Mom's Definitions

1. MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically makes Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."
   
   
2. MAYBE: No.
   
   MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.
   
   
3. "MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.
   
   
4. MUSH: What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2. Main element of Mom's favorite movies.
   
   
5. NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.
   
   
6. OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.
   
   
7. OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.
   
   
8. OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
   
   
9. PANIC: What a mother goes thru when the darn wind-up swing stops.
   
   
10. PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.
    
    
11. PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.
    
    
12. PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.
    
    
13. PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.
    
    
14. QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
    
    
15. RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing."
    
    
16. REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air conditioner for the kitchen.
    
    
17. ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.
    
    
18. SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactment of famous historic events.
    
    
19. SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.
    
    
20. SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.
    
    
21. SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.
    
    
22. TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child's "special needs."
    
    
23. TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.
    
    
24. TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.
    
    
25. TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.
    
    
26. VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just like Daddy."
    
    
27. WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
    
    
28. WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.
    
    
29. WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME: Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.
    
    
30. XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.
    
    
31. ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

[ Author Unknown -- from Randy, via 'Buffalos Chips' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com) ]