmas is right around the corner ”~Jackie Papandrew 2008~Jackie Papandrew is ...

... off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a Craftsman (square-head) screwdriver and stab yourself with a knitting needle. Remove all food from the house that is recognizable and actual tastes good. With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat-hangar and onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall, while wearing your bath-robe backwards and holding it closed in the back. [Author Unknown-thanks James, 'Lab Laughs ' (LABLaughsClean @topica.com)-Ed: Anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Shorthand Computerese BTW is By The Way, And Go Ahead is now GA; Laughing Out Loud is LOL, THTT, Too Hard To Tell. In My Humble Opinion, IMHO, If you're not humble, IMO; God Only Knows is GOK, Thanks In Advance is TIA. Be Right Back is BRB, Till Next Time is TNT; As Far As I Know, AFAIK, MMD is Make My Day. On The Other Hand, OTOH, A =^ ^= will give you Kitty Face; HaHa Only Kidding, HHOK, And will do. Type;) to add a Wink with Smile, Or: (if Frowns are more your style; And now you know the ABC's To type Shorthand Computerese! -Connie [by: Connie Hinnen Cook (cjcook @mynewroads.com)-from Connie Hinnen Cook] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh send me a man who will make love to my mind. Know what to say when I ask," How fat is my behind ?" One who'll make love till my body's a ' itchin ' He brings ME a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen. I pray that this man will love me to no end, And never compare me to my best friend. Thank you in advance and now I'll just wait, For I know you will send him before it's too late. Amen [Author Unknown-from Joy Roman, via 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (gcfl-info @gcfl.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... the moon lit night, he saw two horses standing in the field alongside the road. The man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated," It's your fuel pump; tap it with your flashlight, and try it again" Still dazed from bumping his head, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, and then got into the car, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and then sped away in his car. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar." Large whiskey, please !" he said. A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked," What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost !"" It's unbelievable ," the man said, as he started telling the rancher what had just happened to him down the road. The rancher took a sip of ...

... meteroology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage"" I procrastinate-especially when the task is unpleasant"" I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to resond to my resume on my office voicemanil"" Qualifications: No education or experience"" Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets"" Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department"" Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head !" Cover letter:" Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty !" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people at this congregation were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people" Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived, apologized for his tardiness and then started in on his speech." I want to thank you all for letting me say a few words this evening in honor of Father O'Brien. 25 Years is a long time. In fact, when he arrived here, I had the honor of being the first confession he heard at this congregation" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... not even a blouse. The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste As the holiday parties had gone to my waist. When I got on the scales there arose such a number! When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber). I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared. The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said, 'No thank you, please ' As I dressed myself, in my husband's old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt. I said to myself, only as I can 'You can't spend a winter disguised as a man! So-away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip. Every last bit of food that I like must be banished 'Till all the additional ounces have vanished ' I won't have a cookie-not ...

... water baptized on the table in the foyer.*Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.*Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.*The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral.*The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church board.*As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.*Fifth Sinday is Lent.*Thank you dead friends.*Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.*Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.*Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.*For the word of God is quick and powerful .piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit.*Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.*Definition: Persons who are shut-in during bath weather.* ...

... out there become too smug with how adroitly I out maneuvered her with my quick retort, you should be advised that she STILL blames me for our turkey-induced bulimia. Therefore I appeal to my readership: has anyone else noticed bizarre psychiatric spousal reactions to turkey consumption which might explain this whole controversy? Please advise via return e-mail, which will be picked up by the crack WBC technical team and, judging by previous results, forwarded to the Governor of New Jersey. Thanks... oh, and Happy Thanksgiving too. [by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 1995-2002-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... There's always something you've missed. (Isn't that why they came up with checklists ?) Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots. [Orginal source unknown. Thanks from all of us who like to fly.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Son To Israel A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home." Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers ," the son said." It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity"" Oi vey ," replied the father," what have I done" So in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace." It is amazing that you should come to me ," stated his friend," I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian" So in the tradition of the patriarchs they went to the Rabbi." It is amazing that ...

