The History Of Thanksgiving
1492 - Christopher Columbus discovers America, unless you count
the native peoples already living there. Columbus doesn't.
Columbus and crew celebrate by holding a dinner, giving thanks for
their safe arrival. Embarrassment ensues when every Indian brings
maize, and nobody brings pumpkin pie.
1620 - Pilgrim men invent the sport of football to avoid helping clean up
after Thanksgiving dinner.
1671 - First embarrassing drunken relatives at Thanksgiving dinner,
as Captain John Smith's parents tell Pocahontas the "hilarious" old
"I got lost in the maize" joke for the hundredth time.
1701 - At a historic Thanksgiving dinner, Dutch settlers unveil
historic "Indians Give Us All Of Their Land Treaty." Due to an
unfortunate oversight, the Indians are left off of the invite list, and the
treaty is signed without them.
1776 - Excited that his British in-laws finally agreed to meet him for
Thanksgiving dinner, silversmith Paul Revere rides through Boston
announcing the news. Unfortunately, many colonists misinterpret his
cry "the British are coming!" as a warning, leading to the
1812 - At an international Thanksgiving dinner, King George of
England, still hurting from losing the Revolutionary War, challenges
United States President James Madison to "best 2 out of 3."
1860 - At a Senate Thanksgiving dinner, the seven-year-old son of
Alabama's Senator Richard Applebee insults the Senators from
Massachusetts, New York, and Pennsylvania, sparking the Civil
War. The tradition of the "children's table" is instituted in 1861.
1903 - Canada steals idea of Thanksgiving holiday, placing it in
October, so they can say it was their idea first.
1928 - To commemorate "our nation's greatest era of prosperity that
will last forever and ever," President Herbert Hoover dumps
ceremonial ten thousand turkeys into the Potomac River.
1929 - Following the Great Stock Market Crash, thousands of men
go Turkey Diving in the Potomac River.
1957 - Declaring her spicy stuffing "a communist threat to
undermine my health via heartburn," Senator Joe McCarthy has his
wife placed under arrest as a Soviet saboteur.
1969 - The world's largest Eat-In event goes sour. Thousands of
hippies start having bad trips when bad "brown gravy" gets passed
1991 - When Dan Quayle takes ill on Thanksgiving; a turkey is
sworn as Vice President for three days. No change is noticed.
1997 - Strong natural tranquilizer tryptophane is discovered in
turkey. A Colombian cartel immediately starts selling "pure" turkey
on the streets for $500 an ounce. Turkey farmers get involved in
drive-by shootings, and the U.S. government declares a national
2002 - America is on a terrorist alert. It is now against the law to stuff
a turkey, since everyone is now under suspicion of hiding explosives. George W.
signed this into law as an emergency executive decree. During a patriotic
speech he defends this decision, claiming "the evil doers are just looking
for any opportunity to show up at your dinner table." This Thanksgiving take
a real good look at your relatives... and report any suspicious
behavior to the CIA, FBI or your local police... who cares if it's
grandma... it's your duty as an American...
Editor: This page is only humor folks . . . enjoy, and have a very Happy Thanksgiving.
[ Author Unknown -- from 'keepAhead' ]
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