Lawyers are often the butt of jokes throughout the world. Here are some splendid examples, taken from stenographer's transcripts of real court cases.
A: Not yet.
A: The victim lived.
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q: What's his first name?
A: I can't remember.
Q: He's been your brother-in-law for years - you can't remember his first name?
A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the chair and pointing to Mr. Fowler). Derek, for goodness sake, tell them your first name.
A: He didnít offer me anything; he just said I could have the furniture.
A: Geraldine McNally
Q: And what is your marital status?
Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
A: No. This is how I always dress when I go to work.
Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.
A: He came home and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
A: By death.
Q: And, by whose death was it terminated?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.
A: Yes, she did.
Q: Who did she say she was?
A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.
Q: I understand you're Donald Rowbothamís mother.
Q: How long have you known him?
A: Since I gave birth to him.
A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the immediate end of my right leg.
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
A: Not yet!
Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?