Men's Essential Guide to Women's English

  • Yes = No

  • No = Yes

  • Maybe = No

  • I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

  • We need = I want

  • It's your decision = My correct decision should be obvious by now

  • Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

  • We need to talk = I need to complain

  • Sure go ahead = I don't want you to

  • I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron

  • You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

  • Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

  • This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

  • I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper

  • I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

  • Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

  • How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate

  • I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

  • You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

  • Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]

[ Author Unknown -- from 'Aiken Drum' ]


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