(An On-Going Collection -- New Material at the Top)

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GLOOMY FORECAST

The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to punish her. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.

When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh on the girl and changed her mind. However, when she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.

"What's the matter? I thought you wanted to go to the picnic," her mother said.

"It's too late!" the little girl replied. "I've already prayed for rain!"

[andychaps_the-funnies]
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BABYSITTING

A young man volunteered to babysit one night so his mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football. One child kept creeping down the stairs but the young man kept sending him back.

At 9pm, the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbor Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, "No".

Just then a little head appeared over the bannister and a voice shouted, "I'm here Mom but he won't let me go home."

[Andy Chap]
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FIRST THINGS FIRST...

Asking the children in my Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?" "NO"! the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven"? Again, the answer was "NO"!

"Well," I continued, "then how can I get to Heaven?" In the back of the room, a 5 yr. old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead"!!!

[Tina Miller]
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JUST A SHORT NOTE

The first graders were attending their first music lesson. The teacher was trying to begin at the beginning. She drew a musical staff on the blackboard and asked a little girl to come up and write a note on it.

The little girl went to the blackboard, looked thoughtful for a minute and wrote, "Dear Aunt Emma, just a short note to tell you I'm fine."

[Cartoons O' The Day]
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BROKEN BIKE

I was in a customer's home one afternoon and while I was talking to the customer, their 4 year old little girl whose name was Michelle, tugged on my pants leg and excitedly exclaimed, "I got a new bicycle, do you want to see it?"

I said, "Sure Michelle." So off to the backyard we went. Upon getting into the backyard, I saw a brand new girl's bicycle. "Wow, Michelle!! That's a beautiful bicycle." I complimented. "Can you ride it?"

"Yeah, I can ride it," she said, then with a sad face she pouted, "but it's broke."

I looked at the new bicycle and couldn't see anything wrong with it, so I asked her, "What's wrong with it?"

"I don't know," she shrugged, "but every time I ride it, it falls down!"

[Andy Chap]
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TEA TIME

Little Johnny was left to fix lunch. When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea. The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch.

"Did you have any trouble finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" Johnny's mother asked.

"I couldn't find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter," he replied.

His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added: "Don't worry, Ma, I used the old one!"

[LABLaughs]
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TELLING TIME

One day I noticed my sister wasn't wearing a watch. When I asked her about it, she replied, "I don't need a watch. At home there's a clock in every room, and in the car there's a clock on the dashboard."

Knowing my sister's an avid shopper, I inquired, "Well, how do you tell time when you're shopping?"

"That's easy," she replied. "I just buy something else and then look at the time printed on the sales receipt."

[Thomas S. Ellsworth]
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BIBLE

A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth'."

[Aiken Drum]
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VOCABULARY

Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her young students, "Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life."

From somewhere in the back of the room, came a small male voice chanting,

"Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda."

[Aiken Drum]
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SURVIVAL GUIDE

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master. Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently. "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

[LABLaughs]
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GENERATION GAP

My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew.

After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief...,

"You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?"

[Thomas S. Ellsworth]
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COUNTING RABBITS

The teacher asked Johnny, "Johann if I gave you two rabbits and then two more rabbits and then two more rabbits, how many would you have?"

Johnny replied, "Seven rabbits, Teacher."

The teacher asked again, "Listen Johnny, If I gave you two rabbits, plus two more rabbits, plus two more rabbits... How many rabbits would you have altogether?"

Johnny smiled, "That's easy, Teacher, I would have seven."

"Ok Johnny," the teacher said. "Let's try it a different way. If I gave you two cans of pop, plus two more cans of pop, plus two more cans of pop. How many cans of pop would you have?"

"Six cans." Johnny said.

"OK," said the teacher. "Now think of that with this question. "If I gave you two rabbits, then two more rabbits, then two more rabbits how many would you have?"

"Seven, Teacher." Johnny said.

"Why seven?" the teacher asked, exasperated.

Johnny replied, "Because I already have one rabbit at home!"

[keepAhead Jokes]
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CHILDBIRTH

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents,

"How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

[andychaps_the-funnies]
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APPLE QUESTION

A 4-year-old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"

"Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color."

There was a long silence. Then the boy asked, "Daddy, are you talking to me?

[Clean Laffs]
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SCAVENGER HUNT

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list.

"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

[Aiken Drum]
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WEDDING VOWS

A grandmother overheard her five-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding."

The wedding vows went like this:

"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."

[Twisted Straw]
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LIGHT OF THE WORLD?

A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday School presentation. His mother, sitting in the front row to prompt him, gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it didn't help. Her son's memory was blank.

Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, "I am the light of the world."

The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud, clear voice said, "My mother is the light of the world."

[Aiken Drum]
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LACK OF PATIENCE (OR PATIENTS?)

A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as "guinea pigs" in a test of emergency systems. A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units.

One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay "wounded" for several hours.

When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but a brief note: "Have bled to death and gone home."

[Joke Bank]
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PLAYING CHURCH

A mother looked out a window and saw Johnny playing church with their three kittens. He had them lined up and was preaching to them. The mother turned around to do some work.

A while later she heard meowing and scratching on the door. She went to the window and saw Johnny baptizing the kittens. She opened the window and said, "Johnny, stop that! You'll drown those kittens."

Johnny looked at her and said with much conviction in his voice: "They should had thought of that before they joined my church."

["otchurch" ]
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CHURCH SERVICE

A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five-year-old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.

During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The five-year-old was taken by the whole procedure of pouring water over the infant's head...

With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and whispered, "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"

[LABLaughs]
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Psalms 8:2 (NKJ)   "Out of the mouth of babes . . ."

[ Material from many different sources -- Thank You! ]





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