(An On-Going Collection -- New Material at the Top)

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NAMING THE STATES

Mr. Jones, an elementary school principal, made it a practice to visit the classes from time to time.

One day he walked into Miss Smith's 4th grade class, where the children were studying American History.

Mr. Jones asked the class how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

From the back of the room a student yelled,

"Yes, but in those days there were only 13!"

[Keith Todd]
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COLLEGE CAFETERIA FOOD

A girl was visiting her sister at college. When they entered the dorm cafeteria, the coed took one look and immediately warned her sister not to try the main course.

"How do you know it isn't good?" the visitor asked. "You haven't even seen it yet."

The coed pointed to the tub of peanut butter, which was always available as an alternative, and explained, "Any time there are more than five knives in the peanut butter, you know the food is bad."

[Andy Chap]
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RULES FOR KIDS

A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.

"Don't play with your food," one second-grader cited.

"Don't be loud," said another, and so on.

"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy.

Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."

[Aiken Drum]
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NO VACANCIES

We had been on the road for 15 hours en route from New York to California and were looking for a place to spend the night.

At four different motels, however, we were told, "Sorry, no vacancies."

Heading back to the car, my seven-year-old son asked solemnly, "Mom, are we vacancies?"

[Aiken Drum]
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MOM'S SURPRISE

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old sweats and blouse and proceeded to wash her hair and give herself a facial. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

So, she wrapped a towel around her head and with cold creme still on her face, she stormed into their room, putting the kids back to bed with stern warnings.

As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

[Clean Laffs]
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CONFESSION

Tommy went to confession on Friday and said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

"What are your sins, my son?"

"I kissed a girl after school yesterday."

"Who was it, Tommy?"

"I cannot tell you Father, I would feel bad."

"Was it Mary Donovan?" he asked.

"No Father, please forgive me, but I cannot tell you who it was."

"Was it Catherine McKenzie?"

"No Father," he replied.

"Well then it has to be Sarah Martha O'Keefe?"

"No Father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was."

"Okay, Tommy, I want you to say five Hail Mary's and four Our Fathers for your sin."

So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting.

"What did 'ya get?" asked Joseph.

"I got five Hail Marys, four Our Fathers, and three good leads."

[Clean Laffs]
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TEACHER LEARNS

At 10:00 the teacher served her day-care class their crackers and milk. Emphasis was placed on good table manners.

When Betty deliberately turned over her glass of milk, the teacher got ready to tackle a discipline problem. "Betty, when you spill your milk at home, what does your mother do?" the teacher asked.

The child looked down at the tablecloth and answered, "I'll tell you one thing - she doesn't just stand there looking. She cleans it up."

[Becky Shiles]
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SCHOOL ANNOUNCEMENT

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on 'school driveway' please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."

[LABLaughs]
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RESOLVE

The best definition for "resolve" I've ever heard came from a schoolgirl in Foster City, California. As is my custom, I was lecturing about success to a group of bright kids at a junior high school.

I asked, "Who can tell me what "resolve" means?" Several hands went up, and I did get some pretty good definitions. But the last was the best.

A shy girl from the back of the room got up and said with quiet intensity, "I think resolve means promising yourself you will never give up."

That's it! That's the best definition I've ever heard: PROMISE YOURSELF YOU'LL NEVER GIVE UP.

[Jim Rohn]
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PEOPLE CREATION

During dinner, the subject of how God created people came up. Karen's husband explained to their three children how God created Adam from the dust of the earth and God created Eve from Adam's rib.

Then their 7-year-old asked, "What happens when we die?" Karen's husband continued to explain that when we die, our bodies turn back to dust.

After a few seconds of silence, their 4-year-old daughter said, "Yeah, you guys turn back to dust, but us girls turn back to ribs."

[Karen Miller]
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UH-OH

A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.

"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.

"Aw, Dad, it's okay" the son said. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

[Andy Chap]
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SAFETY FIRST

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked!

As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

[Mary Lou L Dieterich]
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LOGIC

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.

Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.

He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."

[Mary Lou L Dieterich]
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DISCLAIMER

On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.

The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

[Mary Lou L Dieterich]
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OUTDOOR FOOD?

I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild game.

So much, in fact, that one evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my ten-year-old daughter looked up and said:


"Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in the woods."

[Mary Lou L Dieterich]
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WORD CHOICE

A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up."

The boy looked at her quizzically... "Why does it have to be a secret?"

[Mary Lou L Dieterich]
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LITTLE BOY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then said, "What's the matter -- haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

[Harold Brown]
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POWER OF PRAYER

Caitlin, 5, had asked several times for a baby brother or sister. But, her parents had decided not to have any more children because Christal had been sick for several years after Caitlin's birth. Even though Christal was finally healthy again, they thought it wouldn't be fair to Caitlin because she was starting to get involved in many activities. Then Caitlin started attending a private Christian school. One day Caitlin told Christal that they had discussed kids' prayers to God. "My teacher says that God listens to children when they pray because God loves little children best," Caitlin said.

A few months later, Caitlin asked if she would be getting a new baby brother or sister soon. Christal was taken by surprise. "No, Sweetheart," Christal said, "Daddy and I decided to just have you -- remember when we talked about this?" Caitlin huffed noisily and said, "Well, I talked to God about this a lot! You said God listens to prayers and answers them." Christal felt a small surge of panic as she remembered previous conversations with Caitlin about how God listens to children's prayers. Caitlin continued, "Now, Mommy, I have asked very nicely several times... I asked God for a baby brother or sister..." Apparently Caitlin kept up her prayers because Christal's previously reliable birth control failed and within the year Caitlin got a gift from heaven -- Kyle -- who she adores.

[Christal Bricker]
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MORAL LESSON

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait".

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

[John Traver]
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MODERN CARTOON

"I'm not having kids. I hear they take 9 months to download!!!"

[ Material from many different sources -- Thank You! ]





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