(An On-Going Collection -- New Material at the Top)

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THUNDERSTORM

One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said, "I have to sleep with Daddy."

A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."
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HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children: "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"
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PASSOVER BAKING

Rev. David A. Stammerjohn, pastor of Laboratory Presbyterian Church, Washington, Pennsylvania, spent a week at the Synod school with his two children. The school's theme focused on Moses and the Exodus.

When they returned home, his five-year-old daughter excitedly greeted her mother: "Guess what, Mommy. We made 'unleaded' bread!"
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DUMB AND DUMBER

Morris' son arrived home from school puffing and panting, with sweat rolling down his face.

"Dad, you'll be so proud of me," he said... "I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the way home!"

"You are a very stupid boy!," said Morris.

"....That's really dumb!" "You could have run behind a taxi cab and saved $20.00!"
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SMART PILLS

It's the year 2105 and society has figured out how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some knowledge, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says "Here's a pill for English literature."

The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied "Well, you know, math always was a little hard to swallow."
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ONLY CHANCE

Every Saturday morning Grandpa Walt found himself babysitting his three grandchildren... all boys. The kids always wanted to play "war," and Grandpa somehow always got coaxed into the game. His daughter came to pick up the kids early one Saturday and witnessed Grandpa take a fake shot as Jason pointed a toy gun and yelled, "Bang!"

Grandpa slumped to the floor and stayed there motionless. The daughter rushed over to see if he was all right. Grandpa opened one eye and whispered, "Sh-h-h, I always do this -- it's the only chance I get to rest."
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DOWN THE STREET

The Bennett family had just moved into a new neighborhood and were anxious to make a good impression, but the neighbors seemed busy and not interested.

One day Matthew, their youngest boy, ran into the house and announced, "Ma, a lady down the street just asked me my name!" The mother replied, "Great! And then what happened?"

Matthew said, "Oh, she gave it to the policeman."
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SECRET SERVICE

A youth minister was talking to a 'teen' in the congregation one day, and encouraging him to be regular in his attendance and to become part of The Lord's Army. The boy replied that he was a member of The Lord's Army.

"Why, then, do I usually only see you at church on Easter and Christmas?", the youth minister asked.

"Because I'm in the secret service," the boy replied!
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FOOTBALL PLAYER

The principle and the coach made a deal. Despite his bad chemistry grades, the all-star tackle could play in the big game if he could learn and remember the formula for water before then. The coach and the chemistry teacher both worked with the star high school player, and were confident that he'd give the correct answer. On the day of the game the principle came down to the locker room where the boy was suiting up.

"Well?" said the principle. "What is the formula for water?"

Grinning broadly, and drawing confidence from the presence of his proud coach, the player said: "H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O."

Editors note: H2O = water.
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IN NEED OF PRAYER

A young boy called the pastor of a local "corner" church to ask the pastor to come by to pray for his mother who had been very ill with the flu.

The pastor knew the family and was aware they had been attending another church down the road.

So the pastor asked, "Shouldn't you be asking Brother Simon down the road to come by to pray with your mom?"

The young boy replied, "Yeah, but we didn't want to take the chance that he might catch whatever this is that Mom has."
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MEDICAL OR SURGICAL?

Two young boys were discussing their ailments together in the children's ward.

"Are you medical or surgical?" asked the first, who had been in the ward for a week.

"I don't know what you mean," replied the second.

"It's simple," replied the first. "Were you sick when you came in here? Or did they make you sick when you got here?"
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ATHEIST TEACHER

A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of young children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy that has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not an atheist."

Then, asks the teacher, what are you?

"I'm a Christian." says Lucy.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian. "Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."

The teacher is now agitated. "That's no reason," she says forcefully. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be an atheist."
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MAKE BABIES

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, said fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
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MY NAME IS...

Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week. They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a cop for causing a commotion.

The officer hauled them off to security for questioning. The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.

The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The third boy looked a little shaken-up, as he said, "My name is Peter; but my friends call me 'Peanuts'."
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FREE ADMISSION

A little boy came skipping into the house with a big lollipop in his hands. "Where did you get it?" his mother asked.

"I bought it with the quarter you gave me."

"The quarter I gave you was for Sunday School."

"I know Mom," said the boy, "but the minister met me at the door and got me in free."
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DEAD FROG

One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her and say that he had found a frog.

The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead.

The student said it was dead.

The teacher asked how he knew.

The boy said, "I dropped a big rock on it, and it never moved."
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ON TIME

One day I noticed my sister wasn't wearing a watch. When I asked her about it, she replied, "I don't need a watch. At home there's a clock in every room, and in the car there's a clock on the dashboard."

Knowing my teen sister's an avid shopper, I inquired, "Well, how do you tell time when you're shopping?"

"That's easy," she replied. "I buy something else and look at the time printed on the sales receipt."
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DENTIST'S OFFICE

A ten-year-old boy and his mother were waiting in a dentist's office, talking about treatments for the boy's painful tooth.

Entering the room, the dentist asked, "Well, son, which one's the troublemaker?"

Without hesitation, the boy replied, "My brother!"
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OH BROTHER

Realizing that their home just wasn't big enough with the new baby in the house, Little Johnny's parents discussed moving to a bigger house.

Little Johnny sat patiently listening to his parents, then piped in: "It wont help -- he'll just follow us anyway."
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CONSEQUENCES

The little boy was getting 'poor' grades in school. One day he surprised the teacher.

He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades . . . somebody is going to get a spanking . . ."
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Psalms 8:2 (NKJ)   "Out of the mouth of babes . . ."

[ Material from many different sources -- Thank You! ]





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