Men Say - Women Hear

1. "I can't find it"
   
   MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.
   
   
2. "That's women's work"
   
   MEANS: it's difficult, dirty, and thankless.
   
   
3. "Will you marry me?"
   
   MEANS: both of my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer and there's no peanut butter left.
   
   
4. "It's a guy thing."
   
   MEANS: there's no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.
   
   
5. "Can I help with dinner?"
   
   MEANS: why isn't it already on the table?
   
   
6. "It would take too long to explain"
   
   MEANS: I have no idea how it works.
   
   
7. "I'm getting more exercise lately"
   
   MEANS: the batteries in the remote are dead.
   
   
8. "We're going to be late."
   
   MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.
   
   
9. "Take a break, Doris, you're working too hard."
   
   MEANS: I can't hear the football over the vacuum cleaner.
   
   
10. "That's interesting dear."
    
    MEANS: are you still talking?
    
    
11. "Love, we don't need material things to prove our love."
    
    MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.
    
    
12. "You expect too much from me."
    
    MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?
    
    
13. "It's really a good film."
    
    MEANS: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and women.
    
    
14. "You know how bad my memory is."
    
    MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of Only Fools and Horses, the address of the first girl I kissed, and the plate number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.
    
    
15. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
    
    MEANS: the girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.
    
    
16. "Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
    
    MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.
    
    
17. "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing."
    
    MEANS: what did you catch me at?
    
    
18. "She's one of those rabid feminists."
    
    MEANS: she refused to make my coffee.
    
    
19. "I heard you."
    
    MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I can fake it well enough, so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.
    
    
20. "You know I could never love anyone else."
    
    MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realise it could be worse.
    
    
21. "You really look terrific in that outfit."
    
    MEANS: Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.
    
    
22. "I brought you a present."
    
    MEANS: It was free ice scraper on the cover of Man and Motors.
    
    
23. "I missed you."
    
    MEANS: I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we're out of toilet paper.
    
    
24. "I'm not lost, I know exactly where we are."
    
    MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.
    
    
25. "This relationship is getting too serious."
    
    MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my car.
    
    
26. "I don't need to read the instructions."
    
    MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

[ Author Unknown -- via 'Buffalos Chips' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com) ]