Fractured Words

• Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end, and a fool at the other.
  
  
• Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree, and a woman gains her master.
  
  
• Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
  
  
• Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students, without passing through "the minds of either."
  
  
• Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
  
  
• Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
  
  
• Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power.
  
  
• Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.
  
  
• Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
  
  
• Ecstasy: The feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
  
  
• Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
  
  
• Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight
  
  
• Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
  
  
• Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
  
  
• Etc...: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
  
  
• Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
  
  
• Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
  
  
• Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
  
  
• Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
  
  
• Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
  
  
• Opportunist: A person who starts taking a bath in case he accidentally falls into a river.
  
  
• Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says midway down: "See I am not injured yet."
  
  
• Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
  
  
• Father: A banker provided by nature.
  
  
• Criminal: A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
  
  
• Boss: Someone who is early when you are late, and late when you are early.
  
  
• Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections, and your Confidence after.
  
  
• Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
  
  
• Pessimist: A person who says that 'O' is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
  

[ Author Unknown -- from 'keepAhead' (IwantTwisted@keepAhead.com) ]