Skiing Tips

1. So you want to go skiing? Here's a a list of things you can do to help prepare yourself...
   
   
2. Paste a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed.
   
   
3. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
   
   
4. Throw away a hundred dollar bill.
   
   
5. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots, carrying 2 pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Sporadically drop things.
   
   
6. Place a small, but angular pebble in your shoes. Line them with crushed ice and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
   
   
7. Buy a new pair of gloves. Immediately throw one away.
   
   
8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at a high speed.
   
   
9. Go to McDonald's and *insist* on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line!
   
   
10. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
    
    
11. Drive slowly for 5 hours--anywhere--as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
    
    
12. Fill a blender with ice, leave the lid off, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
    
    
13. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
    
    
14. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
    
    
15. Repeat all of the above daily until it's time for the REAL thing!

[ Author Unknown -- from Patricia, via 'Buffalos Chips' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com) ]