(An On-Going Collection -- New Material at the Top)

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SANTA

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
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PRIEST IS PREPARED

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"

He told the child that he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?" The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band aid.

So the priest took the collar tab out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"

"Yes, I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read.

Peering intently at the letters, the boy said: "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"
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POLICE BUSINESS

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you just keep him when you took his picture!"
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FISHING WITH BABY SISTER

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.

The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."
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TEN COMMANDMENTS (New version)

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was?

Susie raised her hand, stood-up tall, and said: "Thous shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
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HONESTY

Little Carl was having dinner at Steven's house. Trying to help their guest, Steven's mother asked, "Are you sure you can cut the meat by yourself?"

Carl answered, "Sure. We sometimes have 'tough' meat at our home, too!"
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PSYCHOLOGY 101

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they are stupid, please stand up." After a few seconds, Little Johnny was the only one to stand up. The teacher said, "Do you think you are stupid, Johnny?" "No Ma'am," he said, "but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
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SHE TRIED

Little Johnny watched fascinated as he watched his mother smooth cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, Mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Johnny. "Giving up?"
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QUESTION AND ANSWER

The math teacher saw that Little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "CBS, NBC, HBO and the Cartoon Network."
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ADAM AND EVE

At Sunday-School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of Adam's rib. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what's the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
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FISH STORY

A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied "no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church." The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy "if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing?"

To which the boy replied, "yes he did, dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."
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LITTLE BOY'S PRAYER

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
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DUMB COUNSELOR

Jill began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other end of the field.

Jill approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Jill noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Jill offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Jill then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
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SUNDAY SCHOOL BONUS

A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?"

"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."
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CREATION

A small boy and his father were looking heaven-ward one bright starlit night. After quietly and reverently observing the stars for a long time, the small boy, holding his father's hand, said, "If the bottom side of heaven is this pretty, then how beautiful the other side must be!"

"The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament shows his handiwork."
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HEARTFELT

Johnny was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him.

He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." When his eyes fell on Johnny, he noticed Johnny's hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.

"Johnny, I will not continue 'til you put your hand over your heart."

Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."

After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."
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MISCHIEVOUS BOYS

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing -- and they think WE did it!"
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THE BLESSING

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said:

"Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said.

Our daughter bowed her head and said:

"Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
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CHURCH MEETS NEEDS

A little girl went to church with her Mother for the first time. She started feeling ill. "Mom," she whispered, "I feel like I'm going to throw-up."

"Go out the front door, then walk to the back of the church and do it behind the bushes. I'll be out shortly."

A few minutes later, as the mother rose to leave, the little girl returned. "Are you feeling better?" asked the mother.

"Yes, and I didn't have to go to the back of the church. They have a box next to the front door that says: 'FOR THE SICK'."
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REALISTIC PERSPECTIVE

A little boy is at school one day and while he is gone, his cat is killed in traffic. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news.

Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy by saying: "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now."

To which the boy replied: "What's God gonna do with a dead cat?"
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Psalms 8:2 (NKJ)   "Out of the mouth of babes . . ."

[ Material from many different sources -- Thank You! ]





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