... The History Of Thanksgiving 1492-Christopher Columbus discovers America, unless you count the native peoples already living there. Columbus doesn't. Columbus and crew celebrate by holding a dinner, giving thanks for their safe arrival. Embarrassment ensues when every Indian brings maize, and nobody brings pumpkin pie. 1620-Pilgrim men invent the sport of football to avoid helping clean up after Thanksgiving dinner. 1671-First embarrassing drunken relatives at Thanksgiving dinner, as Captain John Smith's parents tell Pocahontas the" hilarious" old" I got lost in the maize" joke for the hundredth time. 1701-At a historic Thanksgiving dinner, Dutch settlers unveil historic" Indians Give Us All Of Their Land Treaty" Due to an unfortunate oversight, the Indians are left off of the invite list, and the treaty is signed without them. 1776-Excited that his British in-laws finally agreed to meet him for Thanksgiving dinner, silversmith Paul Revere rides through Boston announcing the news ...

... motions to the priest, they go out the back door, and both hop in a jeep. Saint Peter takes the priest to about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll. St. Peter turns to the priest and says" This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to a wishing well. Anything you wish on that wishing well will come true, guarantied" The priest says," Oh, thank you so much. This I shall enjoy !" St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the bus driver. They go out the front door, and get into a stretch limo. Then Saint Peter takes the bus driver to about 500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge castle on one of the mountains with about 200 rooms. St. Peter says" This will be yours for eternity ...

... yet, try it yourself and see what happens. Even using the same products and appliances, I simply cannot get my hair to look the way it does when my stylist does it. The only solution is to get a divorce and spend every penny of my alimony to keep a hair dresser at my beck and call. I ’ m kidding, of course. Really, dear, I ’ m just kidding. I should have been born a HIM. Thanks a lot, Mom.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, ...

... to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert. When Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush and tell the hostess all about it. However, before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said," What a beautiful cake !" Alice could only sit back in her chair and watch, when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say:" Thank you, I baked it myself" [Author Unknown-from 'Mountain Wings ' (wings @mountainwings.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Thanksgiving Leftovers Let's face it. The most distinguishable trait about Thanksgiving isn't the football game, the parade, or the quality time you get to spend with your relatives. It's the leftovers. Oh, don't start yelling. I know what the true meaning of Thanksgiving is just as well as anybody else. Any fool will tell you it's a day for people to open their hearts and homes, reflect, and give thanks for their good fortune and all that. But let's be fair here. Without Thanksgiving there would be no need for you to spend an entire day in the kitchen wrestling with a temperamental pie crust and an unreliable turkey baster. And I bet those of you who have (and you know who you are) will agree with me that leftovers are a synonym of freedom. The problem is figuring out how to get rid of them. For example I, being an avid non-cooker, try to get as many meals out ...

... with bleach, and to my surprise and complete satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well that the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative, and my attorney called to tell me that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough, without being considered a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, 'gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people... [Author Unknown-from Hart Dowd (hartdowd @shaw.ca)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... of the class fails the test. Patience when the text books haven't arrived yet, and the semester starts tomorrow. And God gave the teacher a heart slightly bigger than the average human heart. For the teacher's heart had to be big enough to love the kid who screams," I hate this class-it's boring !" and to love the kid who runs out of the class at the end of the period without so much as a good bye or a thank you. And lastly, God gave the teacher an abundant supply of hope. For God knew that the teacher would always be hoping. Hoping that the students would one day learn to spell. Hoping not to have lunchroom duty. hoping that Friday would come. hoping for a free day. hoping for deliverance. When God finished creating the teacher, He stepped back and admired the work of His hands. And God saw that the teacher was good. Very Good. And ...

... don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, dxxx it! Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it. Customer: I have problems printing in red. Tech support: Do you have a color printer? Customer: Aaaah. thank you. Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket. Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: OK Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Tech support: ...

... nearby and your kid brother, grinning like a maniac, made obnoxious noises with his armpits. If you were unlucky, said brother got to the phone first, and then you had to endure moments of sheer torment as he mockingly questioned your caller and, if your sibling was as evil as mine was, let slip some very embarrassing (and false) information about your personal hygiene. Either way, your character was strengthened by the experience. But now, thanks to cell phones, calls and text messages from the opposite sex can come in unnoticed by others. No character building in that. And parents don ’ t get any warning from music either. Back when I was afflicted with amour, I ’ d stoke my teenage tragedy meter by listening to music by bands like Bread and The Carpenters (remember them ?). When they heard this kind of sappy sound emanating from my room, my folks would know something was up. But ...

