Laws of Crowded Stores
A stunned, bewildered idiot will stand at the intersection of two
or more major traffic aisles so as to cause the most inconvenience
to passers-by who do know where they are going.
Such idiot will be carrying at least one bag capable of comfortably
holding a '57 Buick, and will make sudden, random turns so as to
fling the bag into the shins (or worse) of passers-by.
When such idiot is intercepted by family and/or friends and removed
from the location, they will be replaced by a freshly bewildered
idiot within 2.5 minutes, maximum.
No matter how many signs (or how big they are) the store puts up
clearly announcing "NO RETURNS OR EXCHANGES DEC 26 or 27" there
will be no less than 5 morons crowded into every cashier's line
who figure this rule couldn't possibly apply to them. And they'll
be pretty huffy about it, too.
Nitwits who can clearly afford baby sitters (either that, or they're
shoplifting the 5 high-end DVD players under their arm) will have
the curious impression that Boxing Day shopping is exactly the
sort of bonding event their squalling 3-week-old offspring wants
most to do in this life.
The parking lot of any store over 300 square meters will contain
no less than 17 Sport Utility Vehicles with dogs pretending to
be ready to drive off at a moment's notice. When the supervising
human does return, odds are 50:50 that the dog will occupy said
human's lap as driving commences. Especially if the dog is the
size of a Saturn Launch Vehicle.
No idiot driving a SUV has any grasp of the physical size of the
vehicle, with the result being that parking them involves maneuvers
hitherto unaccomplished by the entire Kirov Ballet.
Imbeciles paying for purchases of Items Necessary to Life (consumer
electronics, compact disks, angora sweaters..) with $50 bills will
be constantly complaining about the state of abject poverty they
Seven hours before closing time December 24, Wal-Mart will start
setting up displays of huge saccharine Valentine's Bears, each
clutching oversized satin hearts.
Any mall containing a theatre will have an aroma of popcorn frying
in rancid canola emanating into the hall. The smell will be strong
enough to gag a badger. And patrons will buy it at prices per
ounce greater than those for top sirloin, under the impression
it's somehow "healthy" for them, and that the 4 tablespoons of
salt on it somehow don't count.
[ Author Unknown -- from 'Buffalos Chips' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com) ]
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