How To Simulate The Life Of A Sailor. . .
Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside & out, & live in it for 6
Run all the pipes & wires in your house exposed on the walls.
Repaint your entire house every month.
Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub &
move the showerhead to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you
turn off the water while you soap down.
Raise the thresholds & lower the headers of your front & back doors so
that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them
Disassemble & inspect your lawnmower every week.
On Mondays, Wednesdays, & Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up
to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays & Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On
Saturdays & Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the
week, so no bathing will be allowed.
Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over
without getting out & then getting back in.
Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a
curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you
go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, & say, "Sorry, wrong
Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house -
dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.
Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle loudly, &
shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out & trice up."
Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the
following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 am
while she reads it to you.
Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to
leave your house before 3 pm.
Empty all the garbage bins in your house & sweep the driveway three
times a day, whether it needs it or not.
Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your
magazines, & randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.
Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have
your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.
Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry
Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are
having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When
they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but
they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the
menu & just ask for hot dogs.
Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly.
Spread icing real thick to level it off.
Get up every night around midnight & have a peanut butter & jelly
sandwich on stale bread. (midrats)
Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the
alarm, jump up & dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your
top shirt button & tuck your pants into your socks. RUn out into the
backyard & uncolil the garden hose.
Every week or so, throw your dog in the pool & shout, "Man overboard
port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
Put the headphones from your stereo on your head but don't plug them in.
Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stamd in front of the
stove & speak into the paper cup, "Stove manned & ready." After an hour
or so, speak into the cup again, "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones
& paper cup & stow them in a shoebox.
Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand
watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done
when the weather is worst. January is a good time.
Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget-priced coffee grounds per
pot, & allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.
Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.
Lock yourself & your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that
at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World
for "liberty". At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to
Disney World has been cancelled because they need to get ready for an
inspection, & it will be another week before they can leave the house.
[ Author Unknown -- from 'Buffalos Chips' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com) ]
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