... them down. They were stuck, like so many oversized kittens, up in that tree. It was probably Eve who first asked the question we women have been asking ever since: Why is it there's never a man around when you need one? Every male in my family had made himself scarce that evening. My husband had retreated to a local sports bar, to hang out with other men and do whatever it is men do at such places. But thanks to the magic of cell phones, I was able to summon him home to play fireman. He arrived, giving me one of those “ why can ’ t you handle this ?” looks, and immediately fetched a ladder. Climbing up into the tree, he gently coaxed each girl down to safety. I doubt Samuel L. Jackson, battling all those hissing serpents on the plane, was any more heroic. But I ’ ll bet the snakes were quieter than our teens ...

... The Engineering Test Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said," Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant"" And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct ," asked the rejected applicant." We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed ," said the Department manager." And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other ?" the rejected applicant inquired." Simple ," said the Department manager," Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know ' You put down ...

... people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country-if they could find the time-and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who is running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running from another country but need the baseball scores. The San Francisco Chronicle is ...

... with a sigh and answer, resolved that if it is a sales call, I'm going to hang up." I've got very good news for you ," a woman greets me. My pulse quickens; I've been expecting a call like this from the Nobel-Prize committee for some time." Really ?"" You've been pre-approved for a $5000-credit-limit American Dog Club credit card ," she informs me happily." Ah. Well, that is good news, but no thanks"" Couldn't you use an extra $5000 ?" she wants to know, sounding hurt." Well sure, but the problem is, you credit-card people always seem to want your money back ," I explain." But this is a very, very special credit card ," she reports." It has a picture of a dog on it"" A dog"" Yes !" she exults." What kind of dog ?" I am unable to prevent myself from asking ...

... to the game and so I did, bringing a book with me to ward off certain boredom. If you are shaking your head at anyone nerdy enough to bring a book to a hockey game, you know just how my loved ones were feeling. If you are nodding your head in dweebish accord because you feel my pain, contact me later. We dorks need to circle the wagons and stick together. I arrived at the game knowing only one thing (thanks to Mr. Dangerfield) about hockey – that it tended to occasionally break out in the midst of a brawl. So I entered the arena primed for violence, my head down, my shoulders hunched, my beloved book clutched close in case someone tried to snatch it and begin reading. Surprisingly, we made it to our seats in the front row of the appropriately named “ nosebleed ” section without incident. I looked around at the enthusiastic crowd, many of them wearing team ...

... it head banging loud for my Metallica CD c: cause permanent hearing loss to anyone within ten feet How many times have you been pulled over for speeding in the last year? a: zero or one, because I'm generally a safe driver b: two or three, because I've had some unlucky breaks c: before or after they took my license away? What hand gesture do you use most while driving? a:" go ahead" b:" thank you" c: "@#!*&%^!" When a bicyclist is next to you, you should. a: be aware of them b: speed up and get past them c: open the door Your rear view mirror is for. a: watching for approaching cars b: watching for approaching police cars c: checking your hair If you are driving and you begin to feel very sleepy, you should. a: pull off to the side of the road and rest b: stop at ...

... not showing up for work. Ok? I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the supermarket. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, can I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with MCI, but thank you for calling. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb. The psychiatrist said we had an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. Now I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it. The dog ate my car keys. Now we're going to hitchhike to the vet. I'd prefer to remain an ...

... Addendum-PROPHESY FULFILLED-Isaiah 7: 14"... The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel" Several HUNDRED years later... Matthew 1: 23" The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel-which means, 'God with us" I hope you all have a" true" Merry Christmas, and joyfully give thanks for the priceless gift God gave us. WHAT ARE YOU GIVING GOD? [Original source and author unknown.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... and staggered back to a point above the preacher's car. Fortunately, the preacher had been using a seat belt. That and the relatively slow speed had prevented any injury. When Frank saw someone struggling out of the wrecked car, he yelled," Who the hell are you ?" The preacher yelled back," Frank Johnson, don't you talk to me like that"" My God preacher, that you ?"" Yes Frank, it is, and I'll thank you not to take the Lord's name in vain. It's already bad enough that you're drunk"" You OK preacher ?"" Yes Frank, fortunately the Lord was with me"" You better let Him ride with me. Way you drive, you gonna kill Him" [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs ' (LABLaughsClean @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... the one you bounce on your knee while typing. Remember how he giggles when. He hears the" UT OH" sound? Sorry about him dropping his Peanut butter sandwich on your keyboard. Is it working ok since I cleaned it up for you? Can you read the letters I tried to paint back on your keyboard? Most of the letters had been rubbed off! Susie had her first date Saturday night. She had a good time and said to thank you for letting them use your car. She put the keys back on the key rack, underneath the cobwebs, where she found them! Do you realize that she wears the same size clothes as you do? In case you've forgotten her, she's the one who has you raise your feet when she's running the sweeper. Tim is playing football. He looks forward to going to school Now that he has a sport to play. He wanted to know if you would come ...

