Quotes From Erma Bombeck
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out
until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the
spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then
everyone in the house would know what Mom knows.
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live
with a car battery.
Why is it when you want a nice souvenir, you find a great shell in a gift
shop, but some yo-yo has affixed a ten-cent thermometer to it?
Kids have little computer bodies with disks that store information. They
remember who had to do the dishes the last time you had spaghetti, who lost
the knob off the TV set six years ago, who got punished for teasing the dog
when he wasn't teasing the dog and who had to wear girls boots the last
time it snowed.
I remember buying a set of black plastic dishes once, after I saw an ad
on television where they actually put a blowtorch to them and they emerged
unscathed. Exactly one week after I bought them, one of the kids brought a
dinner plate to me with a large crack in it. When I asked what happened to
it, he said it hit a tree. I don't want to talk about it.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch on
fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you?
Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that
beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you
want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?" "Don't you want to save some
of the pizza for your brother?" "Wasn't there any change?"
The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a
restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, "Could I get you your
check?" and we answered, "How about the menu first?"
When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere
formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get
[ Erma Bombeck -- from andychaps_the-funnies ]
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