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Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son is a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.

The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car.

Finally, he asked. "Those your kids?"

"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.

"They adopted?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied.

"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."

[Thomas S. Ellsworth]

I was with my husband at a baseball game in Boston's Fenway Park when I decided to get myself a hot dog. As I stood up, my husband asked me to buy him a beer. The young clerk at the concession stand asked to see verification of age.

"You've got to be kidding," I said. "I'm almost 40 years old." She apologized, but she said she had to insist.

When I showed her my driver's license, the clerk served me the beer. "That will be $4.25."

I gave her $5 and told her to keep the change. "The tip's for carding me," I said.

She put the change into her tip cup. "Thanks," she said. "Works every time."

[Colorado Comments]

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"$130 dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if I don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $100.00, but it would be very painful"

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "I can save time if instead of using my normal surgical procedure, I simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers. I could get away with charging $50.00"

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $25.00"

"Marvellous," says the man, "book an appointment for my wife next week!"


The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed. She asked for a little warm milk to sip so a nun went to the kitchen to warm some milk. Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother, Mother" the nuns cried, "Give us some wisdom before you die!"

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face, and pointing out the window she said, "Don't sell that cow!

[Colorado Comments]

On some air bases, the military is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day, on just such a field, the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference:

  • If you are a commercial airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.

  • If you are an Air Force aircraft, it is 1500 hours.

  • If you are a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.

  • If you are an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.

  • If you are a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon.

  • If you are in the National Guard, it's still a couple of hours until quitting time."
[Aiken Drum]

Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls.

"What happened this time?" he asked.

"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"

"Where are you?" John asked.

"I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded.

"And where's the car?" John asked.

Jill replied, "It's in here with me."

[Colorado Comments]

Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours.

Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."

Doug replied, "Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."


A man goes to the track and sees a Priest blessing a horse before a race and quickly goes to the ticket window and bets. The horse wins. He watches the Priest carefully for the next four races, and continues to win, until he has quite a small fortune. He decides to bet it all on one last race.

Before the horse crosses the finish line however, it drops dead. The man rushes up to the Priest, confronts him with what he's seen and demands an explanation.

The Priest just shakes his head sadly and says, "That's one of the problems with you Protestants. You don't know the difference between a blessing and the last rites."


There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, which says,

"Warning, ONE of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week, and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing, but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which read:

"Now there are TWO."

[Aiken Drum]

Two nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas. They walked to a farmhouse and a farmer gave them some gasoline; but the only container he had was an old bedpan. The nuns were happy to take whatever they were offered and returned to their car.

As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their car, a minister drove by. He stopped, rolled down his window and said . . .

"Excuse me, sisters. I'm not of your religion, but I couldn't help admiring your faith!"

[Aiken Drum]

The following are purported to be actual comments made by NYC teachers on their report cards as part of their final narratives. All teachers were reprimanded, but these are great!
  1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.

  2. I would not allow this student to breed.

  3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

  4. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together

  5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

  6. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

A guy named Pete gets a job as a switchman with the railroad, and undergoes weeks of training. The supervisor then takes him into the switch booth to test his readiness. The following exchange takes place:

Supervisor: "Imagine you were sitting here alone and you learned there was a train coming from the North on that track, and another coming from the South on the same track. What would you do?"

Pete: "I'd throw this switch right here and put one train on the other track."

Supervisor: And what if that switch didn't work?"

Pete: "I'd go down to the track and throw that big switchlever there, putting one train on the other track."

Supervisor: "And what if that switchlever didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd come back here and call the dispatcher to stop both trains."

Supervisor: "And what if the phone didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd go to that gas station across the street and use their phone."

Supervisor: "And what if their phone didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd go get Uncle Joe."

Supervisor: "Uncle Joe??? What would he do?"

Pete: "Nothing, but he ain't never seen a train wreck."


As a single, never-married woman in my 40's, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by friends, relatives, and co-workers. Over the years I've noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries.

In my teens, friends would ask, "Whom are you going out with this weekend?"

In my 20's, relatives would say, "Whom are you dating?"

In my 30's, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating anyone?"

Now people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?"

[Aiken Drum]

A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital.

She said, "Hello, darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. But, I don't want to know if the patient is getting better, or doing like expected, or worse. I want to know all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z!"

The voice on the other end of the line said, "That's a very unusual request...What is the patient's name and room number?"

She said, "Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

He said, "Finkel, Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber, Finkel. Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o' clock."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh, thank God! Her test came back normal, she's getting off the heart machine in a couple of hours, you say. Oh! that's fantastic, darling! And she is being released tomorrow at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that! . . . That's wonderful news!"

The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"

She said, 'What close family or friend? I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen my doctor tells me nothing."


An elderly gentlemen went in for his annual physical exam. The doctor said, "You're in incredible shape. How old are you again?" The man replied, "I am 78."

The doctor exclaimed, "Wow, 78. How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60 year old." The man explained, "Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside to settle down."

"What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor. The man sighed, "I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."


Bachelor cooking is a matter of attitude. If you think of it as setting fire to things and making a mess, it's fun. However, it's not so great if you think of it as dinner . . .

Nomenclature is an important part of bachelor cooking. If you call it "Italian cheese toast," it's not disgusting to have warmed-over pizza for breakfast.

[P.J. O'Rourke, from Giggles & Grins]

When old Mr. O'Leary died, an elaborate wake was planned. In preparation, Mrs. O'Leary called the undertaker aside for a private little talk.

"Please be sure to fasten his toupee to his head very securely. No one but I knew he was bald," she confided, "and he'd never rest in peace if anyone found out at this point. Our friends from the old country are sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they're through paying their last respects."

"Rest assured, Mrs. O'Leary," comforted the undertaker, "I'll fix it so that toupee will never come off."

Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving O'Leary's corpse quite a going-over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place.

At the end of the day a delighted Mrs. O'Leary offered the undertaker an extra thousand dollars for handling the matter so professionally.

"Oh, I couldn't possibly accept your money," protested the undertaker. "After all... what's a few nails?"


Working as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to where security temporarily holds suspects.

One day security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room. After a few mminutes, the door opened, and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, "Get back in there, and don't come out until you're told!"

The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the woman reported what had happened.

Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.


Following the birth of my second child, I called our insurance company to inquire about my short-term disability policy.

"I just had a baby," I proudly announced to the representative who picked up the phone.

"Congratulations! I'll get all of your information and activate your policy," she assured me. After taking down basic facts like my name and address, she asked, "Was this a work-related incident?"

[Aiken's Daily Laughs]

When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel.

As part of her preparations, she went to see her doctor to get all of her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him a litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.

He responded, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."


On-Going Clean Short Jokes and Humor . . .

[ Material from many different sources -- Thank You! ]

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