... " It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church fills first. The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued," And you told me a little more 'beat ' to the music would bring young people back to church, so I suppose that's why you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Now we are packed in the balcony"" Thank you, Father ," answered the young priest." I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth"" Well ," said the elderly priest," I'm afraid you've gone to far with the drive-thru confessional"" But, Father ," protested the young priest," my confessions have nearly doubled since I began that !"" I know, son ," replied the elderly priest," but the flashing neon sign, 'Toot n ' Tell or Go To Hell ...

... I have fond memories of TV fitness from college, when my roommates and I wasted valuable study time watching Jane Fonda prance around in leg warmers while encouraging us to feel the burn. Although we rarely actually did her workout, we definitely toned our young tummies with all our hearty laughter at poor Jane ’ s expense. I still can ’ t listen to Jimmy Buffett ’ s Changes in Latitudes Changes in Attitudes without experiencing a strong urge to do buttocks tucks. Thanks for the memories, Jane. Being older and wiser now, with a tummy in need of more than laughter, I decided to seek out a new queen of calisthenics to show me the way. And I found her in the form of a fitness show called Boot Camp led by a woman in stunningly good shape named Cathe. Yes, that ’ s Cath and then an e that is set off from the rest of the name, italicized and gussied up with a different ...

... are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you" Enjoy life... Have fun... Be creative... [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)-Ed: Anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... . Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it. Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet, which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district, approaching from the North Sea. Back at police headquarters, the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office. Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style:" Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it." Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment." Fortunately, the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to ...

... right back. You can buy a recreational vehicle. I ’ m sure this is how our pioneer ancestors, who worked so hard to tame the wilderness, would have wanted it. Last summer, my family disregarded this character-building camping system by skipping right to the everything-including-the-kitchen-s nk phase for our first campout in the mountains of Colorado. We rented an RV. And it was great. This year, we were once again eager to explore the Great Outdoors. But thanks to my husband, we backtracked from our very civilized home on wheels to a couple of musty tents that left us wet, whiny and at least in my case, whimpering with embarrassment. Claiming that our previous RV experience did not allow sufficient bonding with Mother Nature and each other, the man I married suggested we borrow tents from friends and head for the hills. Although I suspected my cheapskate spouse was actually trying to leave enough room in the family budget for a new set ...

... . The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. The agenda was adopted. the minutes were approved. the financial secretary gave a grief report. Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. The 'Over 60s Choir ' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church. Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name: Bertha Belch. Announcement:" Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa" Small typographical error seen in the church's bulletin:" The May meeting of the church finance committee will be hell as usual" Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the rec. hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. Announcement in ...

... before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitchell bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last! Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded," What happened, Father ?" All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost! Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you! The priest nodded wisely and said" That's the problem with you Protestants. you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites" [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... the walls where termites dine While ants and roaches march in time. Bless our yard where spiders pass Fire ant castles in the grass. Bless the garage, a home to please Carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas. Bless the love bugs, two by two, The gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you. Millions of creatures that fly or crawl, In FLORIDA, Lord, you've put them all! But this is home, and here we'll stay, So thank you Lord, for insect spray. HOLD ON. there's more. YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN FLORIDA IN JULY WHEN.... The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. The trees are whistling for the dogs. The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. Hot water now comes out of both taps. You can make sun tea instantly. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron! The temperature ...

... this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned Government Official (TM )?_If you answered" yes ," please indicate your reason (s) for changing models.*_ Excessive operating / maintenance costs.*_ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model.*_ Defect in current model:*_ Dead*_ Senile*_ Indicted*_ Convicted*_ Resigned in disgrace*_ Switched parties / beliefs*_ Outbribed by competing interest Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: when you choose a" Government Official (TM )," you have chosen the best politician money can buy. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... bring you FRANKIN-THENSE ," he said in the loud, clear voice. Miss Swickey almost yelled" Hallelujah ," but, restrained herself. After the performance, the pastor came up and congratulated Miss Swickey on a job well done." That was the best Christmas pageant this church ever had ," he said." Congratulations. I take it that you did what I told you to do"" Yes, Pastor. I did. It worked real well. And thanks for helping me by praying, too"" It wasn't me ," the pastor said." Your help came from an entirely different source"" What do you mean ?"" Young Homer, there. He was so worried about not being able to say frankincense in the play and making you angry, that he did quite a bit of praying himself in the past 24 hours. We adults could learn a lot from those kids, Miss Swickey. 'Their middle name is 'faith ...

