Doggy Dictionary

Author: Fid Dalmatian, Professor of Dogfish, Dog University.
  • LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your human where you want him/her to go.

  • DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

  • DROOL: Is what you do when your humans have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

  • SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your human makes you stop.

  • GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

  • BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the human then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

  • DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their human wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the human, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

  • THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

  • WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your human comes home. the house until your human comes home.

  • SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is proper to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

  • BATH: This is a process by which humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

  • LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit !", especially if your human is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

  • BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

  • LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, your human will love you in return.

[ Author Unknown -- from Mark Miller ]


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