Midlife Is . . .
Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize
you are now so old, you have to pay someone to
look at you naked.
The good news about midlife is that the glass is
still half-full... of course, the bad news is that it
won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.
Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have
wingspans... we are no longer women in sleeveless
shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of
a mirror and can see your rear end without turning
You know you are getting old when you go for a
mammogram and you realize it is the only time
someone will ask you to appear topless in film.
You know you've crossed the midlife threshold when
you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak
version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce
Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't
bounce back. (It's more like Splat!)
Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...
and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.
It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife... jiggly,
yes; jiggy, no.
Midlife is when your 1990's Body-by-Jake now includes
Legs-by-Rand McNally. (more red and blue lines than
an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).
Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young
lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even
the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!
Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look
at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all
teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"
Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself... and
your chins follow suit.
Midlife is when you realize that if you were a dog,
you'd need a control top flea collar.
Midlife is when your memory really starts to go.
The only thing you still retain is water.
You become more reflective in midlife. You start
pondering the "big" questions -- what is life, why
am I here... how much Healthy Choice ice cream
can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
[ Author Unknown -- from 'andychaps_the-funnies' ]
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