* GOLFISMS *

1. If you really want to get better at golf,
   Go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
   
   
2. The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
   
   
3. Since bad shots come in groups of three,
   A fourth bad shot is actually the
   Beginning of the next group of three.
   
   
4. When you look up, causing an awful shot,
   You will always look down again at
   Exactly the moment when you ought
   To start watching the ball if you ever
   Want to see it again.
   
   
5. Any change works for a maximum of three holes . . .
   Or at a minimum of not at all.
   
   
6. No matter how bad you are playing,
   It is always possible to play worse.
   
   
7. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts
   In your mind during your swing.
   
   
8. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard,
   You can either hit one more club or two more balls.
   
   
9. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green
   While the foursome ahead of you is still putting out,
   You have two options: you can immediately shank
   A lay-up or you can wait until the
   Green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
   
   
10. The less skilled the player,
    The more likely he is to share his ideas about
    The golf swing.
    
    
11. The inevitable result of any golf lesson
    Is the instant elimination of the
    One critical unconscious motion
    That allowed you to compensate for all of
    Your many other errors.
    
    
12. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
    
    
13. Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie.
    
    
14. Everyone replaces his divot
    After a perfect approach shot.
    
    
15. A golf match is a test of your skill
    Against your opponents luck.
    
    
16. It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt.... for an 8.
    
    
17. Counting on your opponent to inform you
    When he breaks a rule is like
    Expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
    
    
18. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
    It's not a gimme if your still away.
    
    
19. The shortest distance between any two points
    On a golf course is a straight
    Line that passes directly through the center
    Of a very large tree.
    
    
20. There are two kinds of bounces;
    Unfair bounces and bounces just the way you
    Meant to play it.
    
    
21. You can hit a two acre fairway
    10% of the time and a two-inch branch
    90% of the time.
    
    
22. Every time a golfer makes a birdie,
    He must subsequently make two triple
    Bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
    
    
23. If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does,
    Simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
    
    
24. To calculate the speed of a players downswing,
    Multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap;
    I.e. Backswing 20mph, handicap 15,
    Downswing = 600mph.
    
    
25. There are two things you can learn
    By stopping your backswing at the top and
    Checking the position of your hands:
    How many hands you have, and which one
    Is wearing the glove.
    
    
26. Hazards attract, fairways repel.
    You can put "draw" on the ball,
    You can put "fade" on the ball, but no
    Golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
    
    
27. A ball you can see in the rough
    From 50 yards away is not yours.
    
    
28. If there is a ball in the fringe
    And a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.
    If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
    
    
29. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
    

[ Author Unknown -- from 'Buffalos Chips' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com) ]