(An On-Going Collection -- New Material at the Top)

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BAND-AID

Little Johnny went to the Doctor to get a vaccination. After the shot, the Doc pulled out a Band-Aid and started to cover the spot on his arm. Johnny asked him to put it on the other arm.

The Doctor said, "I put the Band-Aid over where you got the shot to let others know that it's tender and they shouldn't touch it. Why do you want it on the other arm?"

Johnny answered, "You really don't know much about little boys, do you?"

[ Arizona Humor ]
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PAST TENSE

My wife and I and our three-year-old daughter Carrie were visiting friends who had a newborn child. When the infant began to cry, the mother started up the stairs to the nursery and asked Carrie if she'd like to help. Thrilled, Carrie followed, and after a few minutes, the crying stopped.

Suddenly, we heard the baby start crying again, even more loudly than before. Soon Carrie appeared at the foot of the stairs and said proudly, "Daddy, I 'helded' the baby!"

As an English professor, I couldn't help saying, "That's nice, Carrie, but what's the past tense of 'hold'?"

She paused for a moment, looked down at the carpet, and in a soft voice responded, "Dropped?"

[Phillip B. Linker, Cartoons O' The Day, via Aiken Drum]
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THE MAGICIAN

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.

"He's a magician, Ma'am" said Little Johnny.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"

"He saws people in half."

"Gee! now, the next question. Any brothers or sisters?"

"One half brother and two half sisters."

[Aiken Drum]
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FATHER-SON TALK

A man scolded his son for being so unruly, and the boy rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!"

The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?," he said.

"Then I'll come home and eat!," bravely declared the child.

"And what if you run out of money?"

"I will come home and get some!," readily replied the child.

The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?"

"Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply.

The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home; he's going off to college."

[ received from www.cybersalt.org ]
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FATHER AND SON

      Dear Dad:

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

      Love,
      Your $on.

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The Answer:

      Dear Son:

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

      Love,
      Dad

[Aiken Drum]
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LACTOSE INTOLERANT

A scientist found, to his great surprise, that he was lactose intolerant (unable to digest milk sugar). At dinner that night with his two young daughters (age 9 and 4 years), he mentioned that he had found out that he was lactose intolerant and tried to explain to them what that meant.

A couple of months later, he took the kids to a local restaurant for a quick breakfast before shopping. The place was very busy, but the quality of the food and service were obviously not up to par. When they finally got their breakfast, his youngest daughter took a look at her father's omelet and burnt toast and declared very loudly to the waitress

"My Daddy can't eat that toast - he is BLACK TOAST intolerant."

Needless to say, after a moment's silence, the whole restaurant burst into laughter.

[Aiken Drum]
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IMPORTANT MATH

Mrs. Johnson the elementary school math teacher was having children do problems on the blackboard one day.

"Who would like to do the first problem, addition?"

No one raised their hand. She called on Tommy, and with some help he finally got it right.

"Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?"

Students hid their faces. She called on Mark, who got the problem right but there was some suspicion his girlfriend Lisa whispered the answer to him.

"Who would like to do the third problem, division?"

Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at nothing in particular. The teacher called on Suzy, who got the problem right

"Who would like to do the last problem, multiplication?"

Johnny's hand shot up, surprising everyone in the room. Mrs. Johnson finally gained her composure in the stunned silence.

"Why the enthusiasm, Johnny?"   "Because the Bible says to go forth and multiply!"

[Aiken Drum - Ed:anon.]
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KIDS

I'd had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bed-time finally came, I laid down the law: "We're putting on your PJ's, brushing your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it's lights out!!!"

Her arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she said, "We learned in Sunday school about little boys and girls who don't have mommies and daddies."

Even after I'd been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful to have me. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes.... and then she whispered, "Maybe you could go be THEIR mom?"

[keepAhead]
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THE LIBRARIAN

The new Librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a 'Contract' for returning the books on time.

Her first customer was a 2nd grader, who looked surprised to see a new Librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the Librarian, giving her his name as was the custom.

The new Librarian pushed the books back, smiled, and told him to sign them out. The boy carefully printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust. Before the new Librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "At least that other Librarian we had could write."

[Doc's Daily Chuckle]
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COLLEGE PLAY

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!"

A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received.

When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck.

No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

[Bill's-Punch-Line]
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Psalms 8:2 (NKJ)   "Out of the mouth of babes . . ."

[ Material from many different sources -- Thank You! ]





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