Speaking Of Cats

CAT QUOTES:

• "Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will mess with your computer."
    [Bruce Graham]
  
  
• "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."
    [Unknown]
  
  
• "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this."
    [Anonymous]
  
  
• "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."
    [Jeff Valdez]
  
  
• "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
    [English proverb]
  
  
• "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
    [Ellen Perry Berkeley]
  
  
• "One cat just leads to another."
  [Ernest Hemingway]
  
  
• "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."
    [Mary Bly]
  
  
• "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."
    [Joseph Wood Krutch]
  
  
• "People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life."
    [Faith Resnick]
  
  
• "There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats."
    [Anonymous]
  
  
• "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."
    [Hippolyte Taine]
  
  
• "No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me."
    [Unknown]
  
  
• "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."
    [Albert Schweitzer]
  
  
• "The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."
    [Ernest Menaul]
  
  
• "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."
    [Unknown]
  
  
• "Time spent with cats is never wasted."
    [Colette]
  
  
• "Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well."
    [Missy Dizick]
  
  
• "You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats."
    [Colonial American proverb]
  
  
• "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want."
    [Joseph Wood Krutch]
  
  
• "I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."
    [Unknown]
  
  
• "My husband said it was him or the cat ... I miss him sometimes."
    [Unknown]
  
  
• "Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."
    [Unknown]
  
  
  

CAT RULES:

• CHAIRS AND RUGS:
  If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug, pick the nicest rug you can find.
  
  
• DOORS:
  Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow and mosquito season.
  
  
• GUESTS:
  Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can arrange to have Friskies Fish'N Glop on your breath so much the better.
  
  
• For sitting on laps or rubbing against trousers, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white-furred cats should go to black wool clothing.
  
  
• For the guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle.
  
  
• When walking among dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, "But you allow me on the table when company isn't here".
  
  
• Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
  
  
• WORK:
  If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering:
  
  
• When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled.
  
  
• For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human's eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
  
  
• For knitting projects, curl up quietly onto the lap of the knitter and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap the knitting needles sharply. This can cause dropped stitches or split yarn.The knitter may try to distract you with a scrap ball of yarn. Ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.
  
  
• PLAY:
  It is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for playing catch mouse or king-o-the-hill on their bed between 2 and 4 a.m.
  
  
• SUMMARY:
  Begin people training early. So you will have a smooth-running household. Humans need to learn certain basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent!

[ Unknown -- from John Traver (jhtraver@spiritone.com) -- Ed:anon. ]