MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically makes Mom
look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."
MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's
turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.
"MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants
MUSH: What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2. Main
element of Mom's favorite movies.
NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never
have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening
stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army
men and/or doll clothing.
OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids,
assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy
boats, cars and animals.
OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of
OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
PANIC: What a mother goes thru when the darn wind-up swing stops.
PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean
their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.
PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have
someone else to clean up after.
PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands
of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will
refuse to play in front of company.
PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can
never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a
plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant,
a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and
several outdated coupons.
QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth
of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left
RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and
warm, rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker
stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear "the
REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air conditioner for the
ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed
on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.
SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from
watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactment of famous
SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.
SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped
and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children
from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the
SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a
fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.
TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has
yet to understand her child's "special needs."
TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.
TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.
TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.
VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow
each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be
"Just like Daddy."
WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every
WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans,
permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of
WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME: Standard measurement of time between
crime and punishment.
XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing
note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.
ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed
before kids refuse to eat it.
[ Author Unknown -- from Randy, via 'Buffalos Chips' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com) ]
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