This is for anyone who lives in Atlanta, who has ever lived in Atlanta,
has ever visited Atlanta, ever plans to visit Atlanta, knows anyone who
already lives in Atlanta, or knows anyone who has ever heard of Atlanta,
If you understand these jokes, forward them to your friends from GA -- and those who just wish they were!
Atlanta is composed mostly of one way streets. The only way to get out
of downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach
Greenville, South Carolina. All directions start with, "Go down
Peachtree" and include the phrase, "When you see the Waffle House."
Except that in Cobb County, all directions begin with, "Go to the Big
Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end, and is not to be confused
with Peachtree Circle, Peachtree Place, Peachtree Lane, Peachtree Road,
Peachtree Parkway, Peachtree Run, Peachtree Terrace, Peachtree Avenue,
Peachtree Commons, Peachtree Battle, Peachtree Corners, New Peachtree,
Old Peachtree, West Peachtree, Peachtree-Dunwoody, Peachtree-Chamblee,
or Peachtree Industrial Boulevard.
Atlantans only know their way to work and their way home. If you ask
anyone for directions they will always send you down Peachtree.
Atlanta is the home of Coca-Cola. That's all we drink here, so don't ask
for any other soft drink unless it's made by Coca-Cola. And even then
it's still "Coke." A carbonated soft drink isn't soda, cola, or
pop...it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinda
coke you want?" Also, fried catfish is the other white meat.
Gate One at Atlanta's Hartsfield International Airport is 32 miles away
from the Main Concourse, so wear sneakers and pack a lunch.
It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you
started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls it a "scenic" and has posted
signs to that effect, so that out-of-towners don't feel lost ...they're
just on a "scenic drive."
The 8:00 AM rush hour is from 6:30 to 10:30 AM.
The 5:00 PM rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:30 PM.
Friday's rush hour starts Thursday afternoon, and lasts through 2:00 AM
"Sir" and "Ma'am" are used by the person speaking to you if there's a
remote possibility that you're at least 30 minutes older than they are.
A native can only pronounce Ponce De Leon Avenue in the native way, so
do not attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their
heads to the right and stare at you. The Atlanta pronunciation is
"pahnss duh LEE-on".
The falling of one rain drop causes all drivers to immediately forget
all traffic rules; so will daylight savings time, a girl applying eye
shadow in the next car, or a flat tire three lane over.
If a single snowflake falls, the city is paralyzed for three days, and
it's on all the channels as a news flash every 15 minutes for a week.
All grocery stores will be sold out of milk, bread, bottled water,
toilet paper, and beer. If there is a remote chance of snow, and if it
does snow, people will be on the corner selling "I survived the
blizzard" tee-shirts, not to mention the fact that all schools will
close at the slightest possible chance of snow.
If you are standing on a corner and a MARTA Bus stops, you're expected
to get on and go somewhere.
Construction on Peachtree Street is a way of life and a permanent form
of entertainment, especially when a water line is tapped and Atlanta's
version of Old Faithful erupts. Construction crews are not doing their
jobs properly unless they close down all major streets during rush hour.
Atlantans are very proud of our racetrack, known as Road Atlanta. It
winds throughout the city on the Interstates, hence its name. Actually,
I-285, the loop that encircles Atlanta and has a posted speed limit of
65mph ( but you have to maintain 80 mph just to keep from getting run
over ), is known to truckers as "The Watermelon 500."
Georgia 400 is our equivalent of the Autobahn. You will rarely see a
semi-truck on GA 400, because even the truck drivers are intimidated by
the oversized SUV-wielding housewives racing home after a grueling day
at the salon, or the tennis match, to meet their children at the school
bus coming home from the college prep preschool.
The last thing you want to do is give another driver the finger, unless
your car is armored, your trigger finger is itchy and your AK-47 has a
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Georgia. There are
10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Georgia, plus a couple no
one has seen before.
Squirrels will eat anything. Unknown critters love to dig holes under
tomato plants. Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know
when they are ripe.
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.
It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
People actually grow, eat, and like okra !
"Fixinto" is one word... ( I'm fixinto go to the...)
There's no such thing as "lunch." There's only dinner and then there's
Sweet Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when
you were 2 years old.
"Backards" and "forwards" means I know everything about you.
'Jeet?' is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is
You work until you're done, or it's too dark to see.
You know you're from Georgia if:
You measure distance in minutes or beers; you know what a 'dawg' is; you
see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no
matter what time of the year.
You install security lights on your house and garage ......and leave
both unlocked ; you carry jumper cables in your car...for your OWN car ;
you think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday ; you
find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm" ; or you describe the first
cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good pinto-bean weather.
You know whether another Georgian is from north, south or middle Georgia
as soon as they open their mouth.
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,
grain, insects or animals.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but
require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
[ Author Unknown -- from 'Buffalos Chips' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com) ]
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