Actual Excerpts

The following are actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers:

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
   
   
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere else again.
   
   
3. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
   
   
4. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
   
   
5. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
   
   
6. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
   
   
7. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
   
   
8. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
   
   
9. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
   
   
10. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
    
    
11. Great Dames for sale.
    
    
12. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
    
    
13. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
    
    
14. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
    
    
15. Man, honest. Will take anything.
    
    
16. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
    
    
17. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
    
    
18. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
    
    
19. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
    
    
20. And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

[ Author Unknown -- from 'Aiken Drum' (Aiken@AikensLaughs.com) ]