Sailor's Life

How To Simulate The Life Of A Sailor. . .
  1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside & out, & live in it for 6 months.

  2. Run all the pipes & wires in your house exposed on the walls.

  3. Repaint your entire house every month.

  4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub & move the showerhead to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

  5. Raise the thresholds & lower the headers of your front & back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them

  6. Disassemble & inspect your lawnmower every week.

  7. On Mondays, Wednesdays, & Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays & Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays & Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

  8. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out & then getting back in.

  9. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, & say, "Sorry, wrong rack."

  10. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.

  11. Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle loudly, & shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out & trice up."

  12. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 am while she reads it to you.

  13. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 3 pm.

  14. Empty all the garbage bins in your house & sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not.

  15. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, & randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.

  16. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.

  17. Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

  18. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu & just ask for hot dogs.

  19. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

  20. Get up every night around midnight & have a peanut butter & jelly sandwich on stale bread. (midrats)

  21. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up & dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button & tuck your pants into your socks. RUn out into the backyard & uncolil the garden hose.

  22. Every week or so, throw your dog in the pool & shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

  23. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stamd in front of the stove & speak into the paper cup, "Stove manned & ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again, "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones & paper cup & stow them in a shoebox.

  24. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

  25. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget-priced coffee grounds per pot, & allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

  26. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

  27. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

  28. Lock yourself & your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty". At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been cancelled because they need to get ready for an inspection, & it will be another week before they can leave the house.

[ Author Unknown -- from 'Buffalos Chips' ( ]


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