Midyear Resolutions

With the first half of 2008 safely swept into the dustbin of history, it is time to also throw out our New Year’s resolutions – those giddy, glamorous goals made when the year was young and we were possibly influenced by too much champagne. It is time to roll out more modest midyear resolutions.

The lean and vigorous New Year’s baby has now aged into a less lively, middle-aged adult with love handles, and our annual, overly optimistic infant aspirations need to be trimmed accordingly.

Speaking of love handles, the whole ridiculous weight-loss resolution absolutely must be on the midyear chopping block. That’s the No. 1 pledge on most people’s lists, and it simply has to go. So we’ll start with that diabolical duo of duties -- exercise and eating right -- that each of us swears to embrace in January. Who are we kidding?

Our midyear resolution will be to merely have the intention of exercising and eating right. It is, after all, the thought that counts. And as we’ve all really wanted to do those things for months, we can check that one off our list right away. Been there, done that.

Next on our midyear list should be a resolution to ignore our previous New Year’s Resolutions. They were utterly unrealistic anyway. Check.

I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling better already.

The nice thing about slimming down our resolution roster in the summer is that we can add to it things we’ve already accomplished. This gives us a definite sense of purpose, and that’s the only real reason to have resolutions in the first place. Midyear declarations – like middle-aged muscles – tend to be a little loose and flabby. We can fit pretty much anything inside them.

Here, for example, are just some of the accomplishments I’ve been able to add to (and check off) my midyear list:

• I will faithfully watch exercise videos each morning as I enjoy my coffee and donuts, resolving to begin actual exercise very soon.
  
  
• I will be a master of multitasking, faithfully writing out a to-do list each day as I watch exercise videos while enjoying coffee and donuts. Then I will faithfully spill coffee on my list, rendering it illegible and making it impossible for me to do anything on that list.
  
  
• I will faithfully take a shower every day, even when I have to then dash naked and wet through the house in search of a clean towel. I will faithfully not look in any mirrors as I’m doing this, lest I regret eating all those donuts.
  
  
• I will faithfully doze off when I am supposed to be writing inspiring works of great literary merit. Then, when I wake up with drool running down my chin and realize I’m running out of time, I will faithfully (and frantically) throw together a humor column about something stupid like midyear resolutions.

As you can see, it is easy to escape the tyranny of all those New Year’s resolutions that never give us a moment’s peace. You too, my friend, can live a productive and satisfying life by simply resolving to do what you’re already doing. Just make sure you have clean towels in the house first.

~ Jackie Papandrew ~
© 2008, All Rights Reserved

Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at:  JackiePapandrew.com

[ by Jackie Papandrew Copyright © 2008, (me@jackiepapandrew.com) -- submitted by: Jackie Papandrew ]