Mom's Definitions

  1. MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically makes Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."

  2. MAYBE: No.

    MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

  3. "MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

  4. MUSH: What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2. Main element of Mom's favorite movies.

  5. NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.

  6. OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.

  7. OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.

  8. OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.

  9. PANIC: What a mother goes thru when the darn wind-up swing stops.

  10. PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.

  11. PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.

  12. PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.

  13. PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.

  14. QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

  15. RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing."

  16. REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air conditioner for the kitchen.

  17. ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.

  18. SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactment of famous historic events.

  19. SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.

  20. SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.

  21. SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

  22. TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child's "special needs."

  23. TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.

  24. TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.

  25. TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.

  26. VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just like Daddy."

  27. WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

  28. WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.

  29. WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME: Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.

  30. XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.

  31. ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.
[ Author Unknown -- from Randy, via 'Buffalos Chips' ( ]

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