Holiday Calorie Counting Guide
UNEVEN EDGES: Pies and cakes should be cut neatly, in even wedges
or slices. If not, the responsibility falls upon the person putting
them away to "straighten up the edges" by consuming the offending
irregularities, which, of course, have no calories.
BALANCED FOOD: Obviously, a diet soda and gingerbread cookie cancel
HOT CHOCOLATE: Contains no calories on cold days - they float off
in the steam.
FOOD FOR MEDICINAL PURPOSES: Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER
counts. This includes hot chocolate, Jim Beam, malted milk, toast
and anything with Sara Lee on the box.
WHIPPED CREAM, SOUR CREAM, BUTTER: These all act as a poultice that
actually draws out the calories when laced on food, leaving them
calorie-free. Afterwards you can eat the poultice too as all
calories are neutralized by it.
CHARITABLE FOODS: The calories in Girl Scout cookies, bake sale
cakes, ice cream socials and church strawberry festivals all have a
FOOD ON FOOT: Food eaten standing up has no calories. The reason is
not clear to scientists but current theory suggests a relation to
gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach, flowing
directly down the legs and through the soles of the feet onto the
floor, like electricity. Walking appears to accelerate this
process,so that a nog or ale consumed while caroling in your
neighborhood actually has a calorie deficit.
FOOD SWIPED FROM SPOUSE'S PLATE: Please - that's a no-brainer.
FOOD WITH WRITING ON IT: Primarily fat, starch and sugar, all cakes
are potentially fat on your hips. However, the calories can be
eliminated simply by inscribing "Noel" or "Feliz Navidad" in colored
icing. Not only is it unnecessary to decline, it's rude.
ANYTHING SMALLER THAN ONE INCH: Contains no calories to speak of.
And we don't. This includes chocolate kisses, maraschino cherries,
cubes of Gouda and all Godiva truffles.
YOUR AUNT ETHEL'S TRADITIONAL FRUIT CAKE: Unfortunately these
calories do count. We suggest serving a calorie-free Sara Lee carrot
cake as a adjunct/compensatory desert.
[ Author Unknown -- from 'Buffalos Chips' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com) ]
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