Holiday Calorie Counting Guide

  1. UNEVEN EDGES:  Pies and cakes should be cut neatly, in even wedges or slices. If not, the responsibility falls upon the person putting them away to "straighten up the edges" by consuming the offending irregularities, which, of course, have no calories.

  2. BALANCED FOOD:  Obviously, a diet soda and gingerbread cookie cancel each out.

  3. HOT CHOCOLATE:  Contains no calories on cold days - they float off in the steam.

  4. FOOD FOR MEDICINAL PURPOSES:  Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts. This includes hot chocolate, Jim Beam, malted milk, toast and anything with Sara Lee on the box.

  5. WHIPPED CREAM, SOUR CREAM, BUTTER:  These all act as a poultice that actually draws out the calories when laced on food, leaving them calorie-free. Afterwards you can eat the poultice too as all calories are neutralized by it.

  6. CHARITABLE FOODS:  The calories in Girl Scout cookies, bake sale cakes, ice cream socials and church strawberry festivals all have a religious dispensation.

  7. FOOD ON FOOT:  Food eaten standing up has no calories. The reason is not clear to scientists but current theory suggests a relation to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach, flowing directly down the legs and through the soles of the feet onto the floor, like electricity. Walking appears to accelerate this process,so that a nog or ale consumed while caroling in your neighborhood actually has a calorie deficit.

  8. FOOD SWIPED FROM SPOUSE'S PLATE:  Please - that's a no-brainer.

  9. FOOD WITH WRITING ON IT:  Primarily fat, starch and sugar, all cakes are potentially fat on your hips. However, the calories can be eliminated simply by inscribing "Noel" or "Feliz Navidad" in colored icing. Not only is it unnecessary to decline, it's rude.

  10. ANYTHING SMALLER THAN ONE INCH:  Contains no calories to speak of. And we don't. This includes chocolate kisses, maraschino cherries, cubes of Gouda and all Godiva truffles.

  11. YOUR AUNT ETHEL'S TRADITIONAL FRUIT CAKE:  Unfortunately these calories do count. We suggest serving a calorie-free Sara Lee carrot cake as a adjunct/compensatory desert.
[ Author Unknown -- from 'Buffalos Chips' ( ]

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