... that we complete this declaration of independence. Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas. I have to reboot here. Mr. Jefferson: That's all right, Ben. We'll go on without you. Has everyone had a chance to look at the draft I posted yesterday? Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I've been having Notes replication problems. Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy. Mr. Sherman: Thanks. Saaaaay, nice font. Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off Colonies Online just last week. Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be done. I fear our document will soon leak out. Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There's already a bootleg circulating. I saw it posted on alt.georgeIII.sucks last night. Mr. Franklin: @#$$%^$# General Protection Fault! Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to ...

... raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota ** Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City ** Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens ** Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh ** Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena ** Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville ** Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class ...

... were, have also evaporated, crowded out by all the other stuff in my head – user names, passwords, PIN codes, security codes and the wide variety of numbers necessary to use the communication devices that populate my life. Lyrics to songs I really don ’ t like stay on a loop in my skull, and goofy theme songs from those “ ask your doctor ” commercials burrow like brain badgers into my mental synapses and refuse to be dislodged. (Thanks so much to the makers of those Viva Viagra commercials !) Yet I can go to the grocery store and draw a blank when I try to remember what I needed. My kids have lovingly suggested that my warranty must have expired, while I have just as lovingly disowned them. Don ’ t worry about them, though, because I ’ ve already forgotten I did that. The lowest blow came recently when I was shopping at a store that offers a “ senior discount ” ...

... " A modest little person, with much to be modest about"-Winston Churchill" I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure"-Clarence Darrow" He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary"-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)" Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words ?"-Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)" Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it"-Moses Hadas" He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know"-Abraham Lincoln" I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it"-Mark Twain" He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends"-Oscar Wilde" I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my ...

... but is much too young for the position. Jesus: He tends to offend church members with his preaching, especially Bible scholars. He is also too controversial. He even offended the search committee with his pointed questions. Judas: He seemed to be very practical, co-operative, good with money, cares for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor. Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search. Sincerely, The Pastoral Search Committee. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... 200! Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different. Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint. Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir. Customer: You're insane! Clerk: Thanks for painting with United [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. Oh, mercy me! But just think .what must be awaiting me further on ?" So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6-You are visitor 3, 456, 789, 012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart-have a nice day! [Author Unknown-from" Jason's EMail" (jubilate @clearsail.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... just not worth the hassle. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine .Really. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies ' (Andychap @aol.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... isn't an office-It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up. Therapy is expensive, poppin ' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control. Bottomless pit of needs & wants. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way! If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat. Does your train of thought have a caboose? Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. Let me show you how the guards used to do it. And your cry-baby whiny opinion would be? I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil ...

... been higher. Everybody could use a good laugh these days. Unfortunately, it is also the worst of times because the supply of high-caliber comic relief is getting harder to come by. Mirthful material used to practically fall from the trees like leaves in autumn. It used to come bubbling up from the ground like oil – black gold for even the borderline funny, Texas tea for those who were only marginally witty. Anybody could be a humorist. Now though, thanks to society ’ s rabid appetite for amusement and a restriction of humor supplies by the grumpy but powerful Organization of People Expecting Calamity (OPEC ), only the most committed pun providers remain in the field. And we ’ re having to dig much deeper for our jokes. Soon, unless we can develop new sources for our laugh lodes, professional humorists like me will have to drill for droll in places no comedian has gone before. Therefore, just as many industries are passing on ...

... you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day? Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips and start over-but hurry, January is just around the corner. [Author Unknown-thanks Mary, from 'LABLaughs ' (LABLaughs @LABLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Humble Bank Client A letter we should all send to our bank manager. This is an actual letter (allegedly) sent to a bank in the USA. The bank thought it was amusing enough to publish it in the New York Times. Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account for $50 by way of a penalty for the inconvenience I caused your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me ...

... suits discussing those games and the gladiators who play them. Our living room carpet suffers from football-mouth disease, caused by a constant assault from nacho cheese, onion dip, beer and chips that fall from lips that have to stop eating and scream at the idiots who are letting the victory slip from their very large hands. And it ’ s only going to get worse. The holidays will be hamstrung by this crazy sport. When our extended family gathers to give thanks, three generations of football fanatics will genuflect before the gridiron god. It ’ s enough to make me want to throw up. Or punch a hole in the wall. Or maybe I ’ ll grab some of my rowdy friends and go shopping.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to ...