Young man sitting on a desk that has the scales of justice attached.

Lawyer Talk

Lawyers are often the butt of jokes throughout the world. Here are some splendid examples, taken from stenographer's transcripts of real court cases.
  1. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
    A: Not yet.

  2. Q: ... any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
    A: The victim lived.

  3. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

  4. Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
    A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

  5. Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
    A: Fowler
    Q: What's his first name?
    A: I can't remember.
    Q: He's been your brother-in-law for years - you can't remember his first name?
    A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the chair and pointing to Mr. Fowler).  Derek, for goodness sake, tell them your first name.

  6. Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
    A: He didnít offer me anything; he just said I could have the furniture.

  7. Q: What is your name?
    A: Geraldine McNally
    Q: And what is your marital status?
    A: Fair.
    Q: Are you married?
    A: No, I'm divorced.
    Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
    A: A lot of things I didn't know about.

  8. Q: Mrs. Warren, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your solicitor?
    A: No. This is how I always dress when I go to work.
    Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
    A: No.
    Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
    A: Picking them up in the air.
    Q: Where was the dog at this time?
    A: Attached to the ears.

  9. Q: ...and what did he do then?
    A: He came home and next morning he was dead.
    Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

  10. Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
    A: I could see his head.
    Q: And where was his head?
    A: Just above his shoulders.

  11. Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You, too, were shot in the fracas?
    A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

  12. Q: Now, Mrs Brown, how was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And, by whose death was it terminated?

  13. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
    A: I will be three months November 8th.
    Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
    A: Yes.
    Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

  14. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.

  15. Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently identify herself to you?
    A: Yes, she did.
    Q: Who did she say she was?
    A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.
    Q: I understand you're Donald Rowbothamís mother.
    A: Yes.
    Q: How long have you known him?
    A: Since I gave birth to him.

  16. Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to impact.
    A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the immediate end of my right leg.

  17. Q: What happened then?
    A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
    Q: Did he kill you?
    A: Not yet!
    Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
    A: Yes.
More interesting lawyer questions . . . .
    • Q: Were you alone or by yourself?

    • Q: So you were gone until you returned?

    • Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?

    • Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

    • Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
[ Author Unknown -- from 'Will and Guy' (guyn@computerperformance.co.uk) ]

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