Men's Essential Guide to Women's English

• Yes = No
  
  
• No = Yes
  
  
• Maybe = No
  
  
• I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
  
  
• We need = I want
  
  
• It's your decision = My correct decision should be obvious by now
  
  
• Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
  
  
• We need to talk = I need to complain
  
  
• Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
  
  
• I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron
  
  
• You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
  
  
• Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
  
  
• This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
  
  
• I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
  
  
• I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
  
  
• Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
  
  
• How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate
  
  
• I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
  
  
• You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
  
  
• Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]
  
  

[ Author Unknown -- from 'Aiken Drum' ]