Lawyer Talk

Lawyers are often the butt of jokes throughout the world. Here are some splendid examples, taken from stenographer's transcripts of real court cases.

1. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
   A: Not yet.
   
   
2. Q: ... any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
   A: The victim lived.
   
   
3. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
   A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
   
   
4. Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
   A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
   
   
5. Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
   A: Fowler
   Q: What's his first name?
   A: I can't remember.
   Q: He's been your brother-in-law for years - you can't remember his first name?
   A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the chair and pointing to Mr. Fowler).  Derek, for goodness sake, tell them your first name.
   
   
6. Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
   A: He didn’t offer me anything; he just said I could have the furniture.
   
   
7. Q: What is your name?
   A: Geraldine McNally
   Q: And what is your marital status?
   A: Fair.
   Q: Are you married?
   A: No, I'm divorced.
   Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
   A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
   
   
8. Q: Mrs. Warren, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your solicitor?
   A: No. This is how I always dress when I go to work.
   Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
   A: No.
   Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
   A: Picking them up in the air.
   Q: Where was the dog at this time?
   A: Attached to the ears.
   
   
9. Q: ...and what did he do then?
   A: He came home and next morning he was dead.
   Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
   
   
10. Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
    A: I could see his head.
    Q: And where was his head?
    A: Just above his shoulders.
    
    
11. Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You, too, were shot in the fracas?
    A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
    
    
12. Q: Now, Mrs Brown, how was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And, by whose death was it terminated?
    
    
13. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
    A: I will be three months November 8th.
    Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
    A: Yes.
    Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
    
    
14. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.
    
    
15. Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently identify herself to you?
    A: Yes, she did.
    Q: Who did she say she was?
    A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.
    Q: I understand you're Donald Rowbotham’s mother.
    A: Yes.
    Q: How long have you known him?
    A: Since I gave birth to him.
    
    
16. Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to impact.
    A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the immediate end of my right leg.
    
    
17. Q: What happened then?
    A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
    Q: Did he kill you?
    A: Not yet!
    Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
    A: Yes.

More interesting lawyer questions . . . .

• Q: Were you alone or by yourself?
  
  
• Q: So you were gone until you returned?
  
  
• Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?
  
  
• Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
  
  
• Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

[ Author Unknown -- from 'Will and Guy' (guyn@computerperformance.co.uk) ]