This year, I resolve to...
- Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
- Stop exercising. Waste of time.
- Read less. Makes you think.
- Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
- Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
- Not date any of the Baywatch cast.
- Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
- Take a vacation to someplace important: like,
to see the largest ball of twine.
- Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
- Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
- Not have eight children at once.
- Get in a whole NEW rut!
- Start being superstitious.
- Personal goal: bring back disco.
- Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
- Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud
stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur
for the dash.
- Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use
a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts
with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms.
- Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
- Not eat cloned meat.
- Create loose ends.
- Get more toys.
- Get further in debt.
- Break at least one traffic law.
- Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
- Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
- Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
- Stay off the MIR space station.
- Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.
- Associate with even worse business clients.
- Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep
track of them.
- Not take spaceship rides behind comets.
- Not try to escape from a maximum security prison.
- Wait around for opportunity.
- Focus on the faults of others.
- Mope about my faults.
- Never make New Year's resolutions again.
[ Author Unknown -- from 'Aiken Drum' (Aiken@AikensLaughs.com) ]
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