(An On-Going Collection -- New Material at the Top)

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BEING A MINISTER

After a church service on Sunday Morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

"That's nice dear, but what made you decide that?"

"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit down and listen."
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MISSING GOD

A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday.

One little boy wrote, "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could have been there."
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GREAT WRITER

There once was a young boy who said he wanted to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, and cry!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing "error messages."
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WRITING A STORY

A 3-year-old was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

"What's it about?" he asked.

"I don't know," she replied, "I can't read."
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THIEVES

A Sunday school teacher caught three neighborhood boys stealing apples from the tree in her backyard. "Do you know what the Bible says about thieves?" she said, shaking her finger at them.

"You bet! 'Today you will be with me in paradise'."   [Luke 23:43]

Editors note: For humor, this scripture verse is out of context. *************************************************
FARM WORK IS NOT EASY.

A young boy decided he wanted to make some extra money, so he ask his Uncle Joe if he could work on his farm?

Uncle Joe wasn't sure the boy could handle the hard work on a farm, but decided to give him a chance.

He told the boy to go milk one of his cows, and depending on how well he did, then he would decide rather he would hire him. The boy was given a bucket and a stool.

An hour later the boy returned dirty and sweaty, the bucket in one hand and the broken stool in the other.

"Extracting the milk was easy," the boy explained. "The really hard part was getting the cow to sit on the stool!"
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FIRST DATE

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "Son, there are three subjects that always work. They are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to an ice cream shop. With milk shakes in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds, he remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic (food).

He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list (family).

Then he asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card (philosophy). He thinks of his father's advice and asks: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
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IS THAT ALL YOU EVER THINK ABOUT?

My son had just turned 14 when I finally decided to talk to him about sex. To ensure private time, I took him on a ski trip and began our talk on the chair-lift so he couldn't escape. "Do you know about girls and babies?" I asked him. He nodded, but cut me off.

The next ride, I brought it up again, only to have him look away in silence.

On the third trip, already knowing I had waited too long, I bluntly asked, "Son, would you like to talk about sex?"

"Gee, Dad," he responded, "is that all you ever think about?"
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HAIR CUT

I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son.

Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."
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GRAMMAR

Leroy was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents. When she rang the bell, Leroy answered.

"I'd like to talk to your mother or father," she said.

"Sorry, but they 'ain't here."

"Leroy!" she said, "what is it with your grammar?"

"Beats me," he replied, "but dad sure was mad that they had t'go bail her out 'agin."
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BORROWER'S BLUES

Our four children, always on the go, frequently communicate with each other by leaving notes around the house telling where they've gone, what they're doing, or whatever.

Recently, we came across the following written exchange between Michael, 18, and Steve, his 12-year-old brother: "Steve -- borrowed your hairbrush. I'll return it when I get back. If you need one, mine is in Mom's car (which is why I had to borrow yours) -- Mike."

Steve's response, written on the same note was: "Mike -- It's not mine. It's the dog's. Steve"
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TEN COMMANDMENTS

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
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DANGEROUS

The teacher asked a boy in her class to put up a safety poster warning students to stay off a stack of old lumber in the schoolyard.

Later, she found this sign tacked to the pile: IT IS DANGEROUS TO PLAY WITH OLD BROADS.
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DOT COM

A teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's our nation's capital?"

The reply came back, "Washington, D.C."

On being asked what the "D.C." stood for, the pupil paused in thought, then smiled, "I know! 'D.C.' is for 'Dot Com'!"
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ADULTS, BE PATIENT

During a rehearsal of one of his plays, Sir James M. Barrie became increasingly irritated with the producer's young son, who was convinced that he knew it all.

Repeatedly, the youth interrupted the rehearsal to criticize one of the principals. After one such outburst, Barrie turned to him and said:

"My boy, you will have to be more patient with us. After all, we are not young enough to know everything."
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PICKING A HUSBAND

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind. So that's what I'll do."

"I'll find somebody who's kinda tall, kinda handsome, and kinda rich."

Carolyn, AGE 8
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WHOA!

As an instructor in driver education at Unionville-Sebewaing Area High School in Michigan, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.

One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes. When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.

Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car?"
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KNOW YOUR CLASSMATES

The boy's impatient math teacher snarled, "And just how far are you from the correct answer?"

To which the boy replied, "Three seats, sir."
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LEARNING?

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "I Don't rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not son. If you don't ask questions,... you'll never learn anything!"
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NEW MATH? (True Story)

I went to McDonald's. I looked at the menu and saw that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a 'half-dozen' McNuggets.

"We don't have a 'half-dozen' McNuggets," said the teenager at the counter.

"You don't?" I replied.

"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.

"So I can't order a 'half-dozen' McNuggets, but I can order six?"

"That's right."

I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

WHAT ARE THE SCHOOLS TEACHING?
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Psalms 8:2 (NKJ)   "Out of the mouth of babes . . ."

[ Material from many different sources -- Thank You! ]





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