Lawsuit Party Animal

I'm a party in a lawsuit.

A person involved in a lawsuit is called a 'party' with the same ironic misuse of language that a person who has been sitting in a doctor's waiting room for 2.5 hours is called a 'patient.' There's no party that I can see, though I suppose it is true that everyone there has received a written invitation.

The fun starts with the deposition, a process by which the attorneys for the other side ask a series of mind-numbing questions in an effort to prove that your lawsuit is completely boring. Here's some of the actual transcript from my deposition:

Opposing Counsel: Now, Mr. Cameron, before we get started, if at any time you feel like you need to use the bathroom, you should advise me, because if I know you are in physical distress I'll enjoy this more.

Me: Okay.

Opposing Counsel: First question. You're supposedly some kind of humorist, so that must mean you had pretty bad parents, right?

My Attorney: Objection. You have not established that my client even had parents. For all we know, he came out of some kind of worm.

Opposing Counsel: I'll withdraw the question if you'll stipulate that your client is an idiot.

My Attorney: I think that's obvious, so yes, I'll stipulate.

Me: Uh, could I talk to my attorney for a minute?

Opposing Counsel: Sure, if you have something to hide. Otherwise, you'll just answer the question.

Me: What question'

Opposing Counsel: Let the record show that the witness is evasive and ugly.

My Attorney: Plus he has really poor taste in clothing.

Me: Hey!

My Attorney: I can't help it. I think your tie is unethical.

Opposing Counsel: Now Mr. Cameron, let me show you a photograph. Do you recognize the house in this picture?

Me: No.

Opposing Counsel: That's because it's mine. I plan to use the money from my billing on this deposition to make this month's mortgage payment, so I'll need to drag out the proceedings a bit today.

My Attorney: That's okay, I'm saving to buy a sailboat.

Opposing Counsel: So, Mr. Cameron, next question. Do you really believe that you'll recover enough from this lawsuit to even begin paying your attorney fees?

My Attorney: Objection; we've already established my client is an idiot.

Opposing Counsel: Look, if you keep objecting to everything I say we're both just going to make a lot more money, so I suggest you continue doing it.

My Attorney: Can I just say, I have never found you more attractive than I do at this moment.

Me: Yes, I do think I'll recover enough to more than pay my attorney fees.

Opposing Counsel: You are a humorist!

My Attorney: May I speak to my client' I'm getting a little nauseated, here. (To me, whispering.) Hey listen, while doing this I'm going to work on another case so I can double bill, is that okay?

Opposing Counsel: Ha! I can hear you!

Me: No! We're wasting time. Can't you get this thing moving' This is costing a lot of money!

My Attorney: Look, did you buy that tie at a garage sale or something' I mean, lordy.

Opposing Counsel: Lordy pordy pie!

Me: Can we just get on with this, please?

Opposing Counsel: I could hear you the whole time, you know.

Me: I know, that's fine, I don't care.

Opposing Counsel: Have you ever been afflicted with jaundice, boll weevils, a persistent itch in places you can't scratch, knife wounds from someone you don't know, or that gross stuff in the corner of your eye in the morning?

Me: What does that have to do with anything?

My Attorney: Hang on, I'm the attorney here. Objection, with the exception of the boll weevils, what does this have to do with anything?

Opposing Counsel: We're having a blood drive at work and I wanted to see if he can donate.

Me: No to everything except the eye stuff.

Opposing Counsel: Eew!

My Attorney: That's really gross.

Opposing Counsel: Well, let's take a break here so we can continue billing while we drink coffee.

My Attorney: Good idea!

(Deposition ends)

~ Bruce Cameron ~
Copyright © 2010
All Rights Reserved

[ by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright © 2010 ( -- {used with permission} ]

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