(An On-Going Collection -- New Material at the Top)

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I DON'T WANT TO GO TO CHURCH

Early one Sunday morning, a wife went in to wake up her husband.

"Wake up, honey. It's time to go to church!"

"I don't want to go," complained the husband.

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, none of the members listen when I talk, and the elders are mean to me! You give me two reasons why I should go to church."

"Well, for one, it is the right thing to do. And for another, you're the PREACHER!"

[off-the-church-walls]
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GOING TO CHURCH

For the umpteenth time Mrs. Youngston came to her parish priest to tell him, "Father, I'm so scared! Joe says he's going to hurt me if I continue to come to your church."

"Yes, yes, my child," replied Father Francis McCrady, more than a little tired of hearing this over and over. "I will continue to pray for you, Mrs. Youngston. Have faith - the Lord will watch over you."

"Oh yes, Father, he has kept me safe thus far, only....."

"Only what, my child?"

"Well, Father, now he says if I keep coming to your church, he's going to hurt YOU!"

"Well, now," said the priest, "Perhaps it's time to check out Father Lawrence Greider's parish over on the other side of town."

[LABLaughs]
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THE MILK

To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she said her family would only drink whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a while until her daughter asked one morning whether the milk was okay.

"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. "Why do you ask?"

"Because according to the bottle," the daughter explained, "this milk expired two years ago."

[Reader's Digest]
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THE POPE

The Pope was on his way to a very important meeting in New York and was running late. He told the limo driver to go a little faster.

The driver replied, "I'm going the speed limit."

The Pope kept repeatedly asking the driver to speed up, to no avail. Finally, the Pope told the driver, "Pull over and let me drive." Of course the guy had to agree as this was the Pope and you can't say no to the Pope.

So the Pope is driving now and going about 90 mph, swerving in and out of traffic, running red lights when he is pulled over by the police.

The cop takes one look in the car and says, "Excuse me a minute," and makes a call to his captain. He says, "Captain, I got a problem, I pulled this guy over and I don't know if I should give him a ticket."

The captain asks, "Does he deserve a ticket?"

The cop says," Yeah he's a horrible driver!"

The captain, "Is he important?"

The cop, "Yeah, I'D say so."

The captain, "More important than the mayor?"

The Cop, "Yeah, he is."

Captain, "More important than the governor?"

The cop, "Yep"

Captain, "How about the president? He couldn't be more important than him."

Cop, "I think he is."

Captain, "Just who is this guy?"

Cop, "I'm not sure but he's got to be really important. The Pope is his chauffeur!"

[LABLaughs]
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FISHERMAN

The Game Warden goes down to conduct a surprise inspection, as the fishermen come in at a lake in Minnesota. He notices that one of the boats has many more fish than any of the others. He goes up to the fisherman and asks him how he caught all of those fish. The fisherman invites him to come out with him on the lake and he'll show him.

So, out they head and shortly after, the fisherman picks up a stick of dynamite, lights it and throws it into the lake. "BOOM"... 40-50 fish float to the top. The Game Warden can't believe what he has just witnessed. Aghast, he says to the fisherman, "You're really in trouble mister!!! That is completely illegal -- I'm going to have to haul you in, arrest you, fine you...."

The fisherman listens for a little bit, leans over picks up another stick of dynamite, lights it, and tosses it to the Game Warden and says, "YOU TALKIN' OR YOU FISHIN'?"

[LABLaughs]
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GOOD VISION

An old man was a witness in a burglary case. The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asked Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes" said Sam, "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer said, "Sam, listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight is probably pretty bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Sam quickly replied, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"

[Aiken Drum]
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GOOD NEWS - BAD NEWS

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor!"

[Aiken Drum]
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COOPERATION

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "When a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

[Aiken Drum]
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THE LONG SERMON

The minister had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday after the surgery, he only preached for 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday he preached for 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way, "The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I couldn't stop talking!"

[andychaps_the-funnies]
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CHECKING THE MAILBOX

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.

She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

[LABLaughs]
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SHIPWRECKED

The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.

When the boat reached the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."

[Aiken Drum]
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PREACHER AND THE BEAR

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside.

Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and only breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move.

"Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish . . . please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"

That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet. "Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive . . ."

[LABLaughs]
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DUH

After finishing an out-of-town errand, I discovered that my car wouldn't start because it was out of gas. A passer-by told me there was a service station a half-mile away, so I took a gas can from the trunk and trudged the distance in the sweltering sun.

The attendant filled my two-gallon can, and I lugged it back and poured the gas into the tank. But when I tried to unlock the car door, it wouldn't open. Just then, I noticed an identical old car parked a short distance away. That was my car; I had filled a stranger's gas tank.

Wearily I walked back to the station. "You know," the attendant suggested helpfully, "instead of walking back and forth to fill the tank from the can, you could put a couple of gallons in the tank and then drive the car here."

[Reader's Digest]
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HOME OWNER AND POLICE

I was going to bed the other night when my wife told me that I had left the light on in the shed. She could see from the bedroom window. As I looked for myself, I saw that there were people in the shed taking things.

I phoned the police, and they told me that no one was in the area to help at this time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available.

I said "OK," hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back.

"Hello. I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now 'cause I've shot them."

Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you shot them!"

I replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[Margaret Willis]
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THE TRAINEE

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No," replied the trainee. "I'm the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"

"No." replied the CEO indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee, and hangs-up the phone.

[LABLaughs]
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WHO'S THE PROBLEM?

Sophie went to see a psychiatrist about her husband.

"Doctor, My husband has this problem. Almost every night now he's dreaming he's a refrigerator!"

"My dear, that is not really a problem! A lot of people dream that they are somebody or something unusual..."

Sophie leans forward as she softly whispers this confidence: "But you see doctor it is also a problem for me! Jake sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake!"

[Aiken Drum]
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A SURE BET?

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

[Aiken Drum]
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GEORGE W. BUSH

George W. Bush was walking through an airport last week, when he saw an old man with white hair, a long white beard, wearing a long white robe and holding a staff.

He walked up to the man, who was staring at the ceiling, and said, "Excuse me, sir, aren't you, um, Moses?"

The man stood perfectly still and continued to stare at the ceiling, saying nothing.

Again George W. asked, a little louder this time, "Excuse me, sir, aren't you Moses?"

Again the old man stared at the ceiling motionless without saying a word.

George W. tried a third time, louder yet, "Excuse me, sir, aren't you Moses?"

Again, no movement or words from the old man. He continued to stare at the ceiling.

One of George W's aides asked him if there was a problem. W said, "Either this man is deaf or extremely rude. I've asked him three times if he was Moses, and he has not answered me yet."

To which the man, still staring at the ceiling finally replied, "I can hear you, and yes, I *am* Moses, but the last time I spoke to a 'bush', I spent 40 years wandering in the wilderness."

[Bills-Punch-Line]
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MEET MY WIFE

A man was sleeping when his wife shook him and said, "Wake up, someone is breaking in!"

The man had gone through this almost every night for 20 years, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out.

This time, however, there was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house.

As the thief was about to flee the man said, "You have to come with me and meet my wife."

The thief said, "Why would you want me to meet your wife?"

The man replied, "Well, she's been expecting you for 20 years."

[Tim Davis]
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BACHELORS

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too many 'fancy cooking concepts' in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way. 'Take a clean dish' and...."

[LABLaughs]
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On-Going Clean Short Jokes and Humor . . .

[ Material from many different sources -- Thank You! ]





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