Men Are from Sears And Women From Nordstroms
I believe that, in general, women are saner than men. For example, If
you see people who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium
on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their
bodies except paint, those people will be male.
Without males, there would be no such sport as professional lawn mower
racing. Also, there would be a 100 percent decline in the annual number
of deaths related to efforts to shoot cans off of heads. Also, if women
were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be, I sincerely
believe this, virtually no military conflicts, and if there were a
military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there
would soon be a high-level exchange of thoughtful notes written on
greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon
(which would be salads, with the dressing on the side).
So I sincerely believe that women are wiser than men, with the exception
of one key area, and that area is: clothing sizes. In this particular
area, women are insane. When a man shops for clothes, his primary
objective is to purchase clothes that fit on his particular body. A man
will try on a pair of pants, and if those pants are too small, he'll try
on a larger pair, and when he finds a pair that fits, he buys them. Most
men do not spend a lot of time fretting about the size of their pants.
Many men wear jeans with the size printed right on the back label, so
that if you're standing behind a man in a supermarket line, you can read
his waist and inseam size. A man could have, say, a 52-inch waist and a
30-inch inseam, and his label will proudly display this information. The
situation is very different with women.
When a woman shops for clothes, her primary objective is NOT to find
clothes that fit her particular body. She would like for that to be the
case, but her primary objective is to purchase clothes that are the size
she wore when she was 19 years old. This will be some arbitrary number
such as "5" or "7." Don't ask me "5" or "7" of what; that question has
baffled scientists for centuries. All I know is that if a woman was a
size 5 at age 19, she wants to be a size 5 now, and if a size 5 outfit
does not fit her, she will not move on to a larger size: She can't! Her
size is 5! So she will keep trying on size 5 items, and unless they
start fitting her, she will become extremely unhappy.
She may take this unhappiness out on her husband, who is waiting
patiently in the mall, perhaps browsing in the Sharper Image store,
trying to think of how he could justify purchasing a pair of
night-vision binoculars. "Hi!" he'll say, when his wife finds him. "You
know how sometimes the electricity goes out at night and..." "Am I fat?"
she'll ask, cutting him off. This is a very bad situation for the man,
because if he answers "yes," she'll be angry because he's saying that
she's fat, and if he answers "no," she'll be angry because HE'S
OBVIOUSLY LYING BECAUSE NONE OF THE SIZE 5s FIT HER.
There is no escape for the husband. I think a lot of unexplained
disappearances occur because guys in malls see their wives
unsuccessfully trying on outfits, and they realize their lives will be
easier if, before their wives come out and demand to know whether
they're fat, the guys just run off and join a UFO club.
The other day my wife, Michelle, was in a terrific mood, and you know
why? Because she had successfully put on a size 6 outfit. She said this
made her feel wonderful. She said, and this is a direct quote: "I
wouldn't care if these pants were this big (here she held her arms far
apart) as long as they have a '6' on them."
Here's how you could get rich: Start a women's clothing store called
"SIZE 2," in which all garments, including those that were originally
intended to be restaurant awnings, had labels with the words "SIZE 2." I
bet you'd sell clothes like crazy. You'd probably get rich, and you
could retire, maybe take up some philanthropic activity to benefit
humanity. I'm thinking here of professional lawn mower racing.
[ by: Dave Barry -- from 'Gentle Humor,' via 'Wit and Wisdom' ]
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