(An On-Going Collection -- New Material at the Top)

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MARRY A DOCTOR

A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter's plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.

As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head.

The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.

The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed,

"I said for you to marry a 'Rich' Doctor!. . . a 'RICH' Doctor!"

[Tim Davis]
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PRETTY FANCY

My son is a sports fanatic, and he has well-worn T-shirts, caps, and sweatshirts from every local team.

One night we were getting ready for an annual fund-raiser for our local theater organization. My wife called out to my son, "This is a pretty fancy dinner. You'll have to wear a sports jacket."

My son answered, "Which team?"

[RD]
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SON

Shortly after our teenage son started his first job at a family restaurant, we decided to surprise him by having dinner there one night. I was warned by other family members not to embarrass him by making it obvious I was his mother.

Being an exuberant parent, I found this difficult, but managed to act like other customers. I kept my head bent over the menu and politely accepted silverware and a glass of water - all without glancing up.

I realized I may have been a bit too successful in keeping my distance when my son stared at me and said, "Hello, my name is Andrew, and I'll be your son for this evening."

[Reader's Digest]
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CHEMISTRY

During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. "Now I'm dropping this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve?"

"No sir," a student called out.

"No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver coin won't dissolve."

"Because if it would, you wouldn't have dropped it in!"

[Aiken Drum]
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AN ABSTRACT NOUN

"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it.

Can you give me an example of one?"

"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."

[Daily Joke]
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FOOD, FAMILY, AND PHILOSOPHY

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.

He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic (food).

He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list (family). He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card (philosophy). He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"

[Tim]
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THE POOL

A mother was watching her four-year-old child playing outside in a small plastic pool half filled with water. He was happily walking back and forth across the pool, making big splashes.

Suddenly, he stopped, stepped out of the pool, and began to scoop water out of the pool with a pail.

"Why are you pouring the water out, Jimmy?" the mother asked.

"'Cause my teacher said Jesus walked on water, and this water won't work." The boy replied.

[Aiken Drum]
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SMART KID

I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, "Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy."

Taking a deep breath, I asked him, "What is that?"

He replied, "They're all nocturnal."

[Aiken Drum]
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IF I CAN'T...

A four-year-old was in church when the wine and communion wafers were passed along. He was very interested in this, and started to get up. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion.

Later, when the collection plate came by, he ignored it. His mother leaned over and tried to coax the nickel he had from him. He steadfastly refused, and said: "If I can't eat, I'm not paying."

[off-the-church-walls]
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CLOCK SHOP

A 12-year-old boy was waiting to be helped in a clock shop, while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers. Finally he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car.

"What took you so long, son?" he asked.

"The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the boy replied. "But I got even."

"How?"

"I set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting," the youngster explained happily. "It's going to be a mighty noisy place at four o'clock."

[anonymous]
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NEW NEIGHBORHOOD

A family who had just moved into a new neighborhood was anxious to make a good impression.

But the neighbors seemed cold and made no overtures of welcome. The mother of the brood was overjoyed when finally her youngest son ran in and announced happily, "Mommy, the lady down the street asked my name today!"

"Oh, how nice!" exclaimed the mother enthusiastically.

"And then what did she do?"

"Then she gave it to the policeman," the boy said.

[Tim Davis]
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NO OUTLET

Mindy and her husband were scouting out different neighborhoods as they looked for a new home. Their daughter Meghan, 7, was in the back seat, giving her opinions. As they pulled into a cul-de-sac there was a sign which read, "No outlet."

The houses and the neighborhood were beautiful and Mindy and her husband thought they had found where they wanted to live. But Meghan shouted from the back seat, "We can't live there. They don't have any electricity!"

[Mindy]
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DON'T BE LATE

Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone.

In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The girl on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.

"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"

Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the girl had dialed my number by mistake.

"I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."

"Wow, Mom," the girl replied, "I didn't think you'd be this mad."

[Tim Davis]
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SEVEN WONDERS - ( Very Nice Story )

A group of Geography students studied the Seven Wonders of the World. At the end of that section, the students were asked to list what they think were considered to be the present Seven Wonders of the World. Though there was some disagreement, the following got the most votes:
        1. Egypt's Great Pyramids
        2. Taj Mahal
        3. Grand Canyon
        4. Panama Canal
        5. Empire State Building
        6. St. Peter's Basilica
        7. China's Great Wall

While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student, a quiet girl, hadn't turned in her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list. The quiet girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many."

The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help."

The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the Seven Wonders of the World are:
        1. to touch
        2. to taste
        3. to see
        4. to hear
        She hesitated a little, and then....
        5. to feel
        6. to laugh
        7. and to love

Then the room was so full of silence it was deafening! It is far too easy for us to look at the exploits of man and refer to them as "wonders" while we overlook all God has done for us, regarding them as merely "ordinary." May you be reminded today of those things which are truly wondrous!

"Do all the good you can, for all the people you can, while you can."

[Jim Rooney, via HeartWarming]
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VACATION AND VOCABULARY

Christmas Break was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the break.

"We visited my grandmother in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania," he replied.

"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said. "Can you tell the class how you spell that?"

Little Johnny thought about it and said, "You know, come to think of it, we went to Ohio."

[Clean Laffs]
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HISTORY

My daughter's eighth-grade history class planned a visit to our nation's capital. Unfortunately, she was not greatly enthusiastic about a trip that she considered too "educational" to be fun.

However, on their return, I was pleased to hear how she and her classmates had been filled with awe and emotion as they gazed at the Washington Monument.

"Just think, Mom," she marveled. "We were standing right where Forest Gump stood."

[Ann Walker]
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SELECTING A CARD

A little boy had been pawing over a stationer's stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, "Just what is it you're looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend, Anniversary or a congratulations to your mom and dad?"

The boy shook his head and answered, "Got any like a blank report card?"

[Clean Laffs]
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X-RAY

A small girl was told she needed an X-ray. When she came out of the X-ray room, she told her mother, "They took a picture of my bones."

"Yes, dear," replied the mother. "Did everything go all right?"

"Sure," said the girl. "It was amazing. I didn't even have to take my skin off!"

[Giggles & Grins]
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STORY OF ELIJAH

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.

And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

"Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know, I know," she said. "To make the gravy!"

[CLEAN LAUGHS]
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I "AIN'T" GOT NO CRAYONS

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books. Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't got no crayons."

"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"

"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them crayons?"

[Aiken Drum]
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Psalms 8:2 (NKJ)   "Out of the mouth of babes . . ."

[ Material from many different sources -- Thank You! ]





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